(no subject)
Last night I had the first dream with turtle in it that I have ever had.
I’ve had flashes..."day-mares"... mostly while living with dale when I was 17... when he would come into my room and get into bed with me, while it was dark and I was drowsy often in the middle of the night, while I was trying to sleep but couldn't really. He would wrap himself around me and suddenly I didn't remember where I was... I would often be half in the world and half out of it when he did this and I would react, not knowing who he was momentarily. I would push against him to get him away from me and whine as if it was pointless to do so and I knew it. In those moments, not knowing where I was exactly, not knowing who was latching onto me in the darkness, I saw him in my head, when I closed my eyes, it made me fight a little bit more, cry out a little louder but it was all so vague...until dale, what a dumb-ass, he thought I was completely asleep and having nightmares.
So what does he do to wake me up?
He gets right up on top of me and he holds my arms and my body down, slamming me into the bed to wake me up....
Instantaneous “flash backs”...
I see only memories, living them, I fight with everything I have in me...he pushes me down, holding my arms and the rest of me down, only contributing in further making those flashes real...
Only when he has me by the throat do I know what happens next... and I know I have nothing, that this is it and I remember the feeling of his hands around my throat.... the blackness seeping in from the back of my head... consuming all conscious thoughts...
Only then do I hear him calling out the wrong name... my school name... and realize that there are no hands on my throat... that I am in Salem, I am in my room, and that it is my 21year old 'room-mate' my "friend" my ‘sponsor’ the creepy lying ass hole who convinced me to come live with him who is in bed with me, on top of me, holding me down and shaking me like he's waking me from a dream...when I haven't slept for days.... god damn that sick fuck, both of them, I hope they both burn in their hell’s…
Anyway...
Back to the actual dream I had…
Xzedd and I were on some kind of trip with my mother… I think that is what was happening… because we were in a hotel. Xzedd and I in one room… my mother in another room, they were conjoined. Her room was like half a hotel room, half actually her room, and everything was really dark… and the bed she was on actually looked more like my bed. It was a dark wood head board, but it had her wedding quilt on it. The only difference was that it had stain-glass panels inlaid into it on the sides, in really beautiful colors, dark greens and shiny pearlescent creams. It was inlaid in some Nuevo style that she liked, that apparently I loved, and that she knew very well I coveted. I guess she didn’t know that Xzedd was there or pretended that she didn’t notice him, so I came into her room while she lay in bed, drunk and snoozing in the middle of the day… and I came to ask her about food for him or something essential that she had purposely overlooked to make things hard on him and she absolutely lost her mind over it. She started screaming and yelling and accusing me of hiding him when she knew very well that he had been there all along. I tried to be reasonable with her, to point out to her that she had in fact know that he was going to be coming along from the very beginning and that her decision to ignore him now was hurtful not only to him but to myself as well… She went absolutely out of her mind with rage, her face twisting and contorting into ugly, grotesque pictures of malice as she screamed obscenities until her face turned red, picking at all my soft spots and pushing all my buttons until I could no longer take her bullshit verbal abuse for something that was not simply my fault. I mentioned that if she did not settle down she was going to break her beautiful bed frame. Knowing how much I loved her bed she immediately turned and broke the panel nearest to her with her fists and grabbed an awkward shard and turned to hurl it at me. I dodged the flying piece of once beautiful art work and simply turned to leave; knowing that she was so drunk that she was acting like a four year old and a brat just made the entire fight completely stupid and pointless… the things she had said just to hurt me… breaking the beautiful Nuevo piece that I loved more than she did just because she knew that I loved it, also just to hurt me, it was all so stupid, and I knew the irony was that there was really nothing that I could do, even sober she would never admit to her stupidity, blame me for the broken glass, demand that I apologize for everything, point out that all of her thoughts on me were correct no matter how bias and opinionated and hateful her crude statements had been… and if I did not comply… she would take everything from me. It was just like things really are between us. So I knew I had nothing left, no other choice but to leave, to disappear… she was so far over stepping her bounds, I would never give her what she wanted to hear from me now, I would never validate all of her bullshit, not after being treated like that. I knew if I didn’t she would have nothing to do with me… so that was that… I had nothing left. Xzedd left because he didn’t want to deal with my mom. He left long before things got out of hand, didn’t even say goodbye. So I stalked down the