2008 - The Year in Review
I remember exactly how I felt when the time switched over to the year 2008. I honestly felt like I was on top of the world. At that point, I felt like I'd accomplished so much and was finally on the way to the rest of my life. A week and a half later, I was given a violent shove into real adulthood, and the way was paved for me to start becoming the person I've always wanted to be.
In January, I started the year off falling for a girl with the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. I tried everything to give myself that confidence boost, but ultimately could not muster up the courage to say something to her. She was deaf, and in my ignorance, I was intimidated by that very fact alone. I felt awkward trying to approach her, dismissing the fact that she's just another girl and the lack of hearing means nothing to me. I writhed in agony over this for about a week and a half before my life took a turn for the better. I went to Ocean City for work and on the 10th of January, I was shoved headfirst into a concrete wall about 75 feet away from where I sit as I write this entry. My life was affected in the most predictable ways. In an instant, my entire life changed forever. The way I felt about people, about friends, about love, about hatred and anger, about faith, about my job, everything changed the moment I went down. I should've died. When the doctors told me I might have complications that could be fatal, I really didn't care. I hadn't done anything in my life up 'til then that I felt was really worth fretting over. Sure, I loved the people in my life, but my friends are a strong bunch, and would ultimately be okay. I made a deal with God when I woke up and was told about what happened. If he gave me the chance, I would get my act together. Well, I got my chance, and I found out through the rest of January that I was more confused than anything else. I made some regrettable decisions during my recovery, for sure. I found myself dealing with recovery and life alone. I couldn't expect that the people I know could keep me company constantly, and I didn't. But, life was very heavy. There was a point where I was actually apologizing to people for talking about my situation in entries/blogs etc. The good news though, my appreciation for everything in the world increased a hundred-fold. Towards the end of the month I met Lisa who became my partner in crime. I can safely say that I'd be a shell of a person without her. This incident would have altogether destroyed me had she not found me. After all, it's just like Bill Withers says, "we all need somebody to lean on."
In February I actually started to make progress on fixing things in my life. The literal healing of the incident was about done with, and the coping process had started. Coming to grips with what had happened, why it'd happened, dealing with the results of what happened, and trying to start moving on was all very difficult. I got a whole bunch of tests done, found out I was healing just fine, and found out I had the typical head injury long-term effect called BPPV - Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo which basically meant that I got super off balance and dizzy when I had my head in certain positions (i.e. - looking straight up). I pretty much spent the entire month in my room though, and that's a literal statement, not an exaggeration. Lisa and I were pretty much in constant communication. I also went down to Ocean City and filed the criminal charges at the end of the month.
In March I found myself at the mercy of the world. I was forced to go back to work before I felt that I was ready, and I still couldn't drive. I also was dealing with what the neurologist called "post-concussion syndrome." I was a moody thing at the time, and I seemed to lose control over certain things. You know that filter that we all have? The one when someone says or does something just a little irritating, allows us to just let the little stuff go? I lost that, and I snapped at EVERY little thing that bothered me. It was terrible, but as I later found out, quite normal. To boot, I was having a lot of difficulty breaking out of my little shell. While it sucks that I had to spend so much time at home without a change of surroundings, my room became my little safety net where nothing bad could happen. Me of all people couldn't even let anyone touch me or come physically near me. Stepping out into the world of normalcy again was truly terrifying to me, and it was only through God and the people I love that I was able to overcome that. March also saw me and my step-father have a complete and total breakdown. I rolled through my daddy issues and came out of it feeling a lot better about things. I also had the most horrific dream that I've ever had. In the dream, it was my wife (whoever she was, someone asian for sure) and our baby son. They were on the bottom floor of this building we were in at the beach (a hotel maybe...?) and I was on the 3rd or 4th floor looking down on them. It was apparently storming violently outside, and flooding. The water burst into the lower level of the building and washed them away. They say dreams do not have any sound, but even sitting here 9 months later, I can still hear their screams. I woke up screaming myself. Very scary, true, but heartbreaking more than anything.
Yay April! My favorite month of the year. Spring was in full effect! I was able to drive again on April 10th, and a few days later was Sakura Matsuri, which was INcredible. My court date with my assailant was in April. He pled guilty to 2nd degree assault and reckless endangerment. He is on probation for 3 years, and has a 1 year suspended sentence pending violation of said probation. Additionally, I got restitution money for the time I missed work, and he got a big fat GUILTY on his permanent criminal record. If he ever lays a finger on someone again, it'll be a good thing I pressed charges. I would later look back on April as the time when all of the pieces fell into place. I dealt with the assailant, I was back to 'normal,' the BPPV passed, I had my temper back under control again, and I was able to start appreciating everyone and everything in the world around me more so than ever before. I felt truly alive. Colors were more vibrant, sounds were crystal clear, I could see God in everything, and I could feel passion for my fellow man more than I ever thought possible. Of course it bears mentioning that my court date in April meant a few days with my best friend Chuck in Ocean City. =D
May was a rather eventless month. Lisa and I crept closer and closer to a visit, and towards each other, but for the most part it was business as usual. Work, work, work. Oh yeah, there were SWEET Cinco de Mayo and Memorial Day parties at Jens.
