I'm back!
The PPCer is back and...well, if not better than ever, at least a bit wiser from her summer. Don't ask how it went, though. I'd rather not remember it.
Laih: here, at long last, is the PPCing of the fic you requested after winning the "Guess the Age of the Suethor" contest. Everyone else: it is a fangirl-heavy fic. You have been warned.
“Shut your eyes, Isaiah.”
“Any particular reason? The console just beeped, Mara. I was finishing my breakfast and didn’t have time to look at the next mission.”
“All the better.”
Silence.
“Oh, fine. Just don’t let me bang into anything.”
“Won’t be a problem. We’re going through the portal.”
Whoosh!
“Out of curiosity, what’s the title of this fic?”
“Love Struck.”
More silence.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything except for Legolas. He’s MINE! All mine! My friend is trying to steal him from me, but she won’t get him! He’s my precioussss.........
“She owns what now?” Isaiah asked incredulously. The agents were disguised as…nothing, really, since the setting was 21st century Earth. “The author didn’t actually say that, did she?”
“’Fraid so,” Mara admitted. “And here comes the author’s note.”
“Are we really supposed to PPC author’s notes?”
“No, but it comes after the disclaimer, which is PPC-worthy because the author claims to own Legolas.” Mara rolled her eyes.
***POV: Kasey***
Hello everyone! My names Kasey and I LUV LOTR! More than anything in the world, except for my friends (flatmates). We’re all obsessed with lotr and anything to do with it. Even Sam admits that Boromir is HOT! (flames!) Oh, and of course I am totally and completely head-over-heels in lurv with the one and only: LEGOLAS GREENLEAF! Like, OH MY GOD! Hotness perfected! i.e: so hot you need sunglasses to look at him. But before I get into this oh-so- cool story, I better tell you about us all.
“Mommy...” Isaiah felt his knees weaken. “Just how long is this fic?”
“Sh!”
As you already know, I’m Kasey. I have dark blonde hair (which is just past my shoulders) and green/grey eyes. I guess you could say I’m pretty outgoing and very loud! I live for talking and I can’t stand silence!
“Let’s just hope her Sue isn’t as talkative as she is.”
The author went on to describe her best friend, Samantha. According to Kasey, Samantha was “real tough,” “very stubborn”, “totally gorgeous [with] very long wavy chocolate-coloured hair and the most amazing brown eyes” and of the opinion that Boromir was “the hottest thing alive.” Isaiah wondered what this had to do with the story, but Mara had already guessed its significance. Confirming her suspicions, the author moved on to describing yet another friend-Shandell, who had a personality similar to Kasey’s, except that she had a fondness for partying and had sandy brown hair with hazel eyes.
“What in Arda...why is she going on and on about her friends?” Isaiah frowned.
“That’s her version of character development, Isaiah.”
“What? This isn’t a story-there’s no plot, no nothing! It’s just a list of teenage girls!”
Tentatively, Mara explained to Isaiah, “These girls are going to be fictionalized as part of the story.”
Isaiah’s mouth opened. “That can’t be right!” he said finally. “No, she just hasn’t moved onto the story yet. Look, there’s no space break, nothing to delineate the beginning of the fic. Let’s hope that this is an unusually long author’s note.”
Mara had never seen her partner in quite this much denial.
There were three more descriptions to go: Keira, Shandell’s best friend who was equipped with a sense of humor, overactive hormones, and “elbow length auburn coloured hair and dark blue eyes.”
“It’s she and Shandell, not her and Shandell!” Isaiah interrupted vehemently. “You wouldn’t say, ‘Her is totally boy-crazy.’ So why would you say that ‘her and Shandell’ are?”
The scratching of his quill was broken off (as was the tip of the pen) when the male agent heard Gollum referred to as “anorexic psycho freak.” His anger carried him through the descriptions of “easy-going”, “great sense of humor” “very pretty” “ultra-gorgeous and cool” Allyson and “quiet” “good listener” “ultra-pretty” Rachel.
“Don’t these girls have any flaws?” Isaiah wondered to himself.
Mara cleared her throat and Isaiah realized that she had been right. He had been listening to the description of future Sues.
Well, that’s everyone and now I’ll continue on with the story.
“WHAT FREAKING STORY?!” Isaiah bellowed as the scene shifted. The narrator was kind enough to tell the agents that it was Sam’s point of view.
“If only this were Samwise,” Mara groused.
Tears poured down Allyson’s face. I rolled my eyes. She was turning into a waterfall.
FWOOOOSSSSH!
The first thing the agents saw was Allyson turning a dark blue, with her feet dissolving into foam and her hair becoming drenched. There was no introduction to the story-the location hadn’t been described, though Sam was there in first person. Meanwhile, Allyson was whining about how Haldir got killed off in The Two Towers, movie version.
“Can’t they go by the freakin’ book?” she complained.
“She read the books! Yesss! Oh, wait.” Isaiah contemplated for a moment. “The last one read the books, too.”
Samantha suddenly told off Sue Number One for whining and announced that she was going off to read fanfiction.
“What exactly is your problem, Sam?” asked Keira.
The agents jerked backwards as Keira popped out of thin air.
“Don’t you just love description?” Mara said sarcastically as the fangirls had an argument for no apparent reason. From somewhere, a voice told Sam and Keira to break it up. The agents soon found out it was Kasey. The hard way.
POP! Kasey, like Keira, appeared out of nowhere.
“Not ANOTHER one!”
Mara blinked several times. “This is most disturbing.”
While Sam!Sue was busy reading her favorite fanfic, she scrolled down the page and found, horror of horrors, that there was “a slash” between Legolas and Haldir.
“Ew,” I muttered.
“A slash story, you mean?” Isaiah demanded.
Three-dimensional images of Legolas and Haldir materialized in front of the agents. There was a giant slash between them.
“What do you reckon would be worse, Mara? A Legolas/Haldir fic or a Suefic?”
“It depends,” answered Mara. “It really does. Oh, Isaiah? Steady on your feet. There’s a lot of gratuitous POV-shifting.”
Instead of readying himself for the inevitable shift, Isaiah grabbed Mara by the elbow and clicked his portal button. Mara, startled, was shoved through the portal.
“What’d you do that for?” she asked.
“Preservation of our mental stability. What’s left of it, anyway,” Isaiah responded complacently. “We shifted right past Keira’s point of view. The only thing we missed was Allyson saying, “I wish Haldir were here, he is sooo HOT!” and the chiming in of all of the fangirls about the hotness of their respective L.O.s before they go to sleep. Watch your footing, now. We’re coming out at Kasey’s point of view.”
The fangirl woke up early and tried to get back to sleep, but for some reason, she couldn’t. Deciding at last to have breakfast, she went downstairs and found, to her surprise, several characters from the book standing in her house. The agents observed the scene from a rather uncomfortable cupboard-under-the-stairs.
“Ah, conjuration-Sue! We meet again.”
Mara looked out from behind the stairwell. “Who are the victims this time?”
“Legolas, Haldir, Rúmil, Elladan, Aragorn and Boromir,” Isaiah answered matter-of-factly. “I wonder if she made a checklist of all of the ‘hott’ guys in LotR and brought them all here.”
“Excuse us, mi’lady, but do you know where we are?” asked Aragorn.
“Mi’lady?” Isaiah shook his head while Sam came down the stairs and uttered the second of the eight “Oh my God”s in the story.
The rest of the girls came downstairs and gaped in shock for a while. Keira annoyingly informed the canonicals of their names, whereupon the canon characters stared back at them.
“Well, isn’t this mesmerizing.”
“Uh, Keira, I think you just scared the hell out of them!” Shandell said.
“Now they’ll probably mistake us for evil dudes,” muttered Rachel.
“What mistake?” snapped Mara.
Boromir asked if the young ladies were in league with Sauron. Mara nodded her head emphatically, but Isaiah pointed out that he doubted that the Dark Lord would bother with such idiotic teenagers. The fangirls, of course, denied it.
“Do you honestly think that we’d worship some evil demon guy who’s obsessed with an evil ring? Like, get real!”
“They...they do Sweet Valley speak! I’m outta here!” Isaiah tried to bolt, but Mara grabbed his shirt collar and stopped him.
“You do not have to worship Sauron to serve his purposes,” Mara clarified, still preventing her partner from fleeing. “He’s not a demon, either-a Balrog is a demon. Charge her, if you please.”
Isaiah noted that offense just as Aragorn said in dire tones that the Ring had been destroyed, but Saruman remained.
“Hunh?” Isaiah looked confused.
“Well, technically Saruman did outlast the Dark Lord,” Mara pointed out. “But Aragorn acts like Sharky was a threat to the characters here. He wasn’t. Oh, and you fangirls did NOT just call him ‘the ugly dude with the weird fingernails.’” Mara stuck her fingers in her ears and pretended she hadn’t heard that.
Isaiah comforted her by saying loudly, “If the canon Saruman were here...”
Mara took her fingers out of her ears and began imagining the consequences of that.
“Let’s see what else we can get these beauties for. Bringing Boromir back from the dead. Causing Aragorn to use bad grammar. Explaining to the canonicals that they’re in the year 2004 in Australia and that they’re all fictional characters, and having the canonicals understand what they’re talking about.”
“2004 would mean nothing to them,” Isaiah agreed, “since they don’t know what Age it is.”
