entirely lost
they say that when the host of a virus becomes familiar with the virus it remembers the viruus and rmemebers how to expel the virus. the virus, therefore, constantly changes its appearence as to mask its indentity. keeps the host guessing. keeps him off balance.
enter the host. enter me. i have always been wrong. ive never been right. closest ive ever come to being right is not being wrong. or as my ex put it "not her fault, not mine, just is" parents would never let me be right. always was wrong by them. same with lauren, whenever we'd fight id always appologize. even if i knew i wasnt wrong. id been mentally conditioned by my parents for it. never right. always wrong. very few times was i actually right with her. yeah i made my mistakes. so did she. it was just mine always seemed bigger, and hers, smaller. so id hold on to that feeling of victory, knowing that i was right and she was wrong. a feeling i seldom got with her, and never got with my parents.
enter the virus. enter the world in which i stop being wrong and still end up with the shit-end of the stick, the end where i call the shots. my cousin, my brother and the tramp all appologize to me because i was right. never happened before. i forgive one because he is innocent. i forgive the other reluctantly because he is naieve. no one cares what happens to the tramp. roadkill for what i care. thats it though. that decision to forgive is one made from being in the seat of the wronged. me. i was wronged. and yet i still do all the work of deciding "where the situation goes" whether we will stay friends. my decision doesnt matter, fact is that i was forced to make one because i was right and he was wrong. and now, this. this confession from my ex that she was wrong in her method of handling things. embarassed by the way she handled everything. says "im sorry" point blank. im right. shes wrong. she admits it. flat out. and then, "its up to you whether you want to stay in contact with me" its my decision again. again the wronged is doing the legwork for everyone elses mistakes. my decision? thats looks so good on paper, but its such a lie. if it was truly "up to me" we would still be talking and i would have his blood. Case three. something is finally working out for me. no. too easy. the special lady and her friend argue. her and her friend, who is my best friend, argue, leaving me in the middle. fucked. "im sorry, i didnt mean for this. its up to you whether you want to persue this or avoid this" More responsibility as the offspring of someone who messed up is dropped on my shoulders. its in my court. I DONT EVEN OWN A FUCKIN COURT!!
All of this because i am right. im in the right and i still am getting fucked over. cant win. being wrong and being right both get me screwed. its funny really. when the wronged party, has to make a decison with regard to he who wronged him, its almost like a big power trip. this aura of "YOU WRONGED ME AND IM A BETTER PERSON BECAUSE I AM THE VICTIM, SO LET JUSTICE BE DONE!" it aint that fun really. its a misconception. a poor one. when it really counts its usually more like "you messed me up good and i guess this is what i have to do in order to protect myself. i hate this. i really do. so glad i was right....that was poor sarcasm. That is the virus. the virus is that which makes me damned until im right and then damned to be right. Im the host.
enter the host. enter me. i have always been wrong. ive never been right. closest ive ever come to being right is not being wrong. or as my ex put it "not her fault, not mine, just is" parents would never let me be right. always was wrong by them. same with lauren, whenever we'd fight id always appologize. even if i knew i wasnt wrong. id been mentally conditioned by my parents for it. never right. always wrong. very few times was i actually right with her. yeah i made my mistakes. so did she. it was just mine always seemed bigger, and hers, smaller. so id hold on to that feeling of victory, knowing that i was right and she was wrong. a feeling i seldom got with her, and never got with my parents.
enter the virus. enter the world in which i stop being wrong and still end up with the shit-end of the stick, the end where i call the shots. my cousin, my brother and the tramp all appologize to me because i was right. never happened before. i forgive one because he is innocent. i forgive the other reluctantly because he is naieve. no one cares what happens to the tramp. roadkill for what i care. thats it though. that decision to forgive is one made from being in the seat of the wronged. me. i was wronged. and yet i still do all the work of deciding "where the situation goes" whether we will stay friends. my decision doesnt matter, fact is that i was forced to make one because i was right and he was wrong. and now, this. this confession from my ex that she was wrong in her method of handling things. embarassed by the way she handled everything. says "im sorry" point blank. im right. shes wrong. she admits it. flat out. and then, "its up to you whether you want to stay in contact with me" its my decision again. again the wronged is doing the legwork for everyone elses mistakes. my decision? thats looks so good on paper, but its such a lie. if it was truly "up to me" we would still be talking and i would have his blood. Case three. something is finally working out for me. no. too easy. the special lady and her friend argue. her and her friend, who is my best friend, argue, leaving me in the middle. fucked. "im sorry, i didnt mean for this. its up to you whether you want to persue this or avoid this" More responsibility as the offspring of someone who messed up is dropped on my shoulders. its in my court. I DONT EVEN OWN A FUCKIN COURT!!
All of this because i am right. im in the right and i still am getting fucked over. cant win. being wrong and being right both get me screwed. its funny really. when the wronged party, has to make a decison with regard to he who wronged him, its almost like a big power trip. this aura of "YOU WRONGED ME AND IM A BETTER PERSON BECAUSE I AM THE VICTIM, SO LET JUSTICE BE DONE!" it aint that fun really. its a misconception. a poor one. when it really counts its usually more like "you messed me up good and i guess this is what i have to do in order to protect myself. i hate this. i really do. so glad i was right....that was poor sarcasm. That is the virus. the virus is that which makes me damned until im right and then damned to be right. Im the host.