Bridge Baby
In my dream last night i was walking along the top of a bridge in the middle of the ocean durring something like a tsunami meets a hurricane.
It was a huge surreal bridge, like one made for monsters, or huge ships to travel on instead of cars.
It was set between two far away cities like, cities in different countries.
I rarely get vertigo in my dreams but walking along the top of this massive silver colored steel bridge looking down at the torrential waves of an ocean that seemed disproportionally huge as well, made me feel woozy.
Even though I had put myself there, even though I had walked onto that bridge and climbed to the top of it.
Looking down at the lights far below me traveling along this bridge, be they ships monsters or giant cars, they sped along as if the waves were not hitting the sides of this bridge so hard that it's supports shook. A perilous trembling that mixed with the vertigo nearly sent me tumbling over the side into an ocean that would clearly swallow me whole.
Though I knew very well it was the reason I was there. To do just that. I wasn't quite ready yet. It was as if I needed to reach a certain part of the bridge before I allowed that to happen...& I was determined to get there.
I wore a white sleeveless night gown long and flowing. Even soaked, in this wind it fluttered around me. I had long light colored hair that also fluttered all around me. My bear feet soaked up the cold from the metal of the bridge until even my bones ached with it... but I pressed on.. determined to reach a certain place in the bridge before I fell from it.
Why was I on that bridge in the middle of the night? Why was I so determined for this end on this night?
I knew nothing of it as I walked the length of the top of the bridge, only the determination, the devastation in my heart.
But I knew as I hit the water. The violent dark cold thrashing abyss..
Of all things, it was pregnancy.
Perhaps not unwanted but certainly unprepared pregnancy. & something about the circumstances that were too devastating and personal to recall.
The water beat it all out of me.
How we survived was anyone's guess.
Perhaps I was witnessed falling from the bridge and somehow I was retrieved before the water carried me off...
I remember nothing after hitting the water...
I awake in the darkness of a hotel or studio apartment. On a bed bathed in the dim light of a muted television set.
I start to turn over and nearly smother the baby who is fast asleep.
I haven't gotten used to her being outside of me yet.
I sit straight up in a panicked rush of adrenaline realizing that I could kill her with that kind of stupidity.
I look at the clock.
It's 2 in the morning.
She will be up in an hour wanting milk.
I feel myself swollen & know we will both be relieved.
I feel suddenly strange wondering how did we get to this hotel or wherever we were?
I check her breathing and her lips and know that she will need some water along with her meal as she is dehydrated.
It begins to really Irk me...
Us being stuffed up in this cheap hotel,
waking in the darkness by the dim light of the TV who's high pitched whine regardless of muted sound gives me a headache,
& having nowhere to put the baby but on the bed beside me. It was ridiculous.
I felt annoyed that I didn't even have a bassinet to keep her safely tucked into.
Who would take me here and leave me without even that, I thought to myself.
& then again... how did I even get here...
She stirred & I knew I needed to prepare a bottle of water.
I got up and noticed a phone beside me. I called & it was my mother...
Why was she up at this hour? Was it she who brought me there?
I mentioned the bassinet & she said she'd bring one by in the morning.
She asked me how the baby was doing and where I was on feeding her.
I suddenly felt there was something so wrong about this whole situation.
I got up to go look out the window, to see where I was... to try and remember what had happened..
I woke up and stood up from my bed... it was 4am.
I immediately turned around to check on the baby that wasn't there..
It was a huge surreal bridge, like one made for monsters, or huge ships to travel on instead of cars.
It was set between two far away cities like, cities in different countries.
I rarely get vertigo in my dreams but walking along the top of this massive silver colored steel bridge looking down at the torrential waves of an ocean that seemed disproportionally huge as well, made me feel woozy.
Even though I had put myself there, even though I had walked onto that bridge and climbed to the top of it.
Looking down at the lights far below me traveling along this bridge, be they ships monsters or giant cars, they sped along as if the waves were not hitting the sides of this bridge so hard that it's supports shook. A perilous trembling that mixed with the vertigo nearly sent me tumbling over the side into an ocean that would clearly swallow me whole.
Though I knew very well it was the reason I was there. To do just that. I wasn't quite ready yet. It was as if I needed to reach a certain part of the bridge before I allowed that to happen...& I was determined to get there.
I wore a white sleeveless night gown long and flowing. Even soaked, in this wind it fluttered around me. I had long light colored hair that also fluttered all around me. My bear feet soaked up the cold from the metal of the bridge until even my bones ached with it... but I pressed on.. determined to reach a certain place in the bridge before I fell from it.
Why was I on that bridge in the middle of the night? Why was I so determined for this end on this night?
I knew nothing of it as I walked the length of the top of the bridge, only the determination, the devastation in my heart.
But I knew as I hit the water. The violent dark cold thrashing abyss..
Of all things, it was pregnancy.
Perhaps not unwanted but certainly unprepared pregnancy. & something about the circumstances that were too devastating and personal to recall.
The water beat it all out of me.
How we survived was anyone's guess.
Perhaps I was witnessed falling from the bridge and somehow I was retrieved before the water carried me off...
I remember nothing after hitting the water...
I awake in the darkness of a hotel or studio apartment. On a bed bathed in the dim light of a muted television set.
I start to turn over and nearly smother the baby who is fast asleep.
I haven't gotten used to her being outside of me yet.
I sit straight up in a panicked rush of adrenaline realizing that I could kill her with that kind of stupidity.
I look at the clock.
It's 2 in the morning.
She will be up in an hour wanting milk.
I feel myself swollen & know we will both be relieved.
I feel suddenly strange wondering how did we get to this hotel or wherever we were?
I check her breathing and her lips and know that she will need some water along with her meal as she is dehydrated.
It begins to really Irk me...
Us being stuffed up in this cheap hotel,
waking in the darkness by the dim light of the TV who's high pitched whine regardless of muted sound gives me a headache,
& having nowhere to put the baby but on the bed beside me. It was ridiculous.
I felt annoyed that I didn't even have a bassinet to keep her safely tucked into.
Who would take me here and leave me without even that, I thought to myself.
& then again... how did I even get here...
She stirred & I knew I needed to prepare a bottle of water.
I got up and noticed a phone beside me. I called & it was my mother...
Why was she up at this hour? Was it she who brought me there?
I mentioned the bassinet & she said she'd bring one by in the morning.
She asked me how the baby was doing and where I was on feeding her.
I suddenly felt there was something so wrong about this whole situation.
I got up to go look out the window, to see where I was... to try and remember what had happened..
I woke up and stood up from my bed... it was 4am.
I immediately turned around to check on the baby that wasn't there..