Oh how I hate the winter...
It's funny how the change of seasons is so methodical and predicable, and yet, it always catches me off guard. Oh how I despise the cold. The numbing pain and the slickness of the ground. I'll admit, it has its beauty... sometimes.
So I'm in one of those moods again. The moods where I get all nostalgic and crap. Its funny how I never seem to like how things are going in my life when they change. But then, it always seems that once the new is old and gone I miss it just as much, sometimes at least...
I've got a lot on my mind. After all, its been something like 21 weeks since my last mental purge. And, I'll be impressed if anyone makes it past this point in the entry. After all, I don't even remember who half of these LJ names on my friends list actually are anymore. I wish I did.
I sure miss art. I miss the expression. I miss the ability to create. I haven't drawn anything it probably a year, and then 8 months before that. I know I know, should be an easy thing to get back into. But when i tried last I got frustrated because I couldn't get proportions or something. Then I lost my inspiration and that was that.
I miss my best friend too. Or who was my best friend before he turned into a douche bag and a prick. Before he thought he was better than me and before he disrespected me to the point I have yet to be able to forgive. Maybe venting like this will help... I have tried to put it behind me. You know, "forgive or forget". It doesn't work. I can say I have forgiven him but I haven't and I know it. I miss the good times and the fun we used to have. Years of good times. It would be worth it to forgive him and I truly think I could if I didn't think he would just turn around and do it again. I swear I'm not just a cynic. It just seems I've been down this road time after time with him and I don't feel like dealing with it again. I wonder if he even realizes though why I'm still pissed 3 months later or if he'd even care at all. After all, the last time I saw him was an entire 20 seconds. I guess I wasn't worth being told he was going to be coming up to campus. Oh well. Its just a hard pill to swallow.
What I wouldn't do to turn the clock back 3 years back during the summer. Man, those were some of the best times of my life. I was invincible. Course I probably didn't thrill to it then but that's how life is. Makes me wonder if that's what I'll be saying 3 years from now.
I feel like I'm flying at light speed and have no idea where I'm going right now. I'm here at college, taking classes and getting ready for life and yet, I don't know what I want to do. I have no major, I have no job interest. I don't think I'm going to do ROTC, though part of me still really wants to... I love art, but I can't get a career in it, at least not any more even if I tried. I closed that door in my life when I let my skill sit for a year and lost all my talent. Falling feels like flying until you hit the ground. So am I really just falling into failure? Failure being monotony, and office job, a mediocre life, friends that I don't know if they even want to hang out with me. Is that going to be me hitting the ground? God I hope not. Am I already there? Am I already heading down that path?
...Now that's a question.
I used to feel important you know? I used to feel like I actually affected people's lives. I was a competitor in great shape, now I'm out of shape and shy, hardly standing up for what I believe in. I was a leader in scouts, I was the friend everyone could talk to, I was the student that didn't mind helping. Now I'm here. That's it. I'm a student, just a face in the crowd. I'm a friend, that no one asks for help. I'm an Eagle Scout, but I haven't been to scouts in 6 months or more. I spend time in video games and movies to keep from thinking about real problems sometimes. Isn't that just sad? Like, really? So what's that make me? Nothing, just another person in the crowd, a coward and a loser, average at best, a failure at worst, with no direction and nothing to look forward to.
So I look back. I remember driving with the top down and firefly's at night. I remember walking through the mountains and helping at church. I remember working with my brother and father. I look back and I smile. But its bittersweet, oh so bittersweet. Boat rides up north or tubing in St Claire. Wrestling and winning, coming to school the next day proud of a black eye. Sometimes it almost brings a tear to my eye because I don't think I'll ever feel the same. God, and now I sound like a pussy.
Sometimes I just want to get the hell out of here. Far far away for a long time. Just to be on my own and see the world. I still think I can do great things, but I don't know if I ever will. Blah...
I think that's enough mind puking for tonight. God bless if you made it all the way through this entry.
