Fic: The Lonely End of the Rink, Part 3.2
Part 3.1
Hockey players aren’t gay...
Or are they? After all, if 10% of the population is gay, then so should 10% of hockey players be. Give or take. So why don’t we hear about them? It’s not too hard to figure out, really, we don’t hear about them because they are in hiding. Fearing for their livelihoods if anyone should find out, fearing for their good names. Because sport has such a bias against them. No, a prejudice. As if a man, an athlete, is defined by the one he loves, and not by himself.
There is such pressure in sport, even in individual sports, to mimic the ideal, the model that has been set down. Athletes are role models, after all, so they must take care in what they model, isn’t that right? But how is one to be a good role model when one hides a vital piece of oneself, as if ashamed? Such a thing is the opposite of admirable, and yet it is the standard in the sporting world.
So why am I writing this, to be published for all eyes to see, for everyone to know? Because the subject has been a torture to me for years now, something that I have pushed away, hidden and kept from notice, even from myself. For who could admit such a thing and still succeed in sport? In hockey?
I don’t know the answer to that. And yet, even if I had, if I could keep such a thing buried, hidden, that is no guarantee of success. There are endless possibilities that could prevent my chosen career. A bad step on a stair could be enough to injure, badly enough to prevent a career in hockey. A car accident, a disease, a lack of interest from the team I choose, from any team. I could be poked in the eye, or the ear, I could dive the wrong way in the pool and injure my spine, I could, I could, I could. So many possibilities, each one removing forever the dream that I have worked so hard for, for so long.
So many uncertainties. But one thing is certain.
I kissed a boy. And I liked it. Is that a cliche now? If it is, I don’t care, it’s true. I liked it so much that I can’t hide behind my fears and insecurities anymore. I liked it and I want to do it again. And again, for the rest of my life. There are other things like. I like hockey. I like swimming, running, kayaking, climbing. I like camping. I like snowboarding. I like writing, and spending time with my uncle. I like comic books. I like my truck. I like the Tragically Hip. I like science fiction and history. I like truth, and I like honesty.
A career in hockey is not a certainty, but a life of misery is, unless I am honest with not only myself, but with everyone.
Because I cannot love in secret, I cannot be ashamed of loving someone. I know the power of love, I have seen the dark side of it in my own life. My own father died of a broken heart, after all. Without my mother, he was lost, so much so that he couldn’t go on and sought only to dull to pain. To forget. He was weak and it led to his downfall. But if he did nothing else noteworthy in his life, he loved with all his heart and soul.
As horrible as my family’s history is, it has taught me something. A life without love is a life not worth living. My father taught me that.
So yes, hockey players are gay, some of them. I would know. I am a hockey player. And I am gay.
It seems pretty simple to me.
**
Marcus had known that his article was coming, he was expecting to see it in that day’s paper, but still, seeing the title and his name on the front page was a shock. And once the shock wore off, the apprehension and fear set in. What if he was wrong? What if it didn’t all work out, what if everyone hated him and Esca still wouldn’t talk to him?
Marcus didn’t go to the cafeteria for lunch as usual, he took his advance copy of the paper - Mark, the editor had slipped him a copy before his first class, the rest of them would be made available to the student body at lunchtime-and hid in the same stairwell he’d argued with Esca in. Perhaps it was a bad choice, the memory of the kiss they’d shared there flooded Marcus and, combined with the rising panic of his very public and irreversible outing, it only served to make him feel even more sick.
He was going to have a nervous breakdown and the response hadn’t even begun.
About halfway through lunch break the door to the stairwell opened and then closed, quietly. Marcus held his breath, wondering who was going to get the shock of their life to find him sitting there, no doubt white as a ghost, with his head in his hands.
“Marcus?” someone called out, and Marcus breathed a sigh of relief.
“Up here,” he said quietly, wondering if she heard him, but he needn’t have worried. He heard soft footsteps ascending the stairs, but he didn’t look up.
“Oh, Marcus,” Cottia said, sitting beside him and wrapping her arms around one of his, hugging it.
“Is it that bad?” Marcus asked, voice muffled by his hands.
“To tell you the truth, no one believes it,” she said. “They all think it’s some kind of joke.”
“But you don’t?”
“No,” she said, squeezing his arm. “Honestly? Too many things have just fallen into place since I read it.”
“It’s good to know I was that obvious,” Marcus said.
Cottia laughed. “Oh honey, you so weren’t. That’s why so many people think it’s a joke. Poor Mark, they’re all looking for him to give him shit.”
“He knew what he was getting into, he’s probably gone into hiding,” Marcus said with a laugh.
“Needless to say, it’s been a bit of a shock,” Cottia said. “I think it’ll be a while before people calm down.”
“Yeah, I figured it would be,” Marcus said. “Just can’t pretend anymore, you know?”
“I know,” Cottia said. They were silent for awhile, and Marcus was overwhelmed with gratitude toward her. Knowing he had a friend who accepted him, especially after the way he’d treated her, was such a relief, he felt like a burden had been lifted from him.
“So, why are you so cool about this?” Marcus asked, looking at her.
“At first I wasn’t, I was pretty pissed at you for using me as your beard,” she said, and Marcus flushed.
“Yeah, sorry about that, it was stupid of me,” he said. “One last attempt to pretend I’m normal, you know?”
“You are normal,” she scolded. “Anyway, I was angry at first, but then I thought about what you must have gone through. And then I realized that you’re in love with Esca and it all made sense.”
Marcus’ eyes widened. “What?” he said, stunned. “How do you know that?”
“I’m glad you’re not trying to deny it,” she said, nudging him with his shoulder.
“I hardly could,” he said, looking down at his hands. “But I’ve fucked it all up so bad, I don’t know if he’ll talk to me again.”
“What did you do? From my perspective, he’s pretty in love with you, too.”
“I kissed him,” Marcus said simply.
“And,” she prompted.
“And then I ran away. The night of the game, right after he got back,” he added.
“Before Christmas,” she said thoughtfully. Marcus could practically see the wheels in her head turning. “Oh Marcus,” she said again, turning to him. “No wonder you were such a mess that day.”
“I feel really bad about that, I’m sorry,” he said.
“It’s alright. You’ve already apologized and considering everything, it’s understandable,” she said. “So, you’re really gay, eh?”
“Yeah,” Marcus said, smiling weakly. “Fate really knows how to kick me in the balls.”
“Hey, that’s unfair,” Cottia said, glaring at him. “Sure it doesn’t make things any easier, wanting to be in the NHL, but you’re going to be all the stronger for it.”
“Don’t try to placate me, Cottia, I’m not in the mood,” he snapped.
“Put it this way,” she said. “If you had a choice to become straight tomorrow and give up Esca forever, would you?”
He looked up at her, eyes wide. “I...no. No, I could never give him up,” he said, putting his head in his hands again. “Dammit, Cottia.”
“Yes, I'm so sorry to be the voice of reason. We'd better get going, we'll be late for class,” she said, standing up and holding out her hand.
“Can't we be late?” Marcus pleaded.
“Do you want to bring more attention to yourself?”
“Time to go,” he said, taking her hand and squeezing it.
They left the stairwell like that, hand in hand, and that was how Charlie found them.
“I knew it was a joke!” he said, laughing. “I’ll kick Mark Fletcher’s ass once I find him, you just wait.”
Marcus looked down at their joined hands and then up at Charlie.
“Sorry to disappoint you Charlie, but the article is true. I would know, I wrote it,” Marcus said.
“Marcus is my friend Charlie, I can hold his hand if I like,” Cottia said, glaring at her brother. “Besides, he'll need the support if idiots like you are going to give him shit about it.”
“Shut up Cottia, this has nothing to do with you,” Charlie said, turning to face Marcus. “So are you saying you're a fag, Aquila?”
“I'm not denying anything, I stand by what I wrote,” Marcus said. “You read it, didn't you? Or did someone have to read it to you?”
“Oh, Marcus,” Cottia said, anticipating Charlie's reaction by letting go of Marcus’ hand and taking a step back.
“Are you calling me stupid?” Charlie snarled.
“No, I'm calling you illiterate, but if the shoe fits,” Marcus said, immediately ducking Charlie's flying fist. Years of playing hockey had given Marcus a keen eye for when the fist was coming for him, and he dodged, grabbing Charlie's fist and directing it away from Cottia, using Charlie's momentum to spin him and slam him against the bank of lockers with a crash that reverberated down the hallway. A crowd had already gathered around them, news of Marcus' article had spread quickly, but now every eye in the hallway was fixed on them.
Marcus kept moving, until he had Charlie pinned, face pressed against the wall and his arm twisted behind his back. He pressed Charlie into the wall mercilessly, putting all his weight and strength to the task.
“Listen close, you asshole,” he said, loud enough so everyone could hear him. He wanted to avoid a repeat performance, if possible. “I don't care what opinions you carry in that big dumb head of yours, but if I ever hear you use that word again in a derogatory fashion, I won't hesitate to break your face. I may be gay, but I'm not a pussy and I can still kick your pansy ass, Henderson.”
