Drifting Through Doorways Chapter 5
“The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.”
― Philip K. Dick, VALIS
V.
Friday, October 25
Jared was remarkably comfortable. Jensen lay pressed against him as usual, and Jared kept his eyes shut and just enjoyed feeling Jensen breathing next to him. When he’d fallen asleep, his arms had been wrapped around a cold pillow of questionable cleanliness and now his arms encircled warm, living flesh. Jared made a happy little “mmm” sound and pulled Jensen closer. After a few moments Jared dared to open his eyes and looked down at the man in his arms. Jensen was still flushed from his earlier administrations and Jared had forgotten how gorgeous a post-coital Jensen was. Is, Jared corrected in his mind.
Light from the window flooded the bedroom window and bathed the room in an early morning glow, despite the fact that Jared knew he’d only just fallen asleep. I’ve got to be dreaming, he decided.
Jared allowed himself to touch. He trailed his fingers up over Jensen’s chest and then rested his hand against Jensen’s cheek. Leaning over, Jared covered Jensen’s mouth with his own and kissed him gently. Jensen’s eyes fluttered open and he smiled at Jared before his eyes went wide.
“Holy shit, you’re here!” he exclaimed as he started to flail. Jensen flopped backwards, away from Jared, until he reached the edge of the bed and went over in a pile of sheets and blankets. Jared stared in amusement as Jensen pulled himself back up just enough to peer over the mattress at Jared.
“Ow,” he complained, and then, “Oh wait, that didn’t hurt. I’m dreaming, aren’t I?” Jensen pulled himself up to his knees and looked around. “Yeah, I’m definitely dreaming. It’s the walls.” Jensen pointed at the walls as if this should make perfect sense. Jared looked at the walls, confused.
“What’s wrong with the walls?” he asked. Jared squinted at them, just to make sure they weren’t melting or some such nonsense. “Um, the walls look normal, Jen.”
Jensen wrinkled his nose. “Ugh, don’t call me Jen. Reminds me too much of Jen-Jen.”
“What the hell is Jen-Jen?” Jared wanted to know. Jensen sneered when Jared said the name.
“My ex, Jennifer, though it was cute. It wasn’t.”
Jared wondered how dating worked in the afterlife, and felt an incredible rush of jealousy. If Jensen had moved on and was dating all sorts of people, dating women, why was he back here? Why was he haunting Jared? Jensen’s gaze fell on Jared’s expression and he smirked.
“Yeah, I thought it sucked too,” he said, “but that’s not the point. Point is, my walls are blue, not grey.”
“Pretty sure we painted them this color when we moved in, Jen,” Jared said, and then winced because Jensen had just asked him not to call him that. Jared pushed himself up into a sitting position and then climbed out of bed. He walked to the other side and extended his hand to help Jensen back to his feet.
Jensen accepted the help, grabbing Jared’s hand to gain leverage to pull himself up and still hold the sheets around his middle. Jared’s eyes widened.
“You sleep in the nude?” Jared asked, amazed. His Jensen would never have slept naked, even after mind-blowing sex. Having a naked Jensen standing in front of him did all sorts of things for Jared’s libido, and he let his eyes travel up and down Jensen’s body. A soft blush appeared on Jensen’s face and started to seep down his neck onto his chest.
“Yeah, actually, I do,” he said, clutching the bundle of sheets tighter. “It’s, uh, more comfortable, you know? I’m kind of a restless sleeper and I hate when my pajamas get all twisted up. So, naked, unless my bed partner objects.” Jensen’s expression darkened a bit, and Jared wondered what he was remembering. Certainly Jared wouldn’t have ever objected to Jensen sleeping naked next to him.
“God, Jensen,” Jared sighed, unable to stand a naked Jensen in front of him anymore and not touch. He reached out and pulled him close. Jensen gave a small, startled sound and dropped the sheets he’d been holding. Jared wished that he’d had the foresight to sleep naked as well, so he could have felt Jensen against him from chest to hip, skin to skin. Still, it was more than Jared had ever expected to have again and he leaned in and captured Jensen’s mouth with his own.
He felt Jensen respond and press closer. Jared tightened his arms and let the kiss overtake his senses. Jensen’s name played itself like a hallelujah chorus on repeat in his mind, until finally he felt Jensen trying to push him away. The heels of Jensen’s hands pressed firmly against Jared’s shoulders and Jared, not being a rapist, allowed him to escape his grasp. Jensen moved back a step.
“Jared,” Jensen breathed. He lifted his hands and rested them on Jared’s chest, fingers splayed. “I don’t know who you think I am, but I don’t know you, and you don’t know me.”
