Goodbye to serenity....
Tonight is my last night in Ann Arbor for a while. My plan? shower, find packing tape, go spend some last decent quality time with Erin and see if I can convince her to take me to the airport early in the morning. Which reminds me, *Doh!* that I probably should've called a cab for it. Following all that, I would finish packing my stuff up, and then log back into City of Heroes for the last time in what could be 3 months. Not just to make my money's worth, but for sheer enjoyment. I will miss the game immensely. I logged in shortly before, just to say bye to a couple of friends who might not still be online when I get back later. Good old Delirium, Neon Angel and Nanuk. Nanuk not so much, but we have had a few good romps together. Angel and Del though, those are the close ones I made somewhat recently, and have been on several teams with them. Had a really fun time with them, hence the adding to my friends list. I will not shy away from saying I lightly flirted with Angel, but only in the way we all do with the healer, especially one as aptly named as Neon Angel. Our Guardian Angel, who we wonder what we'd ever do without.. you know, all that. Good fun. A good gang. The last time we teamed together we were the only ones keeping all the others in the team alive lol.
Anyway, it was sad. Just being there, standing on top of a 200m statue, saying bye to a couple of good buddies. I regret not spending more time as my other main character Foreshadow to spend some time with the friends I made as him on another server. Haven't seen them in ages as a result. they were good people too. Oh well. I know it sounds funny, me here treasuring online friends while having friends right here in Ann Arbor... I do appreciate the rest of you guys of course. Great friends without doubt. Just remember how much time I put into this game, these characters, and so how much time I ended up spending with these other people I just happened to team with. Half the time I was here in my room I was on this game. And needless to say I spent a lot of time in this room. So, I'll miss it all.
Part of this probably comes from the headache and stress I'm accumulating from the dread of leaving tomorrow. I'm comfy here. I don't want to go to Vail to be alone with my parents for a whole 6 days. At the moment they seem to be wondering how they could raise a son who turned out as bad as I am. That's the message I'm getting of course. My mom being around my grandpa couldn't help though. When your grandpa signs off his emails to me saying "get lots of As to make grandpa proud of you" you know there are impressions to be made. I'm dreading that too. It's all coming together, and if I'd had the determination to work on what I saw was happening, this would all be a lot easier, and I wouldn't be dealing with this crap. And then of course I start wondering if I'll ever really fix myself up. That's when I start questioning whether or not I was actually ready for this whole university business. Am I really responsible enough? mature enough? Disciplined enough? I know I"m not responsible enough. I'm sure as hell not very disciplined. I do believe I had enough maturity for it, but that's just me. You're open to debate that one.
A part of me told me that it just wasn't the atmosphere for me, that I was most constructive in the environment I knew back in Jakarta. Knowing however, that a lot of people left their old environments to settle into new ones depresses me that I couldn't handle it. Even worse is taking into account that I, as an expat, am supposed to be flexible and adaptable to environments. And then there's something I remember from IB. People and teachers telling us that the IB is the best preparation there is for university, considering the workload, the requirements, the grading, even the topics and so on and so on. It made us into casual workers. We worked hard, we played harder. Anyway, since this whole idea is rather depressing, I then came up with another idea which said that I didn't have the classroom environment which really made things better back home. For the most part, classmates were just that, classmates first. Almost never friends. Sure, I had some classes with a nice environment, that Chinese film one I did enjoy, and Logic had its moments for sure, but you could attribute that to what I'm saying. I had friends there. Spanish is quite another thing altogether. Lecture was just.. ugh. and Discussion? You're supposed to build friendships there, but really, I felt closer to the tree outside my window. Friends first, classmates second. People you can joke about the professors with afterwards... that sort of thing. What I didn't enjoy about spanish was that so many people were so happy with it. I certainly wasn't, and couldn't understand how people worked here. You really really LIKE these classes? I couldn't actually believe them at face value. I thought maybe they're convincing themselves... maybe they're putting it on to suck up to the professors... it couldn't possibly be true. who really honestly LIKES this stuff? That was what I was used to. You went to class, wasn't something you necessarily wanted to do, you just did. Some were better than others. You like, you don't like. It felt real because as friends, we talked to each other straight, about what we really thought. Here, it felt fake in some cases.
Wow I really went off on a tangent. That's what rambling gets me, but for you it gets you confused from reading this! Basically, I've been having some serious doubts. Should I have even come here? Was I ready at all? The devil on my shoulder tells me everything would've worked out so much better had you taken a gap year first. There would be no classes, no grades for you to fail. You wouldn't be homesick alllll the blooooody tiiime (I'm as sick of it as anyone else). Your parents wouldn't have to pay for both you and your sister. It all works out you see? I wouldn't be chatting online with old friends at 6am to find out they went to a huge awesome rave and had the best night of their lives and that every night since has been absolutely awesome. I'd actually be there. it drives me insane at the idea of it. Things could have turned out so much better it seems. Maybe a goodbye around now instead of when I actually did would've been better. Maybe it would've been easier. I don't know. I know it's all unchangeable now. There's nothing we can do about it. Move on. I wish I could... I really do. Is it the atmosphere? can I not adapt to this? is it too much? possibly. is it just me? more than likely. Can I fix it? I have so many doubts, it's doubly depressing. The way it looks my life could be an endless series of me screwing up because of my lack of responsibility. I've had chances to do better, times when I looked to be getting better, only to lose it all. I think I hit my peak last summer. That was the closest I've been to mature and responsible ever. Too bad it's gone for now.