...Oh, I should mention, I don't think I ever said how much it means to know someone cares enough to read these, so if you did, thanks.
Erik
So I'm in one of those moods again. The moods where I get all nostalgic and crap. Its funny how I never seem to like how things are going in my life when they change. But then, it always seems that once the new is old and gone I miss it just as much, sometimes at least...
I've got a lot on my mind. After all, its been something like 21 weeks since my last mental purge. And, I'll be impressed if anyone makes it past this point in the entry. After all, I don't even remember who half of these LJ names on my friends list actually are anymore. I wish I did.
I sure miss art. I miss the expression. I miss the ability to create. I haven't drawn anything it probably a year, and then 8 months before that. I know I know, should be an easy thing to get back into. But when i tried last I got frustrated because I couldn't get proportions or something. Then I lost my inspiration and that was that.
I miss my best friend too. Or who was my best friend before he turned into a douche bag and a prick. Before he thought he was better than me and before he disrespected me to the point I have yet to be able to forgive. Maybe venting like this will help... I have tried to put it behind me. You know, "forgive or forget". It doesn't work. I can say I have forgiven him but I haven't and I know it. I miss the good times and the fun we used to have. Years of good times. It would be worth it to forgive him and I truly think I could if I didn't think he would just turn around and do it again. I swear I'm not just a cynic. It just seems I've been down this road time after time with him and I don't feel like dealing with it again. I wonder if he even realizes though why I'm still pissed 3 months later or if he'd even care at all. After all, the last time I saw him was an entire 20 seconds. I guess I wasn't worth being told he was going to be coming up to campus. Oh well. Its just a hard pill to swallow.
What I wouldn't do to turn the clock back 3 years back during the summer. Man, those were some of the best times of my life. I was invincible. Course I probably didn't thrill to it then but that's how life is. Makes me wonder if that's what I'll be saying 3 years from now.
I feel like I'm flying at light speed and have no idea where I'm going right now. I'm here at college, taking classes and getting ready for life and yet, I don't know what I want to do. I have no major, I have no job interest. I don't think I'm going to do ROTC, though part of me still really wants to... I love art, but I can't get a career in it, at least not any more even if I tried. I closed that door in my life when I let my skill sit for a year and lost all my talent. Falling feels like flying until you hit the ground. So am I really just falling into failure? Failure being monotony, and office job, a mediocre life, friends that I don't know if they even want to hang out with me. Is that going to be me hitting the ground? God I hope not. Am I already there? Am I already heading down that path?
...Now that's a question.
I used to feel important you know? I used to feel like I actually affected people's lives. I was a competitor in great shape, now I'm out of shape and shy, hardly standing up for what I believe in. I was a leader in scouts, I was the friend everyone could talk to, I was the student that didn't mind helping. Now I'm here. That's it. I'm a student, just a face in the crowd. I'm a friend, that no one asks for help. I'm an Eagle Scout, but I haven't been to scouts in 6 months or more. I spend time in video games and movies to keep from thinking about real problems sometimes. Isn't that just sad? Like, really? So what's that make me? Nothing, just another person in the crowd, a coward and a loser, average at best, a failure at worst, with no direction and nothing to look forward to.
So I look back. I remember driving with the top down and firefly's at night. I remember walking through the mountains and helping at church. I remember working with my brother and father. I look back and I smile. But its bittersweet, oh so bittersweet. Boat rides up north or tubing in St Claire. Wrestling and winning, coming to school the next day proud of a black eye. Sometimes it almost brings a tear to my eye because I don't think I'll ever feel the same. God, and now I sound like a pussy.
Sometimes I just want to get the hell out of here. Far far away for a long time. Just to be on my own and see the world. I still think I can do great things, but I don't know if I ever will. Blah...
I think that's enough mind puking for tonight. God bless if you made it all the way through this entry.
...Oh, I should mention, I don't think I ever said how much it means to know someone cares enough to read these, so if you did, thanks.
Erik