Epoch 133 -- Closing Out 2017
So, I figured before I ring in the new year now is a good time for a bit of soul searching introspection. I mean, let's face it, it's been an interesting and terrifying year. But I won't be dwelling on the politics here. I've already done that elsewhere so it hardly seems necessary. No, today I'm going to be focusing on what's been better about this year and on the areas where I could still really use some self improvement. Really, it's just one area, but it's a real doozy so just bear with me here.
You see, there's this thing I've been struggling with for a real long time now and by long time I mean since my naive and impressionable years during middle school when the whole world was still in front of me and I didn't constantly have this looming sense of dread about whether or not I should even exist. I won't go into the whole story here because I've recounted it often enough elsewhere, but the short version is that I had a falling out with who I thought was my best friend since elementary school. But it was so much more than that, it was like my entire worldview came crumbling down and to really get a sense of why that happened it's important to realize the state of mind that I was coming from. You see, I had this whole ideology from a very early age that I wasn't interested in popularity if it meant not being able to trust my friends and so I aimed to surround myself with friends whom I could trust. So, fast forward a few years and I took that kind of rejection real damn hard because it felt like a real genuine betrayal.
I was never quite the same after that. I became aloof, withdrawn, and felt like I couldn't really trust anyone, least of all myself as my own judgement had clearly already been tested and found to be sorely lacking. It might seem like I'm okay now, but even all these years later there's still this inward struggle where I'm basically arguing with myself about whether or not I've gotten too attached to people to the point that I'm constantly having to remind myself:
1) Yes, people can and do actually like me.
2) Yes, it's okay to let people like me.
3) Yes, there are people who have gotten attached to me too.
4) No, that isn't inherently a bad thing, stop questioning it.
5) Yes, I'm allowed to get attached to people.
6) Yes, other people are allowed to get attached to me.
7) Don't sabotage your existing friendships by trying to withdraw away from the people who care about you just because you're scared someone might actually give a damn about what happens to you.
That's basically my internal monologue in a nutshell. Sometimes people surprise me and sometimes they do manage to break past the threshold of that whole questioning cycle to the point that I'm somehow able to accept them at face value without so much of that crippling self doubt weighing me down, but it's still something I really need to work on.
So, as awkward and embarrassing as it might be, I love you guys. Let's try to make the new year a good one!
You see, there's this thing I've been struggling with for a real long time now and by long time I mean since my naive and impressionable years during middle school when the whole world was still in front of me and I didn't constantly have this looming sense of dread about whether or not I should even exist. I won't go into the whole story here because I've recounted it often enough elsewhere, but the short version is that I had a falling out with who I thought was my best friend since elementary school. But it was so much more than that, it was like my entire worldview came crumbling down and to really get a sense of why that happened it's important to realize the state of mind that I was coming from. You see, I had this whole ideology from a very early age that I wasn't interested in popularity if it meant not being able to trust my friends and so I aimed to surround myself with friends whom I could trust. So, fast forward a few years and I took that kind of rejection real damn hard because it felt like a real genuine betrayal.
I was never quite the same after that. I became aloof, withdrawn, and felt like I couldn't really trust anyone, least of all myself as my own judgement had clearly already been tested and found to be sorely lacking. It might seem like I'm okay now, but even all these years later there's still this inward struggle where I'm basically arguing with myself about whether or not I've gotten too attached to people to the point that I'm constantly having to remind myself:
1) Yes, people can and do actually like me.
2) Yes, it's okay to let people like me.
3) Yes, there are people who have gotten attached to me too.
4) No, that isn't inherently a bad thing, stop questioning it.
5) Yes, I'm allowed to get attached to people.
6) Yes, other people are allowed to get attached to me.
7) Don't sabotage your existing friendships by trying to withdraw away from the people who care about you just because you're scared someone might actually give a damn about what happens to you.
That's basically my internal monologue in a nutshell. Sometimes people surprise me and sometimes they do manage to break past the threshold of that whole questioning cycle to the point that I'm somehow able to accept them at face value without so much of that crippling self doubt weighing me down, but it's still something I really need to work on.
So, as awkward and embarrassing as it might be, I love you guys. Let's try to make the new year a good one!