Legolas demanded proof, so Sam held up The Fellowship of the Ring.
She opened up to a page and they’re names were printed there.
“It is unbelievable,” whispered Rumil. “I can not believe it.”
“Department of Redundancy Department?” Isaiah called the department on his communicator. “Hello and greetings. I’m reporting that one, I repeat, a single case of redundancy, that is, unnecessary repetition, has been found, that is, encountered, in a badfic.” He shook his head. “Hate reporting to those guys.”
“And do we really need another recitation from the Great Goddess Bast as to the difference between their, they’re and there?” Mara asked rhetorically.
“Well, there’s your proof,” I said.
“Proof that they’re characters in a book?” Mara was skeptical. “I think not. It just proves that their names are written down. As important as they are, I don’t think they’d find that overmuch out of the ordinary. This being Suefic, however, the canonicals will believe them. And, conveniently, not only is there no explanation for how the canonicals arrived, but there seems to be no way of sending them back.”
Keira-Sue added that they could stay for as long as they liked. Aragorn said, “Thankyou” and Keira nearly fainted.
“Erasing spaces. Causing Aragorn to be perfectly happy with the idea of remaining in a foreign locale with complete strangers.”
Stuff Arwen, she thought.
Mara hissed. “You will pay for that as well, I promise you.”
The fangirls introduced themselves-not that this helped Mara and Isaiah keep any of them straight, despite the generous non-narrative description they had had beforehand. Details about hair, beauty, and interests don’t make characters any more distinguishable if the author isn’t capable of infusing those characters with actual personalities. Any one fangirl could take any other fangirl’s lines, and no one would know the difference.
These reflections helped the PPC agents remain sane while Elladan and Rachel were hypnotized by each other’s good looks.
“Elladan? AGAIN? No. Nonononononononono. Not. Going. To. Put. Up. With. Second. Elladan. Sue. Ever.” Isaiah closed his eyes and creased his forehead repeatedly. Mara had to avoid him accidentally slugging her with a practice swing of his mace.
Shandell was smiling at Rumil, he was practically melting!
“Time to get the CAD out, I sense,” Mara said immediately, trying her best to ignore the puddle of Rúmil at Shandell’s feet.
“What, would you like it to explode again?” But Isaiah turned on the CAD to the lowest volume possible. The result was the readout screen swirling around in dazzlingly bright colors and the CAD giving off its monotone shriek with steam pouring out of it. The girls and canon characters drove off in Sam’s convertible on the Über-Interesting quest-the only one so far in this fanfic-for a “burger thingy” for the canonicals to eat. On the way, Keira asked Sam how the LotR characters might have gotten to Earth.
“Who knows? They could’ve of just appeared here or popped out of a poster.”
“I think ‘plothole’ is the term you’re looking for,” Mara said severely. “Ooh, don’t try to tell us that the canonicals won’t be able to return anytime soon, because we’ll pile on the charges and make your future torment worse than we’ve planned it.”
“Meanwhile, goodness knows what’s transpiring in Middle Earth while the canonicals are gone,” Isaiah added bitterly. “Am I the only one who gets tired of these Sues who think that they can waltz into the story and hijack the canon characters and NOTHING important will happen while the girls romance their L.O.s? A little responsibility would be nice. Or at least a little FORETHOUGHT. That way, they might be able to avoid the total idiocy of sending elves to archery lessons and the men to horseback riding lessons to keep them occupied!”
“Do the girls think they’d NEED them?” bellowed Mara. “By the Valar. The canonicals could teach the instructors a thing or two.”
“Where will they sleep?”
“With us?”
“Good idea, Sam.”
Isaiah made a pummeling motion.
“So, what do you predict for these Sues’ ends?” Mara inquired conversationally.
“Doom.” Isaiah took another practice swing with his mace. “DOOM DOOM DOOM! And then some!
“With a nice dash of pain and confusion!” he added as he noticed that Chapter Two’s title was “LUVLAND.”
Disclaimer: They took Leggy away from me! So nothing belongs to me! (Except my clothes, shoes, bedroom......)
“Shut. UP!” Mara snarled, losing her temper at the godlike voice emanating from somewhere upwards. Isaiah quickly grasped the side of the convertible with one hand and Mara with the other and held on as the point of view shifted to Shandell.
“So, here I was, just standing there, gaping in shock at the guys. All six of em’,” Shandell announced proudly.
Mara marked down a typo previously unfamiliar to her: “em’” instead of “’em.” She didn’t even need to lift her pen from charge to charge as Shandell’s smile caused Rúmil to blush.
Isaiah gawked, open mouthed. “He blushed.” His CAD flashed red and began beeping loudly.
“He blushed. Don’t act so surprised,” Mara chided him. “Sues can put a blush on the cheeks of Captain Jack Sparrow. I’ve seen it happen. Tone that thing down, will you?”
“Don’t tell me that you actually want to hear this dialogue,” Isaiah returned, setting the CAD on “mute.”
Rachel then opted for showing the canonicals some modern technology. The television apparently “scared the hell out of them,” as did the stereo and the kitchen devices.
Causing hardened warriors to be scared of household appliances, wrote Mara.
Multiple times, added Isaiah after checking Mara’s charge list.
We tried our best not to laugh as Keira explained to them how to use the toilet. Then Sam and Kasey came back. We ate our meal and the guys actually enjoyed it!
“They enjoyed burgers.” Mara raised an eyebrow at the scene.
Isaiah rolled his eyes. “After all of that royal cuisine, I’m sure the lords of Middle Earth couldn’t wait to try semi-processed cheese product.” His nostrils flared in annoyance at the continuation of uneventful happenings in a boring, boring story. The fic read like a second grader’s recitation of “What I Did Today,” only with several canon characters tagging along for no good reason. It vexed him to no end that, although the fangirls went through the trouble of bringing their lust objects to the 21st century, Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir et. al weren’t seen talking, developing character, or doing anything other than keeping the girls company. They might as well have been replaced with My Size Ken dolls, for all they really contributed.
Of course, the fangirls themselves contributed even less to the fic, sapping it of its vitality and cutting it free from any moorings it had in the original Lord of the Rings story. But that was to be expected.
Isaiah covered his mouth to stifle a yawn. “Seen it so many times before,” he said. “Portal. Please?” he begged Mara.
“Watch a minute more,” she admonished. “There’s something that just has to be said. Like many others of their ilk, the fangirls trot out the movies and subject the canon characters to them. As in many other Suefics, the canon characters are shocked by this. Why, then, does no one ask about anything or question why the movie and book stories don’t match up?”
“I’m more bothered by the fact that the LotR characters just accept this bizarre explanation and go merrily about wherever the fangirls tell them to,” Isaiah admitted.
“It’s the Suespell,” Mara told him. “They’re in a kind of trance. The Sues are using the canonicals like their own personal fingerpuppets.”
“Ah, as a GAFF boarder once said: Original characters exist to serve the story. Mary Sues exist to have the story serve them. Ye gods, now what?”
“Lets play spin the bottle,” Kasey suggested, her eyes glittering. We explained to the guys how to play it. You had to choose either, truth, dare or double dare. I spun the bottle first and it landed on Keira.
“And they AGREED to such a notion?”
She spun the bottle and it landed on Aragorn.
“Uh, truth,” he said.
“How old are you?” she asked him.
“27,” he answered. (A/N: I know Aragorn’s like 80 or something, but in this story, I’m making him young.)
“Making Aragorn 27. Come now. He doesn’t even look 27, Dúnadan or not. ‘As Frodo drew near he threw back his hood, showing a shaggy head of dark hair flecked with grey...’” Mara quoted from memory.
‘“I am no longer young even in the reckoning of the Men of the Ancient Houses,’” Isaiah cited Aragorn.
The bottle landed next on Kasey, who took a dare. Sam dared her to “play kissy-kissy with leggy, full on,” non-capitalization included. Additionally, the agents began to wonder if any Suethor at all knew that commas and not periods went before end quotations unless the author was beginning a new thought.
“GAGH!” Isaiah gagged.
Mara glanced at Isaiah oddly. “I’ve never heard that exclamation before.”
“Well, in Star Trek canon it’s a Klingon delicacy,” he explained. “Worms, doncha know. Whoa, hold on, it’s Kasey’s point of view now! I told you we should have opened a portal.”
Legolas kissed the Sue, while the CAD began beeping out the Lament for Gandalf. Isaiah was informed that Legolas’s lips tasted like honey, a fact that he believed he could have lived without knowing. The couple’s tongues touching gave the kiss meaning.
“I’m sure that without tongues, a kiss is meaningless. Next fic.” Isaiah moved to get away.
Mara yanked him back by his backpack.
Shaking her head, she fiddled with the rope from her pack.
It was Rúmil’s turn to kiss Shandell, while Aragorn sat there looking creepy. The kiss lasted for a full minute.
“That’s IT.” Isaiah was vainly trying to shoo away the images that played across his vision. “I can’t take this. Character corruption, I can handle. Sue romance, I can stomach. Mostly. But this-this utter mind control-is just cruel.”
“And sick,” Mara supplied, deftly letting a skein of rope dangle on the ground. She nudged Isaiah toward it as she gave him a hard pat on the shoulder. Isaiah turned away as Haldir kissed Sam as part of a dare. There was a brief reprieve as everyone agreed to go to sleep, but the agents’ expressions soured as they found out that the canonicals had brought PJs.