He yanked Charlie back then, pulling him off the wall and pushing him to the floor, just as the bell rang.
“Now fuck off,” Marcus said. “I have a class to get to.” He gave Cottia a smile and gestured toward their classroom and when they turned, he caught sight of Esca, leaning against the door frame of the math room. He met Marcus' eyes and for a brief second they were soft, showing more emotion than Marcus thought he realized, but they hardened quickly, shuttering the emotions away from sight.
Marcus received a pitying glance from Cottia, and he followed her into the math room, where Esca had taken a seat on the far side, away from any empty seats. Marcus spent a moment just looking at him, memorizing the sight of him all over, the tense set of his shoulders in contrast to the soft tendrils of his hair that teased his collar, the set of his jaw and the wiry muscles in his forearm.
He didn’t remember to sit until Cottia gave him a nudge and that’s when he noticed the rest of the students, some of them staring at him blatantly, some casting glances from the corner of their eyes, some whispering behind their hands, but every one of them aware that he was in the room.
Marcus sighed. It was going to be a long afternoon.
**
Esca slipped out of the classroom before Marcus could talk to him, despite being so far from the door.
‘Great,’ Marcus thought to himself. ‘Just when I don’t want to avoid him anymore, he takes to avoiding me.’
Cottia gave him a hug and sent him off to his next class, where he fielded a few queries about the article, but everyone either didn’t care, or didn’t care to make a fuss. He wondered how many had heard about his confrontation with Charlie and how many just didn’t want to make an issue with him. He was practically the biggest guy in the school, after all, and he wasn’t exactly out of shape. Besides he had a reputation for being quick to drop his gloves on the ice, if the need arose, so everyone knew he wasn’t afraid of a fight.
There were a few more people who came up to him at his locker and on his way out of the school, some to ask if it had been a joke and some to express support, but Esca was nowhere to be seen, and Marcus was looking for him.
He wasn’t waiting at the truck either, but Marcus had come to expect that. Esca hadn’t been there since the fall, before he’d left for the Grand Prix competitions. But Marcus couldn’t help the twinge in his chest, remembering the way things had been.
He was opening the door when he heard someone calling and turned to see Luke jogging towards him.
“Marcus, wait up,” Luke called, so Marcus closed the door again and turned to face him.
“Fuck me, son,” he said with a grin, slapping Marcus on the shoulder. “But you do know how to make an impact, don’t you?”
Marcus couldn’t help but laugh, and it felt good. “So, you’re alright with, you know, the article?” he asked.
“To be honest, it didn’t come as a huge surprise, once I’d read it,” Luke said. “Don’t get me wrong, I had no idea, but I’ve known for a while now that there was something you weren’t talking about, so it all kind of fit into place.”
“That’s what Cottia said,” Marcus said, feeling another weight lift from his shoulders.
“Smart girl, that,” Luke said with a gleam in his eye which made Marcus pause. Perhaps he’d have to put in a good word for Luke with Cottia, and see where it went.
“So, when are you going to get together with Esca, then?” Luke asked. Marcus wasn’t as surprised at the observation as he had been when Cottia had mentioned it, but he still felt like a fool.
“How many people know that I'm in love with Esca?” Marcus asked, incredulous.
“No idea,” Luke laughed. “But it's not a hard line to draw since you came out. We already knew that Esca's gay.”
“Yeah well, I don't think it'll be happening any time soon,” Marcus replied sadly. “I kind of fucked up there, and now he won't talk to me.”
“Well then you aren't trying hard enough,” Luke said. “Take my advice, don't hold back because you don't want to piss him off more, go after him. It's not like you need to hide it anymore, and you won't win him by skulking around in the shadows.”
“I never skulk,” Marcus scoffed.
“If you say so,” Luke said. “But go get him anyway. Listen, I've got to be off, but I'll see you Monday morning, yeah?”
“I'll be there,” Marcus agreed. Luke gave him another slap on the shoulder and left Marcus pondering his words. Luke was wise beyond his years, and it would do Marcus some good to listen to him.
**
The next day Marcus only practiced half-heartedly, hoping he’d be there when Esca arrived, but when the time came, there was no sign of him. He sighed heavily and retreated to the changing room, changing into his shoes and gathering his gear listlessly. He wondered if Esca would be on the ice when he got up there, as he had been the last few times, but he also knew that interrupting Esca’s training to confront him was the wrong move.
Sure enough, there he was, in the midst of a spin, legs crossed and arms wrapped around himself, spinning with uncanny speed when suddenly he sank like a stone, stretching one leg out in front of himself and gripping it with his hands, shooting the duck, as Esca had named it.
Marcus decided that he was not going to leave before he spoke with Esca, so he ran outside and quickly threw his gear into his truck and then jogged across the road to the Tim Horton’s for a latte and a bagel, to tide him over. When he went back in, he climbed the stairs behind the seating area and came out on the top tier, sitting in a dark corner where Esca would be unlikely to see him.
He stayed there for over two hours before Esca and Andrew left the ice, making way for the very group of pre-teen figure skaters that had plagued the first part of Marcus’ summer. He had eyes only for Esca however, quickly deducing that he would exit from one of the back doors, to avoid the crowd of people up front, parents and siblings of the girls on the ice, with a few young boys who came to watch the girls twirl.
He shoved his garbage into the nearest trash can and jogged down the back steps once more, weaving through the people in the foyer and out into the equally chilly air. He headed around the side of the arena, considering which door would be a more likely exit for Esca, choosing the one that faced the road toward his apartment building.
He didn’t have a long time to wait, within fifteen minutes the door opened and Esca stepped through, blinking a bit in the bright sunlight, not seeing Marcus until the door had swung shut behind him. When he did, he stopped still, eyes wide, flicking from side to side as if planning his escape route. Marcus shoved down the hurt that rose up, putting it aside in favour of more pressing things.
“Hi,” he said, croaking on the word, then clearing his throat, much as he had done the day they’d met. Esca didn’t say anything, just crossed his arms over his chest defiantly and glared. Marcus cringed a little, but he took a few steps forward instead.
“Look, I’m sorry for being an ass,” he began, hoping his apology would move Esca to speak. When it didn’t, he continued.
“I’m just under a lot of pressure, and I thought I’d screwed up my priorities, so I panicked. I’m not proud of myself,” he said, and Esca scoffed.
“It’s just that, being a hockey player comes with a certain expectation-” Esca interrupted him then, unpredictable as always.
“Haven’t we had this conversation?” he sneered. “I don’t care about your excuses.”
“And I have none,” Marcus agreed. “I just hoped you’d cut me a little slack for being an idiot and not seeing what I was throwing away being so obstinate.”
“I pointed it out to you, isn’t that enough?” Esca demanded. “What more do you want from me, Marcus?”
“I want a chance to make it right. I’ve tried to start already,” he said, but Esca interrupted him again.
“I saw your little article in the school paper, but what I don’t get is what difference it makes,” he said. Marcus just stared, unable to find the words to explain.
“It’s, I...” he tried, swallowing heavily and beginning again. “I’m trying to make things right, Esca. I’m trying to be honest. Does that mean nothing?”
“It means something,” Esca admitted. “But not enough. I told you we were through and I meant it. I’m not going to wait around for you to decide being a gay hockey player is too hard and recant, or decide that the game means more to you after all, and push me aside.”
Marcus felt a knot forming in his stomach again, realizing that this was the most they’d spoken in weeks and it was not going well.
“I won’t. Esca, can’t you see?” he pleaded, taking another step forward. “I’ve made up my mind. I’ll deal with what this means for my career when I have to, but I’d rather have you than any of that other shit. I love you.”
Esca flinched as if he’d been slapped, and a wall seemed to fall down over his face, turning it blank.
“Very convenient,” he said coldly. “But I meant what I said. I’m done.” He pushed past Marcus, slamming into him with his shoulder. Marcus grabbed his wrist and pulled him back, pleading, “Esca, wait,” but Esca would not be mollified.
“Don’t,” he said, wrenching his arm from Marcus’ grasp and walking away again.
“Esca!” Marcus called out, but there was no response. The irony of their reversed roles was not lost on him, as his chest ached with the loss he was just beginning to recognize might be the worst of his life.
**
By the time Marcus arrived home, he was overwhelmed by a surge of depression. He wanted to hide in his room and never come out. Unfortunately, Uncle and Stephan were leaving as he was coming in, so he had to talk to them. If only he’d been two minutes later.
“Marcus, my boy, there you are,” Uncle said, grinning. “How was practice?”
“Fine,” Marcus said sullenly. “I have a headache, I’m going to bed.”
“Can we bring you anything?” Stephan asked, but Marcus shook his head.
“No, just some quiet will do,” he said, starting up the stairs.
“We’ll be out for a few hours, checking out some properties,” Uncle said. “Just call if you need anything, alright?”
