I left my heart in Buffalo
In hindsight, I've known since the day I met her that there was something different about her that set her apart from people. I couldn't have told anyone this at the time, but looking back, I think I've always known. This past weekend I went to Buffalo to see where life was going to take us next
It could've been when I left GameStop for East Coast Fire Protection. Or was it when Aaron relapsed? Maybe when my last relationship ended? Perhaps it was growing up being a video game junkie. When I was laid off from AT&T? When I met Raphael? I have taken such a delicate walk through life that if any of the things in my life hadn't happened -exactly- the way they did, I wouldn't have met her.
I met this girl when I was at my absolute wits end. I was physically damaged, and an internal wreck. At the time, I was spending my days being bored and thinking about what had happened. Trying to make sense of something like that was anything but fun. Especially when you're religious and the question of why came about. I was very upset, to be honest, when I met her. I'd figured that I'd abused my bitching to my friends privileges in the past, and knew they probably didn't want to hear it anymore. Sean pointed out to me at the Christmas Party in an indirect fashion that I was someone who bitched and complained a good amount. To the point where it was expected, really. I'd cried wolf one too many times, and now something real had happened, and I didn't feel I could talk to any of them about it in depth, or let them know that I wasn't actually recovering well. That I was traumatized by what happened and was having issues dealing with it. I needed, at the time, someone to walk with me through my recovery, day to day. Which is why most of my doctors were pushing therapy on me. Not necessarily to hold my hand through each day, but just to keep me company and share the struggle with me.
Without realizing it she did just that. She wasn't trying to. Her job and her personal life allowed her the free time to talk with me whenever she wanted. And it's true, I leaned on her a lot more than people normally would, having just met someone. It's very easy to take comfort in a complete stranger, because the chances are good that you'll drift and do so without being hurt. She was perfect for me. She is perfect for me. She is a realist, and very literal. She'll goof off just the same with me, but she's very very real. If she doesn't believe in or abide by something, she won't act passively just for my sake. She'd break things to me in such a way as to say "Well, if that's how you feel, then that's how you feel, but I disagree." She wasn't tough on me, just real. She didn't cut me any slack on whatever we were talking about, and she loves to discuss things we disagree about. She was very much exactly what I needed in a friend.
Over time, though, she and I grew closer than friends do without either of us really realizing it. We hit this iffy period where we acknowledged being more than friends, but we decided that going any further on that front could be bad, so we agreed to just wait and see. I presented the idea of a visit, because sooner or later it had to happen with where we were headed. I wasn't trying to arrange a visit to go and see how the romance would work out. I just really truly wanted to see her, and be near her. I expected nothing more. So based on our respective schedules, vacation time at work, and the like, we planned for me to go visit her on July 9th, a Wednesday, and stay until Monday the 14th. We were giddy about it. Over time, however, the two of us were growing impatient with the slow passage of time. We reasoned it out that it'd be easier to have a "test-run" weekend trip in case things didn't work out before we committed to five days off of work and being stuck together.
I went up there this past Friday expecting nothing, yet getting everything. I realized the moment I saw her that I'd have loved this girl no matter what she looked like or whatever could happen in the physical world to deter me. The bonus was that she's very pretty. Insanely good looking. My nervousness about meeting her ended, and my nervousness about liking her then began. We did not miss a beat, though. In these situations oftentimes there are things you cannot account for, differences between the online, and personal sides of people. In the online world, people only see what we choose to show them. Sometimes you'll find someone to be different than you'd thought in many ways. Oddly enough, this was not the case. We carried on, business as usual. Talked and talked and talked. sitting on her couch talking, walking around her apartment talking. It's what we do, is converse. And she is exactly how I pictured she'd be. No...she's actually better than what I'd imagined. And anyone will tell you, I imagined quite a bit. We decided it was time for bed but could not stop discussing things. Talking, talking, talking, me not even realizing that we'd been physically creeping closer and closer to each other until I realized we had our arms around each other. I'd never been so sure of anything in my life, so I told her that I loved her. At that point, I didn't care whether she felt the same, or how she'd take it. Even if it would make her angry or upset, I didn't care. All I knew was that I just wanted her to know. Lucky for me, she feels the same way, and so we kissed. I believe in Hollywood, they call what happened that night in Buffalo a "perfect moment."
The rest of the weekend followed the same course. We discussed where to go from this point. If we decided to try a relationship, that would mean a lot of suffering on both of our parts thanks to the distance between us. It'd mean no "I'll be right there" on a whim. It'd mean a lot of sacrifice. To me, though, it was a no-brainer. I love this person, so there's no other option. All we did that weekend was milk every second for what it was worth. I felt like I was there for a month when it was time to leave.
Man, this entry isn't nearly as articulate or meaningful as the first one that I'd written that I lost. But this is it. I have her now, and I couldn't be happier
Oh yeah, some folks wanted a picture of us from the visit, we only took one, and it's my icon ^_^