The agents decided that that was enough. They got out their sleeping bags and slept through the rest of Kasey’s point of view, and when they woke up, disoriented and Suesick, Rachel was the one narrating. She tossed and turned in her sleep, Elladan in her thoughts.
I kept thinking about Elladan. Oh my god! He was just soooo perfect! Perfect hair, perfect eyes, perfection simplified!
“Perfection simplified?” Mara let out an uncharacteristic chortle as the Sue’s dream-vision of Elladan was replaced with a two-dimensional, simplistic rendering of the Elf. “Personified, I should think. Also,” and her expression sobered, “you just made Elladan into a Marty Stu. And while listing his perfect qualities, you didn’t specify anything about personality. Bookie or not, I dub thee double the Fangirl!Sue of most fanfics.” She glanced at her partner, who was staggering about, clutching his head. “Oh, dear. Hang in there, Isaiah.”
And the way he was looking at me! I’ll never be able to get his face out of my mind. Why couldn’t he sleep with me? Ok, that sounded wrong, I’ll say that again. I wanted him to sleep in my bed with me, but not ‘do’ anything. (yet).
At the word “yet”, Isaiah panicked. He wasn’t sure what came over him. He just knew that he was suffocating under background squeals, slurpy sounds, and grinning fangirls.
He bolted.
Mara shook his head. “I was afraid this might happen.” She held the rope firmly, and the noose she had formed tightened around Isaiah’s ankle. He got maybe five paces when-
“Oof!”
He stumbled and fell to the ground. Mara mercilessly reeled him in.
“Can’t go yet. We’re not done.”
“No. NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can’t do it! Please, Mara, let’s just kill--”
“Not enough charges.”
“Let me go!” Isaiah tried to free his leg, but it was no use. His only weapon, his mace, couldn’t cut through rope.
They had attracted the attention of the half-awake fangirl, who became wide awake in an instant.
“Sam!” Rachel screamed. “Keira! Come see this!”
The two came running. They stopped and Rachel whispered to them, “They just appeared out of nowhere.” The two gave the agents a once-over.
Immediately, Mara schooled her face into a cheerful, vapid grin. “Hi, sorry to bother you,” she said. “I’m Mara. I’m staying with your neighbor across the street. I think your character accidentally got tangled up with mine.”
“Wha...” Isaiah began, getting to his feet.
Mara elbowed him in the stomach, and he lost his balance again.
“What character is he?” The girls were definitely more interested in Isaiah than in Mara.
“Oh, no one.” Mara winked. “He’s-er-Eldamarin. A young warrior who rescues...er, strong characters...from the clutches of…harpies,” she finished, remembering her visit with Captain Jack.
“What’s a harpy?” Sam wanted to know.
“Spirits who play harps and cause people to fall under their spell,” Mara invented, tacking on an “Oh my God!” for good measure.
The Sues accepted this ridiculous explanation without a second thought.
“I wished him into my world, too,” Mara giggled. It wasn’t a very good giggle. She hadn’t had much practice. “Well, off to see...er...Troy, now.”
“Troy!” gasped the girls, and before long, the fangirl friends had gotten so caught up in the discussion that they were nearly in a frenzy.
Mara’s thumb edged toward the remote activator button.
“What did you think of Prince Paris?” asked one of them.
Mara opened a portal.
“He was a villain and a seducer, not worthy of his older brother. I bid you good-day, you slimy fluffbunnies.”
Flash!
The agents were gone.
While Mara and Isaiah hid themselves in a broom closet for the next scene, Rachel conveniently decided to take a shower. At that exact moment, Elladan conveniently walked up to the bathroom door alongside her. He courteously told her that she could go first, and the Canon Analysis Device hushed for a moment. It was then that Rachel realized that she hadn’t brought any clothes with her. Conveniently.
“I’m growing tired of seeing Lady Contrivance at her antics over and over again during PPCing,” Isaiah said between his teeth. Though his words came out muddled, Mara nodded in agreement.
“Ah, just for you, Isaiah, here comes more contrivance. Close your eyes.”
“Again?” Isaiah asked in disbelief.
“If you’re a gentleman.”
Isaiah shut his eyes.
The Sue, wearing only a towel, opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. All of a sudden, she bumped into Elladan. Mara and Isaiah stopped their ears as a Sue-screech rent the air. Lady Contrivance had stepped on Rachel’s towel while in the midst of balancing on her pinky finger, and-oh, the shock-Mary Sue was left stark naked in front of her lust object. Shamefaced, she scampered to her room, locked the door, and changed into an eyesore of an outfit. Isaiah was glad he hadn’t seen the Sue in her birthday suit, but he wasn’t sure if denim jeans, a hot-pink halter top, and black wedges were much of an improvement.
“Eaugh!” It was Mara, trying to envision how in the world Mary Sue was going to impress an Elf from Middle Earth with that outfit.
I walked out of my room, pass Elladan, who was watching me, and proceeded to walk down the stairs.
“PASSED Elladan, dummy.” Glancing at the Words, Mara realized that the horrible Sue scream was going to take place again. She frantically dug into the bottom of her bag and pulled out two pairs of earmuffs.
I tried to look ‘cool’, but unfortunately, I was WAY out of league. Me being me, I tripped and went flying headfirst down the stairs, hitting my head hard. I screamed in embarrassment and frustration and Elladan was by my side in a minute.
The Glopsnerch earmuffs, specially made by PPCer Jon for the purpose of blocking out Sue-song and screams, preserved the agents’ hearing, at least temporarily. A keen-eared Elf, however, would have been severely traumatized by the scream. An in character one, anyway.
The Sue looked into Elladan’s deep brown eyes, despite the fact that Tolkien described Elladan as having grey eyes. The ecstatic fangirl expostulated on Elladan’s lips as the two kissed but she was happily interrupted. Isaiah had taken the precaution of shielding his eyes beforehand.
“Is it over?” he wanted to know.
“Yes. Just avoid looking at the stilettos that Allyson has on. She’s the one that interrupted the two.”
“Oh, my…you know, maybe I should just have my eyes shut for the entire fic.”
Mara didn’t answer, but instead hurriedly replaced her earmuffs as Allyson bumped headfirst into a wall and gave off a Sue-shriek. Oh-so-fortunately, Haldir helped her up.
“I’m feeling a strong urge to regurgitate. You?”
Mara’s face clouded as she searched the Words ahead. “If only this were the end of it.”
No sooner had she spoken than a crash was heard downstairs. Only the agents were privy to the giant “rrrip” of space/time that accompanied it. A large tear had appeared in the plot continuum.
The agents opened the closet door a little wider. The girls and LotR characters trooped down the hall to see Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin standing there and looking rather befuddled.
Isaiah gazed, horrified, at the scene. “Not the hobbits, too?!”
A second later, their countenances showed even more confusion as the Sue spell took hold. Never mind that hobbits were usually wary of Big Folk, especially strangers-and then there was the fact that three of the members of the Fellowship, a son of Elrond, and two perilous Elves of Lórien were standing there with soppy grins on their faces and aiming dim gazes of adoration at these strangely dressed young women.
“To the Sea, to the Sea!” Isaiah whispered dramatically as the girls planned a beach visit.
Recognition dawned on Mara. “Thanks, Isaiah!” She backslapped him. “You’ve reminded me that Legolas should NEVER approach the Sea. Not only did Lady Galadriel warn him against it, but he lamented that he had heard gulls crying and could not be perfectly content in Middle Earth again.”
The Sues decided to set up a volleyball court and have a game-girls against boys. Mara’s entire body convulsed with laughter at the notion of fangirls playing against Fellowship members-but she stopped laughing when she saw the game they REALLY played.
But it was a pretty good game, especially as WE WON! Like, finally someone actually beat the guys at something!
“Mara?”
A terse nod.
“Why are the fangirls winning against a Ranger of the North, a military leader of Gondor, a prince of Mirkwood, and three ageless Elven warriors?”
Mara pointed to just behind the male side.
“Lord Implausibility is taking pot shots at the canonicals with his BB Gun of Doom. Point blank. They don’t stand a chance.”
Causing several warriors to be defeated by a bunch of brainless invertebrates of the female persuasion, Isaiah charged as he watched Lord Implausibility with interest. It was his first ostentatious appearance. He looked extremely pompous, but was decked out in a pink jester’s suit with bright green polka dots. It hurt to look at Lord Implausibility, but Isaiah supposed that was the idea.
Anyways, we splashed around and then me and Haldir went for a walk and talked about a lot of things. Then, I slipped on the rocks, but Haldir caught me before I fell over. We looked at each other as he helped me up, never breaking eye contact. Then, we kissed.
There came the quiet sound of vomiting off to one side.
The agents decided to skip the rest of the nauseating kissing scene and opted for portalling directly to the house and growling at the canonicals staring woodenly at a TV screen. They looked like they had undergone hypnosis. Mara nudged Isaiah and gave him the “get ready” look as Keira and Shandell got “evil glints” in their eyes.
“Oh my god! What the hell did you do to them?” Rachel asked, looking horrified.
“That’s what I’d like to know,” Isaiah muttered. “Where were you thinking of ending, Mara?”
The agent hefted her scimitar. “Next to another beautiful author’s note.”
As a new chapter began, a voice boomed from above.
