Reflection of the Soul- There are times u simply feel like walking away...
What's the use of putting in 4 years of blood, sweat and effort into something when you are still unable to bring out the best in it. That's a lingering thought that has been swirling in my head lately. I've been feeling disillusioned lately. What's the use of developing ukemi that builds up my sensitivity and reaction when i fundamentally lack the basic core of balance? There's a level of training i which to be exposed to, something which I don't seem to be getting much of. I remember of the times when Tian Dee Sensei took class and how the basics were grounded solid throughout training while at the same time pushing us through a myriad of variations that pushes us to the very boundaries of our limits. Or during Fukakusa or Hattori Sensei's visits down where we get to experiment with varied interpretation of aikido techniques that broadens our exposure and understanding.
We don't seem to be getting that push during regular training. While tuesday and thursday are alittle more open to experimentation, there's a limit to all our understanding and how much we could really push ourselves through self exploration of trial and error. Ever found urself tired and drained but knowing well u have to go on and push urself to move on despite the sores and bleeding in ur toes and it seems like u cannot walk any further... that's how it felt during my early days of training during Tian Dee Sensei... when u become so tired u just feel like giving up. But gradually as your stamina improves u begin to find urself going back and fourth without any stopping in the rhythm of your movement, moving in the continuous spirals of interchanging roles of uke and nage.
With Ai Sim I may get a good level of workout and feel techniques of sharp precision, my control over not wanting to hurt a lady results in me playing down my projections. I just can't bring myself to throw or pin her with full extensions. Sometimes I long for someone, someone whom can train comfortably with me and where both of us can really have both a good workout and training all at the same time. But it's hard, really hard to find someone who works on the same level as you are. And for me, my desire to learn and push myself beyond the comfort zone just seems to frustrate me even more when it seems like i'm trying to jump over an inpenetrable wall.
Sensei said that with understanding of philosophy, techniques are secondary as one who cultivates mind and spirit will eventually win over the battles of the physical. While i do agree in the importance of discipline, its a whole lot of crap to think that a disciplined individual could win a fight simply through the overwhelming peace and goodness of his spirit. If that is so, i don't think so many monks in myanmar would have lost their lives when in the face of the tyrannical junta during the recent crisis in their country.
I don't want to continue in something that does not serve its fundamental purpose. I need to know that my training is not a futile attempt at looking cool with some traditional japanese costume learning moves that'd do nothing to help you in the face of a real confrontation. I'd like to know that i'm having quality training for the real thing- that if i'm ever placed in a confrontation I'd be able to walk out of one unscathed. Or rather in the more accurate philosophy of O Sensei's believe in the spirit of love, control the opponent with compassion and allow him to stare death in the eye so that he'd emerge enlightened and humbled.
Can we really strive for such skills and proficiency? It's but just ideals now... waiting to be realised through hard and tireless attempts for perfection.
We don't seem to be getting that push during regular training. While tuesday and thursday are alittle more open to experimentation, there's a limit to all our understanding and how much we could really push ourselves through self exploration of trial and error. Ever found urself tired and drained but knowing well u have to go on and push urself to move on despite the sores and bleeding in ur toes and it seems like u cannot walk any further... that's how it felt during my early days of training during Tian Dee Sensei... when u become so tired u just feel like giving up. But gradually as your stamina improves u begin to find urself going back and fourth without any stopping in the rhythm of your movement, moving in the continuous spirals of interchanging roles of uke and nage.
With Ai Sim I may get a good level of workout and feel techniques of sharp precision, my control over not wanting to hurt a lady results in me playing down my projections. I just can't bring myself to throw or pin her with full extensions. Sometimes I long for someone, someone whom can train comfortably with me and where both of us can really have both a good workout and training all at the same time. But it's hard, really hard to find someone who works on the same level as you are. And for me, my desire to learn and push myself beyond the comfort zone just seems to frustrate me even more when it seems like i'm trying to jump over an inpenetrable wall.
Sensei said that with understanding of philosophy, techniques are secondary as one who cultivates mind and spirit will eventually win over the battles of the physical. While i do agree in the importance of discipline, its a whole lot of crap to think that a disciplined individual could win a fight simply through the overwhelming peace and goodness of his spirit. If that is so, i don't think so many monks in myanmar would have lost their lives when in the face of the tyrannical junta during the recent crisis in their country.
I don't want to continue in something that does not serve its fundamental purpose. I need to know that my training is not a futile attempt at looking cool with some traditional japanese costume learning moves that'd do nothing to help you in the face of a real confrontation. I'd like to know that i'm having quality training for the real thing- that if i'm ever placed in a confrontation I'd be able to walk out of one unscathed. Or rather in the more accurate philosophy of O Sensei's believe in the spirit of love, control the opponent with compassion and allow him to stare death in the eye so that he'd emerge enlightened and humbled.
Can we really strive for such skills and proficiency? It's but just ideals now... waiting to be realised through hard and tireless attempts for perfection.