“Sure,” Marcus said. “Thanks.” He waved them out the door and retreated to his room. He wasn’t in there for too long before there was a quiet knock on the door.
“Come in,” he said, looking up from where he was slumped on the couch.
“I thought you could use some lunch,” Sassy said, carrying a tray with some juice, a few sandwiches and an apple.
“Thanks Sassy,” Marcus said, giving her a small smile.
“Oh love,” she said, putting the tray down on the coffee table and sitting beside him, flattening his hair with a gentle hand. Marcus closed his eyes and relaxed into it. “It’s all been a been a bit rough on you, hasn’t it?” she said. “It will turn out alright in the end.”
“I wish I could believe that,” Marcus replied. “It all seems a bit hopeless right now.”
“It always does, when you’re in the middle of it,” she said, leaning over to kiss his forehead. “I’m off for the day, love. There’s stew in the crockpot for dinner, and fresh biscuits cooling on the counter. I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?”
“Okay,” he said. “Thanks Sassy.”
“You’re welcome,” she said, closing his door behind her.
Marcus wasn’t feeling very hungry, but he ate the apple anyway and then got up to change into some comfy clothes. As he was pulling a shirt on over his pyjama pants he heard a knock on the door, so he went downstairs to answer it, wondering who it could be.
He opened the door and was shocked to see Esca standing on the other side.
“Esca?” he said.
“Can I come in?” Esca asked, and Marcus nodded dumbly, gesturing him in and the closing the door behind him.
“Is your uncle home?” Esca asked, glancing at the office door nervously.
“No, he and Stephan are out scouting properties. I, do you want a drink, or...” Marcus didn’t know what else to say, or what to do.
“I came to apologize,” Esca said suddenly.
“I thought I-” Marcus began, but Esca interrupted him.
“Just listen for once, would you?” he said, glaring.
“Okay,” Marcus said.
“Right, so I was a bit of a prat,” Esca began, raising a hand when Marcus opened his mouth to deny it. He closed it again, so Esca continued. “No, I was. I was too wrapped up in my own issues to realize that yours were pretty big too. When I left you behind I felt sick so when I saw the bus, I just got on it, without thinking about what I was doing.”
“It’s going around,” Marcus said.
“Yeah, a bit,” Esca agreed. “Anyway, I thought about it on the bus and I figured that I was being selfish and stupid and you deserved an apology.”
“I really don’t think so,” Marcus said, but Esca interrupted him again.
“But I’m giving you one,” he said, glaring at Marcus. Marcus grinned. How he’d missed that glare. “And asking you to give me another chance.”
“What, me?” Marcus shook his head. “I was trying to figure out a way to beg you for another chance.”
They just stared at each other for a few minutes, and Marcus could practically see the tension rising. He reached out, taking Esca’s hand and pulled him closer.
“So, can I have another chance?” he asked, dropping his eyes to Esca’s bitten lips.
“Yes, please,” Esca said, leaning closer. “Marcus?” he said.
“Yeah,” Marcus replied, wondering if now would be a good time to kiss him.
“I love you too.” Marcus tore his gaze away from those enticing lips.
“You,” he began, not able to form the words to continue.
“Yeah,” Esca said, and then he wrapped his arms around Marcus’ neck, pulling him in for a wet, open-mouthed kiss.
Marcus kissed back, not holding back, pulling Esca closer with both arms around his waist. They snogged heavily for a few minutes until Marcus pulled back, gasping for breath.
“Esca, god,” he panted, leaning in and sucking kisses up Esca’s jaw, laving his tongue over the stubble he found there. It was so arousing a sensation that he was instantly hard, and his hands let go of Esca’s waist to grip his head still, so he could do it again, and again.
“Wanted this for so long,” Esca panted. “You have no idea.”
“I do, I wanted you as soon as I saw you,” Marcus said, his hands sliding back down to cup Esca’s ass, which must have been the right thing to do because Esca groaned hotly and pressed his hips closer.
“Took you long enough,” he said, getting a death grip on Marcus’ hair and tugging. “Take me to bed, hockey boy.”
“Fuck yes,” Marcus said, turning Esca around and walking him back towards the stairs while trying to tug his t-shirt off. They stumbled back and fell, sliding down a few steps, limbs tangled. They laughed at each other for a moment, eyes catching as they panted in each other’s breaths. Marcus pressed his head against Esca’s, overwhelmed that it was finally happening.
“I thought you’d never,” he began, but Esca cut him off with a kiss, sucking on his bottom lip and swiping with his tongue, pulling back as Marcus started to kiss back.
“I thought you’d never,” Esca repeated, rubbing his thumb across Marcus’ jaw. “Let’s go upstairs.”
“Agreed,” Marcus said, pushing himself up and reaching down to pull Esca up as well. Esca tugged, pulling Marcus with him as he began walking up the stairs backwards, staring into Marcus’ eyes with the most intense look Marcus had ever seen. He followed, unable to do anything else, licking his lips as he went, the taste of Esca still on them.
Esca reached down and grabbed the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it off with one quick motion and throwing it behind him, still ascending the stairs in reverse, taunting Marcus with what seemed like miles of taunt, pale skin, covering the muscles that Marcus could see flexing underneath it. He dropped his hands to his jeans and popped the button as he reached the top, making Marcus lose his concentration.
He fell the rest of the way up and Esca laughed, backing up a few more steps and smiling down at him. Marcus looked up at him and from that angle he could see the outline of Esca’s cock, bulging against his zipper almost obscenely.
“Forgotten how to walk?” Esca asked with a cheeky grin.
“You turn me into a complete idiot, you know that?” Marcus said, climbing up the stairs and pulling Esca into his arms again, this time sucking on the tender skin at the base of his neck, hands roaming his naked back.
“So that explains your behaviour lately,” Esca said, pulling on Marcus’ shirt and pushing his head to the side, detaching Marcus’ lips from his neck to pull the shirt over his head, dropping it on the floor. Marcus pulled them flush again, moaning at the first press of their bare chests. He pushed forward, pressing Esca against the wall, feeling the bulge under his jeans and pressing his own against it.
Esca grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled Marcus’ head back up so they were kissing again, sloppy and wet and with too much tongue, but Marcus didn’t care. It was Esca and they were kissing, and that was all that mattered to him. Esca tugged his hair again and Marcus pulled up again, releasing Esca’s lips reluctantly.
“Bedroom,” Esca said, panting, but all Marcus could think about was his lips, swollen and red, slick with saliva from their kisses.
“Uh huh,” Marcus said, but he didn’t make any attempt to move until Esca pinched his neck.
“Move it,” he said, shoving Marcus away and heading down toward the end of the hall where Marcus’ room was. Marcus followed, eagerly, grabbing Esca by the hips and pulling until his chest was pressed against Esca’s back. He let his hands wander over Esca’s chest and his flat belly as his lips searched out the sensitive spots along Esca’s neck.
“Marcus, hold on,” Esca said, when Marcus pressed him up against the door frame. “I said take me to bed, not molest me in the corridor.”
“Mmm, it’s your fault,” Marcus said, sucking a hickey onto Esca’s neck. “You took your shirt off, and I lost all self control.”
“I can put it back on if you-” Esca said, but Marcus spun him around and kissed the words right out of his mouth.
“No need,” Marcus said, pressing forward again, deftly guiding Esca away from the couch and toward the bed in the far corner. “I’d rather we work at getting these jeans off.”
“Yours too,” Esca said, tugging at Marcus’ loose pyjama pants. “Naked is better.”
Esca’s legs hit the bed and he fell back, pulling Marcus down on top of him, shoving Marcus’ pants off as much as he could in the process.
“Shit,” Marcus said as his sensitive cock rubbed against Esca’s jeans. it was maddening, so he pressed harder, laying his body flush against Esca’s, kissing him again, with less skill than enthusiasm. He kissed his way down Esca’s chest, leaving a trail behind that cooled, bringing goosebumps up, making Marcus retrace his path just to feel them against his tongue.
“Marcus, please,” Esca said, pushing his head lower even as his fingers tightened in Marcus’ hair.
“Patience,” Marcus said, sucking a brown nipple until it peaked under his tongue.
“I’ve waited long enough, you prat, get on with it,” Esca said, pulling harder until Marcus’ scalp ached. Marcus didn’t really feel like drawing it out anyway, there would be time for that, so he undid Esca’s jeans, pulling them down just enough to reveal the substantial bulge under his briefs.
There Marcus paused with wide eyes, rubbing his hand across it gently, pulling a pained sounding groan from Esca’s kiss-swollen lips. Now that he was here, faced with the stark reality of his sexuality, he thought that perhaps he should have been apprehensive, but he wasn’t. He was more turned on than he’d ever been in his life, and he wanted nothing more than to taste it, taste Esca, sucking him down all the way and making him come, the way he’d seen the girls do to all the men in Dale’s favorite pornos.
