Just When Things are Going Well...
Ever heard the old adage that when one part of your life is going well, something else has to go to shit? Rationally, I know it's just coincidence, but my life is full of things right now and I'd much rather be thinking of the good stuff than focusing on a new development: one of my younger sisters has contacted me via MySpace. Apparently she sent me a message in February, but I never check MySpace - I got another message today and got an email prompt about it, and logged in, and saw that my sis had sent me a message. So I sent her a quick reply confirming that I was me, and she emailed me back around noon.
This, of course, has opened the floodgates for me. I have 5 younger siblings, and we were all raised by different people. My two youngest sisters were both living with my mom when she died - they were 5 and 3, respectively - and they each went to different families. My youngest sister is being raised by my aunt and uncle, and I last saw her in 2006. The next-youngest sister got adopted by a strange family when my mom died, and the next older sister got adopted by a strange family when she was born. The next older sister (5 years younger than me, apparently) was raised by her grandma on her dad's side, and this is the one who's sent me a message. The final sibling is my brother, who is a year younger than me, who's been contacting me off and on for the past year or two.
I dunno why but I fear contact with my siblings. It generally hasn't gone well. In 2000, the adoptive sister of one of my younger siblings ran into me where I was working at the time, and put together my name with my mom's daughter. She figured out that I was the biological sister of her adoptive sister, and put me in touch with her. We hung out a few times (I think she was 11, at the time, and I was 18 or 19) and I even went to some sort of family lunch at her school. But shortly after that, her adoptive mom asked me out to lunch, and explained very nicely but firmly that my sis was at a sensitive age and my being around had stirred up a lot of stuff for her. She said that my mom had disappointed her a lot - saying she'd show up and bring presents and stuff, and never would - and that my sis couldn't take that kind of disappointment from me. I understood, of course - mom had done the same thing to me, so I knew exactly how my sister would feel. So I agreed to stay away. Since then, I've realized that the best thing I could have done for my sister was to *not* be like my mom, and stick around, and I kick my 18-year-old self for letting some overprotective but well-meaning adoptive mom chase me away. But I have no way of getting back in touch with her - don't know her last name, and not even sure how to spell her first name. It's just one of my few regrets.
More recently, my brother has been trying to make contact with me. We've traded a few emails, and I even called him last Easter, but I don't think he's on the straight and narrow and the last thing I want is to be in contact with someone who is a drug abuser. I went through enough of that with mom, and just don't want the drama of that in my life again. So while I'd like to get to know my brother, I fear it because I *know* he's used drugs (and has even served jail time) and I don't have any way of knowing that he's not still doing that. It's hard. I haven't heard much from them recently, and haven't made much effort to get in contact with them. I have his wife's contact info (apparently he doesn't have contact info, and I think he's only semi-literate) but I haven't really done much with it.
And now with this sister getting in touch with me... I'm apprehensive. Both her parents were drug abusers - our mom and her dad. Her grandma wouldn't let her spend any time with us because she thought my mom was a bad influence (true) so her dad used to sneak her out to the local park and me and my mom would visit with her under fake names. She couldn't know who we really were, because she was young and she might accidentally mention it to her grandma, who would stop the visits. I must have been only 9-11, then, and it was a lot to ask of me - the little girl who only wanted my mom to love me, and get all the family back together again - to suddenly be confronted with a sister and not be able to make any sign of it. Her grandma did eventually find out, and the visits stopped. I didn't see her again until my mom's funeral, when she was probably 17. We talked at the funeral, and she gave me her digits and we talked on the phone a few times - but then I didn't hear from her anymore. And I don't think I realized until just now how much that hurt me, and now here she is again.
I worry that she's like mom, too. I gather from her "MySpace" profile that she parties, and she's made some reference to parole, so I assume she's done jail time. (What is it with my family? Bad DNA? Nature vs. nurture?) I don't know enough about her to know whether it's safe to talk with her or not. Part of me desperately wants to, because I feel like I've been missing so much from my life by not knowing my family - but part of me is like "You effing idiot! What happens when you get in touch with your family? You just get hurt!"
Other than this drama crap, I'm at a good point in my life right now. I'm happy with who I am and the people in my life, and I'm determined to live my life being the person I want to be. So I've emailed her back, and I'll stay in touch with her until I can see whether she's a drug abuser or not. And I'll make the call then. I'm not gonna avoid something I want because I'm afraid of being hurt - I've done that enough. It doesn't stop me from being hurt, and usually only gives me something to regret later.