Jared’s stomach twisted up and he felt himself literally deflate. It felt like losing Jensen all over again. His shoulders slumped and his arms dropped to his sides. Despite the state of Jensen’s undress, Jared felt that he was the naked one here. Jensen had just sliced him open from groin to neck and he was exposed. Jared didn’t know what to say.
“Jensen, I,” he started, but the words faltered and he turned away.
“Hey, wait, Jared,” Jensen said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Hey, um, do I have any clothes here? I kind of feel a little, well, naked.”
Jared shook his head. “No. I gave them all to goodwill a few months back. Chad talked me into it - convinced me that it was part of the moving on process.”
Jared saw Jensen visibly shudder. “Okay, Jared, rule one: Stop talking about me like I’m dead. I’m not dead, and it’s freaking me out.” Jared’s hands physically ached to touch Jensen again, but he knew it would not be welcome and he restrained himself. He could follow Jensen’s rule. After all, it wasn’t like Jared liked to acknowledge that Jensen had been killed. If Jensen wanted to go on as if he were alive, who was Jared to stop him?
Jared bit his lip, logic flying in the face of all he’d just tried to convince himself of. Fact was, Jensen was dead. Dead, buried and up until yesterday resting in peace up in Dallas, as far as Jared knew. He couldn’t just pretend it didn’t happen.
“If this is just a dream, couldn’t you just, I don’t know, wish for clothing or something?” Jared asked, and recognized how sad, how defeated his voice sounded.
“Good point,” Jensen said. He walked away from Jared to stand next to the wall, and Jared couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering. Jensen had definitely gotten less shy since Jared knew him. It messed with his mind a little. Jensen knocked on the wall three times, good solid knocks and said,” Can I have my apartment please?” Jared wondered who Jensen thought he was talking to, and then, to his amazement, the walls shimmered and changed color. The grey faded and gave way to a soft, pale blue that made Jared feel oddly cold.
“What the hell?” Jared asked, looking around. Jensen laughed and opened his closet, but Jared didn’t pay any attention to the clothing that Jensen started pulling on. He was too busy taking in the completely different furnishings that now filled the bedroom. The bed was still king-sized, but it was a completely different style, a four poster bed with classic lines where Jared’s bedroom furniture was a bit more blocky, a bit more homey. It looked like a spread in a home and garden magazine and Jared knew there was no way the Jensen he knew could put together a room like this.
His Jensen. This Jensen. Jared realized with a start that he was starting to think of them as two different people and astonishingly, that made it hurt a little less. Jared turned his attention to Jensen
“Maybe you should take a picture,” Jensen muttered over his shoulder in the direction Jared was standing.
“Oh, I have pictures,” Jared smirked, remembering the one time he’d convinced Jensen to shed both clothes and inhibitions for a private photo shoot using Jared’s digital camera. There may or may not have been quite a bit of alcohol involved.
“What - what kind of pictures?” Jensen asked, his eyes wide and his mouth going a little slack. Jared couldn’t resist. He walked over to Jensen and wrapped his arms around Jensen’s middle. Impulsively, Jared leaned in and kissed Jensen again. Once again, Jensen started to reciprocate the kiss before pulling away.
“You can’t just kiss me like that, Jared,” Jensen said, sounding both perplexed and aggravated. His eyes darted back and forth, like he expected Jared to get angry.
“Yeah, okay,” Jared said, his voice soft. “I know, you don’t know me. God, it must be like kissing a stranger.”
“It’s not,” Jensen said quickly. “It’s not at all like kissing a stranger, but it should be. Just, take it slow, Jared. I don’t understand what’s going on here, or why you think you know me. I don’t know why my subconscious is fucking with me like this.”
“Jensen, I’m not a delusion or a hallucination,” Jared said. “Rule number two: You have to stop referring to me as if I’m some sort of mental breakdown. I’m not. Chad’s coming by tomorrow. We’re going to get this worked out, okay?”
“Yeah, you and Chad Michael Murray, the actor,” Jensen’s voice bordered on incredulous.
“Chad’s not an actor,” Jared chuckled. “I mean, yeah, he thought about heading out to Los Angeles after he graduated high school but his Mom and Dad talked him into going to school first. He’s a kindergarten teacher now. I think he does a great job of it mainly because he and those kids have the same mentality. Where did you go tonight?”
“Go?” Jensen asked, obviously confused by the change of subject. Jared nodded.
“Yeah, after our conversation - it felt like you left.”
“Oh, yeah, I went to the library,” Jensen said, and actually looked guilty for it. “Jared, I don’t want to break rule number two, but I looked up what could cause auditory hallucinations and strange dreams.”
Jared’s eyes narrowed. “And? What did you find out?”