“I don’t any of Tolkien’s characters, and that includes Legolas! Wait a minute...” *gets an idea* “...maybe I can steal him...” the author mused.
Legolas stood there, defiant, before her. “You will do no such thing.”
“That’s what you think!” the author retorted, brandishing a coil of rope and walking towards the petrified Elf.
“Noooooo............” Legolas wailed, dragging several helpless periods along for the ride.
Something moved in the shadows. A mace appeared, snagging the rope from the inserted author.
“Thanks,” said Isaiah, grinning ferociously.
Mara emerged from the darkness. She held the author’s gaze. “We don’t attack authors, you lucky insertion. However, we do pay attention when someone is not following the proper disclaimer. You are supposed to state, completely and unequivocally, that you do NOT own ANY of the characters or storyline to the Lord of the Rings. That means no, ‘Except Leggy!’ or ‘Wait a minute!’ or ‘In my dreams, I do, hehehe!’ Not having a proper disclaimer will get you yanked from fanfiction.net. You’re lucky we’re not reporting you. We’ll just rescue Legolas and do away with your OCs, if you don’t mind.”
“Hey. HEY!” cried the author as Mara began slicing through Legolas’s bonds. Isaiah stationed himself between Mara and the author-insertion and held his ground.
The Elf shrugged off the ropes and faced the author, a grim look on his face.
“Legolas,” Mara whispered. “Don’t harm her. We’ll see if she can’t be sent to OFUM, instead.”
“OFUM?” He stared hard at her. “Who are you?”
Mara began elaborating on the university and the PPC. Isaiah left the author sputtering in indignation and took a hold of Mara’s left arm and Legolas’s right.
“Portal-to the Sues!”
The Elf gave an exclamation of dismay.
“Don’t worry,” Isaiah reassured him. “They have no power over you, now.”
They sneaked back into the room where the fangirls held their captives prisoner. Isaiah whispered a fiendishly vengeful plan to Mara. He then guided Legolas to the front hallway, the Elf reluctantly following along. It was better than being left with the hypnotic Mary Sues.
“Ahem.” Mara cleared her throat to get the girls’ attention.
They all turned towards her.
She grinned. “Was that Orlando Bloom that I just saw pop out of nowhere and come this w-”
Before she finished her sentence, the girls had leapt off of the couch and pelted toward the foyer. Isaiah swung his mace with something less than practiced ease, but still managed to knock most of the fangirls out before they had realized what had happened. Mara came up behind the Sues, clunking one on the back of the head with her scimitar hilt.
“If you’d like to help, please assemble the rest of the Fellowship…and the other Elves, Prince Legolas,” she said.
He folded his arms across his chest. “Why should I trust you?”
“Er…” Isaiah glanced at Mara, but she had already whipped out her sunglasses.
The male agent nodded. “I’ll follow you.” He activated a portal and shoved the Sues, one by one, through the temporary doorway.
Flash!
Legolas blinked several times. Mara ran up the stairs and neuralised the rest of the Middle Earth characters before the house, with the Sues gone, shimmered into plothole oblivion and instead became the woods of Lothlórien, the only place that all of those abducted would logically be together. Bleeprin was freely distributed, and Isaiah came back to collect Mara and transfer her to the current location of the Sues.
“The place you are keeping them is…”
“The Old Forest,” Isaiah answered promptly. “Don’t worry. They’re just beginning to revive.”
Rachel the Sue opened one beautiful eye and stared up at the girl and guy dressed in black.
“Where’s Leggy?” was the first question out of her mouth.
The young man looked at her grimly. “A long way from here. By the way, you and your friends are charged with being atrocious Mary Sues, abducting several Fellowship members and three Elves and bringing them to your home through a plothole, having them wear PJs, putting denizens of Middle Earth under hypnotic, Sueish mind control that allowed them to be interested in you, make out with you, lose a volleyball game to you, and, most sickeningly, making them enjoy modern fast food…excessive contrivance, fangirl-speech, in-text author’s notes, bashing Arwen, causing hardened warriors to be scared of household appliances, making Aragorn 27, and using the word ‘kiss’ and its variations a total of 38 times within 28 pages. For this and many other things, you are condemned to your own, very special, comeuppance. Have fun.”
All of the girls were wide awake now, and were glancing nervously at each other when Mara unleashed her diatribe on them, especially on Keira.
“Aragorn did not spend 68 years with love unrequited, heart heavy with Arwen’s doom, for him to get snatched, bewitched, and coerced into throwing it all away for you! He is the Dúnadan, Elessar, King of Gondor and Arnor, by worth as well as by birthright! You’re a stranger, an immature teenage girl who wants Aragorn to be her digitally enhanced action standee! You read the books! You must know what Arwen means to Aragorn. You complain about Haldir getting killed off in the movies, and yet you proceed to lay waste to the Lord of the Rings canon in a way undreamt of by PJ, Bakshi, or the Harvard Lampoon! Die. Just die, you smarmy Sues.”
“But-what-”
The agents vanished, leaving the fangirls in the middle of a dark, brooding wood.
One of them had a flash of inspiration. “I know! This must be Mirkwood!”
“Legolas!” The girls delightedly came to the wrong conclusion.
“Let’s go find him!”
While watching the Sues trek through the forest, Isaiah took several deep breaths in order to curb his temper. As the agents had known it would, the forest closed in almost imperceptibly on the Mary Sues, shepherding them steadily into its heart. The girls gradually realized that they were in trouble, but it was impossible for them to navigate their way out. An ominous outside force gradually pressed them into blundering on in the opposite direction that they wished--not unlike what they had forced the canon characters to undergo.
The agents whiled away the time merrily, testing their CADs and sharpening their weapons and taking the occasional nap, until the girls arrived at a stream and crossed the path of a twisted old tree. Its already bad mood rankled as it saw the girls tramping by it.
Suddenly, they seemed to slow down. The Sues’ limbs moved sluggishly, as if they were in a trance…not unlike Keira’s ability to draw Aragorn in with her eyes. Keira yawned three times in a row. Kasey merely slumped to the ground.
“What’s…happening?” grunted Shandell.
“I dunno…sleepy…like in the book where the tree…what’s it called…”
“Yeah, like…the old willow guy, or somethi-AAAH!” Sam tripped and lay sprawled beneath a sizeable tree root. Before she could move, a second gnarled arm caught her waist and started pulling her under.
Old Man Willow was having a considerable amount of fun with this group of Sues. It was quite a challenge, pinning them all at once while they tried to flee, waiting until they got too sleepy to resist, then slowly crushing them deeper into his clutches. The agents stood by to watch, disguised as shrubs-a new one for Mara and Isaiah. The sense of shaking in the wind and of being a part of the massive consciousness of the forest nearly spoiled the fun of seeing the Sues go under the tree, being digested and worked inward. Nearly.
When all of the Sues had been pulled inexorably inside, they began to shriek frantically, filling the air with muffled Valley speak exclamations, which seemed to irritate the tree even more. It was too late, for them, anyway. The last pair of legs thrashed about frantically for a few seconds, and then all was quiet. The agents sank into the muddy earth at their roots and basked in the warm glow of poetic justice. Isaiah carefully tapped two of his branches together. One of the branches had the remote activator bound to it with some twine from Mara’s sizeable backpack. A portal appeared, and Mara and Isaiah slipped out of their disguises as they found themselves in Headquarters.
Only then did Isaiah realize that his hands were shaking.
“Some fic, huh?” He looked at his shoes, not knowing what else to say. He felt Mara give him a gentle pat on the shoulder before heading to the cafeteria for a coffee pick-me-up.
Isaiah trudged back to his quarters, still in somewhat of a daze. He was glad that the Sues had met-
Flash!
I luuuuuv LotR!
Perfection simplified!
Like, oh my God!
The traumatic memory flashed before his eyes. Those idiotic, drooling, squealing-
Isaiah muttered an expletive and pounded his fists against his head.
It was time to face facts. The Lord of the Rings fandom was just bad news. In every possible way.
Then the console erased the problem of flashbacks with its memory-wiping shrill.
Grateful for the distraction, he banged on the computer to stop it from beeping.
“Jack’s next One True Love, here I come.”
The End
Continue to Mission 6
_______________________________________________________________
Author’s Note: I think, with the help of Laih and Starfish of Elves, that I have managed to debunk the assumption that fangirls who have only seen the movies are automatically worse than the ones who have read the books. Both this fic and the last LotR fic had some of the worst canon violation I’ve ever seen. And how hypocritical can you get? “Stupid Peter Jackson, killing Haldir at Helm’s Deep, but, hey, I’m making Aragorn 27, nixing his relationship with Arwen, and bringing him to live with me! Whee!”
* * *
And now, I go back to my PotC PPCing. The PotC fandom is somewhat cleaner than when I left it, being bereft of its "You" Sues. Oh, so sad. For anyone else involved in the PotC fandom, I'd like to jump-start the anti-Sue movement again. PotCsues hasn't made an appearance in months, and I don't think she's answering her e-mail. That was the journal that kept a lot of funny, bright people together and allowed people like Wolfychan and me to plug our Sue-mocking efforts. Sueslaps has also fallen by the wayside a bit. I'd be willing to lend a hand, if need be. Is there anyone interested in, say, a PotC anti-Sue community? The reports could come faster without just one or two people having to maintain them. We all have busy times in our lives, so this might be a little easier to keep going.