He pulled Esca’s briefs over his straining cock, sucking in a breath when it bounced up, almost smacking him in the nose. Esca gave a laugh and muttered, “sorry,” but Marcus didn’t mind at all. Instead of answering he leaned closer, darting his tongue out to lick at the tip. It was thick and bitter, but Marcus figured he could get used to it, fast.
“Marcus,” Esca whispered and Marcus looked up at him, his breath catching at the sight of Esca, flushed cheeks and disheveled hair, eyes wide and blown with lust. His cock surged, pressed against the duvet so he pulled back, pulling Esca’s jeans and briefs all the way off, fumbling with his shoes and socks, giving himself some much needed relief from the stimulation as he stripped Esca completely.
“Come here,” Esca said and Marcus was helpless to deny him, spreading out on top of Esca, thighs pressed together, forming delicious friction where their cocks were rubbing, his bigger chest flush with Esca’s smaller one. Esca wrapped around him, arms on his shoulder, pulling Marcus’ lips down to his, even as his legs spread to admit Marcus’ hips between them, pushing their cocks into closer contact as he wrapped them around Marcus’ waist.
Marcus’ arousal was peaking again, having that much bare skin in contact with Esca’s bare skin was bringing him remarkably close to climax.
“Marcus, do you have condoms?” Esca panted, using his grip on Marcus’ hair to manipulate him, not that Marcus minded. A bossy, demanding Esca was hot, even more in the bedroom. But he needn’t have held on so tight, as Marcus had gone still. Condoms. He hadn’t even considered them.
“No, I,” he said, a rush of insecurity coming over him. “I’ve never, uh, I’ve never done anything, you know...” he trailed off when Esca’s eyes went wide in surprise.
“You’re a virgin?” he said with a laugh, incredulous. Marcus rolled off him and sat up, swinging his legs off the edge of the bed. He looked down at his lap, flushing with embarrassment. He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing. Esca sat up too, scooting close and pressing himself against Marcus’ back, his legs bracketing Marcus’.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Esca said softly, pressing kisses across Marcus’ shoulders.
“Then why the laugh?” Marcus said quietly.
“Hey, come here,” Esca said, wrapping his arms around Marcus’ chest and pulling him back to lean against his chest. “It’s just that I was surprised. I mean, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, I just found it hard to believe that you’d never, with anyone.”
Marcus relaxed, letting Esca’s roaming hands ease his fears.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he scoffed, but he turned his fast into Esca’s neck anyway, taking a deep breath in, memorizing the smell of Esca’s skin.
“You are,” Esca insisted, so Marcus didn’t try to correct him. “But how did you make it to seventeen without, well, anything?”
“I’ve kissed a few girls,” Marcus said. “Mostly just Cottia, but they never did anything for me. I guess I’ve known all along that I’m gay, but I couldn’t face the idea, so I suppressed everything.”
“What do you mean, everything?” Esca asked softly, his hands drifting lower. Marcus began to shift against him, his arousal returning swiftly. He could feel Esca’s erection pressed against his lower back, hard but smooth, like silk over steel.
“I mean, everything. I didn’t look at the other boys, cause that made me think things I knew I shouldn’t. And I didn’t beat off, because whenever I did, I only thought of other boys, or male movie stars or something,” he said.
“You didn’t wank? Ever?” Esca sounded shocked and a little amazed.
“Well, yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I just had to, so I’d just do it as fast as I could and tried not to think about anything,” Marcus explained.
“That’s...kind of sad, actually,” Esca said, kissing Marcus’ shoulder again.
“It is what it is,” Marcus said. “I didn’t think I had any other choice.” Esca was silent for a few minutes, letting it all sink in. He was warm, surrounding Marcus, his hands roaming over all the skin they could reach, including Marcus’ renewed erection, his thighs, his belly and chest. He gasped and moaned when Esca gave his nipple a pinch, feeling Esca’s smile against his shoulder.
“Did you ever wank over me?” Esca asked, and Marcus laughed.
“Too often,” he said, smiling into Esca’s neck. “It drove me crazy that I couldn’t block you out.”
“I didn’t even try,” Esca said. “But then, I came to terms with being gay years ago.”
“Hmm,” Marcus hummed, feeling boneless under Esca’s expert hands. Well, almost.
“So, no condoms,” Esca said, tugging on Marcus’ cock a few times, then letting go and shifting on the bed, pushing Marcus down on his back and climbing on top of him. “We’ll just have to do something else this time.”
“This time?” Marcus asked, gripping Esca’s hips but staring at his cock, long and hard, bobbing with every move Esca made, trying to stifle a groan as it nudged against his.
“Yeah. Plenty of time to do whatever we want, yeah?” Esca said, taking one of Marcus’ hands and wrapping it around his own cock. “For now, touch me.”
So Marcus did, sliding it up and down, such a familiar sensation at a foreign angle. He loved the way Esca gasped when he pressed his thumb along the base, his hips jerking when Marcus squeezed just so.
“Yeah,” Esca said, panting, his hips moving more, rocking back and forth in Marcus’ hand. “Now add yours.”
“Huh?” Marcus said dumbly, tearing his eyes away from the sight of Esca’s cock disappearing into his fist. Esca pried his hand open, laying his cock along Marcus’, from base to tip and then wrapped Marcus’ hand around them both. He was almost able to wrap it completely around, but all he could think was how amazing it felt, how right, how exciting.
“I’ve been thinking about this since I noticed how big your hands are,” Esca said in a hushed voice, looking up at Marcus, who met his gaze. Esca wrapped his hand over the part that Marcus’ didn’t cover, and, not breaking his gaze, he pulled back, holding their cocks upright together before looking down and working a large glob of spit out and letting it fall onto them. Marcus thought it was filthy and gross, but as soon as Esca spread it around, easing the drag of foreskin on foreskin, Marcus completely forgot from where the lubrication had originated. They began moving their hands, awkwardly at first but soon they were stroking in sync, the two of them working together to keep the friction going.
Marcus pulled his gaze from Esca’s, looking down again to see the head of his cock pressed against Esca’s sliding in and out of their joined fists, and the sight of it was almost as arousing as the way it felt.
“Esca,” he whined, feeling the climax building, overtaking his senses.
“I know,” Esca said, his breath coming in harsh pants and there, a stream of pre-come squeezed out of Esca’s cock and Marcus lost it, spurting over their hands, his belly, covering both their cocks with slickness. It only took a few more strokes for Esca to come as well, adding a layer to Marcus’ already cooling release.
**
They lay side by side in the aftermath, tangled legs and sweaty skin, breathing quieted. Esca had pulled himself away shortly after they climaxed, padding to the bathroom and retrieving a towel which he used to wipe away the excess come, sucking one patch off his thumb, making Marcus’ cock twitch, remembering what he’d thought before about making Esca come with his mouth. They’d get to that, later.
“Marcus?” Esca said at last, his voice quiet, though it rumbled through his chest where Marcus’ head lay, Esca’s strong, lean fingers carding through his hair, rubbing his scalp. Marcus felt like a lazy dog, head in his master’s lap, but he loved it nonetheless.
“Hmm?”
“Do you remember your parents?”
Marcus thought for a moment and then answered, “not really. I was too young to remember much.”
“Sometimes I wonder if that would be better than-” Esca stopped speaking abruptly, so Marcus looked up at him, chin resting on Esca’s well defined pectoral.
“Than what?” he asked, not liking the lost look on Esca’s face.
“Sometimes I wish I could forget. My parents and my...my brothers,” Esca’s voice was strained, so Marcus pulled himself up further, bringing their faces level, noticing the sheen in Esca’s eyes.
“You’re,” he began, then started again, “what happened?” He’d never asked much about Esca’s family, but then Esca had always brushed him off, and he wasn’t inclined to push. If Esca had seemed down after he’d asked, Marcus must have ignored it, but he was paying attention now.
“Esca, what happened to them?” he asked, softly, waiting for Esca to speak.
“They...it was a burglary gone bad, they weren’t expecting them home, they knew I was at a comp....”
“Esca,” Marcus breathed, his heart breaking, he didn’t need any details, the look on Esca’s face told him all he needed to know.
“My brothers, they, they didn’t even have a chance, they were so little,” he broke off, biting his lip as a single tear slid from his eye. “A police officer came to the hotel I was in, and everything just...stopped. I left the comp and didn’t skate for months after that. I moved here because, Nan, and...”
Marcus leaned in and kissed him, tugging at Esca’s lips with his own, trying to convey as much comfort, as much acceptance as he could, but he was really at a loss. He’d never had to face any one else’s grief before, he’d barely been able to handle his own, and he didn’t remember his parents, anyway. The sheer scale of Esca’s loss seemed insurmountable.
“Esca, I,” he said kissing him again before continuing. “I’ll do anything, whatever you need, I...”
“Just don’t walk away again,” Esca said in a hushed whisper. “Don’t leave-” he broke off, burying his face into Marcus’ neck, his hands clasping Marcus almost painfully.
“Never,” Marcus said, and he had never meant anything more in his entire life.