Sorry about the rant everyone. the breakdown is just pretty hard right now.
Anyway, it was sad. Just being there, standing on top of a 200m statue, saying bye to a couple of good buddies. I regret not spending more time as my other main character Foreshadow to spend some time with the friends I made as him on another server. Haven't seen them in ages as a result. they were good people too. Oh well. I know it sounds funny, me here treasuring online friends while having friends right here in Ann Arbor... I do appreciate the rest of you guys of course. Great friends without doubt. Just remember how much time I put into this game, these characters, and so how much time I ended up spending with these other people I just happened to team with. Half the time I was here in my room I was on this game. And needless to say I spent a lot of time in this room. So, I'll miss it all.
Part of this probably comes from the headache and stress I'm accumulating from the dread of leaving tomorrow. I'm comfy here. I don't want to go to Vail to be alone with my parents for a whole 6 days. At the moment they seem to be wondering how they could raise a son who turned out as bad as I am. That's the message I'm getting of course. My mom being around my grandpa couldn't help though. When your grandpa signs off his emails to me saying "get lots of As to make grandpa proud of you" you know there are impressions to be made. I'm dreading that too. It's all coming together, and if I'd had the determination to work on what I saw was happening, this would all be a lot easier, and I wouldn't be dealing with this crap. And then of course I start wondering if I'll ever really fix myself up. That's when I start questioning whether or not I was actually ready for this whole university business. Am I really responsible enough? mature enough? Disciplined enough? I know I"m not responsible enough. I'm sure as hell not very disciplined. I do believe I had enough maturity for it, but that's just me. You're open to debate that one.
A part of me told me that it just wasn't the atmosphere for me, that I was most constructive in the environment I knew back in Jakarta. Knowing however, that a lot of people left their old environments to settle into new ones depresses me that I couldn't handle it. Even worse is taking into account that I, as an expat, am supposed to be flexible and adaptable to environments. And then there's something I remember from IB. People and teachers telling us that the IB is the best preparation there is for university, considering the workload, the requirements, the grading, even the topics and so on and so on. It made us into casual workers. We worked hard, we played harder. Anyway, since this whole idea is rather depressing, I then came up with another idea which said that I didn't have the classroom environment which really made things better back home. For the most part, classmates were just that, classmates first. Almost never friends. Sure, I had some classes with a nice environment, that Chinese film one I did enjoy, and Logic had its moments for sure, but you could attribute that to what I'm saying. I had friends there. Spanish is quite another thing altogether. Lecture was just.. ugh. and Discussion? You're supposed to build friendships there, but really, I felt closer to the tree outside my window. Friends first, classmates second. People you can joke about the professors with afterwards... that sort of thing. What I didn't enjoy about spanish was that so many people were so happy with it. I certainly wasn't, and couldn't understand how people worked here. You really really LIKE these classes? I couldn't actually believe them at face value. I thought maybe they're convincing themselves... maybe they're putting it on to suck up to the professors... it couldn't possibly be true. who really honestly LIKES this stuff? That was what I was used to. You went to class, wasn't something you necessarily wanted to do, you just did. Some were better than others. You like, you don't like. It felt real because as friends, we talked to each other straight, about what we really thought. Here, it felt fake in some cases.
Wow I really went off on a tangent. That's what rambling gets me, but for you it gets you confused from reading this! Basically, I've been having some serious doubts. Should I have even come here? Was I ready at all? The devil on my shoulder tells me everything would've worked out so much better had you taken a gap year first. There would be no classes, no grades for you to fail. You wouldn't be homesick alllll the blooooody tiiime (I'm as sick of it as anyone else). Your parents wouldn't have to pay for both you and your sister. It all works out you see? I wouldn't be chatting online with old friends at 6am to find out they went to a huge awesome rave and had the best night of their lives and that every night since has been absolutely awesome. I'd actually be there. it drives me insane at the idea of it. Things could have turned out so much better it seems. Maybe a goodbye around now instead of when I actually did would've been better. Maybe it would've been easier. I don't know. I know it's all unchangeable now. There's nothing we can do about it. Move on. I wish I could... I really do. Is it the atmosphere? can I not adapt to this? is it too much? possibly. is it just me? more than likely. Can I fix it? I have so many doubts, it's doubly depressing. The way it looks my life could be an endless series of me screwing up because of my lack of responsibility. I've had chances to do better, times when I looked to be getting better, only to lose it all. I think I hit my peak last summer. That was the closest I've been to mature and responsible ever. Too bad it's gone for now.
Sorry about the rant everyone. the breakdown is just pretty hard right now.