Epoch 135 -- Solitude
What are you supposed to do when the one thing you want more than anything, and really do need, is also what scares you the most? It's a question I keep struggling with, especially at times when I'm feeling lonely and more than a little bit scared about my own situation because even if there's someone I should be able to turn to that doesn't make it easy. It might seem harsh or too critical of me to say I haven't really had a best friend since the falling out I had in middle school, but the truth of the matter is that I've always been too afraid since then to really let myself ever get that close to anyone because it's the people who are closest to you who can hurt you the most. At least, that's been my rhetoric on the subject, my excuse for limiting my reliance on other people because I quite honestly don't even really know where I stand or what's acceptable. I don't want to become too attached, too clingy, or too needy. If there's a problem that I'm having personally then it isn't anyone else's responsibility to resolve it for me and that's as it should be. Many of the people I'm fairly close to have their own problems, their own issues, and I don't want to pose more of a burden on them than they have to deal with already.
But sometimes when I'm left alone, when it genuinely seems like there's really just no one else to turn to, I do kind of wish I had someone I could cling to in a non-judgmental fashion just to banish the pain of this kind of loneliness and I have to keep reminding myself that this is a path I chose for myself because it's better than getting in someone else's way. Eventually I'll find a way to distract myself and the hurt I feel right now will become nothing more than a dull ache somewhere in the back of my mind. Still, there are times I wish I understood what the trick is to it, to know where I stand and to be able to have that kind of faith in another person without feeling like it's asking too much. Unfortunately, I still can't seem to figure that one out.
But sometimes when I'm left alone, when it genuinely seems like there's really just no one else to turn to, I do kind of wish I had someone I could cling to in a non-judgmental fashion just to banish the pain of this kind of loneliness and I have to keep reminding myself that this is a path I chose for myself because it's better than getting in someone else's way. Eventually I'll find a way to distract myself and the hurt I feel right now will become nothing more than a dull ache somewhere in the back of my mind. Still, there are times I wish I understood what the trick is to it, to know where I stand and to be able to have that kind of faith in another person without feeling like it's asking too much. Unfortunately, I still can't seem to figure that one out.