Part 4
Hockey players aren’t gay...
Or are they? After all, if 10% of the population is gay, then so should 10% of hockey players be. Give or take. So why don’t we hear about them? It’s not too hard to figure out, really, we don’t hear about them because they are in hiding. Fearing for their livelihoods if anyone should find out, fearing for their good names. Because sport has such a bias against them. No, a prejudice. As if a man, an athlete, is defined by the one he loves, and not by himself.
There is such pressure in sport, even in individual sports, to mimic the ideal, the model that has been set down. Athletes are role models, after all, so they must take care in what they model, isn’t that right? But how is one to be a good role model when one hides a vital piece of oneself, as if ashamed? Such a thing is the opposite of admirable, and yet it is the standard in the sporting world.
So why am I writing this, to be published for all eyes to see, for everyone to know? Because the subject has been a torture to me for years now, something that I have pushed away, hidden and kept from notice, even from myself. For who could admit such a thing and still succeed in sport? In hockey?
I don’t know the answer to that. And yet, even if I had, if I could keep such a thing buried, hidden, that is no guarantee of success. There are endless possibilities that could prevent my chosen career. A bad step on a stair could be enough to injure, badly enough to prevent a career in hockey. A car accident, a disease, a lack of interest from the team I choose, from any team. I could be poked in the eye, or the ear, I could dive the wrong way in the pool and injure my spine, I could, I could, I could. So many possibilities, each one removing forever the dream that I have worked so hard for, for so long.
So many uncertainties. But one thing is certain.
I kissed a boy. And I liked it. Is that a cliche now? If it is, I don’t care, it’s true. I liked it so much that I can’t hide behind my fears and insecurities anymore. I liked it and I want to do it again. And again, for the rest of my life. There are other things like. I like hockey. I like swimming, running, kayaking, climbing. I like camping. I like snowboarding. I like writing, and spending time with my uncle. I like comic books. I like my truck. I like the Tragically Hip. I like science fiction and history. I like truth, and I like honesty.
A career in hockey is not a certainty, but a life of misery is, unless I am honest with not only myself, but with everyone.
Because I cannot love in secret, I cannot be ashamed of loving someone. I know the power of love, I have seen the dark side of it in my own life. My own father died of a broken heart, after all. Without my mother, he was lost, so much so that he couldn’t go on and sought only to dull to pain. To forget. He was weak and it led to his downfall. But if he did nothing else noteworthy in his life, he loved with all his heart and soul.
As horrible as my family’s history is, it has taught me something. A life without love is a life not worth living. My father taught me that.
So yes, hockey players are gay, some of them. I would know. I am a hockey player. And I am gay.
It seems pretty simple to me.
**
Marcus had known that his article was coming, he was expecting to see it in that day’s paper, but still, seeing the title and his name on the front page was a shock. And once the shock wore off, the apprehension and fear set in. What if he was wrong? What if it didn’t all work out, what if everyone hated him and Esca still wouldn’t talk to him?
Marcus didn’t go to the cafeteria for lunch as usual, he took his advance copy of the paper - Mark, the editor had slipped him a copy before his first class, the rest of them would be made available to the student body at lunchtime-and hid in the same stairwell he’d argued with Esca in. Perhaps it was a bad choice, the memory of the kiss they’d shared there flooded Marcus and, combined with the rising panic of his very public and irreversible outing, it only served to make him feel even more sick.
He was going to have a nervous breakdown and the response hadn’t even begun.
About halfway through lunch break the door to the stairwell opened and then closed, quietly. Marcus held his breath, wondering who was going to get the shock of their life to find him sitting there, no doubt white as a ghost, with his head in his hands.
“Marcus?” someone called out, and Marcus breathed a sigh of relief.
“Up here,” he said quietly, wondering if she heard him, but he needn’t have worried. He heard soft footsteps ascending the stairs, but he didn’t look up.
“Oh, Marcus,” Cottia said, sitting beside him and wrapping her arms around one of his, hugging it.
“Is it that bad?” Marcus asked, voice muffled by his hands.
“To tell you the truth, no one believes it,” she said. “They all think it’s some kind of joke.”
“But you don’t?”
“No,” she said, squeezing his arm. “Honestly? Too many things have just fallen into place since I read it.”
“It’s good to know I was that obvious,” Marcus said.
Cottia laughed. “Oh honey, you so weren’t. That’s why so many people think it’s a joke. Poor Mark, they’re all looking for him to give him shit.”
“He knew what he was getting into, he’s probably gone into hiding,” Marcus said with a laugh.
“Needless to say, it’s been a bit of a shock,” Cottia said. “I think it’ll be a while before people calm down.”
“Yeah, I figured it would be,” Marcus said. “Just can’t pretend anymore, you know?”
“I know,” Cottia said. They were silent for awhile, and Marcus was overwhelmed with gratitude toward her. Knowing he had a friend who accepted him, especially after the way he’d treated her, was such a relief, he felt like a burden had been lifted from him.
“So, why are you so cool about this?” Marcus asked, looking at her.
“At first I wasn’t, I was pretty pissed at you for using me as your beard,” she said, and Marcus flushed.
“Yeah, sorry about that, it was stupid of me,” he said. “One last attempt to pretend I’m normal, you know?”
“You are normal,” she scolded. “Anyway, I was angry at first, but then I thought about what you must have gone through. And then I realized that you’re in love with Esca and it all made sense.”
Marcus’ eyes widened. “What?” he said, stunned. “How do you know that?”
“I’m glad you’re not trying to deny it,” she said, nudging him with his shoulder.
“I hardly could,” he said, looking down at his hands. “But I’ve fucked it all up so bad, I don’t know if he’ll talk to me again.”
“What did you do? From my perspective, he’s pretty in love with you, too.”
“I kissed him,” Marcus said simply.
“And,” she prompted.
“And then I ran away. The night of the game, right after he got back,” he added.
“Before Christmas,” she said thoughtfully. Marcus could practically see the wheels in her head turning. “Oh Marcus,” she said again, turning to him. “No wonder you were such a mess that day.”
“I feel really bad about that, I’m sorry,” he said.
“It’s alright. You’ve already apologized and considering everything, it’s understandable,” she said. “So, you’re really gay, eh?”
“Yeah,” Marcus said, smiling weakly. “Fate really knows how to kick me in the balls.”
“Hey, that’s unfair,” Cottia said, glaring at him. “Sure it doesn’t make things any easier, wanting to be in the NHL, but you’re going to be all the stronger for it.”
“Don’t try to placate me, Cottia, I’m not in the mood,” he snapped.
“Put it this way,” she said. “If you had a choice to become straight tomorrow and give up Esca forever, would you?”
He looked up at her, eyes wide. “I...no. No, I could never give him up,” he said, putting his head in his hands again. “Dammit, Cottia.”
“Yes, I'm so sorry to be the voice of reason. We'd better get going, we'll be late for class,” she said, standing up and holding out her hand.
“Can't we be late?” Marcus pleaded.
“Do you want to bring more attention to yourself?”
“Time to go,” he said, taking her hand and squeezing it.
They left the stairwell like that, hand in hand, and that was how Charlie found them.
“I knew it was a joke!” he said, laughing. “I’ll kick Mark Fletcher’s ass once I find him, you just wait.”
Marcus looked down at their joined hands and then up at Charlie.
“Sorry to disappoint you Charlie, but the article is true. I would know, I wrote it,” Marcus said.
“Marcus is my friend Charlie, I can hold his hand if I like,” Cottia said, glaring at her brother. “Besides, he'll need the support if idiots like you are going to give him shit about it.”
“Shut up Cottia, this has nothing to do with you,” Charlie said, turning to face Marcus. “So are you saying you're a fag, Aquila?”
“I'm not denying anything, I stand by what I wrote,” Marcus said. “You read it, didn't you? Or did someone have to read it to you?”
“Oh, Marcus,” Cottia said, anticipating Charlie's reaction by letting go of Marcus’ hand and taking a step back.
“Are you calling me stupid?” Charlie snarled.
“No, I'm calling you illiterate, but if the shoe fits,” Marcus said, immediately ducking Charlie's flying fist. Years of playing hockey had given Marcus a keen eye for when the fist was coming for him, and he dodged, grabbing Charlie's fist and directing it away from Cottia, using Charlie's momentum to spin him and slam him against the bank of lockers with a crash that reverberated down the hallway. A crowd had already gathered around them, news of Marcus' article had spread quickly, but now every eye in the hallway was fixed on them.
Marcus kept moving, until he had Charlie pinned, face pressed against the wall and his arm twisted behind his back. He pressed Charlie into the wall mercilessly, putting all his weight and strength to the task.
“Listen close, you asshole,” he said, loud enough so everyone could hear him. He wanted to avoid a repeat performance, if possible. “I don't care what opinions you carry in that big dumb head of yours, but if I ever hear you use that word again in a derogatory fashion, I won't hesitate to break your face. I may be gay, but I'm not a pussy and I can still kick your pansy ass, Henderson.”
