Solitude and Waste.
Brad and I have broken up and I'm very disappointed. For the past week, everyday, several times a day, I've written private entries about how I've been feeling better about us and how I was hopeful about the future. But the weekend came and went and brought misery with it. It's been a terrible cycle these past few months of hopefulness followed by moments of doubt and disappointment. Any optimism that either of us possessed soon came crashing down at the slightest hint of a defeated disposition, which, for the past month or so, Brad has been almost exclusively feeling.
I feel...awful, to say the least. All I want in life is to love and be loved, and it's Brad I want to be loved by. I feel lousy about myself, that no matter what I do, how I change, or how I act, it's still not enough to make Brad happy or make Brad want to change. Lately I've been feeling like I'm not worth the effort. All those little neurotic tests I did at the beginning of our relationship that constantly flirted with us breaking up is what I'm paying the price for now. And now, when I know I want and need him, I've done too much damage. I'm such a fool. It's that drive I possess to love and be loved that spurs my neurosis, that is, my need for "tests" that make people worry about me, just to see if they care. I thought I had gotten rid of it, but hadn't, and now I am paying the price.
Why is it just when you become the person you want to be, the person you want to be with wants to leave? All that work is wasted now in my solitude. Sharing is what makes life worth living, or as I've said in previous entries, a shared dream. Here is my dream now: To love and be loved, to be kind, and to have my own little pocket tucked away from the rest of the world where I can live that dream far away from the terrible realities and sharp cynicisms of other people.
I feel...awful, to say the least. All I want in life is to love and be loved, and it's Brad I want to be loved by. I feel lousy about myself, that no matter what I do, how I change, or how I act, it's still not enough to make Brad happy or make Brad want to change. Lately I've been feeling like I'm not worth the effort. All those little neurotic tests I did at the beginning of our relationship that constantly flirted with us breaking up is what I'm paying the price for now. And now, when I know I want and need him, I've done too much damage. I'm such a fool. It's that drive I possess to love and be loved that spurs my neurosis, that is, my need for "tests" that make people worry about me, just to see if they care. I thought I had gotten rid of it, but hadn't, and now I am paying the price.
Why is it just when you become the person you want to be, the person you want to be with wants to leave? All that work is wasted now in my solitude. Sharing is what makes life worth living, or as I've said in previous entries, a shared dream. Here is my dream now: To love and be loved, to be kind, and to have my own little pocket tucked away from the rest of the world where I can live that dream far away from the terrible realities and sharp cynicisms of other people.