Jensen rolled his eyes. “Nothing good. Nothing I think I have. I don’t really think I’m going mad, but there you are.” Jensen’s eyes seemed focused on Jared’s mouth, and when Jared licked his lips, Jensen’s eyes went just a little dark. Jared was just about to ask if he could kiss Jensen again when Jensen asked a question.
“How do you know me, Jared? Assuming I’m not imagining you. You say I’m your husband, but how?”
Jared reached out and grabbed Jensen’s hand. “I don’t know if this will work, but I can try and show you how we met. You were working at Voltage Village up by Braker Lane. That’s where I met you.”
“Voltage Village?” Jensen raised an eyebrow and Jared had to stifle a grin. “What the hell is Voltage Village?”
“You don’t remember Voltage Village?” Jared asked, amazed. Apparently Jensen didn’t remember much of anything about his life. Jared hoped to rectify that. Maybe then Jensen could go into the light, and Jared would be magically better. He’d always love Jensen, he knew that, but maybe he could go on living as if the best part of himself hadn’t died on a cold tile floor one year ago. Jared shook his head. Now was not the time for thoughts like that. Right now he had to help Jensen.
“Voltage Village - well it’s not there anymore. They went out of business a couple of years ago. You worked there until the store closed.”
“Really? Was it when I was in college?” Jensen sounded amused by the entire conversation, but Jared was confused.
“Jensen, you didn’t go to college,” he said.
“Pretty sure I did,” Jensen said, sounding a little irritated and more than a little sarcastic. “Otherwise my clients aren’t going to be too happy once they find out."
“Clients? What do you do?”
“I’m a freelance architect,” Jensen said. “Well, hopefully not freelance for too long but for now, I’m freelancing."
“That’s awesome,” Jared said with a wide grin. He hoped it hid the sudden stab in his gut. It was hard to imagine his Jensen going to college, graduating and doing something with his degree. His Jensen had wanted to, and had tried many times to go to school or hold down a job, but in the end he just couldn’t do either for much longer than six months at a time. He’d wanted to do something artistic and had always been fascinated by architecture, but for some reason he just couldn’t stick with it. Jared had tried to convince Jensen to get tested for Attention Deficit Disorder, but Jensen had stubbornly refused. And now, somehow, Jensen had achieved in his afterlife what he could never achieve in life. It struck Jared as cosmically unfair.
He looked at Jensen then, and started to wonder if this was really his Jensen at all. He had to be, didn’t he? He talked and moved the same. He still looked out at the world from those arresting green eyes; still had the same freckles lightly dotting his skin. But there were differences as well. This Jensen seemed more comfortable in his skin and moved with just a touch more confidence.
“Um, Jared,” Jensen said, lifting a hand and rubbing the back of his neck. “You’re kind of staring at me again.”
“Sorry,” Jared said, purposefully averting his eyes. Jensen laughed.
“You can look at me, Jared,” he said. “It’s just weird when you start staring.” And then, completely unexpectedly, Jared felt Jensen press his lips to his. It was chaste and over quick, and when Jared settled wide eyes on Jensen, he saw that Jensen looked unsure.
“Sorry,” Jensen said. “I don’t know why I did that. I just wanted to, I guess. Kind of hypocritical, after rule number one-“
“Okay, rule number three,” Jared interrupted with a smile that felt like his face was going to split in half, “you can kiss me whenever you want to.”
“I like that rule,” Jensen said, and leaned in for another dry, quick kiss. “Now, I think you wanted to show me something.” Jensen’s voice hit that low rumble that settled deep in Jared’s belly and he only wanted to show Jensen to the bed, but he steeled his resolve.
“Yeah, um, I did,” Jared managed. He stood there for a moment, thinking, and then decided that if it worked for Jensen it should work for him. He walked over to the wall and knocked on it three times. “Um, Voltage Village, when we met please?” Jared felt his face grow hot in embarrassment, because if nothing happened-
The scenery shifted and changed like watercolors in rain, and Jared found himself standing in the parking lot of Voltage Village next to Jensen. Jared was still in his pajamas, but he figured since it was a dream it really didn’t matter. His breath caught when he saw himself a few yards away, getting out of his SUV and walking toward the store. He blinked and then felt something tug on him, pulling him toward that other self. He felt his limbs stretch and elongate and before he could plant his feet and refuse to move he was sucked into his other self, and it was August of 2006, and Jared’s life was about to change.
(August, 2006)
Jared stepped out of his SUV and pulled his shades on. He grinned, feeling stupidly like the detectives in those ridiculous cop shows. The Texas sun was brutal and he felt sweat prickle his skin almost instantly. He wiped his hands on his jeans and hurried toward the sliding glass doors of the store and the beautiful, glorious air conditioning that waited inside. He’d parked further away from the store than he’d liked, but it had been under a tree and in Texas in summer, shade was prime real estate. He only hoped he wouldn’t return to a car covered in bird crap, because that was one of the only drawbacks of parking in the shade. It was a risk he was willing to take.
