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ive been thinking lately about what i want in the future. My friends and family have always said ive been very consistent about that. Ive always wanted to get married and have some kids. The kids part has varied from me bearing kids to me adopting instead.
But lately ive been reflecting on things and everything has been thrown up in the air. Ive looked at things realistically, and i dont think i could do any of it. I dont do well when living with someone, because i like a lot of time by myself which plagued ben who would complain that I would never spend any time with him, i would always shut myself in my room instead. But it wasnt just him, i was like that when i lived with my parents, i would just keep to myself in my bedroom most of the time.
And kids wise, from working with them and how tired out i got, and how stressed i was. I dont think i would be able to cope looking after a kid at home. I mean if i was in a relationship with someone who already had kids and they had joint custody with someone, that would be fine :)
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Which brings me neatly to relationships. Ive always chased relationships to find a family of my own, and so i wouldnt be alone when my parents go. But now im on my way of getting some help via social care, im letting go of this. Or rather i want to let go of that. I like going out sometimes on dwtes with people and i like being cuddled and kissed. But i gotta admit to myself sex isnt that great tbh lol Its nice and all, but im more satisfied by myself... lol.
Im not very good with people and i tend to get into crappy relationships which are then hard to get out of because i get attached. And its hard for me to enforce my own boundaries. Ive had too much experience of forcing myself to do things because i want to be 'normal' and do what 'normal' people do. So i get nervous or afraid of something, but i push it away. All my instincts i push away. And i have a nasty habit of doing that, but i shouldnt, because theyre warning flags and its only after ive ditched someone or theyve ditched me that i accept the red flags i had felt. And i end up worse off in more ways than one than if i had stayed single.
So im not sure what to do about that. Im not sure what i want. Part of me wants relationships, but the other part of me doesnt.
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