Im sorry that its been a while
I recently joined myspace so ive been over there alot recently. I havent been updating this much because most of my posts here only depress me now. They were from the darkest part of my life when my world was going to hell. The sad thing is i dont really feel as though im quite out of it yet. Dana claims to want me back despite that i know for a fact that she isnt the least bit sorry for what she put me through, or even what she still puts me through. Its frustrating because i still love her. She has surrounded herself with people that encourage and justify to her that she has no reason to feel guilty and that i deserved what she did to me. I guess its easier for her than feeling guilty. Her friends only care about making her feel good about herself. Ordinarily i wouldnt see a problem with this, but at the cost of ones concience, i dont see how they can sleep at night. Even satanists who see no problem with being selfish are at least tempered by a sense of right and wrong. My friends on the other hand full on confront me with the fact that i was a bastard and i feel like crap for it. I dont just feel like crap, ive done things to fix it. Anything i could do to stop being as ive been, ive made it a point to do. She claims that she cant go back to the person she used to be, yet expects me to be more like who i was when we first got together.
We have been trying to see if we can be together again but she is still lying to me about things after we both said we wouldnt hide anything from each other. I found out that she had a threesome with the guy that she cheated on me with during the time that we were seperated. she denies this fact and claims that she only did stuff with the other person involved but that isnt what was indicated by what i found. This tells me that she isnt sorry about what she did to me and that she would do it again. And since she hid it from me, i can be sure that she wont be anymore honest with me than she has already been. Sometimes i envy her for her lack of right/wrong. I wish i could go through life believing that by being dishonest im somehow sparing people the oh so cruel truth because im in fact a monster. I guess the whole idea of simply not being a monster is unrealistic to her. All i want is the truth but she would rather risk losing me completely than be honest and so she likely will.
We have been trying to see if we can be together again but she is still lying to me about things after we both said we wouldnt hide anything from each other. I found out that she had a threesome with the guy that she cheated on me with during the time that we were seperated. she denies this fact and claims that she only did stuff with the other person involved but that isnt what was indicated by what i found. This tells me that she isnt sorry about what she did to me and that she would do it again. And since she hid it from me, i can be sure that she wont be anymore honest with me than she has already been. Sometimes i envy her for her lack of right/wrong. I wish i could go through life believing that by being dishonest im somehow sparing people the oh so cruel truth because im in fact a monster. I guess the whole idea of simply not being a monster is unrealistic to her. All i want is the truth but she would rather risk losing me completely than be honest and so she likely will.