Jared breathed a sigh of relief as he stepped inside the building that housed Voltage Village. It wasn’t a great electronics and music store, but it was the one closest to his job and Jared was on his lunch break. Looking around, Jared saw that he was one of maybe three customers in the store. He headed for the music section. Mom’s birthday was coming up and he wanted to get her something to add to her music collection. She hadn’t jumped on the digital music trend (yet) and so Jared was stuck buying an actual CD for her. Jared stopped in front of the section labeled Adult Contemporary and tried to figure out if that meant easy listening or elevator music or what.
He must have been staring a while when he heard a soft, “Excuse me Sir, can I help you find something?” Jared turned around and smiled shyly, but then he froze when he saw the person standing there offering help. His name tag said Jensen with gold lettering on a black background that stood out against the silly blue Voltage Village polo shirt he wore, but what caught Jared’s attention were his eyes and the delicious sprinkling of caramel colored freckles across the bridge of his nose. Jared wanted to lick them, count them, just anything them, really. He was surprised at himself. Jared couldn’t remember having such an intense initial reaction to anyone, and he determined then and there that if there was even a chance that Jensen was available, was gay, he was going to have him.
“Do you have Paul Simon’s latest release? Am I even in the right section?” Jared asked. He waved at the selection of CDs in front of him disinterestedly. Jensen smiled as if he was trying not to, and Jared noticed how the corners of his eyes crinkled ever so slightly. God, Jensen took his breath away. Jensen looked Jared up and down.
“Paul Simon huh? Wouldn’t have pegged you for a fan. Neil Diamond - maybe, but not Paul Simon.”
Jared’s face flamed red, or at least felt as if it did. “Um, it’s for my Mom, actually. Her birthday.”
Jensen laughed and Jared thought he could fall in love with a laugh like that. It took It took two minutes for Jensen to point Jared in the right direction and walk away, leaving Jared to stare at his options. He pulled the slip of paper he’d written the album title on and thumbed through the CDS only to discover that Voltage Village, surprise surprise, didn’t have the one CD he was looking for.
“Dammit,” he muttered.
“Don’t have it, huh?” Jensen asked. Startled, Jared turned to face the man he’d seen walk away. Jared shook his head, trying to find his words.
“Okay, don’t tell anyone I referred you elsewhere,” Jensen said, his voice lowered to almost a whisper. “But check out Waterloo Records, down on Sixth and Lamar. They are awesome and have pretty much anything you could think of, ever.”
“Jensen, boss wants to talk to you,” a short employee with not much hair but a lot of eyebrows peered around the corner at Jensen, his expression intense. Jensen’s lips pursed and he shot Jared an apologetic shrug for the interruption as he walked away.
Jared hadn’t heard of Waterloo Records but made a note to check it out. Just in case, though, he grabbed a Paul Simon CD he was pretty sure his mom didn’t have (he hoped) and walked to the register. He looked down at the CD in his hand and then around the store to see if he could see Jensen. He wanted to thank him for his help - well, actually, Jared wanted to ask Jensen to coffee or dinner or a lifetime together. Ah ha, there he is! Jared thought when he finally spotted him.
Jensen stood by an endcap of DVDs, his arms crossed defensively over his chest and his mouth tightened into a small, thin line as someone, probably his boss, lit into him in front of God and everybody.
“How many breaks have you taken today, Jensen?” the supervisor snarled. “Chelsea said she saw you disappear out the back ten minutes ago and that you just got back. Have you helped anyone today? Have you done anything?”
Jared was going to mind his own business, really he was, but then he looked at the cashier. Her name tag said Chelsea and she hadn’t even noticed Jared standing there with his purchase, as her attention was focused on the scene between Jensen and his manager. Her eyes were narrowed and she had a self-satisfied smirk on her face. Well, Jared wasn’t going to let this continue. It was rather weird to feel such a protective urge for a complete stranger, especially one who looked like he could take care of himself fairly easily. He wasn’t about to go over there and further embarrass Jensen.
“Hey, excuse me miss?” Jared rapped his knuckles on the counter, startling the cashier.
“Oh, sorry,” she said with a wide smile. “I guess I was daydreaming.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Jared said without amusement. Last time he’d checked, daydreaming didn’t include watching your co-worker get bitched out by his squirrelly looking boss. Or maybe it did, if that was your thing, but still. . .
“Hey, do you have any of those customer feedback forms?” Jared asked with a smile. He didn’t turn his head towards the argument that was still going on over by the endcap, where Jensen had started to quietly defend himself, judging from the hand-waving he could see out of his peripheral vision.
