Damaged, Chapter Forty Eight
Title: Damaged
Author: aquariuslover
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: R
Genre: Future AU, Drama, Angst
Summary: On a cold winter’s day he cast their love away for the sake of his family. The following autumn an act of vengeance left their love beyond the reaches of forgiveness. Two summers later a fan’s anger and the ultimate act of self-sacrifice would redefine everything they knew about love, pride, selfishness, and forgiveness.
A world of thanks always to Kinmotsu and Amy for all they do. Much love to everybody who comments!
I can not stress how important it is to read this slowly…I do not recommend speed reading at all.
Previous Chapters
Changmin sat in the back of the limo watching Yunho and Junsu, who sat across him. Junsu was zonked out beside Yunho, leaning against him as he slept soundly, as if a painful past had never existed between them. It was as if the years of pain, misery, hate, and separation had been washed away completely for Junsu. This Junsu who was so open with his emotions was very much like the Junsu that Changmin had met for the very first time so long ago in a SM practice room. Junsu made no secret of his love for Yunho and Changmin, of his desire to overcome the years of broken promises, hurt, misunderstandings, and lies. Junsu’s heart was laid bare and even for all his pessimism Changmin could not refuse it, and Yunho accepted it without question.
Somewhere along the years they had spent together in the group, Junsu had started feeling the urge to compete with Yunho, and not always in a brotherly love way. Yunho, who was also competitive, took up the challenge, but there was an edge to Junsu’s competitive nature with Yunho that Yunho never returned. Changmin wondered if Jae had noticed this too and if it was the reason he had chosen Junsu to seduce. Changmin refused to believe that Junsu ever felt anything lustful for Jae till Jae set out for his ultimate revenge, but how much easier did Junsu’s desire to best Yunho make it for Jae?
To Changmin, although his love for Yunho and their similar value system was well documented, it was Junsu who was most like Yunho. They both knew nothing of being lazy. They only ever tried their best. They would both dance till their feet bled. They both were capable of being totally oblivious to what was going on around them. They were both controlled and influenced by powerful parents…and they both had finally broken free of the hold their powerful parents had on them to become their own men.
Changmin’s eyes drifted to Yunho and he felt great worry. Changmin loved Jae, but he feared him more. He feared what Jae could do to Yunho. Why Jae was purposely setting out to hurt Yunho, his rational mind could never grasp. Last night they had sang as five again and it had been beautiful…one of the greatest moments of Changmin’s life, and the five of them barely had time to rejoice before that look…that look of darkness had taken over Jae’s face. Jae had broken from the four of them to make a great show of leaving with his friends and ex-lovers. Yoochun had hurried after him, vowing to keep his eye on him, but the look on Yunho’s face showed what little faith he had in Yoochun. Could anybody on this earth control Jae when he set out to hurt Yunho? Yunho could protect others…but who could protect Yunho from Jae’s wrath?
Changmin knew it was Yunho’s plans to leave for rehab at the end of the week that had set Jae off, but the Yunjae rumors circulating all over the net did not help. Were the Yunjae rumors driving Jae to flaunt himself with anybody but Yunho? Many people were questioning just what kind of friend spends a year of their life at the bedside of an old, estranged friend? Jae’s adamant refusal to come out had shocked Changmin. He had always imagined something else entirely. When Changmin had confessed this to Heechul, Heechul had actually sneered at him and accused him of being naïve.
“You should sleep,” Yunho’s quiet voice commanded, stirring Changmin from his thoughts.
“You should follow your own advice,” Changmin told him, meeting the other man’s eyes with his own.
“I would if I could,” Yunho told him as he turned his gaze back to the window and the passing scenery.
“You should try. I mean you can’t be slurring or limping when you tell the world that Dong Bang Shin Ki is five again…it’s a big day for you,” Changmin said, gently reminding Yunho of the announcement he would be making later today.
“Nothing will keep me from making that announcement…on today of all days.”
“Does it feel like a year has passed?”
“It feels like a thousand years have passed. I remember the first time I looked into a mirror after awakening. My body…it was so weak, but my face looked so much younger. Like it had been giving a long peaceful sleep and now I can feel it aging again.”
“Have you heard anything from him?”
“Not from him, but there is news of him all over,” Yunho said bitterly of the pictures of Jae all over the Internet with multiple Japanese celebrities.
“You know, but that was last night. I don’t think there is anything new. He was just making a show of it. I don’t think he would….”
“You don’t know what he would do. I don’t know what he would do…to be completely honest. He’s punishing me for going to rehab….when he feels abandoned,” Yunho stopped, not wanting to put into words his fears.
“You must have thought his offer was sincere? I mean he told you to go,” Changmin explained, trying to make sense of it.
“I thought he was sincere. He seemed sincere, but maybe he was only telling me that so I would refuse to go. Testing me…perhaps? Or maybe he was sincere at the time but then the reality of it changed everything,” Yunho said, turning back to face Changmin and looking lost.
Changmin pushed farther back against the car seat and said aloud a concern he often thought to himself. “Sometimes I think your dad was actually doing you a favor.”
Yunho’s eyes widened. “Changmin, you don’t mean that.”
“I sometimes do. I don’t know what you can ever do to make him feel secure…make him sane.”
