The Monsters in my Closet.
This weekend I did a lot of thinking about my priorities. I don't think I can continue the way I've been living, even if it's living the most accordingly to my principles. I'm 21 years old, and this is not where I want to be in my life. Yet, I don't think I'll find someone who lives up to my expectations. Not anytime soon, anyway. I should say that I'm not looking to get married or anything. Not yet. I wouldn't get married until I was at least 25, and that's early. I do want someone to be with me, though. To take care of me when I'm sick, to worry about me and do things with me. I want someone to love, and someone to love me. So do I do the whole "21" thing in the meantime? This weekend I had fun, and only felt depressed in those in-between moments when I really missed Brad. Maybe I can do this "21" thing. I can at least act it til I feel it, right? I feel like putting all my stuffed animals away, along with all my photos and silly things that bring out that soft part of myself that I don't think I can handle right now.
(...edit...)
I think presently I just need to focus on training myself not to care. I've been accused of having no levity in my life, which I am seeking to amend. I did well this weekend, I think. I'm starting to think it's okay to seek out the company of others, even if they don't perfectly fit into my expectations of what makes a "good" person. Hell, I'm still working on that myself. I'm also trying to "get over myself" in a sense, to not be embarassed or afraid to approach and open up to people. I shouldn't be afraid of just having fun, of shrugging something off my shoulders, and doing what I feel, instead of obsessing about what I think is "right." It's become paralyzing and antiproductive, particularly in the case of my relationship with Brad. There are a lot of things I'd do over again, based on that principle alone.
(...edit...)
Sometimes people accuse me of being "too deep" as well. I'm not deep. I'm just nuanced. Currently my thoughts won't let me sleep. It's a strange indescribable fear, almost panic, that if I just fall asleep that something will slip between my hands and I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I'm constantly thinking of what's the "right" thing to do, and that if I don't think of it now, it will be too late. It's a terrible feeling. That's why I've been drinking so much--it permits me to sleep. Only for a few hours though, because once 3 AM comes around again, I wake up to sit on my couch and watch infomercials, because nothing else is on in the morning. Maybe I need to take sleeping pills, but I'd probably be too afraid to take them. To be afraid to sleep--what an awful neurosis.
I miss my bear. I look at his picture in my snowglobe and think back to a year ago. I remember the exact moment I fell in love with him, a mental image forever imprinted on my mind. I miss his long hair, the particular gait he adopted when he saw me walking towards him, and how he used to smile at me when I came into work. In these past few months, I had almost forgotten about how magical things were between us last summer. I would give anything in the world to have those feelings wash over me again, on his sailboat, on the beach, in his kiss. He was my big, strong, loyal and protective bear, and I loved him.
Jeff and Dan.
Cool one of Jeff.
Jeff and Dan being silly.
Some dude Maxwell from high school I don't remember.
Brian on the golf cart.
Everything's a blur on a 20+ mph golf cart.
Being hungover+driving at 7 AM+having an allergic reaction+really bad traffic=
something like this.
(...edit...)
I think presently I just need to focus on training myself not to care. I've been accused of having no levity in my life, which I am seeking to amend. I did well this weekend, I think. I'm starting to think it's okay to seek out the company of others, even if they don't perfectly fit into my expectations of what makes a "good" person. Hell, I'm still working on that myself. I'm also trying to "get over myself" in a sense, to not be embarassed or afraid to approach and open up to people. I shouldn't be afraid of just having fun, of shrugging something off my shoulders, and doing what I feel, instead of obsessing about what I think is "right." It's become paralyzing and antiproductive, particularly in the case of my relationship with Brad. There are a lot of things I'd do over again, based on that principle alone.
(...edit...)
Sometimes people accuse me of being "too deep" as well. I'm not deep. I'm just nuanced. Currently my thoughts won't let me sleep. It's a strange indescribable fear, almost panic, that if I just fall asleep that something will slip between my hands and I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I'm constantly thinking of what's the "right" thing to do, and that if I don't think of it now, it will be too late. It's a terrible feeling. That's why I've been drinking so much--it permits me to sleep. Only for a few hours though, because once 3 AM comes around again, I wake up to sit on my couch and watch infomercials, because nothing else is on in the morning. Maybe I need to take sleeping pills, but I'd probably be too afraid to take them. To be afraid to sleep--what an awful neurosis.
I miss my bear. I look at his picture in my snowglobe and think back to a year ago. I remember the exact moment I fell in love with him, a mental image forever imprinted on my mind. I miss his long hair, the particular gait he adopted when he saw me walking towards him, and how he used to smile at me when I came into work. In these past few months, I had almost forgotten about how magical things were between us last summer. I would give anything in the world to have those feelings wash over me again, on his sailboat, on the beach, in his kiss. He was my big, strong, loyal and protective bear, and I loved him.
Jeff and Dan.
Cool one of Jeff.
Jeff and Dan being silly.
Some dude Maxwell from high school I don't remember.
Brian on the golf cart.
Everything's a blur on a 20+ mph golf cart.
Being hungover+driving at 7 AM+having an allergic reaction+really bad traffic=
something like this.