(no subject)
Long time no write, but I need to get this off my chest. It’s the first time since arriving here that I’ve actually felt close to a real, genuine meltdown and I need to get this out somehow. It’s only ten past nine, I already feel like I’ve fucked up, and I’m too busy today to cry. That is, I’m NOT coming back to the staff room looking like I’ve obviously cried :|
So I was asked to help out with the school exams this week. Absolutely delighted to do that, over the moon. I’ve sat enough of those things to know what they’re like and I’m quite interested in inflicting that particular hell on others for a change. This morning first period was the second years’ English exam. I say ‘was’. That’s what I was told by my JTE (who is absent today), and the other second-year English teacher was like, “You’ll help me out, right? See you on Thursday.”
So far so good, right?
The morning rolls around, I leave the house extra early to arrive at school in time for a hash-out with Nori-sensei… nothing. No sensei. I run all over the school searching for him, and nothing. Nobody WANTS to understand me when I ask the very obvious question of where he is. There’s no such thing as a straight answer here. “Do you know where Nori-sensei is?” “I don’t know. Probably.”.
The beginning of the exam comes and goes and I’m sitting at my desk fucking FREAKING OUT because the staff information board is just a wall of kanji that I can’t understand. I’m searching my desk for some kind of indication, some kind of clue, even and exam paper and there’s NOTHING. And I’m angry and frustrated. A quick visual check of Nori-sensei’s desk and I see a stack of papers rubber-banded together so the contents aren’t visible. I can make out the kanji for the second grade, and THIRD exam period. So it’s entirely possible that Nori-sensei is invigilating for another exam and the English test has been moved. But no one will freaking tell me that. (“Has the English exam been rescheduled?” “Mmm. Probably. Or probably it’s already started”)
I go on another search of the school and there’s still nothing. I’m already highly-strung because I promised sensei I’d help and I’m clearly not. Another sensei has left her exam for the third year on my desk to look over (It’s fine, but she did so at 8:38 and the exam started at 8:40) And the kanji everywhere is still freaking me out. And like a moron I just HIDE. Like I did during my first month at junior school, when I got sick and my class and teachers just left me in the classroom because they were going on a school trip. Like I did when I fell and fucked up my foot during my A-levels. And god damn it, I just want to duck under the desk and cry right now. It’s like I’m expected to just KNOW what’s going on. It’s not even as though it’s written on the board today and they expect that I can read it. It’s like I’m supposed to understand through osmosis what I’m supposed to do and where I’m supposed to be; what’s cancelled and what’s on. You have no idea how many erasures and crossings-out I have in my diary with new stuff written in. I’m supposed to be at Tachibana tomorrow, but I’ve been asked to help out HERE in the morning and I don’t know if they know and I don’t have a phone number so I can’t ASK!
I know that this is mostly just culture shock speaking and believe me, it’s about fucking time I got a hit of it. But did it have to be today?! Did it have to be now when I actually have to function and do a job for the next seven hours?
…also, there’s so much stuff crossed out in my diary that I forgot we don’t have kyuushoku today. Luckily I think we can sneak out and get something but it’s so bloody stressful :/
So now I’m gonna wait for Nori-sensei to come back and yell at me. Or wonder how/why I DIDN’T know that the exam was moved to third period; it could really be either.
So I was asked to help out with the school exams this week. Absolutely delighted to do that, over the moon. I’ve sat enough of those things to know what they’re like and I’m quite interested in inflicting that particular hell on others for a change. This morning first period was the second years’ English exam. I say ‘was’. That’s what I was told by my JTE (who is absent today), and the other second-year English teacher was like, “You’ll help me out, right? See you on Thursday.”
So far so good, right?
The morning rolls around, I leave the house extra early to arrive at school in time for a hash-out with Nori-sensei… nothing. No sensei. I run all over the school searching for him, and nothing. Nobody WANTS to understand me when I ask the very obvious question of where he is. There’s no such thing as a straight answer here. “Do you know where Nori-sensei is?” “I don’t know. Probably.”.
The beginning of the exam comes and goes and I’m sitting at my desk fucking FREAKING OUT because the staff information board is just a wall of kanji that I can’t understand. I’m searching my desk for some kind of indication, some kind of clue, even and exam paper and there’s NOTHING. And I’m angry and frustrated. A quick visual check of Nori-sensei’s desk and I see a stack of papers rubber-banded together so the contents aren’t visible. I can make out the kanji for the second grade, and THIRD exam period. So it’s entirely possible that Nori-sensei is invigilating for another exam and the English test has been moved. But no one will freaking tell me that. (“Has the English exam been rescheduled?” “Mmm. Probably. Or probably it’s already started”)
I go on another search of the school and there’s still nothing. I’m already highly-strung because I promised sensei I’d help and I’m clearly not. Another sensei has left her exam for the third year on my desk to look over (It’s fine, but she did so at 8:38 and the exam started at 8:40) And the kanji everywhere is still freaking me out. And like a moron I just HIDE. Like I did during my first month at junior school, when I got sick and my class and teachers just left me in the classroom because they were going on a school trip. Like I did when I fell and fucked up my foot during my A-levels. And god damn it, I just want to duck under the desk and cry right now. It’s like I’m expected to just KNOW what’s going on. It’s not even as though it’s written on the board today and they expect that I can read it. It’s like I’m supposed to understand through osmosis what I’m supposed to do and where I’m supposed to be; what’s cancelled and what’s on. You have no idea how many erasures and crossings-out I have in my diary with new stuff written in. I’m supposed to be at Tachibana tomorrow, but I’ve been asked to help out HERE in the morning and I don’t know if they know and I don’t have a phone number so I can’t ASK!
I know that this is mostly just culture shock speaking and believe me, it’s about fucking time I got a hit of it. But did it have to be today?! Did it have to be now when I actually have to function and do a job for the next seven hours?
…also, there’s so much stuff crossed out in my diary that I forgot we don’t have kyuushoku today. Luckily I think we can sneak out and get something but it’s so bloody stressful :/
So now I’m gonna wait for Nori-sensei to come back and yell at me. Or wonder how/why I DIDN’T know that the exam was moved to third period; it could really be either.