If two guys kiss in the woods, and there's no one else around, is it still gay?aggybirdApril 7 2009, 21:47:55 UTC
Jensen comes back from the outdoor rec store with a hand crank lantern, a box of camping rations and snack bars, and a two-person sleeping bag. And there are still more bags to unload in the car.
Jared wanders out of their kitchen, eating an apple. "Dude," he says, eyeing the growing collection in the hall. "I told you not to watch that Man vs. Wild marathon."
Jensen sets down his brand new portable Coleman Propane Dual Burner Stove and says, "Shut up, bitch. We are going camping."
----
"I dunno," Jared says doubtfully a couple hours later as he watches Jensen practice setting up the tent in their backyard. "Camping? In Yellowstone? Why don't we just go golfing or something?"
"We already did that," Jensen reminds him. "C'mon, I loved camping when I was little. Didn't you go camping when you were a kid?"
"Well, yeah," Jared says. "In my backyard. Are we sure we're ready for the full-on wilderness experience? I haven't watched any Man vs. Wild episodes, dude. And Sadie and Harley are the closest we've come to wild animals in a while."
"We're Texas boys," Jensen says. "We can do this."
"There are bears in the woods," Jared says, as though suddenly remembering. "Fucking bears, Jensen."
"Fucking bears," Jensen says, leering. "Now that could be entertaining."
Jared folds his arms over his chest and tries to keep scowling, but the corners of his mouth twitch. "Not funny. Man, why don't we go skiing instead? Or to the Bahamas? Someplace with a hotel and videogames. And power outlets."
"It'll be fine," Jensen says. "It's not a big deal. We can rough it like real men, not pansy gay-married TV actors from Vancouver."
"Bears," Jared repeats flatly. "They're the number one threat to America, Jensen."
Jensen rolls his eyes. "You know the Colbert Report isn't real, Jared."
"Bears are real," Jared says.
----
In the end, it takes three blowjobs to get Jared to agree, and Jensen's jaw is fucking sore, but they're going camping. They're gonna roast marshmallows, and snuggle together in a giant sleeping bag, and watch the stars come out away from the city lights, and it's going to be awesome.
----
It's not awesome.
"Didn’t you check the weather?" Jared whines as he paws through his backpack. Jensen knows he ate the last snack bar hours ago as they hiked through the woods, lugging their gear.
"Yes," Jensen grits out. "It didn't say God was gonna open his fly and piss all over the place."
Jared grunts. "And I can't believe you forgot the bug spray," he accuses, smacking at his neck. "I'm getting eaten alive! I thought you had this shit planned!"
"Quit being a baby, Padalecki," Jensen says, scratching at a bite on his arm. "Or we're not having hot, woodsy sex tonight."
Jared turns a baleful eye on him. "Are you kidding me? We're not having sex out here. I'll probably get poison ivy on my ass!"
"It'd go with the pimples," Jensen grumbles.
This is not the romantic, rustic retreat he'd envisioned.
----
They manage to set up camp, but it's a lot harder in the rain and dark than it was in their backyard, and Jensen swears when he hammers his thumb instead of the tent stake.
"This sucks," Jared says. "Next time I pick the vacation. And you're not invited."
Jensen sort of agrees with him.
He stares at the useless propane burner they lugged through the woods and leaves the uncooked hamburger meat next to it, along with the bag of soggy marshmallows.
Jared took the propane tank out to make room for more snacks. And Jensen doubts they could get a fire going in the rain, anyway.
Re: If two guys kiss in the woods, and there's no one else around, is it still gay? 2/2aggybirdApril 7 2009, 21:49:58 UTC
Jensen is woken by someone poking frantically at his side.
"Jensen, Jensen, JensenJensenJensen," Jared hisses, each syllable punctuated by a jabbing finger.
"The hell?" Jensen says groggily.
"Jensen, oh shit, Jensen, is that you?"
"Is what me?" Jensen says, struggling to sit up.
He hears a low, snuffling nose from somewhere nearby and freezes.
"That," Jared says.
"Jared," Jensen says, his eyes going wide. "I'm awake. How can that be me?"
"Oh shit," Jared says.
----
It's a bear.
----
It's a really big fucking bear.
----
Jensen and Jared both learn that they can climb a tree very quickly with the proper motivation.
They're wedged together between the V of a sturdy branch and the tree trunk, their legs dangling in the air, as the bear scratches the base of the tree. Eventually, it gets bored and wanders over to their campsite; they watch it eat the raw hamburger meat (Oops, thinks Jensen) and enter their tent. It barely fits inside.
They're both panting heavily, and Jared's arms are wrapped tight around Jensen, his face pressed against the top of Jensen's head.
"You never get to mock Stephen Colbert again," Jared says eventually.
"Shut up," Jensen says, clinging back. "This bark's digging into my ass."
----
"We're not going to tell anyone about this," Jensen says hours later as they watch the bear systematically destroy their campsite. It's chewing on a pair of Jensen's boxers.
"What happens in Wyoming stays in Wyoming," Jared agrees wearily.
----
Slumped together watching the sun come up as a man-eating bear roams below, Jared kisses Jensen and says fondly, "I love you, you fucking freak. Can we never do this again?"
It's the best part of the trip.
----
"All right," Jared says. "Tent?"
"Check."
"Sleeping bag?"
"Check."
"Remote control?"
"Check?"
"Pizza?"
"Check," Jensen says.
"Awesome," Jared says, snuggling down on his stomach beside Jensen in the sleeping bag. They have the tent set up in the living room with the flap open so they can see the movie playing on the TV.
"I like this better than Yellowstone," Jensen says, pressing a soft kiss to Jared's naked shoulder.
"Yeah," Jared says. "No bears. Just twinks." He pinches Jensen's ass.
