The Emptyness Inside Me
Kind of an emo title, eh? I know. Kinda how I feel right now though. Course it is... I only write when I'm in such a chipper mood. Only not.
Empty and lonely. Surrounded by people but that's how I feel. Ironic really. I can be standing next to the person and still miss them. Miss who they used to be... How we used to be. How the group used to be. Used to be able to know what the other was thinking. Not anymore. Friends change. And I miss 'im.
The group too. Used to love each other. The kind of love a family had. It's dead. You can feel the heaviness and coldness if you know where to look. Simple really. I don't know how some people can miss it. Or just not care. Funny how I thought we'd all get along. Sad how we just don't understand each other anymore. As a group, "The Crew" as I had fondly an recently dubbed them, is practically dead.
I want it back. I do. And it literally makes me want to cry when I think of the great times we had, and the fact that there might never be a time quite the same again. It's so incredibly bitter sweet it makes me sick to my stomach.
The lack of trust, of consideration... It's eating the foundation of what I loved about the crew. The fact that I always felt like someone would be there, to back me up, to help me out, to make me feel "safe". Kind of a lame way to put it I suppose. "safe", to feel like I can relax and be welcome, accepted, accompanied. To be able to not worry about slights or bragging, to be able to put down the defenses I feel so tired of holding up. Just, to let it "hang out". That whole feeling. Its dead.
Now I don't have a safe group. I family when mine is gone. I have Becky whom I love, who can still make me feel "safe". But it's not The Crew. Never can be and never will be.
Congradulation's if you've rad this far, you must be thoroughly bored or confused or just skipping lines looking for the good parts or names.
It's funny you know? For someone like me, who's so extroverted, who needs people so much, you wouldn't think I'd have a hard time meeting new people. But I feel weak, and lonely, and I just can't understand why someone would want to talk to someone like me, especially if they aren't trying to take advantage of me. It's a cynical view I know. I hate it. But it's true non-the-less.
I could make promises to meet new people, or to get in shape, or to be great at something again. But I won't. I know I won't. I'm a loser. I'm average. I'm alone.
Diablo 2. The video game I'm so "addicted" to. No one really understands. That's my alternate reality. That's where this doesn't matter. Nothing from here matters. I can do what I want, talk to people, be taken advantage of or helped, and if it goes wrong, I leave to game and start anew. I wish there was a reset button on my whole life sometimes. Or at least by years... "Nope, don't like how this year is going, time to reset".
You know what else it funny? I still try... I ride my bike 2 miles to see people. Anyone, I'll ride in the morning, or 4am. I've done both. But no one ever thinks of me. No one offers to come here. No one cares. 'Cept Becky maybe.Once again, she's kind of the exception...
Even so though. I'm dying inside. When the trust drys up so do the friendships, the good times, the trust, and the laughter. And that's what makes me, me. And so with it, I die.
Don't get me wrong, we still have some good times. But they're not the same. I suppose they never will be or even ever could be.
So I need a new reason to live, if not for my friends than what? Don't take that as in I'm going to commit suicide or something stupid, that's just not how it was supposed to sound. Just that, what's my purpose now? I don't think any of them really understand how much I care. In fact I know they don't. I think I would actually take a bullet for them. One or all. Not to be the hero, just because I care. ...But I don't think they would for me. Sometimes I wonder if they'd even give me the time of day if I were in trouble.
And so, I feel alone. Even surrounded by people. Beck still cares, and we still love each other, but she's got her own daemons she needs to sort out between her and laura and her and the group.
Sometimes I want to scream. Other times I want to cry. And still others I just want to sit down and remember what it used to be. What I don't think it can be anymore.
I'm sure if some of them saw this they'd think I was nuts. Some might see it, others would probably think I'm over reacting or just be confused as to how I feel still. And that's the point right there, isn't it? They don't really know me anymore, as the same goes to them from I.
...Maybe... When summer comes, just maybe I'll feel alive again.
Erik
Empty and lonely. Surrounded by people but that's how I feel. Ironic really. I can be standing next to the person and still miss them. Miss who they used to be... How we used to be. How the group used to be. Used to be able to know what the other was thinking. Not anymore. Friends change. And I miss 'im.
The group too. Used to love each other. The kind of love a family had. It's dead. You can feel the heaviness and coldness if you know where to look. Simple really. I don't know how some people can miss it. Or just not care. Funny how I thought we'd all get along. Sad how we just don't understand each other anymore. As a group, "The Crew" as I had fondly an recently dubbed them, is practically dead.
I want it back. I do. And it literally makes me want to cry when I think of the great times we had, and the fact that there might never be a time quite the same again. It's so incredibly bitter sweet it makes me sick to my stomach.
The lack of trust, of consideration... It's eating the foundation of what I loved about the crew. The fact that I always felt like someone would be there, to back me up, to help me out, to make me feel "safe". Kind of a lame way to put it I suppose. "safe", to feel like I can relax and be welcome, accepted, accompanied. To be able to not worry about slights or bragging, to be able to put down the defenses I feel so tired of holding up. Just, to let it "hang out". That whole feeling. Its dead.
Now I don't have a safe group. I family when mine is gone. I have Becky whom I love, who can still make me feel "safe". But it's not The Crew. Never can be and never will be.
Congradulation's if you've rad this far, you must be thoroughly bored or confused or just skipping lines looking for the good parts or names.
It's funny you know? For someone like me, who's so extroverted, who needs people so much, you wouldn't think I'd have a hard time meeting new people. But I feel weak, and lonely, and I just can't understand why someone would want to talk to someone like me, especially if they aren't trying to take advantage of me. It's a cynical view I know. I hate it. But it's true non-the-less.
I could make promises to meet new people, or to get in shape, or to be great at something again. But I won't. I know I won't. I'm a loser. I'm average. I'm alone.
Diablo 2. The video game I'm so "addicted" to. No one really understands. That's my alternate reality. That's where this doesn't matter. Nothing from here matters. I can do what I want, talk to people, be taken advantage of or helped, and if it goes wrong, I leave to game and start anew. I wish there was a reset button on my whole life sometimes. Or at least by years... "Nope, don't like how this year is going, time to reset".
You know what else it funny? I still try... I ride my bike 2 miles to see people. Anyone, I'll ride in the morning, or 4am. I've done both. But no one ever thinks of me. No one offers to come here. No one cares. 'Cept Becky maybe.Once again, she's kind of the exception...
Even so though. I'm dying inside. When the trust drys up so do the friendships, the good times, the trust, and the laughter. And that's what makes me, me. And so with it, I die.
Don't get me wrong, we still have some good times. But they're not the same. I suppose they never will be or even ever could be.
So I need a new reason to live, if not for my friends than what? Don't take that as in I'm going to commit suicide or something stupid, that's just not how it was supposed to sound. Just that, what's my purpose now? I don't think any of them really understand how much I care. In fact I know they don't. I think I would actually take a bullet for them. One or all. Not to be the hero, just because I care. ...But I don't think they would for me. Sometimes I wonder if they'd even give me the time of day if I were in trouble.
And so, I feel alone. Even surrounded by people. Beck still cares, and we still love each other, but she's got her own daemons she needs to sort out between her and laura and her and the group.
Sometimes I want to scream. Other times I want to cry. And still others I just want to sit down and remember what it used to be. What I don't think it can be anymore.
I'm sure if some of them saw this they'd think I was nuts. Some might see it, others would probably think I'm over reacting or just be confused as to how I feel still. And that's the point right there, isn't it? They don't really know me anymore, as the same goes to them from I.
...Maybe... When summer comes, just maybe I'll feel alive again.
Erik