steps of this fancy ass hotel like the time we stayed in Singapore with the laser keys, and I walked out the front door into some shit hole somewhere…. the hotel behind me gone… I was waiting for someone to come and pick me up, someone that I had called out my one time favor of… some girl acquaintance I barely knew... she happened to be in the area and I was only asking her to drive me out of this town and drop me off on another street corner somewhere else… she decided to take me somewhere she was going, I told her I didn’t care where… so she was on her way to get me. She didn’t ask many questions… she didn’t really care what was happening to me. She didn’t know anything of me and never really wanted to, she was just very social and liked to talk, some dirty blonde with blue eyes who was too self absorbed to notice what I looked like or ever listen to what I actually said to her. I was standing on this corner… a dirt block square that looked like a run down taxi hail in Puerto Rico or a buss stop without the buss stop sign… the roads were empty… and it was either really early or getting late, dawn or dusk… I looked out into the dirt paths that cars traveled on crossing all around this place… I watched them disappear into the distance… I was staring into the emptiness of my future and realizing this… and turning at a noise beside me, I almost thought to wonder what companion I would find who would be waiting here with me, be it bug or lizard or someone to brake the silence. I almost longed for someone to see this with me, to speak their minds on our pending journeys of travel into our empty futures… and then I saw who it was and my whole body froze like it was dropped into the negative million whatever degrees Kelvin of space… It was turtle….
As he approached me slowly, all I could do was look down in my petrified state of being… I saw the ground grow dark beneath him… and soft… at the edge of the patch we were standing on… I saw something like water appear… weird creatures swimming in it… and it sank like it was far, far away… as if you could see down into a chasm beneath us, just through this small crack between the patch we were on and the road, it was like a huge cliff. It was a hole now just big enough to fall through and down into these mysterious depths of the earth… the white trilobites were alive and scuttling to and fro among the deep dark blue and turquoise water… that came in waves of other deep and terrifying malicious evil colors, a dark magenta purple, a poisonous green…. and above this, at the edge of the cliff, night crawlers and other, darker things squirmed at the edge of the now soft and damp earth… I sank a little where I stood, like the ground I was on was in his control, as if at any moment he could conduct it to consume me and drag me into it’s dark depths. I turned my head slowly, mostly looking down still as he spoke to me… held out his hand and came closer to me… he called me by that pet-name I always hated… every step he took I saw called creatures up from the rank wet ground. Worms and slugs and leaches and weird black squirming things paired with bone white miniature trilobites that scuttled along, they would all come out and over his feet as he stepped toward me… I felt sick… like I was going to wretch violently… He had no sweet little voice going, no smirk, he was angry… he was going to punish me. He called the way he did when he talked about his mother trying to abort him and cocaine, in that psycho, if you dare appose my views I will make you wish you I had killed you tone. His walk was steady and with purpose… I could feel myself freezing more and more as he got near… as if in space… in two seconds when your whole body freezes over and then explodes and is torn apart by the extreme temperatures, lack of oxygen and the infinite vacuum of encompassing oblivion. As he approached, I saw the car in the distance racing toward me… completely un-conscious of what was actually happening to me… but racing none the less… I held my breath… and wondered if I would dare jump the chasm toward the car… or if I would just shut down, frozen and crying as he grabbed me and dragged me down into hell with him…
No… I would not let him do this to me this time… I decided… and as the car skidded to a sideways hockey- like stop in front of us I jumped… tore open the car door jumped inside and screamed at the driver to go….
He took off without questioning and in a manor that seemed vaguely familiar… but I didn’t care… I just slammed the door shut behind me and didn’t look back. I didn’t care that some guy was driving the car and not the girl I had expected it to be, I didn’t care that she was sitting in the seat in front of me laughing and making comments about how weird I was acting and how she wondered why I wasn’t responding to questions, I didn’t even care when I realized that it was Michael in the driver’s seat, having heard that I had called someone that he vaguely knew also and decided to come along to pretend that he cared about me just like he did before…I didn’t care if they dumped me in the middle of nowhere… just so long as we got as far away from where I had been standing as possible. As Michael just assumed his all-knowing position, when, as usual, he didn’t know a damn thing about it, so they laughed together and at me and I just tucked my knees into my chest, curled up in a corner of the car against the side-door and sobbed.
