(no subject)
Everyone asks themselves in life if they are "doing the right thing" atleast once in their life time. i on the other hand ask myself that same question everyday. AM I doing the right thing? I'm doing what i ahve to do, im doing the things people are telling me to do. Yea im the long run they prolly are the "right things." But is it just cuz i am trying to please everyone? I feel as tho i am doing nothing for myself these days. I dont have a single moment to myself, when when i finally do get that alone time, i spend it sleeping. Not cuz i am lazy (which i have been known to be) its cuz i am tired. Tired of my life. Basically I work, come home from work to get ready for, 1) therapy 2) work 3)school (when im in school) or 4) to get ready for bed and for W.W.A.M on saturday and sundays. Right now in my life i am sitting back and letting people tell me what to do, not by choice, its the government, and i have learned that you have to comly with all they have to say. I learned that the hard way. The only thing that is keeping me from breaking down and giving up is one day (in may) i WILL have a life back. not the one i really want, but one. Ill have my weekends open, then only 2 months till my 21 b-day. But i wont have that till may, from not till may its getting up EVERYDAY at 7 am to go to work to W.W.A.M. But when that time does come around ill still have to get up monday -friday at 7am, but HEY! everyone has to grow up sooner or later, I'd just perfer later. But who know? My job at IBM could be ending in july, the only part of that, that acutally saddens me, is the loss of money, but ill alwasy have Bennigans to fall back on.
I cannot wait till i have 100% comtrol of my life again. I sitll look back and rememebr the days when i didn thave a care in the world. I cared about 2 things, getting fucked up( on anything i could get my hangs on) and Bennigans. Being there on time, and not throwing up @ work. I cared about nothing else. No one feelings other than mine, and my few close friends. I didnt care if i was messing around with someone boyfriend, i didnt care if i was stealing someone prized possesion, i didnt care if others hated me, i was to fucked up to care. I was a bitch that thought it was almost cool to hurt people. The way i seen it, if i wasnt truly 100% happy, then why should anyone be? wow. i was a bitch.
Why do people have low self-esteem, or bad self image? I dont know? i ask myself that everyday too. If i had an answer iw old share it with the world, and if i had that answer I'd be able to fix my esteem. People are always saying to me "Your such a beautiful girl, your alwasy smiling, what is wrong?" WHATS WRONG? Ill tell ya whats wrong... im not exactly sure. I'm afriad of being alone for the rest of my life. My dad walked away, & comes and goes as he pleases. I dont want that. I dont want to be the mean lady on the block with 30 cats. But thats how it is going to be. I will. I cant trust a single member f the oppisite sex. Not no way not no how. I have been walked all over again & again, time after time. So why would i even want to try? Im so scared of feeling "that way" again. I was so nieve at one point in my life. Being smaked around, being told "Your nothing, no one will ever love you besides me, you will not find love out there other than with me, your worthless, NOTHING, YOU WONT GO ANYWHERE IN LIFE." after a while i started believeing it. Untill one day i woke up. Well being punched in a public place is what did it. But i did wake up, and realized... "hey if everything he said was true, then id rather it be true without him, and the bruises. So i moved on, but moved onto another shitty realtionship. It wasnt alwasy shitty, just when the lies, suspicion, and the cheating started. Most on my part, but not alll! NOT ALL. But once i realized what i a fool i was, it was too late. I had already lost the LOSER i loved. I beat myself up for that for a year, which brings me to where i am now, WISER & STRONGER YET STIPUD AND WEAK.
I wonder if ill ever be known as Tara, the woman i love and can not be without, rather than Tara, the other woman, the girl i cheated on my girlfriend with? or Tara, that one girl i messed around with? Or Tara, that mean old lady with 30 cats that wont let us walk on her lawn. I want so badly to be a strng self confident woman that hold nothing back and can not be held back from antyhing. But i am still a little girl that feels lost in a big world. I want to have a voice, i want to feel loved and needed.
People look at me and wonder why i say im sad, lonly and depressed. "Your always smiling, laughing what do you mean your not happy, you seem like you are." and for the most part i am, on the outside. On the inside i am full of pain. and i am sure that i am NOT the only one that feels like that. But i am not one to walk around with a sad face saying "im sad, lonly and depressed someone please come pitty me and tell me your life is worse than mine." NOPE the only pitty i need is from myself. thank you very much. I am generally a happy girl, i can smile, i can laugh, i can have a good time, and believe me i AM a good time. I AM COOL. I AM FUNNY. It just all comes out when i think about "things." and ya im sure i could just not think about them, but then that would be letting it all bottle up inside, and thats not healthy, and not fun, cuz sooner or later, your going to explode, thats not fun at all. BEEN THERE DONE THAT.