“Um, sure,” Chelsea sounded uncertain. “Did you want one?” She took the CD from Jared and rang it up.
“Yes please,” he said.
“That’ll be $16.33,” Chelsea said, and Jared held out his Mastercard to pay for it. Instead of taking Jared’s payment, Chelsea squatted down and started digging around under the register. She emerged with what looked like a greeting card decorated with Voltage Village’s trademark lightning bolt on the front. She dropped it on the counter and grabbed Jared’s credit card, finishing the transaction in a few seconds.
“Do you want a bag?” she asked. She sounded bored, but Jared couldn’t help noticing her eyes kept flitting over to the feedback form.
“No thanks,” said Jared. The discussion over at the endcap had ended and neither Jensen nor his supervisor was there any longer. Jared checked his watch and debated going to find Jensen and ask him out but he only had ten minutes before he had to be back at his desk and clocked in, so it would have to wait until next time. He picked up the CD and the feedback form. “Where do I put this once I fill it out? Is there a like a suggestion box, or something?”
Chelsea pursed her lips and pointed over by the sliding glass doors of the entrance. Apparently, now that Jared was done being a customer and quite possibly about to write something negative about her, pointing was all he deserved. Jared resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he started to walk away.
“Oh, do you have a pen I could-“ Jared didn’t catch the ballpoint that went sailing past his head. His eyebrows reached for his hairline as he bent down to pick it up.
“Okay,” he said. “Noted.”
Jared snapped back out of his former self and looked over to see Jensen standing next to him, looking equally shell-shocked. They were back in Jared’s bedroom and once again, Voltage Village was a thing of the past.
“What just happened?” Jensen asked, turning wide eyes on Jared.
“That’s how we met, Jensen,” Jared said wistfully. “I didn’t know that was going to happen. I just wanted to show you.”
“That’s how we met? But it’s so . . . normal. I mean, I kind of expected you to rescue me from a burning, runaway train or something.”
“A burning runaway train?” Jared laughed. “No, sorry. I’m not that brave. Or a secret agent.” `
“That was so bizarre, though,” Jensen said. “That never happened to me, but I could see it as though it were. God, Mark was such a douchebag!”
“Your supervisor,” Jared agreed. “Don’t worry, he had to give you a lightning bolt bonus for my awesome review I wrote for you.”
“A lightning bolt bonus? That’s really - lame,” Jensen laughed. “That was sweet of you though, Jared.” Jensen licked his lips. “Doesn't make any damn sense though.”
“What, me falling for you at first sight or me filling out that stupid form?” Jared was unsure.
“Everything, all of this,” Jensen waved an arm around, encompassing the scenery which had, at some point, faded back into Jared’s bedroom back at his apartment. “So how long did it take you to actually ask me out? Did I say yes right away? Can you show me more?”
“One thing at a time!” Jared said, smiling. “I’ll show you everything, if you like.”
Jared saw Jensen’s eyes darken just a little and they seemed to flit down Jared’s body and back up. “Does rule three still apply?” Jensen asked.
“Oh, most definitely,” Jared said.
“I don’t know why I want to kiss you,” Jensen said as he backed Jared towards the bed. “But I do. So much. So fuck it, I’m gonna. And I hope you’re okay with that.”
Jared’s legs hit the side of the bed and he fell into a sitting position. Jensen leaned over and claimed him, and this time it wasn’t hesitant. Jensen’s mouth thoroughly owned Jared’s, his tongue sliding in between Jared’s lips and exploring the warm, wet cavern of his mouth. Jared couldn’t stop the breathy moan that escaped as he exhaled, and Jensen gave a small, satisfied rumble of his own in response.
Jared felt fingers thread through his hair and tighten their grasp, deepening the kiss and then-
Everything started to fade.
“No!” Jared protested, but it did no good. The dream continued to fade, and the next thing Jared knew, it was morning.
The pounding on the door was what roused Jared from slumber. He barely had time to blink away the sleep from his eyes before he heard the unmistakable sound of Chad letting himself into the apartment. As Jared forced himself to throw back the bedclothes and sit up, he realized he couldn’t remember if he’d dreamt last night. Then, in a rush, it all came back to him and he felt dizzy. He could still feel Jensen’s kisses on his lips as if they’d happened in the real world and not just his dreamscapes. He lifted his hand and traced his lips with a finger. He yawned then, just as Chad found his way into Jared’s bedroom.
“Hey Jare, you still in bed? Huh. Anyway, any ghost activity this morning? You know, things flying around your head or unexplained voices?”
“Fuck off, Chad,” Jared groaned, collapsing back on the bed with his hands over his eyes.