So we'll see where this leads, and I'll try not to be too down about it. But it's brought up a lot of crap from my family issues, at a time when I had precariously little focus to begin with, and that's damned inconvenient.
This, of course, has opened the floodgates for me. I have 5 younger siblings, and we were all raised by different people. My two youngest sisters were both living with my mom when she died - they were 5 and 3, respectively - and they each went to different families. My youngest sister is being raised by my aunt and uncle, and I last saw her in 2006. The next-youngest sister got adopted by a strange family when my mom died, and the next older sister got adopted by a strange family when she was born. The next older sister (5 years younger than me, apparently) was raised by her grandma on her dad's side, and this is the one who's sent me a message. The final sibling is my brother, who is a year younger than me, who's been contacting me off and on for the past year or two.
I dunno why but I fear contact with my siblings. It generally hasn't gone well. In 2000, the adoptive sister of one of my younger siblings ran into me where I was working at the time, and put together my name with my mom's daughter. She figured out that I was the biological sister of her adoptive sister, and put me in touch with her. We hung out a few times (I think she was 11, at the time, and I was 18 or 19) and I even went to some sort of family lunch at her school. But shortly after that, her adoptive mom asked me out to lunch, and explained very nicely but firmly that my sis was at a sensitive age and my being around had stirred up a lot of stuff for her. She said that my mom had disappointed her a lot - saying she'd show up and bring presents and stuff, and never would - and that my sis couldn't take that kind of disappointment from me. I understood, of course - mom had done the same thing to me, so I knew exactly how my sister would feel. So I agreed to stay away. Since then, I've realized that the best thing I could have done for my sister was to *not* be like my mom, and stick around, and I kick my 18-year-old self for letting some overprotective but well-meaning adoptive mom chase me away. But I have no way of getting back in touch with her - don't know her last name, and not even sure how to spell her first name. It's just one of my few regrets.
More recently, my brother has been trying to make contact with me. We've traded a few emails, and I even called him last Easter, but I don't think he's on the straight and narrow and the last thing I want is to be in contact with someone who is a drug abuser. I went through enough of that with mom, and just don't want the drama of that in my life again. So while I'd like to get to know my brother, I fear it because I *know* he's used drugs (and has even served jail time) and I don't have any way of knowing that he's not still doing that. It's hard. I haven't heard much from them recently, and haven't made much effort to get in contact with them. I have his wife's contact info (apparently he doesn't have contact info, and I think he's only semi-literate) but I haven't really done much with it.
And now with this sister getting in touch with me... I'm apprehensive. Both her parents were drug abusers - our mom and her dad. Her grandma wouldn't let her spend any time with us because she thought my mom was a bad influence (true) so her dad used to sneak her out to the local park and me and my mom would visit with her under fake names. She couldn't know who we really were, because she was young and she might accidentally mention it to her grandma, who would stop the visits. I must have been only 9-11, then, and it was a lot to ask of me - the little girl who only wanted my mom to love me, and get all the family back together again - to suddenly be confronted with a sister and not be able to make any sign of it. Her grandma did eventually find out, and the visits stopped. I didn't see her again until my mom's funeral, when she was probably 17. We talked at the funeral, and she gave me her digits and we talked on the phone a few times - but then I didn't hear from her anymore. And I don't think I realized until just now how much that hurt me, and now here she is again.
I worry that she's like mom, too. I gather from her "MySpace" profile that she parties, and she's made some reference to parole, so I assume she's done jail time. (What is it with my family? Bad DNA? Nature vs. nurture?) I don't know enough about her to know whether it's safe to talk with her or not. Part of me desperately wants to, because I feel like I've been missing so much from my life by not knowing my family - but part of me is like "You effing idiot! What happens when you get in touch with your family? You just get hurt!"
Other than this drama crap, I'm at a good point in my life right now. I'm happy with who I am and the people in my life, and I'm determined to live my life being the person I want to be. So I've emailed her back, and I'll stay in touch with her until I can see whether she's a drug abuser or not. And I'll make the call then. I'm not gonna avoid something I want because I'm afraid of being hurt - I've done that enough. It doesn't stop me from being hurt, and usually only gives me something to regret later.
So we'll see where this leads, and I'll try not to be too down about it. But it's brought up a lot of crap from my family issues, at a time when I had precariously little focus to begin with, and that's damned inconvenient.