Exibit A: Week One: Am I Crazy?
I’m a barista at Starbucks, part time, when I’m not working at the spa. A coffee slinger, one of the green siren barbies with the instant smile and the chipper words to send the cups of caffeine out the door (or window). It’s not so bad, really. There are difficulties with under staffing, difficulties with balancing management, difficulties with suppliers, and not least of all difficulties with problem customers. It’s like any other food service job, but to be frank it’s better than most of them you’ll find out there-especially when you’re counting amongst the minimum wage spectrum.
Not long ago, my boss started acting oddly. Yesterday I was told he was, about that time of his odd behavior, informed of a major health issue. I was not, by any stretch, the first one told. Indeed, most of my co-workers spent much of the morning complaining and bitching behind his back, although it was always punctuated with moments of sympathy and disclaimers as if they knew they should know better. I listened, mostly, only offering a comment or few, and none of which were as upset as theirs. I understood more what they were talking about when he pulled me aside from my drive thru duties and informed me himself, that afternoon after the shift change had happened. I did not, however, think their reactions appropriate, no matter how predictable the thinking behind it was.
My response, when the poor man told me about that, voice and body palpably shaking, was deep sympathy. I have several health issues myself, including at least one or two that have been pinpointed, and others that haven’t yet. I am incredibly lucky that they don’t impede my ability to keep up full time work, if my employers are willing to work with me the little that is needed (both are). He, on the other hand, may not be so lucky. It’s impacted his work life already; something obvious even without knowing precisely what the issue is. But even without that personal level of understanding, I am not a person who can hate or be angry at a man who means well (even if he doesn’t ALWAYS succeed in doing well), when there is something that is so obviously painful and frightening to him. I offered sympathy, I offered support, I cheered on his fighting whatever it was, and at the end I gave the man a hug (he likes hugs; saying as much was part of his meeting me).
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the two people working out on the floor giving us rather unpleasant looks. I am sure they thought that my reaction was only to brown-nose and just as fake as they were sure everyone else was. I am also sure they thought he didn’t deserve it, or groaning that they’d have to be as supportive or look like assholes, or something else equally unpleasant. Of course none of that was true; I was supporting a man in pain I felt compassion for, and that was the sole thing in my mind (although in hindsight I will not complain at them being obliged to be kinder than they would otherwise be, truly).
It disgusted me, really. Both of those people were people that I like and respect, as much as one can one’s co-workers whom aren’t known outside that environment. Both of them are also very passionate, temperamental people and complaining about things that bother them (as well as going on about things that make them happy, granted; complaining isn’t ALL they do) is commonplace for them. They’re certainly not the only ones there; in fact I am one of few exceptions in that I do very little complaining there.
Is that really what this world has turned to? People who are so bitter, in so much pain and so unhappy at the world that they give in to the pattern of things? Only contribute to the complaining and the unhappiness-in too-common extreme cases hatred and anger-rather than choosing to focus on the good things and on trying to help others, trying to break and improve that norm? There is so much talk, online and in some places in real life, wistful talk of how badly this world needs people who have good hearts, who mean well and do well without ulterior motive, but only because they really do want to do well. Genuinely good people, is what is wanted. And yet, when those people are found in reality, rather than just the fantasies that people want for so badly, they are ridiculed, disdained, shoved away, because people do not believe them real anymore. Of course, people like me, healers who-jaded or not-can have good hearts, and do good things for people for no better reason than doing good, we don’t exist. We have to have ulterior motives. We have to be hiding something nasty on the inside-this can’t really be who we are. That kindness must be hiding horrible evil inside, just like Lucifer. Either that or we must be compensating for something we’re in denial of, or bat-shit insane and oblivious to it. We must be dangerous.
And of course this isn’t really true. Of course there are always some people who are like that- compassionate people and/or healers who have got it all mixed up, remembering their intent but not how to deliver it-but of course not all of us are. I’m not even willing to say that MOST of us are like that. That’s foolish, paranoid, futile thinking. That’s fear talking, fear of taking the leap of faith and holding onto that hope that those people HAVEN’T died out, those people DO exist. And of course that fear exists because people are afraid to hope, and then be let down, because that would hurt more. There is logic in that, but there is no logic in perpetuating that fear, living in pain and fear all the time, if one does not truly find enjoyment in it (which few humans really ever will). Of course there is risk in trying for better. But if you don’t throw fear to the wind, if you don’t take those steps and truly try for better, for what you want, no matter what failure would mean to you, if you don’t keep on that with all your heart….if you cave in to a life of fear and pain just because it’s the demon you know, then that’s all you will ever have. And, obviously, there are very few people who want that, given the copious amount of complaints in this world, of things and lives that people are fully capable of changing themselves.
I chose the happier path. And I now have a beautiful life that has its problems, but is always improving. Of course I have my ups and downs and the skeletons in my closet that I’m trying to heal from. I have my bad days, I have a temper, I can be bitter too. But everyone does, and everyone is sometimes-that’s humanity, and it’s also part of healing (of which I have much to do). No one can live the life and have the heart and mind of a healer well and healthily unless they can acknowledge the less pleasant parts of themselves and either heal them, or come to terms with them. This I make a constant effort to do, and that allows me to live my life of, as a rule, ups, and not downs. My heart and mind are as a rule that of a healer that revels in the simple joy that is helping other people, not that of a traumatized and jaded child. It’s incredibly rewarding. And I’m the crazy one.
