Depressive Ramblings
I'm scared.
I don't know exactly what about but I'm afraid that I'll be left out of something somewhere. I've never felt very connected to anything I've done, whether its people I work with or even my classmates back in grade school. I've always been on the outside looking in. Its easy to feel overlooked.
It all hit me hard yesterday. I don't know what set it off other than I felt like an outsider on my own team. I don't know how true that really is, whether people really do look at me that way or not. I know there is at least one person on my team that would rather be anywhere but near me. I can't say that I dont share similar feelings, we've never gotten along for whatever reason. It hurts though when she enters a room and will talk to everyone but myself. She doesn't even look me in the eye when trying to tell me something unless its a short coming I have. I'm not the smartest person, and I'm not very tactful and I fear that I've hurt whatever relationship we could once have had. It might never have been good, but I would like to think it could have beenbetter than this.
But something about all that just overwhelmed me yesterday. It struck me on just how on the outside of everything I feel. I've lived on my own for five years and have yet to have a close friend to spend time with. Anyone I know is so far away, and it hurts to know that I can't just up and do something. My life is work and home. I'm a bit of a recluse anyways, I don't handle going out and just socializing. That's not me. I'm happy to spend a night by myself at home, either playing a video game or something else. But when that's your life for nearly several years... Yeah, I'm not that much of a hermit. But I just don't know how to go about making that different.
And to see everyone else making easy friends all around me? It just hits home how alone I really am. And when you're just by yourself, thoughts can get pretty dark. Why doesn't anyone like me? Why don't they call? Well, if they don't call it must mean that I'm not worth the effort. Or I must have pissed some off for them to ignore me.
What's worse is that I know that's not true, or I truely hope its not true. But there is no one there to tell me otherwise and after awhile it starts to eat at me.
This feels like a random post. I'm not putting this hear in the hopes that anyone will read it. In fact I don't have any friends linked to this accoutn, real life or otherwise. Why would anyone read a random journal post from a stranger? This is more of my benifit, or so I hope. Maybe if I can get the words out at least here, maybe it won't be so bad. But who knows. I'm just dreading even going in to work this morning.
This all feels incredable selfish, especially after events that have happened here over thelast few days. Everyone is worrying about rebuilding and here I am moping about my socal standing. But maybe its because of that that it all hit home. If that were me that had been hit, who would care?
OUtside of my family? I don't have an answer.
I don't know exactly what about but I'm afraid that I'll be left out of something somewhere. I've never felt very connected to anything I've done, whether its people I work with or even my classmates back in grade school. I've always been on the outside looking in. Its easy to feel overlooked.
It all hit me hard yesterday. I don't know what set it off other than I felt like an outsider on my own team. I don't know how true that really is, whether people really do look at me that way or not. I know there is at least one person on my team that would rather be anywhere but near me. I can't say that I dont share similar feelings, we've never gotten along for whatever reason. It hurts though when she enters a room and will talk to everyone but myself. She doesn't even look me in the eye when trying to tell me something unless its a short coming I have. I'm not the smartest person, and I'm not very tactful and I fear that I've hurt whatever relationship we could once have had. It might never have been good, but I would like to think it could have beenbetter than this.
But something about all that just overwhelmed me yesterday. It struck me on just how on the outside of everything I feel. I've lived on my own for five years and have yet to have a close friend to spend time with. Anyone I know is so far away, and it hurts to know that I can't just up and do something. My life is work and home. I'm a bit of a recluse anyways, I don't handle going out and just socializing. That's not me. I'm happy to spend a night by myself at home, either playing a video game or something else. But when that's your life for nearly several years... Yeah, I'm not that much of a hermit. But I just don't know how to go about making that different.
And to see everyone else making easy friends all around me? It just hits home how alone I really am. And when you're just by yourself, thoughts can get pretty dark. Why doesn't anyone like me? Why don't they call? Well, if they don't call it must mean that I'm not worth the effort. Or I must have pissed some off for them to ignore me.
What's worse is that I know that's not true, or I truely hope its not true. But there is no one there to tell me otherwise and after awhile it starts to eat at me.
This feels like a random post. I'm not putting this hear in the hopes that anyone will read it. In fact I don't have any friends linked to this accoutn, real life or otherwise. Why would anyone read a random journal post from a stranger? This is more of my benifit, or so I hope. Maybe if I can get the words out at least here, maybe it won't be so bad. But who knows. I'm just dreading even going in to work this morning.
This all feels incredable selfish, especially after events that have happened here over thelast few days. Everyone is worrying about rebuilding and here I am moping about my socal standing. But maybe its because of that that it all hit home. If that were me that had been hit, who would care?
OUtside of my family? I don't have an answer.