I origionally had this posted in my dream after the whole xzedd comming out of nowhere and being there to save me... then I thought the better of that... so I put it here to keep my Dream journal from becoming an actuall journal, which must be avoided at all costs... anyway... so.. xzedd comes to the rescue and:
Pathetic isn't it... even in my dreams, even my subconcious clings to him now... like every part of me knows that I am loosing it all... How odd though... that I would call out to him... like he would be there... why would he be there? How sad that some part of me dreams of people who actually are what they pretend to be... What am I going to do when I wake up one day and realize that there's no one there with me... no one I can call out to... no one to help me up from falling out of the tilted tower...He doesn't have much time left, and theres no one else left...'brothers' who speak of honnor but honnor nothing more than gathering behind a persons back and questioning their character without even having the decency to ask that person outright, and deciding who that person is through the opinions of others...Even my father doesn't want to have anything to do with our family anymore... he's looking for exuses to leave and then what... I always thought of what a detriment it would cause to loose my mother but never considered my father... do you think he would have a damn thing to do with me after that?... not a snowballs chance in hell...and what am I left with then, she hate's living under his oppresive behavior... she's been living under it for years... she sees me as making all the same mistakes...and even passes on her frustraitions with him on me now... what do you think is going to happen when he leaves? I'll have to live with her because he'll have nothing to do with me and there's no way she'll be able to afford that house payment... we'll have to move so she'll move us back to california... *groan* She will enjoy simpathy and support for awhile... but the truth is I was never her kid, not in her eyes, not since I became me... or in her mind... him... Because I was never like her... and he is my only living proof that I am the way I am mainly because of grotesque genetics and without him there's just me and the fact that I'm fucked up but no one to point to and say... well actually I'm fucked up just like him, and he was fucked up just like his father before him... what a legacy...My daddy gave me a fucked up head... yay. So what is she going to do? She'll drink more, I'll replace him in her mind, she'll take out 25 + years of anger and frustration on me and this is just not going to go anywhere positive... and there will be no one left to turn to... What a cosmicly pathetic and crewl joke my mind plays and preys upon me... to think that there would be anyone there when I called out into the darkness... I walked right into this slanted spire room 14 stories high in the darkness of night... and there will be no one there to hold my hand... I will fall... Hope... all hope is gone for the future... my hope... my little hope... my last hope...my Kibo... even he is gone now... and here I am having little dreams about someone who says they care being there to rescue me... se pathetic no? It makes me feel like a child wishing for a fairy tale. Aw crap... now what's more pathetic... that or the fact that I am actually writing comprehensively on my dreams now instead of just reporting and recording them... no... I refuse to let this happen... I refuse to let my LJ become an actual journal... to hell with that... this is going in my comment section untill I can't stand to look at me wallowing in my own self induced pathetic paradox.
so.. xzedd comes to the rescue and:
Pathetic isn't it... even in my dreams, even my subconcious clings to him now... like every part of me knows that I am loosing it all... How odd though... that I would call out to him... like he would be there... why would he be there? How sad that some part of me dreams of people who actually are what they pretend to be... What am I going to do when I wake up one day and realize that there's no one there with me... no one I can call out to... no one to help me up from falling out of the tilted tower...He doesn't have much time left, and theres no one else left...'brothers' who speak of honnor but honnor nothing more than gathering behind a persons back and questioning their character without even having the decency to ask that person outright, and deciding who that person is through the opinions of others...Even my father doesn't want to have anything to do with our family anymore... he's looking for exuses to leave and then what... I always thought of what a detriment it would cause to loose my mother but never considered my father... do you think he would have a damn thing to do with me after that?... not a snowballs chance in hell...and what am I left with then, she hate's living under his oppresive behavior... she's been living under it for years... she sees me as making all the same mistakes...and even passes on her frustraitions with him on me now... what do you think is going to happen when he leaves? I'll have to live with her because he'll have nothing to do with me and there's no way she'll be able to afford that house payment... we'll have to move so she'll move us back to california... *groan* She will enjoy simpathy and support for awhile... but the truth is I was never her kid, not in her eyes, not since I became me... or in her mind... him... Because I was never like her... and he is my only living proof that I am the way I am mainly because of grotesque genetics and without him there's just me and the fact that I'm fucked up but no one to point to and say... well actually I'm fucked up just like him, and he was fucked up just like his father before him... what a legacy...My daddy gave me a fucked up head... yay. So what is she going to do? She'll drink more, I'll replace him in her mind, she'll take out 25 + years of anger and frustration on me and this is just not going to go anywhere positive... and there will be no one left to turn to... What a cosmicly pathetic and crewl joke my mind plays and preys upon me... to think that there would be anyone there when I called out into the darkness... I walked right into this slanted spire room 14 stories high in the darkness of night... and there will be no one there to hold my hand... I will fall...
Hope... all hope is gone for the future... my hope... my little hope... my last hope...my Kibo... even he is gone now... and here I am having little dreams about someone who says they care being there to rescue me... se pathetic no? It makes me feel like a child wishing for a fairy tale.
Aw crap... now what's more pathetic... that or the fact that I am actually writing comprehensively on my dreams now instead of just reporting and recording them... no... I refuse to let this happen... I refuse to let my LJ become an actual journal... to hell with that...
this is going in my comment section untill I can't stand to look at me wallowing in my own self induced pathetic paradox.
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