Just wondering
~Araeph
Department of Technical Errors
Laih: here, at long last, is the PPCing of the fic you requested after winning the "Guess the Age of the Suethor" contest. Everyone else: it is a fangirl-heavy fic. You have been warned.
“Shut your eyes, Isaiah.”
“Any particular reason? The console just beeped, Mara. I was finishing my breakfast and didn’t have time to look at the next mission.”
“All the better.”
Silence.
“Oh, fine. Just don’t let me bang into anything.”
“Won’t be a problem. We’re going through the portal.”
Whoosh!
“Out of curiosity, what’s the title of this fic?”
“Love Struck.”
More silence.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything except for Legolas. He’s MINE! All mine! My friend is trying to steal him from me, but she won’t get him! He’s my precioussss.........
“She owns what now?” Isaiah asked incredulously. The agents were disguised as…nothing, really, since the setting was 21st century Earth. “The author didn’t actually say that, did she?”
“’Fraid so,” Mara admitted. “And here comes the author’s note.”
“Are we really supposed to PPC author’s notes?”
“No, but it comes after the disclaimer, which is PPC-worthy because the author claims to own Legolas.” Mara rolled her eyes.
***POV: Kasey***
Hello everyone! My names Kasey and I LUV LOTR! More than anything in the world, except for my friends (flatmates). We’re all obsessed with lotr and anything to do with it. Even Sam admits that Boromir is HOT! (flames!) Oh, and of course I am totally and completely head-over-heels in lurv with the one and only: LEGOLAS GREENLEAF! Like, OH MY GOD! Hotness perfected! i.e: so hot you need sunglasses to look at him. But before I get into this oh-so- cool story, I better tell you about us all.
“Mommy...” Isaiah felt his knees weaken. “Just how long is this fic?”
“Sh!”
As you already know, I’m Kasey. I have dark blonde hair (which is just past my shoulders) and green/grey eyes. I guess you could say I’m pretty outgoing and very loud! I live for talking and I can’t stand silence!
“Let’s just hope her Sue isn’t as talkative as she is.”
The author went on to describe her best friend, Samantha. According to Kasey, Samantha was “real tough,” “very stubborn”, “totally gorgeous [with] very long wavy chocolate-coloured hair and the most amazing brown eyes” and of the opinion that Boromir was “the hottest thing alive.” Isaiah wondered what this had to do with the story, but Mara had already guessed its significance. Confirming her suspicions, the author moved on to describing yet another friend-Shandell, who had a personality similar to Kasey’s, except that she had a fondness for partying and had sandy brown hair with hazel eyes.
“What in Arda...why is she going on and on about her friends?” Isaiah frowned.
“That’s her version of character development, Isaiah.”
“What? This isn’t a story-there’s no plot, no nothing! It’s just a list of teenage girls!”
Tentatively, Mara explained to Isaiah, “These girls are going to be fictionalized as part of the story.”
Isaiah’s mouth opened. “That can’t be right!” he said finally. “No, she just hasn’t moved onto the story yet. Look, there’s no space break, nothing to delineate the beginning of the fic. Let’s hope that this is an unusually long author’s note.”
Mara had never seen her partner in quite this much denial.
There were three more descriptions to go: Keira, Shandell’s best friend who was equipped with a sense of humor, overactive hormones, and “elbow length auburn coloured hair and dark blue eyes.”
“It’s she and Shandell, not her and Shandell!” Isaiah interrupted vehemently. “You wouldn’t say, ‘Her is totally boy-crazy.’ So why would you say that ‘her and Shandell’ are?”
The scratching of his quill was broken off (as was the tip of the pen) when the male agent heard Gollum referred to as “anorexic psycho freak.” His anger carried him through the descriptions of “easy-going”, “great sense of humor” “very pretty” “ultra-gorgeous and cool” Allyson and “quiet” “good listener” “ultra-pretty” Rachel.
“Don’t these girls have any flaws?” Isaiah wondered to himself.
Mara cleared her throat and Isaiah realized that she had been right. He had been listening to the description of future Sues.
Well, that’s everyone and now I’ll continue on with the story.
“WHAT FREAKING STORY?!” Isaiah bellowed as the scene shifted. The narrator was kind enough to tell the agents that it was Sam’s point of view.
“If only this were Samwise,” Mara groused.
Tears poured down Allyson’s face. I rolled my eyes. She was turning into a waterfall.
FWOOOOSSSSH!
The first thing the agents saw was Allyson turning a dark blue, with her feet dissolving into foam and her hair becoming drenched. There was no introduction to the story-the location hadn’t been described, though Sam was there in first person. Meanwhile, Allyson was whining about how Haldir got killed off in The Two Towers, movie version.
“Can’t they go by the freakin’ book?” she complained.
“She read the books! Yesss! Oh, wait.” Isaiah contemplated for a moment. “The last one read the books, too.”
Samantha suddenly told off Sue Number One for whining and announced that she was going off to read fanfiction.
“What exactly is your problem, Sam?” asked Keira.
The agents jerked backwards as Keira popped out of thin air.
“Don’t you just love description?” Mara said sarcastically as the fangirls had an argument for no apparent reason. From somewhere, a voice told Sam and Keira to break it up. The agents soon found out it was Kasey. The hard way.
POP! Kasey, like Keira, appeared out of nowhere.
“Not ANOTHER one!”
Mara blinked several times. “This is most disturbing.”
While Sam!Sue was busy reading her favorite fanfic, she scrolled down the page and found, horror of horrors, that there was “a slash” between Legolas and Haldir.
“Ew,” I muttered.
“A slash story, you mean?” Isaiah demanded.
Three-dimensional images of Legolas and Haldir materialized in front of the agents. There was a giant slash between them.
“What do you reckon would be worse, Mara? A Legolas/Haldir fic or a Suefic?”
“It depends,” answered Mara. “It really does. Oh, Isaiah? Steady on your feet. There’s a lot of gratuitous POV-shifting.”
Instead of readying himself for the inevitable shift, Isaiah grabbed Mara by the elbow and clicked his portal button. Mara, startled, was shoved through the portal.
“What’d you do that for?” she asked.
“Preservation of our mental stability. What’s left of it, anyway,” Isaiah responded complacently. “We shifted right past Keira’s point of view. The only thing we missed was Allyson saying, “I wish Haldir were here, he is sooo HOT!” and the chiming in of all of the fangirls about the hotness of their respective L.O.s before they go to sleep. Watch your footing, now. We’re coming out at Kasey’s point of view.”
The fangirl woke up early and tried to get back to sleep, but for some reason, she couldn’t. Deciding at last to have breakfast, she went downstairs and found, to her surprise, several characters from the book standing in her house. The agents observed the scene from a rather uncomfortable cupboard-under-the-stairs.
“Ah, conjuration-Sue! We meet again.”
Mara looked out from behind the stairwell. “Who are the victims this time?”
“Legolas, Haldir, Rúmil, Elladan, Aragorn and Boromir,” Isaiah answered matter-of-factly. “I wonder if she made a checklist of all of the ‘hott’ guys in LotR and brought them all here.”
“Excuse us, mi’lady, but do you know where we are?” asked Aragorn.
“Mi’lady?” Isaiah shook his head while Sam came down the stairs and uttered the second of the eight “Oh my God”s in the story.
The rest of the girls came downstairs and gaped in shock for a while. Keira annoyingly informed the canonicals of their names, whereupon the canon characters stared back at them.
“Well, isn’t this mesmerizing.”
“Uh, Keira, I think you just scared the hell out of them!” Shandell said.
“Now they’ll probably mistake us for evil dudes,” muttered Rachel.
“What mistake?” snapped Mara.
Boromir asked if the young ladies were in league with Sauron. Mara nodded her head emphatically, but Isaiah pointed out that he doubted that the Dark Lord would bother with such idiotic teenagers. The fangirls, of course, denied it.
“Do you honestly think that we’d worship some evil demon guy who’s obsessed with an evil ring? Like, get real!”
“They...they do Sweet Valley speak! I’m outta here!” Isaiah tried to bolt, but Mara grabbed his shirt collar and stopped him.
“You do not have to worship Sauron to serve his purposes,” Mara clarified, still preventing her partner from fleeing. “He’s not a demon, either-a Balrog is a demon. Charge her, if you please.”
Isaiah noted that offense just as Aragorn said in dire tones that the Ring had been destroyed, but Saruman remained.
“Hunh?” Isaiah looked confused.
“Well, technically Saruman did outlast the Dark Lord,” Mara pointed out. “But Aragorn acts like Sharky was a threat to the characters here. He wasn’t. Oh, and you fangirls did NOT just call him ‘the ugly dude with the weird fingernails.’” Mara stuck her fingers in her ears and pretended she hadn’t heard that.
Isaiah comforted her by saying loudly, “If the canon Saruman were here...”
Mara took her fingers out of her ears and began imagining the consequences of that.
“Let’s see what else we can get these beauties for. Bringing Boromir back from the dead. Causing Aragorn to use bad grammar. Explaining to the canonicals that they’re in the year 2004 in Australia and that they’re all fictional characters, and having the canonicals understand what they’re talking about.”
“2004 would mean nothing to them,” Isaiah agreed, “since they don’t know what Age it is.”
Legolas demanded proof, so Sam held up The Fellowship of the Ring.