For me, June was all about Lisa. I got her flowers for her birthday, which is something I've only ever done once before for someone. A few days later, I went up to visit her and we hit it off pretty well. I went up there twice during June, and each time it became harder to come back. We didn't even really do too much during the visits, but spending so much time with someone is an amazing thing. We got to be nerdy and play games, watch movies, and generally just chilled for a while. I struggled a lot with anxiety during June though. I was having a severe issue thinking that I was still physically messed up from the incident when I really wasn't. Additionally, Derek and I had a monstrous blowout one day at work and we stopped talking.
In July, I was forced out of the job I was doing and moved back to contract work, an obvious ploy by the company to get me to quit. They couldn't fire me, especially not after the incident in January happened on their watch. July saw yet another trip to Buffalo, which was ironically planned to be the first trip (We'd gotten impatient in June). More fun was had. July was also when I finally decided that I would be going back to school. I finally got the ball rolling there and started to get things in order.
August was a pretty awesome month. I got to Lisa came and visited twice, and at the end of her second visit, I flew with her back up to Buffalo to ride out the rest of the month. I FINALLY got out of my job, and I got sick when Lisa first visited. It was a sinus infection, which was miserable. To boot, circumstances occurred within my group of friends that were less than pleasant, and a lot of badness happened there. On the plus side Lisa made me and my family Lasagna =D =D =D SO good! A lot changed in a very short amount of time. I had already gone through the internal changes and whatnot after being injured, but August was when the changes in my physical world took place. I started to exercise again, I quit the job, I was ready for school, and I was sleeping well again (finally).
September was very bittersweet though. As the trip to Buffalo came to a close, I realized that I just wasn't happy in that relationship and ended things. Lisa and I are still very close, but things just didn't work out. I started school and realized that school was going to be a breeze. Everyone I knew fell on some sort of hard times. The drama within my little group was raging on, and everyone else I knew was having problems upon problems in their lives. Still, September was when I learned that no matter how difficult things are when I go to bed each night, "I'll wake up to the morning sun, 'here comes another day,' and somehow know everything will be okay." I first paid attention to that song when I was in the airport in Buffalo waiting for my flight to board and bawling my eyes out. I felt that that line from Afternoon Repose worked very well in regard to what I was faced with at the time. That song launched a rekindled obsession I have with Maaya Sakamoto's music that still carries on to this day. Aditionally, I got really wrapped up in PostSecret and To Write Love on Her Arms, two online movements that are very touching to me. I went through a week or so where I felt completely helpless. My group of friends was struggling, my sister needed me, and I was still reeling from the breakup, all of which was capped off by the passing of 9/11 which serves me as a constant reminder of how insignificant my place in the world really is sometimes. Conversely, I did manage to score a bartending gig pretty close to home, and I wrote an entry called "Little Things 2008," cataloguing the monumental changes that had occurred in the year or so leading up to then. That entry is my favorite thing that I've ever written, and I'm pretty proud of it. That entry led to my finally making peace with Allison, which was so very necessary for both of us. I'd been pretty hostile with her up to that point, and it was amazing to finally break the ice. On the last day of the month, I met Alex, Kirsten, Ben, Emily, and Allison - a group of people who would have a much greater impact on my life than I'd ever had imagined at the time.
In October, I found new zest in life through the Serenity Prayer. I resigned myself to the notion that I didn't need to be such a control freak about things in my life, that the big man would take care of me when it comes down to it. I got pretty close with my new group of friends from school. In particular, I found myself gravitating toward Ben and Emily. Something about them really appealed to me, and as I later found out, they're Christians. To the credit of the others, Alex is pretty spiritual in his own right and quite a decent guy, while Kirsten and Allison are just plain fun, each in their own different way. I actually forgot about my own birthday until 3 days beforehand. I spent most of October reflecting on who I've become and how things have come to be. I came off of ten months of medication as well, throwing me into a frenzy of hypochondria, worrying about seizures and withdrawals.
November, like the flipping of a coin, was a very trying month for me. Elections were a problem, for sure. Everyone was so sassy about how things were in the political world, and then politics were just forgotten after that week. I found myself irritated over the judgements passed over the whole Prop 8 nonsense. Rather, I found myself torn. My religion tells me one thing, plainly on the pages in black and white. On the other, people are still people, and all are created equal. November was also when I got to meet the Fornwalt family, or more specifically Ben and Emily's brother Josh and their parents. These people, in one weekend, changed my life for the better. They invited me into their home, into their lives, and most importanly, into their church. I've been going ever since, and I couldn't be happier about it. In November, I also went head to head with one of my most personal demons - my contempt for my best friend. Also THANKSGIVING!! Food, food, food, food, food, food, food, and even more food!
My agression towards Aaron carried over into December. I had many demons regarding him that needed confronting. I called Laura out and she talked me through the whole of them, and just like that I felt the anger rise out of me. The realization washed over me in an instant that I truly missed him, and that I love him so very much. In December, I also tried my hand as uninspired writing. Typically, my rants and blogs are inspired by something really good or really bad happening in my life. What came out was a pretty touching account of how I view Laura Butman, who is one of the rarest of gems in my life. It was a very moving project to take on, to sit there and think about why I care about someone and what stands out about them. In the end, it was very moving to write, and I hope equally moving to read. That's what I was aiming for anyways. During the last month of 2008, I reflected (much as I am right now) on how my priorities had shifted so drastically in such a short time. In the end, I also explored my own pacifism and even capital punishment.
This was the best year of my life though. Here's to a better 2009