(no subject)
Tomorrow is the last day of me being on medication for the brain injury in January. It's the last hurdle I have to clear before I will be completely recovered.
I only post this because I am most likely going to be an absolute mess over the next week or so. The worry that I might seize, fear of the symptoms of withdraw, and just the general feeling of being completely done with this situation all terrify me. It's easy to be paranoid and afraid, especially with an injury of the magnitude that mine was. It's hard for me, especially for a hypochondriac, to wake up in the morning and know everything is going to be okay. To not think about my physical self. Tuesday will be my first day not being medicated in almost a year. Tuesday will actually be alright. Wednesday is a different story. I got glimpses of this twice before, when 60 days ago I came down 100mg in the dosage, and another 100mg 30 days ago. The last time, only a well placed phone call to my uncle, who works in the medical field, saved me from scaring myself into the ER. I was feeling things that I've never felt before. Constant things, that no matter how much I distracted myself (my usual coping mechanism for anxiety), they wouldn't go away.
And I'm doing my best not to throw a pity party for myself. I'm just scared. This is what I live with, though. I can't control it, and I can't help it. I just have to deal, and do the best that I can. That of course, means warning people ahead of time that I might be a little snippy, or distracted, or maybe just plain emotional in the coming days.
I only post this because I am most likely going to be an absolute mess over the next week or so. The worry that I might seize, fear of the symptoms of withdraw, and just the general feeling of being completely done with this situation all terrify me. It's easy to be paranoid and afraid, especially with an injury of the magnitude that mine was. It's hard for me, especially for a hypochondriac, to wake up in the morning and know everything is going to be okay. To not think about my physical self. Tuesday will be my first day not being medicated in almost a year. Tuesday will actually be alright. Wednesday is a different story. I got glimpses of this twice before, when 60 days ago I came down 100mg in the dosage, and another 100mg 30 days ago. The last time, only a well placed phone call to my uncle, who works in the medical field, saved me from scaring myself into the ER. I was feeling things that I've never felt before. Constant things, that no matter how much I distracted myself (my usual coping mechanism for anxiety), they wouldn't go away.
And I'm doing my best not to throw a pity party for myself. I'm just scared. This is what I live with, though. I can't control it, and I can't help it. I just have to deal, and do the best that I can. That of course, means warning people ahead of time that I might be a little snippy, or distracted, or maybe just plain emotional in the coming days.