He yanked Charlie back then, pulling him off the wall and pushing him to the floor, just as the bell rang.
“Now fuck off,” Marcus said. “I have a class to get to.” He gave Cottia a smile and gestured toward their classroom and when they turned, he caught sight of Esca, leaning against the door frame of the math room. He met Marcus' eyes and for a brief second they were soft, showing more emotion than Marcus thought he realized, but they hardened quickly, shuttering the emotions away from sight.
Marcus received a pitying glance from Cottia, and he followed her into the math room, where Esca had taken a seat on the far side, away from any empty seats. Marcus spent a moment just looking at him, memorizing the sight of him all over, the tense set of his shoulders in contrast to the soft tendrils of his hair that teased his collar, the set of his jaw and the wiry muscles in his forearm.
He didn’t remember to sit until Cottia gave him a nudge and that’s when he noticed the rest of the students, some of them staring at him blatantly, some casting glances from the corner of their eyes, some whispering behind their hands, but every one of them aware that he was in the room.
Marcus sighed. It was going to be a long afternoon.
**
Esca slipped out of the classroom before Marcus could talk to him, despite being so far from the door.
‘Great,’ Marcus thought to himself. ‘Just when I don’t want to avoid him anymore, he takes to avoiding me.’
Cottia gave him a hug and sent him off to his next class, where he fielded a few queries about the article, but everyone either didn’t care, or didn’t care to make a fuss. He wondered how many had heard about his confrontation with Charlie and how many just didn’t want to make an issue with him. He was practically the biggest guy in the school, after all, and he wasn’t exactly out of shape. Besides he had a reputation for being quick to drop his gloves on the ice, if the need arose, so everyone knew he wasn’t afraid of a fight.
There were a few more people who came up to him at his locker and on his way out of the school, some to ask if it had been a joke and some to express support, but Esca was nowhere to be seen, and Marcus was looking for him.
He wasn’t waiting at the truck either, but Marcus had come to expect that. Esca hadn’t been there since the fall, before he’d left for the Grand Prix competitions. But Marcus couldn’t help the twinge in his chest, remembering the way things had been.
He was opening the door when he heard someone calling and turned to see Luke jogging towards him.
“Marcus, wait up,” Luke called, so Marcus closed the door again and turned to face him.
“Fuck me, son,” he said with a grin, slapping Marcus on the shoulder. “But you do know how to make an impact, don’t you?”
Marcus couldn’t help but laugh, and it felt good. “So, you’re alright with, you know, the article?” he asked.
“To be honest, it didn’t come as a huge surprise, once I’d read it,” Luke said. “Don’t get me wrong, I had no idea, but I’ve known for a while now that there was something you weren’t talking about, so it all kind of fit into place.”
“That’s what Cottia said,” Marcus said, feeling another weight lift from his shoulders.
“Smart girl, that,” Luke said with a gleam in his eye which made Marcus pause. Perhaps he’d have to put in a good word for Luke with Cottia, and see where it went.
“So, when are you going to get together with Esca, then?” Luke asked. Marcus wasn’t as surprised at the observation as he had been when Cottia had mentioned it, but he still felt like a fool.
“How many people know that I'm in love with Esca?” Marcus asked, incredulous.
“No idea,” Luke laughed. “But it's not a hard line to draw since you came out. We already knew that Esca's gay.”
“Yeah well, I don't think it'll be happening any time soon,” Marcus replied sadly. “I kind of fucked up there, and now he won't talk to me.”
“Well then you aren't trying hard enough,” Luke said. “Take my advice, don't hold back because you don't want to piss him off more, go after him. It's not like you need to hide it anymore, and you won't win him by skulking around in the shadows.”
“I never skulk,” Marcus scoffed.
“If you say so,” Luke said. “But go get him anyway. Listen, I've got to be off, but I'll see you Monday morning, yeah?”
“I'll be there,” Marcus agreed. Luke gave him another slap on the shoulder and left Marcus pondering his words. Luke was wise beyond his years, and it would do Marcus some good to listen to him.
**
The next day Marcus only practiced half-heartedly, hoping he’d be there when Esca arrived, but when the time came, there was no sign of him. He sighed heavily and retreated to the changing room, changing into his shoes and gathering his gear listlessly. He wondered if Esca would be on the ice when he got up there, as he had been the last few times, but he also knew that interrupting Esca’s training to confront him was the wrong move.
Sure enough, there he was, in the midst of a spin, legs crossed and arms wrapped around himself, spinning with uncanny speed when suddenly he sank like a stone, stretching one leg out in front of himself and gripping it with his hands, shooting the duck, as Esca had named it.
Marcus decided that he was not going to leave before he spoke with Esca, so he ran outside and quickly threw his gear into his truck and then jogged across the road to the Tim Horton’s for a latte and a bagel, to tide him over. When he went back in, he climbed the stairs behind the seating area and came out on the top tier, sitting in a dark corner where Esca would be unlikely to see him.
He stayed there for over two hours before Esca and Andrew left the ice, making way for the very group of pre-teen figure skaters that had plagued the first part of Marcus’ summer. He had eyes only for Esca however, quickly deducing that he would exit from one of the back doors, to avoid the crowd of people up front, parents and siblings of the girls on the ice, with a few young boys who came to watch the girls twirl.
He shoved his garbage into the nearest trash can and jogged down the back steps once more, weaving through the people in the foyer and out into the equally chilly air. He headed around the side of the arena, considering which door would be a more likely exit for Esca, choosing the one that faced the road toward his apartment building.
He didn’t have a long time to wait, within fifteen minutes the door opened and Esca stepped through, blinking a bit in the bright sunlight, not seeing Marcus until the door had swung shut behind him. When he did, he stopped still, eyes wide, flicking from side to side as if planning his escape route. Marcus shoved down the hurt that rose up, putting it aside in favour of more pressing things.
“Hi,” he said, croaking on the word, then clearing his throat, much as he had done the day they’d met. Esca didn’t say anything, just crossed his arms over his chest defiantly and glared. Marcus cringed a little, but he took a few steps forward instead.
“Look, I’m sorry for being an ass,” he began, hoping his apology would move Esca to speak. When it didn’t, he continued.
“I’m just under a lot of pressure, and I thought I’d screwed up my priorities, so I panicked. I’m not proud of myself,” he said, and Esca scoffed.
“It’s just that, being a hockey player comes with a certain expectation-” Esca interrupted him then, unpredictable as always.
“Haven’t we had this conversation?” he sneered. “I don’t care about your excuses.”
“And I have none,” Marcus agreed. “I just hoped you’d cut me a little slack for being an idiot and not seeing what I was throwing away being so obstinate.”
“I pointed it out to you, isn’t that enough?” Esca demanded. “What more do you want from me, Marcus?”
“I want a chance to make it right. I’ve tried to start already,” he said, but Esca interrupted him again.
“I saw your little article in the school paper, but what I don’t get is what difference it makes,” he said. Marcus just stared, unable to find the words to explain.
“It’s, I...” he tried, swallowing heavily and beginning again. “I’m trying to make things right, Esca. I’m trying to be honest. Does that mean nothing?”
“It means something,” Esca admitted. “But not enough. I told you we were through and I meant it. I’m not going to wait around for you to decide being a gay hockey player is too hard and recant, or decide that the game means more to you after all, and push me aside.”
Marcus felt a knot forming in his stomach again, realizing that this was the most they’d spoken in weeks and it was not going well.
“I won’t. Esca, can’t you see?” he pleaded, taking another step forward. “I’ve made up my mind. I’ll deal with what this means for my career when I have to, but I’d rather have you than any of that other shit. I love you.”
Esca flinched as if he’d been slapped, and a wall seemed to fall down over his face, turning it blank.
“Very convenient,” he said coldly. “But I meant what I said. I’m done.” He pushed past Marcus, slamming into him with his shoulder. Marcus grabbed his wrist and pulled him back, pleading, “Esca, wait,” but Esca would not be mollified.
“Don’t,” he said, wrenching his arm from Marcus’ grasp and walking away again.
“Esca!” Marcus called out, but there was no response. The irony of their reversed roles was not lost on him, as his chest ached with the loss he was just beginning to recognize might be the worst of his life.
**
By the time Marcus arrived home, he was overwhelmed by a surge of depression. He wanted to hide in his room and never come out. Unfortunately, Uncle and Stephan were leaving as he was coming in, so he had to talk to them. If only he’d been two minutes later.
“Marcus, my boy, there you are,” Uncle said, grinning. “How was practice?”
“Fine,” Marcus said sullenly. “I have a headache, I’m going to bed.”
“Can we bring you anything?” Stephan asked, but Marcus shook his head.
“No, just some quiet will do,” he said, starting up the stairs.
“We’ll be out for a few hours, checking out some properties,” Uncle said. “Just call if you need anything, alright?”