“No need to be rude,” Chad admonished him. He held up a nondescript white paper bag that had grease stains on the lower half. “I even brought breakfast so we’d have some sustenance while we looked stuff up. Figured we could try the good ol’ internet and then if we have to, the library. Then, maybe, we could try a priest or something to come exorcise the place. I mean, even if it is Jensen’s ghost, you don’t really want to live in a haunted apartment do you? You want to help him move on and all that crap, right?”
“Oh God,” Jared sighed. “It’s too early to deal with you. Get out. Let me take a shower and get dressed. You know what? You’re lucky I don’t sleep naked.”
Chad wrinkled his nose. “Ew. Thank God for small favors. Hurry up. I’ll save your breakfast.”
Jared gave a small laugh as Chad left his bedroom to allow Jared his morning rituals. Jared hurried through them and then joined Chad at the kitchen table for breakfast. Sitting down, he tipped the bag over to discover donuts inside.
“These are all mine, right?” Jared joked, pretending to scoot the bag out of Chad’s reach.
“Yeah, not so much,” Chad said, grabbing the bad and pulling it back toward himself. His mirth left his face though, and he sat looking at Jared appraisingly. His expression grew darker and more troubled.
“Jared, you look really happy,” Chad said. His eyes kind of squinted and his brow furrowed. Jared wondered when his life had warped so much that him seeming happy was a bad thing, or at least cause for suspicion.
“I uh, I dreamed about him last night again,” Jared said with a sigh. “I showed him how we met.”
“Runaway train, on fire,” came a voice, and Jared sat upright in his chair. He smiled before he could stop himself.
“Hey, Earth to Jared,” Chad said, snapping his fingers close to Jared’s face. “You hearing him now?”
“Yeah, I am,” Jared said.
“You’re what? Running away? On fire?” Jensen asked, sounding sleepy.
“Hearing you,” Jared explained.
“Oh,” Jensen said. “You got company?”
“Yeah, Chad’s here.”
“Ah,” Jensen said. Jared heard the refrigerator open but didn’t bother looking into the kitchen to see if his had actually opened. “Tell him I said hi, I guess.”
“Jensen says hi,” Jared said to Chad, who looked taken aback.
“It’s really damn weird to see you talking to yourself like that,” Chad said, holding up his hand to indicate he wasn’t finished talking when he saw Jared open his mouth. “I’m not saying you’re talking to yourself, just that it looks like you are. Go get your laptop. I’m not going to be the only one who’s researching crap over here.”
“Sir yes sir,” Jared muttered, standing up and taking his donut with him.
“Hey, the apple fritter was mine!” Chad complained. He made a grab for it, which from his seated position was highly ineffectual.
“Mine now,” Jared gloated.
“You suck, Padalecki,”
Jared grinned. As he turned to go get his laptop, he heard Jensen call out a goodbye.
“I’m off to work, Jared. See you - um, I guess I’ll hear you later?”
“Yeah,” Jared said and his grin widened. “Definitely.”
“Jared,” Chad said, fixing Jared with an sad stare. “Jare, you can’t keep him.”
Jared felt his smile fall and he stared at the floor, suddenly very interested in the grain of the hardwood.
“Yeah, Chad, I know,” he said. “I know.”
“Okay,” said Chad, a couple of hours later. Jared shifted uncomfortably in his chair. His ass was starting to hurt and he regretted not taking this to the couch. Jared, discontent with what he had found online in the way of ghost banishment, had started looking up what hearing voices could be a symptom of. So far, he’d found nothing good. Jared was more than happy to turn his attention to Chad.
“Did you find something?” he asked. Chad nodded.
“Um, sort of. Have you tried asking him to leave?”
“You want me to tell Jensen to go into the light? He won’t. He doesn’t believe he’s dead. You know, he didn’t even remember working at Voltage Village.”
Chad shrugged. “I’d probably try to block that out if I’d had to work at that shithole,” he said with a smirk. Jared didn’t feel like that necessitated a reply.
“Alright,” Chad said. “Jensen says he’s not a ghost, and I found a checklist to check for ghostly activity. Say yes or no to these, okay?” Chad then proceeded to rattle off a list of phenomenon usually associated with ghosts, including cold spots, electrical disturbances and random noises. Except for that last one, Jared answered no to all of them.
“What if he’s not a ghost?” Chad asked. Jared shot him a look.
“What else could he be, Chad?” Jared inquired. “We both know that Jensen died. No, he has to be a ghost.”
“Fair enough,” Chad responded. “Hey, this website says the only sure way to make a ghost move on is to dig up the body, salt it, and burn it.”
