New angst-let. What IS it with that??
Well this came on me rather suddenly. It was surprising to say the least. All this time I was intending to write a Companion fic for No Need to Argue, from Sirius' POV, but instead a sequel, an aftermath exploded from my head unexpectedly. I am wondering if I am chanelling
aoifeism in her absence. *ponders* Anyway, here it is, sorry if it breaks your heart, but hey, misery loves company right??
Title: If I’d Have Known
Author/Artist:
aquila_star
Rating: PG
Summary: Exactly where was Remus on Halloween1981?
Disclaimer: If they were mine we’d be in bed, not on the computer, silly.
Warnings: extreme angst
Notes: This piece is a sequel to No Need to Argue. It was inspired suddenly by the Trisha Yearwood song; I Would have Loved you Anyway.
If I’d have know the way this would end
If I’d have read the last page first
If I’d have had the strength to walk away
If I’d have known how this would hurt
As Halloween approached Remus found himself packing. Since Sirius had left he had been unable to pay the rent on the small flat they had shared, and in point of fact he was eager to leave. There were too many memories here, good and bad; he saw glimpses of Sirius out of the corner of his eye as he went about his day. Sirius was like a ghost in the flat, his invisible presence leaving Remus shaken and desolate.
As Remus went through the flat packing he found himself lost in the memories each room evoked. Sirius in the kitchen, burning toast but frying the eggs to perfection. Sirius on the couch laughing as he entertained Remus and James with tales of his adventures as a junior curse breaker. Sirius in the bathroom clad in only a towel and sleek wet skin, smelling of soap and dog, brushing his straight white teeth sloppily as he grinned up at the Remus reflected in the mirror. And finally, Sirius in the bedroom, lying spread eagled on the bed as he waited for Remus to get undressed, quicksilver eyes burning with lust and adoration.
It’s bittersweet to look back now
Memories withered on the vine
Just to hold you close to me
For a moment in time
Remus had to stop many times to collect himself, to control the tears that threatened. If he let them go he was afraid they may never stop; the force of feeling and memory too much for his battered soul to cope with. Still, the tears leaked out unbidden, leaving trails of moisture on his dusty face.
He spent Halloween night alone in the flat, putting the finishing touches on the packing and casting shrinking charms at the boxes to make them movable. There was no one to help him move, he had not spoken to any of his friends for weeks, and then only in snatches at Order meetings. He felt as detached from them now as he had in their first year. As if they weren’t his friends, as if they were just people he was friendly with. The loss of his family hurt almost as much as the loss of Sirius and he wondered how close they had been in the first place for this to have happened. How they could have tossed him aside, break up or not.
There was a time when they would have done anything for him, and in fact they had, risking their lives and futures to accomplish illegal magic, the only reason being to secure some small measure of comfort for him.
The two moons he had suffered through since Sirius left him had been brutal, worse than any other that he could remember. It had been years since he had gone through it alone, and now the pain of transformation was coupled with the loss of his pack. He felt the loss of the stag and the rat, and more keenly the dog who had been his mate, his match. He tore at himself with renewed fury, his howls echoed in the small space he had warded himself into as he paced out the night, pain and misery his only companions.
Once all the boxes were packed and reduced, he slid to the floor of the mostly empty bedroom, and let the tears out at last. There was no one to talk to now, no one to visit, no one to ease the ache of loneliness. James and Lily were under the Fidelus, Sirius their Secret Keeper, and Peter was distant and unreachable, day to day life keeping him away, an excuse perhaps, but one Remus accepted with a defeated finality that brought on a burning in his eyes, even on those nights when the moon was past.
The tears flowed out in a river, sobs racking his too thin body as he mourned them, mourned them as if they were no longer alive, as if they had been wiped from the earth. Was it worse now, the loneliness, for having known them, been close to them? Was it better, having the memories, bittersweet on his tongue as he tried to bring them near, push them away? The pain of loss was keen, but as the tears finally slowed and the sobs was exchanged for whimpers Remus found himself certain that it had not been for nothing. He had been loved once upon a time. He would hold those memories close for the rest of his life, to ease the emptiness inside him, the social outcast, exiled for real at long last.
Early on the first day of November Remus reduced the rest of his sparse possessions, his toiletries, a few books and the bed, the vast bed that could hold several people, it was his alone now, and the space that surrounded him as he slept was almost painful. Emptiness was inside him and out. He sighed deeply as he packed everything into a few suitcases, he would not be making this trip twice. He exited the flat for the last time, not looking back, he had done all the looking back he could bear the night before. He left his key with the landlady and turned down the street, making his way painfully into the heart of London, into the grungier neighborhoods where he had rented a dingy two room flat.
He arrived after a short journey, one that had seemed to him to last forever, the streets of London stretching out into the distance before him, just like the years of his life. He let himself in and piled his suitcases onto the floor, and slid down to join them. There were no more tears, but the pain was still fresh, and no matter how he tried the memories came back again, but now it was Sirius alone who was in his thoughts.
Even if I’d seen it coming
You’d still have seen me running
Straight into your arms
He was unaware of how long he had sat there for, until his backside was bruised and his limbs were stiff before he finally pulled himself up. He should eat, but he had no food, little money, and no desire to face the world again. He had just decided to unpack what he needed for the coming night and attempt to sleep when he heard a tapping at his window.
Remus wondered who could possibly know he was here, until he saw the handwriting on the envelope. He petted the owl, apologizing for not having any treats, and closed the window as the bird flew off. He was tempted to leave the letter for the morning, but only the identity of the writer and Remus’ knowledge that it was likely important convinced him to open it instead.
He scanned the contents quickly, cold fear and disbelief sweeping through him as he read. His hands shook as knowledge settled in, the tremors soon spreading throughout his body. He sank to the floor again, dropping the letter from nerveless fingers, his face dry but his soul howling out loud, howling for the pain and the desolation to overcome him. He tried to drown in it, but he couldn’t. He had mourned them all last night, mourned them even as they died, mourned them as they betrayed. The feeling of loss sharpened again, final this time, irreparable, the possibility gone beyond hope or desire.
He was truly alone.
******** ******** ********
The morning light had cut a swath through the dinginess of the flat as the door opened. A dark shadow slipped in, much as Remus had slipped out mere hours earlier. The darkness around the shape dissipated and the sharp lines of an aristocratic face came into relief.
“Moony?” A voice called out, hoarse with sorrow and regret, even as sharp grey eyes took in the emptiness of the flat, emptiness that was mirrored in the hearts of the men who had lived there, happy together for a time.
“Remus?” the voice called out again, futilely, it’s owner struck by a new feeling of hopelessness as the truth sunk in. Remus was gone.
Tears poured unbidden out of grey eyes, tears of fury, of loss, of self hatred. He had done it again. He had bollocksed things up so badly this time, there was no return. No reconciliation, no renewal of friendship. No apologies could be given, and no forgiveness granted. This was the pinnacle of his destructive career, and the reality of it sat in his belly like a stone.
There was no James. There was no Lily, Harry was alone. Remus was gone. Desperation surged through him once more as he turned to leave again, not looking back, and then he slipped out into the sunlight of the quiet street. All he could do now was look forward.
Moments later a shaggy black dog slipped into the underbrush, nose to the ground. He had a rat to catch.
I would have loved you anyway
I’d do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I would have loved you anyway.
X-posted around a bit.