“Sure,” Marcus said. “Thanks.” He waved them out the door and retreated to his room. He wasn’t in there for too long before there was a quiet knock on the door.
“Come in,” he said, looking up from where he was slumped on the couch.
“I thought you could use some lunch,” Sassy said, carrying a tray with some juice, a few sandwiches and an apple.
“Thanks Sassy,” Marcus said, giving her a small smile.
“Oh love,” she said, putting the tray down on the coffee table and sitting beside him, flattening his hair with a gentle hand. Marcus closed his eyes and relaxed into it. “It’s all been a been a bit rough on you, hasn’t it?” she said. “It will turn out alright in the end.”
“I wish I could believe that,” Marcus replied. “It all seems a bit hopeless right now.”
“It always does, when you’re in the middle of it,” she said, leaning over to kiss his forehead. “I’m off for the day, love. There’s stew in the crockpot for dinner, and fresh biscuits cooling on the counter. I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?”
“Okay,” he said. “Thanks Sassy.”
“You’re welcome,” she said, closing his door behind her.
Marcus wasn’t feeling very hungry, but he ate the apple anyway and then got up to change into some comfy clothes. As he was pulling a shirt on over his pyjama pants he heard a knock on the door, so he went downstairs to answer it, wondering who it could be.
He opened the door and was shocked to see Esca standing on the other side.
“Esca?” he said.
“Can I come in?” Esca asked, and Marcus nodded dumbly, gesturing him in and the closing the door behind him.
“Is your uncle home?” Esca asked, glancing at the office door nervously.
“No, he and Stephan are out scouting properties. I, do you want a drink, or...” Marcus didn’t know what else to say, or what to do.
“I came to apologize,” Esca said suddenly.
“I thought I-” Marcus began, but Esca interrupted him.
“Just listen for once, would you?” he said, glaring.
“Okay,” Marcus said.
“Right, so I was a bit of a prat,” Esca began, raising a hand when Marcus opened his mouth to deny it. He closed it again, so Esca continued. “No, I was. I was too wrapped up in my own issues to realize that yours were pretty big too. When I left you behind I felt sick so when I saw the bus, I just got on it, without thinking about what I was doing.”
“It’s going around,” Marcus said.
“Yeah, a bit,” Esca agreed. “Anyway, I thought about it on the bus and I figured that I was being selfish and stupid and you deserved an apology.”
“I really don’t think so,” Marcus said, but Esca interrupted him again.
“But I’m giving you one,” he said, glaring at Marcus. Marcus grinned. How he’d missed that glare. “And asking you to give me another chance.”
“What, me?” Marcus shook his head. “I was trying to figure out a way to beg you for another chance.”
They just stared at each other for a few minutes, and Marcus could practically see the tension rising. He reached out, taking Esca’s hand and pulled him closer.
“So, can I have another chance?” he asked, dropping his eyes to Esca’s bitten lips.
“Yes, please,” Esca said, leaning closer. “Marcus?” he said.
“Yeah,” Marcus replied, wondering if now would be a good time to kiss him.
“I love you too.” Marcus tore his gaze away from those enticing lips.
“You,” he began, not able to form the words to continue.
“Yeah,” Esca said, and then he wrapped his arms around Marcus’ neck, pulling him in for a wet, open-mouthed kiss.
Marcus kissed back, not holding back, pulling Esca closer with both arms around his waist. They snogged heavily for a few minutes until Marcus pulled back, gasping for breath.
“Esca, god,” he panted, leaning in and sucking kisses up Esca’s jaw, laving his tongue over the stubble he found there. It was so arousing a sensation that he was instantly hard, and his hands let go of Esca’s waist to grip his head still, so he could do it again, and again.
“Wanted this for so long,” Esca panted. “You have no idea.”
“I do, I wanted you as soon as I saw you,” Marcus said, his hands sliding back down to cup Esca’s ass, which must have been the right thing to do because Esca groaned hotly and pressed his hips closer.
“Took you long enough,” he said, getting a death grip on Marcus’ hair and tugging. “Take me to bed, hockey boy.”
“Fuck yes,” Marcus said, turning Esca around and walking him back towards the stairs while trying to tug his t-shirt off. They stumbled back and fell, sliding down a few steps, limbs tangled. They laughed at each other for a moment, eyes catching as they panted in each other’s breaths. Marcus pressed his head against Esca’s, overwhelmed that it was finally happening.
“I thought you’d never,” he began, but Esca cut him off with a kiss, sucking on his bottom lip and swiping with his tongue, pulling back as Marcus started to kiss back.
“I thought you’d never,” Esca repeated, rubbing his thumb across Marcus’ jaw. “Let’s go upstairs.”
“Agreed,” Marcus said, pushing himself up and reaching down to pull Esca up as well. Esca tugged, pulling Marcus with him as he began walking up the stairs backwards, staring into Marcus’ eyes with the most intense look Marcus had ever seen. He followed, unable to do anything else, licking his lips as he went, the taste of Esca still on them.
Esca reached down and grabbed the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it off with one quick motion and throwing it behind him, still ascending the stairs in reverse, taunting Marcus with what seemed like miles of taunt, pale skin, covering the muscles that Marcus could see flexing underneath it. He dropped his hands to his jeans and popped the button as he reached the top, making Marcus lose his concentration.
He fell the rest of the way up and Esca laughed, backing up a few more steps and smiling down at him. Marcus looked up at him and from that angle he could see the outline of Esca’s cock, bulging against his zipper almost obscenely.
“Forgotten how to walk?” Esca asked with a cheeky grin.
“You turn me into a complete idiot, you know that?” Marcus said, climbing up the stairs and pulling Esca into his arms again, this time sucking on the tender skin at the base of his neck, hands roaming his naked back.
“So that explains your behaviour lately,” Esca said, pulling on Marcus’ shirt and pushing his head to the side, detaching Marcus’ lips from his neck to pull the shirt over his head, dropping it on the floor. Marcus pulled them flush again, moaning at the first press of their bare chests. He pushed forward, pressing Esca against the wall, feeling the bulge under his jeans and pressing his own against it.
Esca grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled Marcus’ head back up so they were kissing again, sloppy and wet and with too much tongue, but Marcus didn’t care. It was Esca and they were kissing, and that was all that mattered to him. Esca tugged his hair again and Marcus pulled up again, releasing Esca’s lips reluctantly.
“Bedroom,” Esca said, panting, but all Marcus could think about was his lips, swollen and red, slick with saliva from their kisses.
“Uh huh,” Marcus said, but he didn’t make any attempt to move until Esca pinched his neck.
“Move it,” he said, shoving Marcus away and heading down toward the end of the hall where Marcus’ room was. Marcus followed, eagerly, grabbing Esca by the hips and pulling until his chest was pressed against Esca’s back. He let his hands wander over Esca’s chest and his flat belly as his lips searched out the sensitive spots along Esca’s neck.
“Marcus, hold on,” Esca said, when Marcus pressed him up against the door frame. “I said take me to bed, not molest me in the corridor.”
“Mmm, it’s your fault,” Marcus said, sucking a hickey onto Esca’s neck. “You took your shirt off, and I lost all self control.”
“I can put it back on if you-” Esca said, but Marcus spun him around and kissed the words right out of his mouth.
“No need,” Marcus said, pressing forward again, deftly guiding Esca away from the couch and toward the bed in the far corner. “I’d rather we work at getting these jeans off.”
“Yours too,” Esca said, tugging at Marcus’ loose pyjama pants. “Naked is better.”
Esca’s legs hit the bed and he fell back, pulling Marcus down on top of him, shoving Marcus’ pants off as much as he could in the process.
“Shit,” Marcus said as his sensitive cock rubbed against Esca’s jeans. it was maddening, so he pressed harder, laying his body flush against Esca’s, kissing him again, with less skill than enthusiasm. He kissed his way down Esca’s chest, leaving a trail behind that cooled, bringing goosebumps up, making Marcus retrace his path just to feel them against his tongue.
“Marcus, please,” Esca said, pushing his head lower even as his fingers tightened in Marcus’ hair.
“Patience,” Marcus said, sucking a brown nipple until it peaked under his tongue.
“I’ve waited long enough, you prat, get on with it,” Esca said, pulling harder until Marcus’ scalp ached. Marcus didn’t really feel like drawing it out anyway, there would be time for that, so he undid Esca’s jeans, pulling them down just enough to reveal the substantial bulge under his briefs.
There Marcus paused with wide eyes, rubbing his hand across it gently, pulling a pained sounding groan from Esca’s kiss-swollen lips. Now that he was here, faced with the stark reality of his sexuality, he thought that perhaps he should have been apprehensive, but he wasn’t. He was more turned on than he’d ever been in his life, and he wanted nothing more than to taste it, taste Esca, sucking him down all the way and making him come, the way he’d seen the girls do to all the men in Dale’s favorite pornos.