Jared’s eyes widened in horror. “I’m not driving to Dallas, desecrating my husband’s grave so I can salt and burn his body. Jesus. That’s - that’s . . . “ Jared couldn’t think of appropriately awful words to complete his train of thought.
“You’re right,” Chad said, dismissing the idea. “That sounds too much like one of Dad’s weekend barbecues.”
“Okay, that’s really fucking gross, Chad,” Jared hissed. “I’m never eating your dad’s barbecue again.”
“You’re such a liar, Jare,” Chad said. “You love his barbecue. You love it enough to put up with him for it.”
Jared smiled; it was true. His foster father might be a pain in the ass, but his barbecue was the best Jared had ever had.
“Hey, here’s something that sounds kind of legit,” Chad said, pointing at the laptop screen as if Jared could see it. “Sage. So, apparently you burn it and it’s supposed to cleanse your place of spirits and negativity. Hey, it’s a plant. Do you think your flower guy-“
“Florist,” Jared corrected.
“Whatever,” Chad said with a shrug. “Do you think he’d have sage?”
“I dunno, maybe,” Jared replied. He’d wanted to talk to Misha about all this anyway. “I’ll go check. I kind of want to get some fresh air anyway.”
Jared grabbed his coat and his wallet. “I’ll be back in a bit, okay?”
“Okay,” Chad agreed, leaning closer to the monitor of his laptop. “Bring back lunch since I sprang for breakfast.”
Jared agreed to the terms by waving his hand as he exited his apartment.
“Hey Misha,” Jared called as he entered the flower shop. As usual, Misha was leaning over his counter, engrossed in an issue of Mental Floss.
“Jared!” Misha’s grin lit up the entire store and Jared smiled in return. Perhaps this was the reason he kept coming back. Misha had a way about him that always made Jared feel better. “What can I get for you today? Today doesn’t seem like a buy flowers type of day for you. Well, for everyone else, maybe - I’ve been really busy!”
Jared looked around the empty shop and tried not to be skeptical. Misha caught the look and shot a mock glare at him.
“Okay, maybe I’m not busy right this moment,” he countered. “But I have been busier than usual this morning.”
Jared wished he could be a bit more enthusiastic for his friend’s increase in business, but it was October and Halloween wasn’t exactly known for its floral prowess. So, lacking any theories on why Misha’s business would suddenly pick up, Jared just shrugged.
“Do you sell sage here, Misha?” he asked after a beat of silence. Misha’s brow furrowed.
“Sage - like the seasoning?” Misha seemed perplexed.
“Yes,” Jared said. “Well, no. Not exactly. I meant like little dried bundles that I could burn. Chad says-“
“You’re listening to Chad?” Misha interrupted. “What would Chad want with sage?”
“Um,” Jared wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. “Chad thinks I should sage my apartment. Get rid of negative energy; help me move on, things like that.”
Misha arched an eyebrow. “While I actually think that’s not a half bad idea, I don’t actually sell sage here. You’re better off checking at Whole Foods or Central Market - maybe check out one of those new-agey shops down south.”
“Oh,” Jared said, disappointed. “Okay. Thanks.” Jared knew that was kind of his cue to leave, as a customer at least. He kicked his shoe on the concrete floor of the shop, scuffing his foot around in the dust. Apparently, what with it being a florist shop, Misha wasn’t adverse to it having a fine layer of soil on the floor.
“I’ll make a deal with you,” Misha said, reaching under the counter. “I happen to have a bundle here. Unused, of course. I’ll let you have it if you tell me what’s on your mind. Something’s bothering you, I can tell. I’ll even close up for a few minutes so you can vent.”
Misha didn’t wait for Jared to agree to the deal. He walked over to the door and flipped the sign to closed. He locked the door, and then indicated that Jared should follow him to his office. Jared did, and found himself seated on a couch that, while incredibly comfortable, had definitely seen better days. Jared supposed that in its prime it had been cream-colored microfiber, now it was dull beige that was shiny in spots and sagged in others. Still, it was comfortable, and Jared leaned back.
“Alright, spill,” Misha insisted. Jared took a deep breath.
“Okay, I guess there’s no easy way to ask this,” Jared said. “Do you believe in ghosts?”
“I love ghost stories,” Misha grinned, all eagerness. “In fact I read this one story online about this guy who died while he was masturbating and his ghost - “
Jared grimaced and held up a hand. “Please, for the love of God, don’t tell me anymore about that.” Misha laughed and Jared thought he heard Misha mutter, "Prude," under his breath as he exhaled. When Misha remained silent, Jared continued.
“Okay, now what I have to say sounds almost normal,” Jared said. “I’m hearing things in my apartment. Like, ghostly-type things. And I’ve been having weird dreams.”
