Living between the gaps

[arch_schatten]

It seems to me that the more I cram into my life, the sweeter the moments between those events become. The free time, borrowed from work or friends or classes, the one that's not mine but I make mine, sweet like the red evenings of summer sunsets that taste of childhood

Comments

[quiet__tiger]

This is like the most poetic thing I've ever read. I don't know where I'm going anymore, either, and I don't fit anywhere, and it's distressing.

[arch_schatten]

Yes, distressing is exactly the word for it. I'm... a mess, and I think I'm okay but I really don't feel like I have a place anywhere. I used to think maybe my place wasn't here, just.. somewhere else, but the more I think about it, the least likely it seems that I'll fit anywhere at all. And I wish.. not so much that I fit here, but that I could find the people with whom I belong. The place where I am not always the odd one out. It all seems.. so pointless, when I reach this conclusion. I don't know where I'm going. It seems like all unfolds naturally for everyone while I'm trying to climb a fucking well, and the well is *me*. Man I wish I knew what the hell I am supposed to do.

[quiet__tiger]

I've never fully fit in anywhere--I don't even have that much in common with my RL friends, enjoy them for different reasons I do. Just take what you can get and try to give back.

Man I wish I knew what the hell I am supposed to do.

Do what makes you happy. Maybe not fulfilled or complete or focused, but do what you enjoy, be yourself, and be true to yourself. Otherwise everything else is just harder.

*hug*

[rocaw]

I understand your words. I feel I could have written them myself except never in such a beautiful way. I find I'm lost in the routine of everyday, hoping to find a moment for myself. But there's too much going on. Too much, too many depending on me. It's a struggle that never ends. Fighting myself and everything else. I really feel adrift most of the time. Tired of the routine. Afraid to let it go. What to do is the question and I don't have no answer for it.

That probably didn't make any sense. I just wanted to say you're not alone in your thoughts, but I know that doesn't help all that much. *hugs*

[arch_schatten]

It does help a lot, to know I'm not.. weird, for living like this. Everyone seems so content, you know? doing their routine life. And I press them on, looking for the cracks where they must be deeper and have.. other things, places for me to fit in, secret things that we can share... and there seems to be none. So I wonder if.. it's just me doing it all wrong, wasting 90% of the time and living the crazy life I want to live only 10% of the time, and of this, mostly in my head... I know the time for life is now and only I can shape my destiny, but.. like you say. I feel adrift, fighting with everything, and Tired of the routine. Afraid to let it go. that's it, that's exactly it. How do I let it got without falling in a new one? how to break it, at all? I just.. don't have an adventurous bone in my body. I plan things and then I plan them some more but.. the jump itself is terrifying and things never follow the plan anyway, I am the one who builds my cages. It's distressing and maddening and I really can't seem to find my bearing

[icarus_chained]

Even in despair you are beautiful. The words, the emotions, spun whole from fragments. You are a wonder, a weaver of pieces into startling wholes, living in the gaps to learn the edges of things, and make them fit. Perhaps you are not the piece that doesn't fit, but more the glue that holds them all together.

But I understand the frustration, the almost-pain. The world is made fragmented, made up of moment after moment, too small to grasp, running through your fingers, all save the few you manage to steal for yourself. You want to stop, to break away and find a jar to catch them in, but they flow too fast and you haven't time, even though you know if you could just break away for one minute, you could find the balance and the jar.

I ... don't know how to change that. But I understand. And whatever happens, know that you are truly a wonder, and someday the pieces will fit, and the moments will slow enough to catch, a little.

*hugs you*

[arch_schatten]

*snugs* Your words made me blush and feel loved and I'm really thankful for you taking the time to say it. I really needed the support -I'm sorry this reply is so late!- and I'm.. a bit better for now, but I know this is cyclic and it won't go anywhere until I find some way to.. find my balance and some firm ground.

I don't know how to break the speed either, but I know.. somehow this has to.. balance. Or something. I know it can't be like this forever. Maybe always unbalanced, but in different ways... I know we're gonna make it, though. I just wish I knew how..

*snugs* I hope you're doing okay, I am oh so very behind everything...

[__marcelo]

We know the virtue of planning and want a far-away place to reach, but the world is sticky and, worse (/better?) we have chaos inside. We are our own tricksters and shadows.

I don't know where to go from there. I've made plans and sabotaged them all my life, and then planned again and failed again --- it's like I don't know how to stop doing either thing. No idea of how to turn that into a workable way of life that will make me eager to wake up.

You said it better, and beautifully. You are beautiful. I think you'll find a way, perhaps even before finding the words to describe it. And I really hope I'm there to see it.

[arch_schatten]

I'm really hope we're here to share it, 'cause I know we're gonna find a way to make this work. Life has to, in some way, even if it's not.. a the logical, ideal way I'm planning/hoping for. I'm an expert at sabotaging everything I start and.. it's impossibly to give that up, in some ways. It's the way I clear space for new things, and given my short attention span for projects... without sabotage I just end up in a rut. It's not healthy or productive but... I guess I just have to learn how to sidestep myself to get away with it :P

[starsandsea]

*hugs*

I don't really know what to say. I know how you feel. I told you a little while ago that I never thought I would live this long, and now I don't know what to do. Because while I do have plans, they're all for my business, for work. I have no idea what to actually do with my life, what to do with any of this, and I don't know how I can start to make a change, to discover what I can do, what would really make me happy. I just... have no clue. So... I know, kinda, how you feel. There's just this emptiness ahead of me, and I don't know what to do. I try not to think about it. I try not to think about what I'll do when things change, when I have to move on from this place I am now, because I just can't see anything. The monotony of life is taking it's toll, but I don't know how to change it. I don't know if I truly want to change it, because it's familiar. It's the only thing I know how to do. Just this waiting for the right moment, the right time, and I'm afraid it's already passed me by, that my destiny has been and gone, and I

[arch_schatten]

I don't think destiny has passed you by, I don't think.. it ever does. It's hard to grab opportunity and give up safety and familiarity, but I think.. it can also be exciting, if you find something you can be passionate about, something to make the leap less scary. I'm.. trying to find the place where I want to jump into the abyss, but it's hard... I'm not good at jumping without a safety net or a plan or.. something to back me up, but at this point I feel like I really need to just.. jump, and see how it goes. It's okay to ramble in here! I always want to hear how you're doing and what's going through your head! I think we do have a lot in common in this -and other things!- and.. it's important to see that we're not alone. And it helps me to see I'm not struggling alone, because I know you're gonna make it okay, and that makes me think that then I'm gonna make it okay... so of course it helps! *hugs* thanks for sharing with me :)