I'll have to say that i do have a great family, one that cares, one that will do anything and everything for me. vise versa. I also have some pretty awesome friends, for the most part. They are there when i need them to listen, to talk, or to just sit there and look at me cry. FOR THE MOST PART. I cant rely on all the firends that i want, some of them have faded a lil, but thats just cuz their vison is being imparred for the moment.
I have learned that being who YOU really are, matters. You cant force people to like you, and you cant change your self to be liked. Being someone your not will get you no where in life... not that i am anywhere... but still it matters.
I just have so many questions going thru my head day in and day out, will they ever be answered i dont know? there is only one way to find out... TIME.
K IM DONE.
i kinda feel smart after. ahhh haaa
ok byeeeeeeeeee
::T:a:R:a::
I cannot wait till i have 100% comtrol of my life again. I sitll look back and rememebr the days when i didn thave a care in the world. I cared about 2 things, getting fucked up( on anything i could get my hangs on) and Bennigans. Being there on time, and not throwing up @ work. I cared about nothing else. No one feelings other than mine, and my few close friends. I didnt care if i was messing around with someone boyfriend, i didnt care if i was stealing someone prized possesion, i didnt care if others hated me, i was to fucked up to care. I was a bitch that thought it was almost cool to hurt people. The way i seen it, if i wasnt truly 100% happy, then why should anyone be? wow. i was a bitch.
Why do people have low self-esteem, or bad self image? I dont know? i ask myself that everyday too. If i had an answer iw old share it with the world, and if i had that answer I'd be able to fix my esteem. People are always saying to me "Your such a beautiful girl, your alwasy smiling, what is wrong?" WHATS WRONG? Ill tell ya whats wrong... im not exactly sure. I'm afriad of being alone for the rest of my life. My dad walked away, & comes and goes as he pleases. I dont want that. I dont want to be the mean lady on the block with 30 cats. But thats how it is going to be. I will. I cant trust a single member f the oppisite sex. Not no way not no how. I have been walked all over again & again, time after time. So why would i even want to try? Im so scared of feeling "that way" again. I was so nieve at one point in my life. Being smaked around, being told "Your nothing, no one will ever love you besides me, you will not find love out there other than with me, your worthless, NOTHING, YOU WONT GO ANYWHERE IN LIFE." after a while i started believeing it. Untill one day i woke up. Well being punched in a public place is what did it. But i did wake up, and realized... "hey if everything he said was true, then id rather it be true without him, and the bruises. So i moved on, but moved onto another shitty realtionship. It wasnt alwasy shitty, just when the lies, suspicion, and the cheating started. Most on my part, but not alll! NOT ALL. But once i realized what i a fool i was, it was too late. I had already lost the LOSER i loved. I beat myself up for that for a year, which brings me to where i am now, WISER & STRONGER YET STIPUD AND WEAK.
I wonder if ill ever be known as Tara, the woman i love and can not be without, rather than Tara, the other woman, the girl i cheated on my girlfriend with? or Tara, that one girl i messed around with? Or Tara, that mean old lady with 30 cats that wont let us walk on her lawn. I want so badly to be a strng self confident woman that hold nothing back and can not be held back from antyhing. But i am still a little girl that feels lost in a big world. I want to have a voice, i want to feel loved and needed.
People look at me and wonder why i say im sad, lonly and depressed. "Your always smiling, laughing what do you mean your not happy, you seem like you are." and for the most part i am, on the outside. On the inside i am full of pain. and i am sure that i am NOT the only one that feels like that. But i am not one to walk around with a sad face saying "im sad, lonly and depressed someone please come pitty me and tell me your life is worse than mine." NOPE the only pitty i need is from myself. thank you very much. I am generally a happy girl, i can smile, i can laugh, i can have a good time, and believe me i AM a good time. I AM COOL. I AM FUNNY. It just all comes out when i think about "things." and ya im sure i could just not think about them, but then that would be letting it all bottle up inside, and thats not healthy, and not fun, cuz sooner or later, your going to explode, thats not fun at all. BEEN THERE DONE THAT.
I'll have to say that i do have a great family, one that cares, one that will do anything and everything for me. vise versa. I also have some pretty awesome friends, for the most part. They are there when i need them to listen, to talk, or to just sit there and look at me cry. FOR THE MOST PART. I cant rely on all the firends that i want, some of them have faded a lil, but thats just cuz their vison is being imparred for the moment.
I have learned that being who YOU really are, matters. You cant force people to like you, and you cant change your self to be liked. Being someone your not will get you no where in life... not that i am anywhere... but still it matters.
I just have so many questions going thru my head day in and day out, will they ever be answered i dont know? there is only one way to find out... TIME.
K IM DONE.
i kinda feel smart after. ahhh haaa
ok byeeeeeeeeee
::T:a:R:a::