Misha leaned forward, intent on Jared’s words.
“You think you’re being haunted,” Misha said. It wasn’t a question. “Tell me.”
“Well, to be frank, I’m hearing Jensen,” Jared admitted. Misha leaned back. “I dreamed about him too. Two nights in a row, actually.”
“And you’re trying to get rid of him? Why?”
Jared was at a loss for words for a minute. Why, indeed? Chad’s voice popped up in his mind, phantom-like.
“Jare, you can’t keep him.”
Jared knew it was true. He knew why it was true, too, but he was having a hard time verbalizing it. Verbalizing it would make it so, irrevocably.
“Well, he’s a ghost, Misha,” Jared finally said. “It can’t be healthy for him to be hanging out in the apartment. Doesn’t he need to go, I don’t know, into the light or something?”
Misha shrugged. “Maybe, if it is a ghost. Who knows?”
“Great, you think I’m crazy,” Jared said. “Chad thinks I am too. He’s just playing along long enough for me to realize it myself.”
“Jared,” Misha said, resting his hand on Jared’s knee. “I don’t think you’re crazy. I swear I don’t. If you say you’re hearing Jensen, then I believe you’re hearing Jensen. Did you say you were dreaming about him too? That’s good.”
“Good,” Jared echoed, amazed at Misha. “Why would that be good?”
“For now, I mean,” Misha said. “It’s good for now.”
“I think I need to help him,” Jared said. “Maybe he has unfinished business. Or - or maybe I have unfinished business.”
“You’re not a ghost, Jared,” Misha stated gently.
“Um, I know that,” Jared intoned. “Look, I mean, maybe he saw that I wasn’t moving on and that’s why he’s here now.”
Misha didn’t say anything, and the two men sat in silence for a little while, each lost in their own thoughts. Jared looked over at Misha - took in his concerned blue eyes, his careworn expression and realized, perhaps for the first time, that Misha was actually a very attractive man. Jared wondered, Maybe this is what I need to move on. Maybe Misha’s so kind to me because-
Before he could change his mind, Jared surged forward and caught Misha’s mouth with his own, feeling plush lips part in surprise as Jared claimed them. For an instant, he felt what might be Misha responding, but no, it was Misha planting firm hands on Jared’s chest and pushing him ever so slowly away.
“Jared-“
“Misha-“
They stared at each other for a long moment, searching for answers in each other’s eyes, blue conversing with hazel where words weren’t sufficient. Jared watched Misha deflate a little, and he knew, he knew he made a mistake.
“No, Jared, that’s not supposed to happen,” Misha said quietly. “This wasn’t my intention at all.”
“I know, I shouldn’t have. . .” Jared’s words died slowly and he backed away, until he felt the arm of the couch dig into his back. “I’m sorry, I should go. Yeah, I have to go.” And with that Jared pushed himself up off the couch and headed for the door, brushing against flowers as he passed; Jared’s escaped marked in falling petals.
“Jared, wait,” Misha called. His usual calm was gone, and it was such a strange thing that Jared stopped in his tracks. Turning, he faced Misha, his embarrassment stinging on his cheeks and in his eyes.
“Jared, I’m sorry,” Misha breathed, slightly winded from rushing after. “I never meant to make you think - in any case, I’m not what you need.”
Jared threaded both hands through his hair in frustration at himself. He wanted to get away. He wanted to run and hide and never see Misha again, because Jared knew he had fucked it all up now, and Misha wouldn’t want to sell him flowers or talk about his theories and oh, God, he’s probably straight, too.
“Jesus, Jared, it’s okay,” said Misha, and Jared must have been thinking too loud again, or perhaps inadvertently vocalizing his thoughts.
“You’re my friend, Jared. I care about you, deeply. Just not, you know, like that. Please don’t let it make things awkward between us.” Misha sounded so dejected, and yet so hopeful that Jared found himself nodding.
“I think we’re already there,” Jared replied. Misha threw his head back and laughed, and just like that, the awkwardness fled.
“Yes, a little bit,” Misha said finally. He fished something out of his pocket, and Jared realized it was the little bundle of sage Misha had promised to give him. Misha set it in Jared’s hand and closed Jared’s fingers around it.
“Go ahead and sage your apartment, Jared,” Misha said. “And good luck.”
“Thanks, Mish,” Jared replied. Misha reached around Jared and unlocked the door. After the kiss, it was a little uncomfortably close, but Jared resisted the urge to move away.
“Hey Jared,” Misha said, “as a friend, feel free to stop by whenever you want, okay? I’m always up for a good chat. Especially if it’s about ghosts.”
“Or aliens,” Jared said with a smile. Misha’s answering smile was blinding.
“Yes,” he agreed. “Or aliens.”
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