(no subject)
I am not doing well at the moment.
I did quite badly in my Chinese exam, scoring just 89 out of 120. :( That's 18 points lower than the highest mark. As a result, Mom has banned me from the internet, and filled my spring break with extra-curricular lessons. That in itself wouldn't be too bad. I mean, it'd be a nuisance, but not that awful. It's just that all the things added together... it gets to me.
I'm having the zhongkao in about two months. My teacher says the course of my life will depend on whether or not I can get into a good high school. I have a ten-hour schoolday, lessons on Saturday, three tests per week, the works. It's... depressing. And the parents are angry because I didn't do well, and the lectures abound. It feels so unfair. I want to plead that I'm not perfect, but I can't. Nobody asked me to be perfect. People don't care whether or not I can sing, or write, or play the piano. All that's wanted is a good grade, and that last is the one thing I don't have at the moment.
I hate the way life's going. I hate looking at the classroom window and seeing those ugly iron bars. I hate all this pressure, the cold judgement of my worth as a person based on a bunch of numbers. My hands shake whenever I see an exam paper, and I feel trapped and trammelled and helpless like a wild animal.
I feel so lifeless and grey. It's springtime, and I shouldn't, but I do. I don't even care what I do any more. I'm that tired. I just want to cry and have it all stop, but it isn't going to no matter how hard I cry. I can't show my talents in an exam, and nobody will ever know. All they'll know is what I scored.
My sixteenth birthday's in three months. How I celebrate it will depend on how well I do in the big exam, as will my vacation. Damn it all.