She opened up to a page and they’re names were printed there.
“It is unbelievable,” whispered Rumil. “I can not believe it.”
“Department of Redundancy Department?” Isaiah called the department on his communicator. “Hello and greetings. I’m reporting that one, I repeat, a single case of redundancy, that is, unnecessary repetition, has been found, that is, encountered, in a badfic.” He shook his head. “Hate reporting to those guys.”
“And do we really need another recitation from the Great Goddess Bast as to the difference between their, they’re and there?” Mara asked rhetorically.
“Well, there’s your proof,” I said.
“Proof that they’re characters in a book?” Mara was skeptical. “I think not. It just proves that their names are written down. As important as they are, I don’t think they’d find that overmuch out of the ordinary. This being Suefic, however, the canonicals will believe them. And, conveniently, not only is there no explanation for how the canonicals arrived, but there seems to be no way of sending them back.”
Keira-Sue added that they could stay for as long as they liked. Aragorn said, “Thankyou” and Keira nearly fainted.
“Erasing spaces. Causing Aragorn to be perfectly happy with the idea of remaining in a foreign locale with complete strangers.”
Stuff Arwen, she thought.
Mara hissed. “You will pay for that as well, I promise you.”
The fangirls introduced themselves-not that this helped Mara and Isaiah keep any of them straight, despite the generous non-narrative description they had had beforehand. Details about hair, beauty, and interests don’t make characters any more distinguishable if the author isn’t capable of infusing those characters with actual personalities. Any one fangirl could take any other fangirl’s lines, and no one would know the difference.
These reflections helped the PPC agents remain sane while Elladan and Rachel were hypnotized by each other’s good looks.
“Elladan? AGAIN? No. Nonononononononono. Not. Going. To. Put. Up. With. Second. Elladan. Sue. Ever.” Isaiah closed his eyes and creased his forehead repeatedly. Mara had to avoid him accidentally slugging her with a practice swing of his mace.
Shandell was smiling at Rumil, he was practically melting!
“Time to get the CAD out, I sense,” Mara said immediately, trying her best to ignore the puddle of Rúmil at Shandell’s feet.
“What, would you like it to explode again?” But Isaiah turned on the CAD to the lowest volume possible. The result was the readout screen swirling around in dazzlingly bright colors and the CAD giving off its monotone shriek with steam pouring out of it. The girls and canon characters drove off in Sam’s convertible on the Über-Interesting quest-the only one so far in this fanfic-for a “burger thingy” for the canonicals to eat. On the way, Keira asked Sam how the LotR characters might have gotten to Earth.
“Who knows? They could’ve of just appeared here or popped out of a poster.”
“I think ‘plothole’ is the term you’re looking for,” Mara said severely. “Ooh, don’t try to tell us that the canonicals won’t be able to return anytime soon, because we’ll pile on the charges and make your future torment worse than we’ve planned it.”
“Meanwhile, goodness knows what’s transpiring in Middle Earth while the canonicals are gone,” Isaiah added bitterly. “Am I the only one who gets tired of these Sues who think that they can waltz into the story and hijack the canon characters and NOTHING important will happen while the girls romance their L.O.s? A little responsibility would be nice. Or at least a little FORETHOUGHT. That way, they might be able to avoid the total idiocy of sending elves to archery lessons and the men to horseback riding lessons to keep them occupied!”
“Do the girls think they’d NEED them?” bellowed Mara. “By the Valar. The canonicals could teach the instructors a thing or two.”
“Where will they sleep?”
“With us?”
“Good idea, Sam.”
Isaiah made a pummeling motion.
“So, what do you predict for these Sues’ ends?” Mara inquired conversationally.
“Doom.” Isaiah took another practice swing with his mace. “DOOM DOOM DOOM! And then some!
“With a nice dash of pain and confusion!” he added as he noticed that Chapter Two’s title was “LUVLAND.”
Disclaimer: They took Leggy away from me! So nothing belongs to me! (Except my clothes, shoes, bedroom......)
“Shut. UP!” Mara snarled, losing her temper at the godlike voice emanating from somewhere upwards. Isaiah quickly grasped the side of the convertible with one hand and Mara with the other and held on as the point of view shifted to Shandell.
“So, here I was, just standing there, gaping in shock at the guys. All six of em’,” Shandell announced proudly.
Mara marked down a typo previously unfamiliar to her: “em’” instead of “’em.” She didn’t even need to lift her pen from charge to charge as Shandell’s smile caused Rúmil to blush.
Isaiah gawked, open mouthed. “He blushed.” His CAD flashed red and began beeping loudly.
“He blushed. Don’t act so surprised,” Mara chided him. “Sues can put a blush on the cheeks of Captain Jack Sparrow. I’ve seen it happen. Tone that thing down, will you?”
“Don’t tell me that you actually want to hear this dialogue,” Isaiah returned, setting the CAD on “mute.”
Rachel then opted for showing the canonicals some modern technology. The television apparently “scared the hell out of them,” as did the stereo and the kitchen devices.
Causing hardened warriors to be scared of household appliances, wrote Mara.
Multiple times, added Isaiah after checking Mara’s charge list.
We tried our best not to laugh as Keira explained to them how to use the toilet. Then Sam and Kasey came back. We ate our meal and the guys actually enjoyed it!
“They enjoyed burgers.” Mara raised an eyebrow at the scene.
Isaiah rolled his eyes. “After all of that royal cuisine, I’m sure the lords of Middle Earth couldn’t wait to try semi-processed cheese product.” His nostrils flared in annoyance at the continuation of uneventful happenings in a boring, boring story. The fic read like a second grader’s recitation of “What I Did Today,” only with several canon characters tagging along for no good reason. It vexed him to no end that, although the fangirls went through the trouble of bringing their lust objects to the 21st century, Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir et. al weren’t seen talking, developing character, or doing anything other than keeping the girls company. They might as well have been replaced with My Size Ken dolls, for all they really contributed.
Of course, the fangirls themselves contributed even less to the fic, sapping it of its vitality and cutting it free from any moorings it had in the original Lord of the Rings story. But that was to be expected.
Isaiah covered his mouth to stifle a yawn. “Seen it so many times before,” he said. “Portal. Please?” he begged Mara.
“Watch a minute more,” she admonished. “There’s something that just has to be said. Like many others of their ilk, the fangirls trot out the movies and subject the canon characters to them. As in many other Suefics, the canon characters are shocked by this. Why, then, does no one ask about anything or question why the movie and book stories don’t match up?”
“I’m more bothered by the fact that the LotR characters just accept this bizarre explanation and go merrily about wherever the fangirls tell them to,” Isaiah admitted.
“It’s the Suespell,” Mara told him. “They’re in a kind of trance. The Sues are using the canonicals like their own personal fingerpuppets.”
“Ah, as a GAFF boarder once said: Original characters exist to serve the story. Mary Sues exist to have the story serve them. Ye gods, now what?”
“Lets play spin the bottle,” Kasey suggested, her eyes glittering. We explained to the guys how to play it. You had to choose either, truth, dare or double dare. I spun the bottle first and it landed on Keira.
“And they AGREED to such a notion?”
She spun the bottle and it landed on Aragorn.
“Uh, truth,” he said.
“How old are you?” she asked him.
“27,” he answered. (A/N: I know Aragorn’s like 80 or something, but in this story, I’m making him young.)
“Making Aragorn 27. Come now. He doesn’t even look 27, Dúnadan or not. ‘As Frodo drew near he threw back his hood, showing a shaggy head of dark hair flecked with grey...’” Mara quoted from memory.
‘“I am no longer young even in the reckoning of the Men of the Ancient Houses,’” Isaiah cited Aragorn.
The bottle landed next on Kasey, who took a dare. Sam dared her to “play kissy-kissy with leggy, full on,” non-capitalization included. Additionally, the agents began to wonder if any Suethor at all knew that commas and not periods went before end quotations unless the author was beginning a new thought.
“GAGH!” Isaiah gagged.
Mara glanced at Isaiah oddly. “I’ve never heard that exclamation before.”
“Well, in Star Trek canon it’s a Klingon delicacy,” he explained. “Worms, doncha know. Whoa, hold on, it’s Kasey’s point of view now! I told you we should have opened a portal.”
Legolas kissed the Sue, while the CAD began beeping out the Lament for Gandalf. Isaiah was informed that Legolas’s lips tasted like honey, a fact that he believed he could have lived without knowing. The couple’s tongues touching gave the kiss meaning.
“I’m sure that without tongues, a kiss is meaningless. Next fic.” Isaiah moved to get away.
Mara yanked him back by his backpack.
Shaking her head, she fiddled with the rope from her pack.
It was Rúmil’s turn to kiss Shandell, while Aragorn sat there looking creepy. The kiss lasted for a full minute.
“That’s IT.” Isaiah was vainly trying to shoo away the images that played across his vision. “I can’t take this. Character corruption, I can handle. Sue romance, I can stomach. Mostly. But this-this utter mind control-is just cruel.”
“And sick,” Mara supplied, deftly letting a skein of rope dangle on the ground. She nudged Isaiah toward it as she gave him a hard pat on the shoulder. Isaiah turned away as Haldir kissed Sam as part of a dare. There was a brief reprieve as everyone agreed to go to sleep, but the agents’ expressions soured as they found out that the canonicals had brought PJs.