Not long ago, my boss started acting oddly. Yesterday I was told he was, about that time of his odd behavior, informed of a major health issue. I was not, by any stretch, the first one told. Indeed, most of my co-workers spent much of the morning complaining and bitching behind his back, although it was always punctuated with moments of sympathy and disclaimers as if they knew they should know better. I listened, mostly, only offering a comment or few, and none of which were as upset as theirs. I understood more what they were talking about when he pulled me aside from my drive thru duties and informed me himself, that afternoon after the shift change had happened. I did not, however, think their reactions appropriate, no matter how predictable the thinking behind it was.
My response, when the poor man told me about that, voice and body palpably shaking, was deep sympathy. I have several health issues myself, including at least one or two that have been pinpointed, and others that haven’t yet. I am incredibly lucky that they don’t impede my ability to keep up full time work, if my employers are willing to work with me the little that is needed (both are). He, on the other hand, may not be so lucky. It’s impacted his work life already; something obvious even without knowing precisely what the issue is. But even without that personal level of understanding, I am not a person who can hate or be angry at a man who means well (even if he doesn’t ALWAYS succeed in doing well), when there is something that is so obviously painful and frightening to him. I offered sympathy, I offered support, I cheered on his fighting whatever it was, and at the end I gave the man a hug (he likes hugs; saying as much was part of his meeting me).
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the two people working out on the floor giving us rather unpleasant looks. I am sure they thought that my reaction was only to brown-nose and just as fake as they were sure everyone else was. I am also sure they thought he didn’t deserve it, or groaning that they’d have to be as supportive or look like assholes, or something else equally unpleasant. Of course none of that was true; I was supporting a man in pain I felt compassion for, and that was the sole thing in my mind (although in hindsight I will not complain at them being obliged to be kinder than they would otherwise be, truly).
It disgusted me, really. Both of those people were people that I like and respect, as much as one can one’s co-workers whom aren’t known outside that environment. Both of them are also very passionate, temperamental people and complaining about things that bother them (as well as going on about things that make them happy, granted; complaining isn’t ALL they do) is commonplace for them. They’re certainly not the only ones there; in fact I am one of few exceptions in that I do very little complaining there.
Is that really what this world has turned to? People who are so bitter, in so much pain and so unhappy at the world that they give in to the pattern of things? Only contribute to the complaining and the unhappiness-in too-common extreme cases hatred and anger-rather than choosing to focus on the good things and on trying to help others, trying to break and improve that norm? There is so much talk, online and in some places in real life, wistful talk of how badly this world needs people who have good hearts, who mean well and do well without ulterior motive, but only because they really do want to do well. Genuinely good people, is what is wanted. And yet, when those people are found in reality, rather than just the fantasies that people want for so badly, they are ridiculed, disdained, shoved away, because people do not believe them real anymore. Of course, people like me, healers who-jaded or not-can have good hearts, and do good things for people for no better reason than doing good, we don’t exist. We have to have ulterior motives. We have to be hiding something nasty on the inside-this can’t really be who we are. That kindness must be hiding horrible evil inside, just like Lucifer. Either that or we must be compensating for something we’re in denial of, or bat-shit insane and oblivious to it. We must be dangerous.
And of course this isn’t really true. Of course there are always some people who are like that- compassionate people and/or healers who have got it all mixed up, remembering their intent but not how to deliver it-but of course not all of us are. I’m not even willing to say that MOST of us are like that. That’s foolish, paranoid, futile thinking. That’s fear talking, fear of taking the leap of faith and holding onto that hope that those people HAVEN’T died out, those people DO exist. And of course that fear exists because people are afraid to hope, and then be let down, because that would hurt more. There is logic in that, but there is no logic in perpetuating that fear, living in pain and fear all the time, if one does not truly find enjoyment in it (which few humans really ever will). Of course there is risk in trying for better. But if you don’t throw fear to the wind, if you don’t take those steps and truly try for better, for what you want, no matter what failure would mean to you, if you don’t keep on that with all your heart….if you cave in to a life of fear and pain just because it’s the demon you know, then that’s all you will ever have. And, obviously, there are very few people who want that, given the copious amount of complaints in this world, of things and lives that people are fully capable of changing themselves.
I chose the happier path. And I now have a beautiful life that has its problems, but is always improving. Of course I have my ups and downs and the skeletons in my closet that I’m trying to heal from. I have my bad days, I have a temper, I can be bitter too. But everyone does, and everyone is sometimes-that’s humanity, and it’s also part of healing (of which I have much to do). No one can live the life and have the heart and mind of a healer well and healthily unless they can acknowledge the less pleasant parts of themselves and either heal them, or come to terms with them. This I make a constant effort to do, and that allows me to live my life of, as a rule, ups, and not downs. My heart and mind are as a rule that of a healer that revels in the simple joy that is helping other people, not that of a traumatized and jaded child. It’s incredibly rewarding. And I’m the crazy one.