He pulled Esca’s briefs over his straining cock, sucking in a breath when it bounced up, almost smacking him in the nose. Esca gave a laugh and muttered, “sorry,” but Marcus didn’t mind at all. Instead of answering he leaned closer, darting his tongue out to lick at the tip. It was thick and bitter, but Marcus figured he could get used to it, fast.
“Marcus,” Esca whispered and Marcus looked up at him, his breath catching at the sight of Esca, flushed cheeks and disheveled hair, eyes wide and blown with lust. His cock surged, pressed against the duvet so he pulled back, pulling Esca’s jeans and briefs all the way off, fumbling with his shoes and socks, giving himself some much needed relief from the stimulation as he stripped Esca completely.
“Come here,” Esca said and Marcus was helpless to deny him, spreading out on top of Esca, thighs pressed together, forming delicious friction where their cocks were rubbing, his bigger chest flush with Esca’s smaller one. Esca wrapped around him, arms on his shoulder, pulling Marcus’ lips down to his, even as his legs spread to admit Marcus’ hips between them, pushing their cocks into closer contact as he wrapped them around Marcus’ waist.
Marcus’ arousal was peaking again, having that much bare skin in contact with Esca’s bare skin was bringing him remarkably close to climax.
“Marcus, do you have condoms?” Esca panted, using his grip on Marcus’ hair to manipulate him, not that Marcus minded. A bossy, demanding Esca was hot, even more in the bedroom. But he needn’t have held on so tight, as Marcus had gone still. Condoms. He hadn’t even considered them.
“No, I,” he said, a rush of insecurity coming over him. “I’ve never, uh, I’ve never done anything, you know...” he trailed off when Esca’s eyes went wide in surprise.
“You’re a virgin?” he said with a laugh, incredulous. Marcus rolled off him and sat up, swinging his legs off the edge of the bed. He looked down at his lap, flushing with embarrassment. He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing. Esca sat up too, scooting close and pressing himself against Marcus’ back, his legs bracketing Marcus’.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Esca said softly, pressing kisses across Marcus’ shoulders.
“Then why the laugh?” Marcus said quietly.
“Hey, come here,” Esca said, wrapping his arms around Marcus’ chest and pulling him back to lean against his chest. “It’s just that I was surprised. I mean, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, I just found it hard to believe that you’d never, with anyone.”
Marcus relaxed, letting Esca’s roaming hands ease his fears.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he scoffed, but he turned his fast into Esca’s neck anyway, taking a deep breath in, memorizing the smell of Esca’s skin.
“You are,” Esca insisted, so Marcus didn’t try to correct him. “But how did you make it to seventeen without, well, anything?”
“I’ve kissed a few girls,” Marcus said. “Mostly just Cottia, but they never did anything for me. I guess I’ve known all along that I’m gay, but I couldn’t face the idea, so I suppressed everything.”
“What do you mean, everything?” Esca asked softly, his hands drifting lower. Marcus began to shift against him, his arousal returning swiftly. He could feel Esca’s erection pressed against his lower back, hard but smooth, like silk over steel.
“I mean, everything. I didn’t look at the other boys, cause that made me think things I knew I shouldn’t. And I didn’t beat off, because whenever I did, I only thought of other boys, or male movie stars or something,” he said.
“You didn’t wank? Ever?” Esca sounded shocked and a little amazed.
“Well, yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I just had to, so I’d just do it as fast as I could and tried not to think about anything,” Marcus explained.
“That’s...kind of sad, actually,” Esca said, kissing Marcus’ shoulder again.
“It is what it is,” Marcus said. “I didn’t think I had any other choice.” Esca was silent for a few minutes, letting it all sink in. He was warm, surrounding Marcus, his hands roaming over all the skin they could reach, including Marcus’ renewed erection, his thighs, his belly and chest. He gasped and moaned when Esca gave his nipple a pinch, feeling Esca’s smile against his shoulder.
“Did you ever wank over me?” Esca asked, and Marcus laughed.
“Too often,” he said, smiling into Esca’s neck. “It drove me crazy that I couldn’t block you out.”
“I didn’t even try,” Esca said. “But then, I came to terms with being gay years ago.”
“Hmm,” Marcus hummed, feeling boneless under Esca’s expert hands. Well, almost.
“So, no condoms,” Esca said, tugging on Marcus’ cock a few times, then letting go and shifting on the bed, pushing Marcus down on his back and climbing on top of him. “We’ll just have to do something else this time.”
“This time?” Marcus asked, gripping Esca’s hips but staring at his cock, long and hard, bobbing with every move Esca made, trying to stifle a groan as it nudged against his.
“Yeah. Plenty of time to do whatever we want, yeah?” Esca said, taking one of Marcus’ hands and wrapping it around his own cock. “For now, touch me.”
So Marcus did, sliding it up and down, such a familiar sensation at a foreign angle. He loved the way Esca gasped when he pressed his thumb along the base, his hips jerking when Marcus squeezed just so.
“Yeah,” Esca said, panting, his hips moving more, rocking back and forth in Marcus’ hand. “Now add yours.”
“Huh?” Marcus said dumbly, tearing his eyes away from the sight of Esca’s cock disappearing into his fist. Esca pried his hand open, laying his cock along Marcus’, from base to tip and then wrapped Marcus’ hand around them both. He was almost able to wrap it completely around, but all he could think was how amazing it felt, how right, how exciting.
“I’ve been thinking about this since I noticed how big your hands are,” Esca said in a hushed voice, looking up at Marcus, who met his gaze. Esca wrapped his hand over the part that Marcus’ didn’t cover, and, not breaking his gaze, he pulled back, holding their cocks upright together before looking down and working a large glob of spit out and letting it fall onto them. Marcus thought it was filthy and gross, but as soon as Esca spread it around, easing the drag of foreskin on foreskin, Marcus completely forgot from where the lubrication had originated. They began moving their hands, awkwardly at first but soon they were stroking in sync, the two of them working together to keep the friction going.
Marcus pulled his gaze from Esca’s, looking down again to see the head of his cock pressed against Esca’s sliding in and out of their joined fists, and the sight of it was almost as arousing as the way it felt.
“Esca,” he whined, feeling the climax building, overtaking his senses.
“I know,” Esca said, his breath coming in harsh pants and there, a stream of pre-come squeezed out of Esca’s cock and Marcus lost it, spurting over their hands, his belly, covering both their cocks with slickness. It only took a few more strokes for Esca to come as well, adding a layer to Marcus’ already cooling release.
**
They lay side by side in the aftermath, tangled legs and sweaty skin, breathing quieted. Esca had pulled himself away shortly after they climaxed, padding to the bathroom and retrieving a towel which he used to wipe away the excess come, sucking one patch off his thumb, making Marcus’ cock twitch, remembering what he’d thought before about making Esca come with his mouth. They’d get to that, later.
“Marcus?” Esca said at last, his voice quiet, though it rumbled through his chest where Marcus’ head lay, Esca’s strong, lean fingers carding through his hair, rubbing his scalp. Marcus felt like a lazy dog, head in his master’s lap, but he loved it nonetheless.
“Hmm?”
“Do you remember your parents?”
Marcus thought for a moment and then answered, “not really. I was too young to remember much.”
“Sometimes I wonder if that would be better than-” Esca stopped speaking abruptly, so Marcus looked up at him, chin resting on Esca’s well defined pectoral.
“Than what?” he asked, not liking the lost look on Esca’s face.
“Sometimes I wish I could forget. My parents and my...my brothers,” Esca’s voice was strained, so Marcus pulled himself up further, bringing their faces level, noticing the sheen in Esca’s eyes.
“You’re,” he began, then started again, “what happened?” He’d never asked much about Esca’s family, but then Esca had always brushed him off, and he wasn’t inclined to push. If Esca had seemed down after he’d asked, Marcus must have ignored it, but he was paying attention now.
“Esca, what happened to them?” he asked, softly, waiting for Esca to speak.
“They...it was a burglary gone bad, they weren’t expecting them home, they knew I was at a comp....”
“Esca,” Marcus breathed, his heart breaking, he didn’t need any details, the look on Esca’s face told him all he needed to know.
“My brothers, they, they didn’t even have a chance, they were so little,” he broke off, biting his lip as a single tear slid from his eye. “A police officer came to the hotel I was in, and everything just...stopped. I left the comp and didn’t skate for months after that. I moved here because, Nan, and...”
Marcus leaned in and kissed him, tugging at Esca’s lips with his own, trying to convey as much comfort, as much acceptance as he could, but he was really at a loss. He’d never had to face any one else’s grief before, he’d barely been able to handle his own, and he didn’t remember his parents, anyway. The sheer scale of Esca’s loss seemed insurmountable.
“Esca, I,” he said kissing him again before continuing. “I’ll do anything, whatever you need, I...”
“Just don’t walk away again,” Esca said in a hushed whisper. “Don’t leave-” he broke off, burying his face into Marcus’ neck, his hands clasping Marcus almost painfully.
“Never,” Marcus said, and he had never meant anything more in his entire life.
Part 4