The agents decided that that was enough. They got out their sleeping bags and slept through the rest of Kasey’s point of view, and when they woke up, disoriented and Suesick, Rachel was the one narrating. She tossed and turned in her sleep, Elladan in her thoughts.
I kept thinking about Elladan. Oh my god! He was just soooo perfect! Perfect hair, perfect eyes, perfection simplified!
“Perfection simplified?” Mara let out an uncharacteristic chortle as the Sue’s dream-vision of Elladan was replaced with a two-dimensional, simplistic rendering of the Elf. “Personified, I should think. Also,” and her expression sobered, “you just made Elladan into a Marty Stu. And while listing his perfect qualities, you didn’t specify anything about personality. Bookie or not, I dub thee double the Fangirl!Sue of most fanfics.” She glanced at her partner, who was staggering about, clutching his head. “Oh, dear. Hang in there, Isaiah.”
And the way he was looking at me! I’ll never be able to get his face out of my mind. Why couldn’t he sleep with me? Ok, that sounded wrong, I’ll say that again. I wanted him to sleep in my bed with me, but not ‘do’ anything. (yet).
At the word “yet”, Isaiah panicked. He wasn’t sure what came over him. He just knew that he was suffocating under background squeals, slurpy sounds, and grinning fangirls.
He bolted.
Mara shook his head. “I was afraid this might happen.” She held the rope firmly, and the noose she had formed tightened around Isaiah’s ankle. He got maybe five paces when-
“Oof!”
He stumbled and fell to the ground. Mara mercilessly reeled him in.
“Can’t go yet. We’re not done.”
“No. NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can’t do it! Please, Mara, let’s just kill--”
“Not enough charges.”
“Let me go!” Isaiah tried to free his leg, but it was no use. His only weapon, his mace, couldn’t cut through rope.
They had attracted the attention of the half-awake fangirl, who became wide awake in an instant.
“Sam!” Rachel screamed. “Keira! Come see this!”
The two came running. They stopped and Rachel whispered to them, “They just appeared out of nowhere.” The two gave the agents a once-over.
Immediately, Mara schooled her face into a cheerful, vapid grin. “Hi, sorry to bother you,” she said. “I’m Mara. I’m staying with your neighbor across the street. I think your character accidentally got tangled up with mine.”
“Wha...” Isaiah began, getting to his feet.
Mara elbowed him in the stomach, and he lost his balance again.
“What character is he?” The girls were definitely more interested in Isaiah than in Mara.
“Oh, no one.” Mara winked. “He’s-er-Eldamarin. A young warrior who rescues...er, strong characters...from the clutches of…harpies,” she finished, remembering her visit with Captain Jack.
“What’s a harpy?” Sam wanted to know.
“Spirits who play harps and cause people to fall under their spell,” Mara invented, tacking on an “Oh my God!” for good measure.
The Sues accepted this ridiculous explanation without a second thought.
“I wished him into my world, too,” Mara giggled. It wasn’t a very good giggle. She hadn’t had much practice. “Well, off to see...er...Troy, now.”
“Troy!” gasped the girls, and before long, the fangirl friends had gotten so caught up in the discussion that they were nearly in a frenzy.
Mara’s thumb edged toward the remote activator button.
“What did you think of Prince Paris?” asked one of them.
Mara opened a portal.
“He was a villain and a seducer, not worthy of his older brother. I bid you good-day, you slimy fluffbunnies.”
Flash!
The agents were gone.
While Mara and Isaiah hid themselves in a broom closet for the next scene, Rachel conveniently decided to take a shower. At that exact moment, Elladan conveniently walked up to the bathroom door alongside her. He courteously told her that she could go first, and the Canon Analysis Device hushed for a moment. It was then that Rachel realized that she hadn’t brought any clothes with her. Conveniently.
“I’m growing tired of seeing Lady Contrivance at her antics over and over again during PPCing,” Isaiah said between his teeth. Though his words came out muddled, Mara nodded in agreement.
“Ah, just for you, Isaiah, here comes more contrivance. Close your eyes.”
“Again?” Isaiah asked in disbelief.
“If you’re a gentleman.”
Isaiah shut his eyes.
The Sue, wearing only a towel, opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. All of a sudden, she bumped into Elladan. Mara and Isaiah stopped their ears as a Sue-screech rent the air. Lady Contrivance had stepped on Rachel’s towel while in the midst of balancing on her pinky finger, and-oh, the shock-Mary Sue was left stark naked in front of her lust object. Shamefaced, she scampered to her room, locked the door, and changed into an eyesore of an outfit. Isaiah was glad he hadn’t seen the Sue in her birthday suit, but he wasn’t sure if denim jeans, a hot-pink halter top, and black wedges were much of an improvement.
“Eaugh!” It was Mara, trying to envision how in the world Mary Sue was going to impress an Elf from Middle Earth with that outfit.
I walked out of my room, pass Elladan, who was watching me, and proceeded to walk down the stairs.
“PASSED Elladan, dummy.” Glancing at the Words, Mara realized that the horrible Sue scream was going to take place again. She frantically dug into the bottom of her bag and pulled out two pairs of earmuffs.
I tried to look ‘cool’, but unfortunately, I was WAY out of league. Me being me, I tripped and went flying headfirst down the stairs, hitting my head hard. I screamed in embarrassment and frustration and Elladan was by my side in a minute.
The Glopsnerch earmuffs, specially made by PPCer Jon for the purpose of blocking out Sue-song and screams, preserved the agents’ hearing, at least temporarily. A keen-eared Elf, however, would have been severely traumatized by the scream. An in character one, anyway.
The Sue looked into Elladan’s deep brown eyes, despite the fact that Tolkien described Elladan as having grey eyes. The ecstatic fangirl expostulated on Elladan’s lips as the two kissed but she was happily interrupted. Isaiah had taken the precaution of shielding his eyes beforehand.
“Is it over?” he wanted to know.
“Yes. Just avoid looking at the stilettos that Allyson has on. She’s the one that interrupted the two.”
“Oh, my…you know, maybe I should just have my eyes shut for the entire fic.”
Mara didn’t answer, but instead hurriedly replaced her earmuffs as Allyson bumped headfirst into a wall and gave off a Sue-shriek. Oh-so-fortunately, Haldir helped her up.
“I’m feeling a strong urge to regurgitate. You?”
Mara’s face clouded as she searched the Words ahead. “If only this were the end of it.”
No sooner had she spoken than a crash was heard downstairs. Only the agents were privy to the giant “rrrip” of space/time that accompanied it. A large tear had appeared in the plot continuum.
The agents opened the closet door a little wider. The girls and LotR characters trooped down the hall to see Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin standing there and looking rather befuddled.
Isaiah gazed, horrified, at the scene. “Not the hobbits, too?!”
A second later, their countenances showed even more confusion as the Sue spell took hold. Never mind that hobbits were usually wary of Big Folk, especially strangers-and then there was the fact that three of the members of the Fellowship, a son of Elrond, and two perilous Elves of Lórien were standing there with soppy grins on their faces and aiming dim gazes of adoration at these strangely dressed young women.
“To the Sea, to the Sea!” Isaiah whispered dramatically as the girls planned a beach visit.
Recognition dawned on Mara. “Thanks, Isaiah!” She backslapped him. “You’ve reminded me that Legolas should NEVER approach the Sea. Not only did Lady Galadriel warn him against it, but he lamented that he had heard gulls crying and could not be perfectly content in Middle Earth again.”
The Sues decided to set up a volleyball court and have a game-girls against boys. Mara’s entire body convulsed with laughter at the notion of fangirls playing against Fellowship members-but she stopped laughing when she saw the game they REALLY played.
But it was a pretty good game, especially as WE WON! Like, finally someone actually beat the guys at something!
“Mara?”
A terse nod.
“Why are the fangirls winning against a Ranger of the North, a military leader of Gondor, a prince of Mirkwood, and three ageless Elven warriors?”
Mara pointed to just behind the male side.
“Lord Implausibility is taking pot shots at the canonicals with his BB Gun of Doom. Point blank. They don’t stand a chance.”
Causing several warriors to be defeated by a bunch of brainless invertebrates of the female persuasion, Isaiah charged as he watched Lord Implausibility with interest. It was his first ostentatious appearance. He looked extremely pompous, but was decked out in a pink jester’s suit with bright green polka dots. It hurt to look at Lord Implausibility, but Isaiah supposed that was the idea.
Anyways, we splashed around and then me and Haldir went for a walk and talked about a lot of things. Then, I slipped on the rocks, but Haldir caught me before I fell over. We looked at each other as he helped me up, never breaking eye contact. Then, we kissed.
There came the quiet sound of vomiting off to one side.
The agents decided to skip the rest of the nauseating kissing scene and opted for portalling directly to the house and growling at the canonicals staring woodenly at a TV screen. They looked like they had undergone hypnosis. Mara nudged Isaiah and gave him the “get ready” look as Keira and Shandell got “evil glints” in their eyes.
“Oh my god! What the hell did you do to them?” Rachel asked, looking horrified.
“That’s what I’d like to know,” Isaiah muttered. “Where were you thinking of ending, Mara?”
The agent hefted her scimitar. “Next to another beautiful author’s note.”
As a new chapter began, a voice boomed from above.
“I don’t any of Tolkien’s characters, and that includes Legolas! Wait a minute...” *gets an idea* “...maybe I can steal him...” the author mused.