I’ve had flashes..."day-mares"... mostly while living with dale when I was 17... when he would come into my room and get into bed with me, while it was dark and I was drowsy often in the middle of the night, while I was trying to sleep but couldn't really. He would wrap himself around me and suddenly I didn't remember where I was... I would often be half in the world and half out of it when he did this and I would react, not knowing who he was momentarily. I would push against him to get him away from me and whine as if it was pointless to do so and I knew it. In those moments, not knowing where I was exactly, not knowing who was latching onto me in the darkness, I saw him in my head, when I closed my eyes, it made me fight a little bit more, cry out a little louder but it was all so vague...until dale, what a dumb-ass, he thought I was completely asleep and having nightmares.
So what does he do to wake me up?
He gets right up on top of me and he holds my arms and my body down, slamming me into the bed to wake me up....
Instantaneous “flash backs”...
I see only memories, living them, I fight with everything I have in me...he pushes me down, holding my arms and the rest of me down, only contributing in further making those flashes real...
Only when he has me by the throat do I know what happens next... and I know I have nothing, that this is it and I remember the feeling of his hands around my throat.... the blackness seeping in from the back of my head... consuming all conscious thoughts...
Only then do I hear him calling out the wrong name... my school name... and realize that there are no hands on my throat... that I am in Salem, I am in my room, and that it is my 21year old 'room-mate' my "friend" my ‘sponsor’ the creepy lying ass hole who convinced me to come live with him who is in bed with me, on top of me, holding me down and shaking me like he's waking me from a dream...when I haven't slept for days.... god damn that sick fuck, both of them, I hope they both burn in their hell’s…
Anyway...
Back to the actual dream I had…
Xzedd and I were on some kind of trip with my mother… I think that is what was happening… because we were in a hotel. Xzedd and I in one room… my mother in another room, they were conjoined. Her room was like half a hotel room, half actually her room, and everything was really dark… and the bed she was on actually looked more like my bed. It was a dark wood head board, but it had her wedding quilt on it. The only difference was that it had stain-glass panels inlaid into it on the sides, in really beautiful colors, dark greens and shiny pearlescent creams. It was inlaid in some Nuevo style that she liked, that apparently I loved, and that she knew very well I coveted. I guess she didn’t know that Xzedd was there or pretended that she didn’t notice him, so I came into her room while she lay in bed, drunk and snoozing in the middle of the day… and I came to ask her about food for him or something essential that she had purposely overlooked to make things hard on him and she absolutely lost her mind over it. She started screaming and yelling and accusing me of hiding him when she knew very well that he had been there all along. I tried to be reasonable with her, to point out to her that she had in fact know that he was going to be coming along from the very beginning and that her decision to ignore him now was hurtful not only to him but to myself as well… She went absolutely out of her mind with rage, her face twisting and contorting into ugly, grotesque pictures of malice as she screamed obscenities until her face turned red, picking at all my soft spots and pushing all my buttons until I could no longer take her bullshit verbal abuse for something that was not simply my fault. I mentioned that if she did not settle down she was going to break her beautiful bed frame. Knowing how much I loved her bed she immediately turned and broke the panel nearest to her with her fists and grabbed an awkward shard and turned to hurl it at me. I dodged the flying piece of once beautiful art work and simply turned to leave; knowing that she was so drunk that she was acting like a four year old and a brat just made the entire fight completely stupid and pointless… the things she had said just to hurt me… breaking the beautiful Nuevo piece that I loved more than she did just because she knew that I loved it, also just to hurt me, it was all so stupid, and I knew the irony was that there was really nothing that I could do, even sober she would never admit to her stupidity, blame me for the broken glass, demand that I apologize for everything, point out that all of her thoughts on me were correct no matter how bias and opinionated and hateful her crude statements had been… and if I did not comply… she would take everything from me. It was just like things really are between us. So I knew I had nothing left, no other choice but to leave, to disappear… she was so far over stepping her bounds, I would never give her what she wanted to hear from me now, I would never validate all of her bullshit, not after being treated like that. I knew if I didn’t she would have nothing to do with me… so that was that… I had nothing left. Xzedd left because he didn’t want to deal with my mom. He left long before things got out of hand, didn’t even say goodbye. So I stalked down the steps of this fancy ass hotel like the