Re: If two guys kiss in the woods, and there's no one else around, is it still gay? 2/2arabella_hopeApril 7 2009, 22:11:30 UTC
OMG, thier bantering is AMAZING and glorious and other big, descriptive words. I am so so very in love with this fic, I can see it happening JUST like this.
Jared wanders out of their kitchen, eating an apple. "Dude," he says, eyeing the growing collection in the hall. "I told you not to watch that Man vs. Wild marathon."
Jensen sets down his brand new portable Coleman Propane Dual Burner Stove and says, "Shut up, bitch. We are going camping."
----
"I dunno," Jared says doubtfully a couple hours later as he watches Jensen practice setting up the tent in their backyard. "Camping? In Yellowstone? Why don't we just go golfing or something?"
"We already did that," Jensen reminds him. "C'mon, I loved camping when I was little. Didn't you go camping when you were a kid?"
"Well, yeah," Jared says. "In my backyard. Are we sure we're ready for the full-on wilderness experience? I haven't watched any Man vs. Wild episodes, dude. And Sadie and Harley are the closest we've come to wild animals in a while."
"We're Texas boys," Jensen says. "We can do this."
"There are bears in the woods," Jared says, as though suddenly remembering. "Fucking bears, Jensen."
"Fucking bears," Jensen says, leering. "Now that could be entertaining."
Jared folds his arms over his chest and tries to keep scowling, but the corners of his mouth twitch. "Not funny. Man, why don't we go skiing instead? Or to the Bahamas? Someplace with a hotel and videogames. And power outlets."
"It'll be fine," Jensen says. "It's not a big deal. We can rough it like real men, not pansy gay-married TV actors from Vancouver."
"Bears," Jared repeats flatly. "They're the number one threat to America, Jensen."
Jensen rolls his eyes. "You know the Colbert Report isn't real, Jared."
"Bears are real," Jared says.
----
In the end, it takes three blowjobs to get Jared to agree, and Jensen's jaw is fucking sore, but they're going camping. They're gonna roast marshmallows, and snuggle together in a giant sleeping bag, and watch the stars come out away from the city lights, and it's going to be awesome.
----
It's not awesome.
"Didn’t you check the weather?" Jared whines as he paws through his backpack. Jensen knows he ate the last snack bar hours ago as they hiked through the woods, lugging their gear.
"Yes," Jensen grits out. "It didn't say God was gonna open his fly and piss all over the place."
Jared grunts. "And I can't believe you forgot the bug spray," he accuses, smacking at his neck. "I'm getting eaten alive! I thought you had this shit planned!"
"Quit being a baby, Padalecki," Jensen says, scratching at a bite on his arm. "Or we're not having hot, woodsy sex tonight."
Jared turns a baleful eye on him. "Are you kidding me? We're not having sex out here. I'll probably get poison ivy on my ass!"
"It'd go with the pimples," Jensen grumbles.
This is not the romantic, rustic retreat he'd envisioned.
----
They manage to set up camp, but it's a lot harder in the rain and dark than it was in their backyard, and Jensen swears when he hammers his thumb instead of the tent stake.
"This sucks," Jared says. "Next time I pick the vacation. And you're not invited."
Jensen sort of agrees with him.
He stares at the useless propane burner they lugged through the woods and leaves the uncooked hamburger meat next to it, along with the bag of soggy marshmallows.
Jared took the propane tank out to make room for more snacks. And Jensen doubts they could get a fire going in the rain, anyway.
----
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"Jensen, Jensen, JensenJensenJensen," Jared hisses, each syllable punctuated by a jabbing finger.
"The hell?" Jensen says groggily.
"Jensen, oh shit, Jensen, is that you?"
"Is what me?" Jensen says, struggling to sit up.
He hears a low, snuffling nose from somewhere nearby and freezes.
"That," Jared says.
"Jared," Jensen says, his eyes going wide. "I'm awake. How can that be me?"
"Oh shit," Jared says.
----
It's a bear.
----
It's a really big fucking bear.
----
Jensen and Jared both learn that they can climb a tree very quickly with the proper motivation.
They're wedged together between the V of a sturdy branch and the tree trunk, their legs dangling in the air, as the bear scratches the base of the tree. Eventually, it gets bored and wanders over to their campsite; they watch it eat the raw hamburger meat (Oops, thinks Jensen) and enter their tent. It barely fits inside.
They're both panting heavily, and Jared's arms are wrapped tight around Jensen, his face pressed against the top of Jensen's head.
"You never get to mock Stephen Colbert again," Jared says eventually.
"Shut up," Jensen says, clinging back. "This bark's digging into my ass."
----
"We're not going to tell anyone about this," Jensen says hours later as they watch the bear systematically destroy their campsite. It's chewing on a pair of Jensen's boxers.
"What happens in Wyoming stays in Wyoming," Jared agrees wearily.
----
Slumped together watching the sun come up as a man-eating bear roams below, Jared kisses Jensen and says fondly, "I love you, you fucking freak. Can we never do this again?"
It's the best part of the trip.
----
"All right," Jared says. "Tent?"
"Check."
"Sleeping bag?"
"Check."
"Remote control?"
"Check?"
"Pizza?"
"Check," Jensen says.
"Awesome," Jared says, snuggling down on his stomach beside Jensen in the sleeping bag. They have the tent set up in the living room with the flap open so they can see the movie playing on the TV.
"I like this better than Yellowstone," Jensen says, pressing a soft kiss to Jared's naked shoulder.
"Yeah," Jared says. "No bears. Just twinks." He pinches Jensen's ass.
"Fucking hate you," Jensen says.
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I love their banter and their need to be MANLY TEXAN MEN!
p.s. "bears are real." best line. :)
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so freakin funny and awesome!
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