Legolas stood there, defiant, before her. “You will do no such thing.”
“That’s what you think!” the author retorted, brandishing a coil of rope and walking towards the petrified Elf.
“Noooooo............” Legolas wailed, dragging several helpless periods along for the ride.
Something moved in the shadows. A mace appeared, snagging the rope from the inserted author.
“Thanks,” said Isaiah, grinning ferociously.
Mara emerged from the darkness. She held the author’s gaze. “We don’t attack authors, you lucky insertion. However, we do pay attention when someone is not following the proper disclaimer. You are supposed to state, completely and unequivocally, that you do NOT own ANY of the characters or storyline to the Lord of the Rings. That means no, ‘Except Leggy!’ or ‘Wait a minute!’ or ‘In my dreams, I do, hehehe!’ Not having a proper disclaimer will get you yanked from fanfiction.net. You’re lucky we’re not reporting you. We’ll just rescue Legolas and do away with your OCs, if you don’t mind.”
“Hey. HEY!” cried the author as Mara began slicing through Legolas’s bonds. Isaiah stationed himself between Mara and the author-insertion and held his ground.
The Elf shrugged off the ropes and faced the author, a grim look on his face.
“Legolas,” Mara whispered. “Don’t harm her. We’ll see if she can’t be sent to OFUM, instead.”
“OFUM?” He stared hard at her. “Who are you?”
Mara began elaborating on the university and the PPC. Isaiah left the author sputtering in indignation and took a hold of Mara’s left arm and Legolas’s right.
“Portal-to the Sues!”
The Elf gave an exclamation of dismay.
“Don’t worry,” Isaiah reassured him. “They have no power over you, now.”
They sneaked back into the room where the fangirls held their captives prisoner. Isaiah whispered a fiendishly vengeful plan to Mara. He then guided Legolas to the front hallway, the Elf reluctantly following along. It was better than being left with the hypnotic Mary Sues.
“Ahem.” Mara cleared her throat to get the girls’ attention.
They all turned towards her.
She grinned. “Was that Orlando Bloom that I just saw pop out of nowhere and come this w-”
Before she finished her sentence, the girls had leapt off of the couch and pelted toward the foyer. Isaiah swung his mace with something less than practiced ease, but still managed to knock most of the fangirls out before they had realized what had happened. Mara came up behind the Sues, clunking one on the back of the head with her scimitar hilt.
“If you’d like to help, please assemble the rest of the Fellowship…and the other Elves, Prince Legolas,” she said.
He folded his arms across his chest. “Why should I trust you?”
“Er…” Isaiah glanced at Mara, but she had already whipped out her sunglasses.
The male agent nodded. “I’ll follow you.” He activated a portal and shoved the Sues, one by one, through the temporary doorway.
Flash!
Legolas blinked several times. Mara ran up the stairs and neuralised the rest of the Middle Earth characters before the house, with the Sues gone, shimmered into plothole oblivion and instead became the woods of Lothlórien, the only place that all of those abducted would logically be together. Bleeprin was freely distributed, and Isaiah came back to collect Mara and transfer her to the current location of the Sues.
“The place you are keeping them is…”
“The Old Forest,” Isaiah answered promptly. “Don’t worry. They’re just beginning to revive.”
Rachel the Sue opened one beautiful eye and stared up at the girl and guy dressed in black.
“Where’s Leggy?” was the first question out of her mouth.
The young man looked at her grimly. “A long way from here. By the way, you and your friends are charged with being atrocious Mary Sues, abducting several Fellowship members and three Elves and bringing them to your home through a plothole, having them wear PJs, putting denizens of Middle Earth under hypnotic, Sueish mind control that allowed them to be interested in you, make out with you, lose a volleyball game to you, and, most sickeningly, making them enjoy modern fast food…excessive contrivance, fangirl-speech, in-text author’s notes, bashing Arwen, causing hardened warriors to be scared of household appliances, making Aragorn 27, and using the word ‘kiss’ and its variations a total of 38 times within 28 pages. For this and many other things, you are condemned to your own, very special, comeuppance. Have fun.”
All of the girls were wide awake now, and were glancing nervously at each other when Mara unleashed her diatribe on them, especially on Keira.
“Aragorn did not spend 68 years with love unrequited, heart heavy with Arwen’s doom, for him to get snatched, bewitched, and coerced into throwing it all away for you! He is the Dúnadan, Elessar, King of Gondor and Arnor, by worth as well as by birthright! You’re a stranger, an immature teenage girl who wants Aragorn to be her digitally enhanced action standee! You read the books! You must know what Arwen means to Aragorn. You complain about Haldir getting killed off in the movies, and yet you proceed to lay waste to the Lord of the Rings canon in a way undreamt of by PJ, Bakshi, or the Harvard Lampoon! Die. Just die, you smarmy Sues.”
“But-what-”
The agents vanished, leaving the fangirls in the middle of a dark, brooding wood.
One of them had a flash of inspiration. “I know! This must be Mirkwood!”
“Legolas!” The girls delightedly came to the wrong conclusion.
“Let’s go find him!”
While watching the Sues trek through the forest, Isaiah took several deep breaths in order to curb his temper. As the agents had known it would, the forest closed in almost imperceptibly on the Mary Sues, shepherding them steadily into its heart. The girls gradually realized that they were in trouble, but it was impossible for them to navigate their way out. An ominous outside force gradually pressed them into blundering on in the opposite direction that they wished--not unlike what they had forced the canon characters to undergo.
The agents whiled away the time merrily, testing their CADs and sharpening their weapons and taking the occasional nap, until the girls arrived at a stream and crossed the path of a twisted old tree. Its already bad mood rankled as it saw the girls tramping by it.
Suddenly, they seemed to slow down. The Sues’ limbs moved sluggishly, as if they were in a trance…not unlike Keira’s ability to draw Aragorn in with her eyes. Keira yawned three times in a row. Kasey merely slumped to the ground.
“What’s…happening?” grunted Shandell.
“I dunno…sleepy…like in the book where the tree…what’s it called…”
“Yeah, like…the old willow guy, or somethi-AAAH!” Sam tripped and lay sprawled beneath a sizeable tree root. Before she could move, a second gnarled arm caught her waist and started pulling her under.
Old Man Willow was having a considerable amount of fun with this group of Sues. It was quite a challenge, pinning them all at once while they tried to flee, waiting until they got too sleepy to resist, then slowly crushing them deeper into his clutches. The agents stood by to watch, disguised as shrubs-a new one for Mara and Isaiah. The sense of shaking in the wind and of being a part of the massive consciousness of the forest nearly spoiled the fun of seeing the Sues go under the tree, being digested and worked inward. Nearly.
When all of the Sues had been pulled inexorably inside, they began to shriek frantically, filling the air with muffled Valley speak exclamations, which seemed to irritate the tree even more. It was too late, for them, anyway. The last pair of legs thrashed about frantically for a few seconds, and then all was quiet. The agents sank into the muddy earth at their roots and basked in the warm glow of poetic justice. Isaiah carefully tapped two of his branches together. One of the branches had the remote activator bound to it with some twine from Mara’s sizeable backpack. A portal appeared, and Mara and Isaiah slipped out of their disguises as they found themselves in Headquarters.
Only then did Isaiah realize that his hands were shaking.
“Some fic, huh?” He looked at his shoes, not knowing what else to say. He felt Mara give him a gentle pat on the shoulder before heading to the cafeteria for a coffee pick-me-up.
Isaiah trudged back to his quarters, still in somewhat of a daze. He was glad that the Sues had met-
Flash!
I luuuuuv LotR!
Perfection simplified!
Like, oh my God!
The traumatic memory flashed before his eyes. Those idiotic, drooling, squealing-
Isaiah muttered an expletive and pounded his fists against his head.
It was time to face facts. The Lord of the Rings fandom was just bad news. In every possible way.
Then the console erased the problem of flashbacks with its memory-wiping shrill.
Grateful for the distraction, he banged on the computer to stop it from beeping.
“Jack’s next One True Love, here I come.”
The End
Continue to Mission 6
_______________________________________________________________
Author’s Note: I think, with the help of Laih and Starfish of Elves, that I have managed to debunk the assumption that fangirls who have only seen the movies are automatically worse than the ones who have read the books. Both this fic and the last LotR fic had some of the worst canon violation I’ve ever seen. And how hypocritical can you get? “Stupid Peter Jackson, killing Haldir at Helm’s Deep, but, hey, I’m making Aragorn 27, nixing his relationship with Arwen, and bringing him to live with me! Whee!”
* * *
And now, I go back to my PotC PPCing. The PotC fandom is somewhat cleaner than when I left it, being bereft of its "You" Sues. Oh, so sad. For anyone else involved in the PotC fandom, I'd like to jump-start the anti-Sue movement again. PotCsues hasn't made an appearance in months, and I don't think she's answering her e-mail. That was the journal that kept a lot of funny, bright people together and allowed people like Wolfychan and me to plug our Sue-mocking efforts. Sueslaps has also fallen by the wayside a bit. I'd be willing to lend a hand, if need be. Is there anyone interested in, say, a PotC anti-Sue community? The reports could come faster without just one or two people having to maintain them. We all have busy times in our lives, so this might be a little easier to keep going.
Just wondering
~Araeph
Department of Technical Errors