Epoch 137 -- Who Even Needs Me?
It's a question that keeps gnawing at me.
People tend to like me when I'm stable, when I'm just messing around and trying to have fun with my ridiculous ideas, or deliberately making bad jokes to lighten the mood in an otherwise tense situation. But as soon as I lose that stability, when my mind takes a nosedive, I don't want to place that burden onto anyone else. No one needs me when I'm like this, when I can't be that pillar of stability trying to support everyone else around me. I become a burden and no one should have to deal with me when I'm like this. And frankly why should anyone even want to? Sometimes I feel like it really might be better if I could just disappear. Because I'm useless when I'm like this, I can't help anyone if I'm too busy trying to get a grip on my own stress and anxiety. And it's way too much of a heavy burden for anyone else to have to help me when I'm like this. It's not worth the effort, I'm not good at letting anyone else help me. Not when I feel like I'm already getting in the way. Right now I'm worthless, no one needs me and hardly anyone would miss me. I'll bounce back eventually, I just don't want to drag anyone else down here with me.
I couldn't share my thoughts freely like this on Facebook or Twitter or even Deviant Art where someone might read them and take it overly seriously. They'd probably think I just want attention or for people to feel sorry for me when that's the last thing I want. They might not understand that feeling like I'm not good enough and wanting to disappear means exactly that, I want to step back and away from people so that no one else has to feel what I'm feeling. No one else should have to hurt because I'm hurting. But people don't listen and it's hard to articulate that message in a way that everyone can understand, especially when emotions are such complicated things to begin with.
Still, I feel like I should say something even if my words don't reach anyone. That's why I'll share this here where my thoughts can be set free without generating too much attention. It's not anyone else's business, but that doesn't mean it isn't important that I should have some means of getting these thoughts off my chest.
People tend to like me when I'm stable, when I'm just messing around and trying to have fun with my ridiculous ideas, or deliberately making bad jokes to lighten the mood in an otherwise tense situation. But as soon as I lose that stability, when my mind takes a nosedive, I don't want to place that burden onto anyone else. No one needs me when I'm like this, when I can't be that pillar of stability trying to support everyone else around me. I become a burden and no one should have to deal with me when I'm like this. And frankly why should anyone even want to? Sometimes I feel like it really might be better if I could just disappear. Because I'm useless when I'm like this, I can't help anyone if I'm too busy trying to get a grip on my own stress and anxiety. And it's way too much of a heavy burden for anyone else to have to help me when I'm like this. It's not worth the effort, I'm not good at letting anyone else help me. Not when I feel like I'm already getting in the way. Right now I'm worthless, no one needs me and hardly anyone would miss me. I'll bounce back eventually, I just don't want to drag anyone else down here with me.
I couldn't share my thoughts freely like this on Facebook or Twitter or even Deviant Art where someone might read them and take it overly seriously. They'd probably think I just want attention or for people to feel sorry for me when that's the last thing I want. They might not understand that feeling like I'm not good enough and wanting to disappear means exactly that, I want to step back and away from people so that no one else has to feel what I'm feeling. No one else should have to hurt because I'm hurting. But people don't listen and it's hard to articulate that message in a way that everyone can understand, especially when emotions are such complicated things to begin with.
Still, I feel like I should say something even if my words don't reach anyone. That's why I'll share this here where my thoughts can be set free without generating too much attention. It's not anyone else's business, but that doesn't mean it isn't important that I should have some means of getting these thoughts off my chest.