time we stayed in Singapore with the laser keys, and I walked out the front door into some shit hole somewhere…. the hotel behind me gone… I was waiting for someone to come and pick me up, someone that I had called out my one time favor of… some girl acquaintance I barely knew... she happened to be in the area and I was only asking her to drive me out of this town and drop me off on another street corner somewhere else… she decided to take me somewhere she was going, I told her I didn’t care where… so she was on her way to get me. She didn’t ask many questions… she didn’t really care what was happening to me. She didn’t know anything of me and never really wanted to, she was just very social and liked to talk, some dirty blonde with blue eyes who was too self absorbed to notice what I looked like or ever listen to what I actually said to her. I was standing on this corner… a dirt block square that looked like a run down taxi hail in Puerto Rico or a buss stop without the buss stop sign… the roads were empty… and it was either really early or getting late, dawn or dusk… I looked out into the dirt paths that cars traveled on crossing all around this place… I watched them disappear into the distance… I was staring into the emptiness of my future and realizing this… and turning at a noise beside me, I almost thought to wonder what companion I would find who would be waiting here with me, be it bug or lizard or someone to brake the silence. I almost longed for someone to see this with me, to speak their minds on our pending journeys of travel into our empty futures… and then I saw who it was and my whole body froze like it was dropped into the negative million whatever degrees Kelvin of space… It was turtle….
As he approached me slowly, all I could do was look down in my petrified state of being… I saw the ground grow dark beneath him… and soft… at the edge of the patch we were standing on… I saw something like water appear… weird creatures swimming in it… and it sank like it was far, far away… as if you could see down into a chasm beneath us, just through this small crack between the patch we were on and the road, it was like a huge cliff. It was a hole now just big enough to fall through and down into these mysterious depths of the earth… the white trilobites were alive and scuttling to and fro among the deep dark blue and turquoise water… that came in waves of other deep and terrifying malicious evil colors, a dark magenta purple, a poisonous green…. and above this, at the edge of the cliff, night crawlers and other, darker things squirmed at the edge of the now soft and damp earth… I sank a little where I stood, like the ground I was on was in his control, as if at any moment he could conduct it to consume me and drag me into it’s dark depths. I turned my head slowly, mostly looking down still as he spoke to me… held out his hand and came closer to me… he called me by that pet-name I always hated… every step he took I saw called creatures up from the rank wet ground. Worms and slugs and leaches and weird black squirming things paired with bone white miniature trilobites that scuttled along, they would all come out and over his feet as he stepped toward me… I felt sick… like I was going to wretch violently… He had no sweet little voice going, no smirk, he was angry… he was going to punish me. He called the way he did when he talked about his mother trying to abort him and cocaine, in that psycho, if you dare appose my views I will make you wish you I had killed you tone. His walk was steady and with purpose… I could feel myself freezing more and more as he got near… as if in space… in two seconds when your whole body freezes over and then explodes and is torn apart by the extreme temperatures, lack of oxygen and the infinite vacuum of encompassing oblivion. As he approached, I saw the car in the distance racing toward me… completely un-conscious of what was actually happening to me… but racing none the less… I held my breath… and wondered if I would dare jump the chasm toward the car… or if I would just shut down, frozen and crying as he grabbed me and dragged me down into hell with him…
No… I would not let him do this to me this time… I decided… and as the car skidded to a sideways hockey- like stop in front of us I jumped… tore open the car door jumped inside and screamed at the driver to go….
He took off without questioning and in a manor that seemed vaguely familiar… but I didn’t care… I just slammed the door shut behind me and didn’t look back. I didn’t care that some guy was driving the car and not the girl I had expected it to be, I didn’t care that she was sitting in the seat in front of me laughing and making comments about how weird I was acting and how she wondered why I wasn’t responding to questions, I didn’t even care when I realized that it was Michael in the driver’s seat, having heard that I had called someone that he vaguely knew also and decided to come along to pretend that he cared about me just like he did before…I didn’t care if they dumped me in the middle of nowhere… just so long as we got as far away from where I had been standing as possible. As Michael just assumed his all-knowing position, when, as usual, he didn’t know a damn thing about it, so they laughed together and at me and I just tucked my knees into my chest, curled up in a corner of the car against the side-door and sobbed.