Yunho gave Changmin a soft smile. “I do, but he’ll never agree to it.”
“Sleep,” Junsu whined in a sleep-filled voice from Yunho’s side, causing the older man to smile.
“Junsu’s right…we should at least try,” Yunho said, leaning his head back. “We will soon be there.”
***************
Junsu stepped out of the limo and looked upon Clear Creek for the first time. He inhaled a deep breath as he faced what many thought to be the last resting place of Jung Yunho. The guilt he had suffered from after Yunho’s shooting had weighed so heavily upon him for so long…because if he had not been the fool of so many Yunho would’ve never ended up here. If he had not been his mother’s pawn and Jae’s toy of revenge then the five of them would have never reached such a broken state. If he had only been a stronger man…none of this need ever had happened.
“You are going to have to use the cane today.” Changmin’s concerned voice disturbed Junsu from his inner demons.
“I don’t…”
“No, you are not steady today. Did you even sleep on the ride here?” Changmin interrupted, asking Yunho who had just got out of the limo looking very tired.
“No,” Yunho admitted, taking the cane from Changmin. “I didn’t.”
“Are you really up to this?” Changmin asked worriedly, as he watched Yunho walk toward the entrance.
“Yes, I am. Welcome to my home away from home,” Yunho told them, reaching out and motioning toward the facility that has sheltered him for so long.
Junsu hurried to catch up with Yunho. “It looks nicer than I imagined. It looks so peaceful.”
Yunho paused at the door, waiting for a concerned Changmin, and turned to Junsu. “It was a good place to recover. Bong Cha, Hana, Maggie, Bill…I’ve missed them.”
“I liked Bill,” Changmin said, approaching the other two men. “He used to work you real good at the hospital, and I think he had Jae’s number.”
Yunho smiled at Changmin. “Oh, he had both our numbers. He once referred to Jae as my husband. It’s the closest I ever came to dying of embarrassment.”
“If Jae was the husband…what did that make you?” Changmin asked evilly as Junsu tried to control his laughter.
Yunho lifted up his cane and hit Changmin’s leg with it. “It was horrible. I instantly developed an eye twitch. I couldn’t even deny it, my speech was so bad.”
Junsu opened the door for Yunho. “I can’t imagine not being able to understand you.”
“It was bad back then. When I first woke up I kept trying to talk to them, but all they heard was incoherent garble,” Yunho said as he walked through the door.
“I’ve never seen it really bad either,” Changmin said, walking beside Junsu as they followed Yunho inside. “I have seen it screwed up but not impossible to understand.”
Yunho walked up to the main desk and was immediately greeted by an excited receptionist. “Yunho! I mean Mr. Jung! It’s such a nice surprise to see you.”
“I am always Yunho here,” Yunho told her, smiling at her excitement at seeing him. Junsu and Changmin smiled at her too.
“Yes, Yunho. It’s very good to see you. How can I help you?”
“I need to see a couple nurses first thing. Can you point me in the direction of Bong Cha and Hana?” Yunho asked her, still smiling at her excitement.
“Hana no longer works here, but Bong Cha is down B Hall,” the receptionist helpfully told him.
Yunho instantly frowned, nodded his head in thanks, and headed toward B Hall. “Jae…I…can’t believe him!”
“Didn’t he say he failed to have her fired?” Junsu asked, casting a worried glace at Changmin.
“He was lying apparently,” Changmin said, pointing out the obvious.
“I will hire her as my personal nurse…I will show him,” Yunho fumed as he walked down B Hall in search of Bong Cha.
“Well, that’s one…” Changmin, who had been following closely behind Yunho, came to abrupt stop as he walked into Yunho, who had stalled in the hallway his eyes focused on a tall, slender nurse who was probably in her late forties who was studying a chart intently.
The three of them watched as the nurse looked up, sensing that she was being watched. She raised both eyebrows when she noticed Yunho in the hall. “Yunho, what a nice surprise.”
“Bong Cha! God, I missed you,” Yunho told the nurse as he headed toward her. Bong Cha reached out her hand for Yunho, but he ignored it to give her a bear hug.
Junsu laughed at the startled expression on the woman’s face. “He’s a hugger.”
Changmin couldn’t help but grin as Yunho just clung to the nurse, not saying anything. “Yunho, let go or she might file charges against you.”
Yunho pulled away and blushed. “I’m sorry. I am just so glad to see you. I mean a year ago I woke up here…and…you…Hana…I owe,” Yunho stopped, his emotions overwhelming him as his eyes filled with tears of gratitude.
Junsu walked up beside his emotional hyung and rubbed his back, comforting him.
“I can never thank you enough for all you did for him. He always spoke so highly of you. If there’s anything you ever need just let us know,” Changmin told her, feeling terribly indebted to the woman who had taken such good care of his dearest of hyungs.
“Nonsense, it was my job…a job that I delighted in,” she told them, reaching out to squeeze Yunho’s arm. “I never had any patient half as determined…you made me so proud, and still make me so proud.”
Yunho controlled his emotions enough to speak. “Thank you, so much. I can never repay you for the wonderful care you gave me, and I am so sorry about Hana.”
Bong Cha looked at him, confused. “Sorry about Hana? Last I heard she was happy working for the Ryu’s.”
“Jae didn’t have her fired?” Junsu asked happily from beside Yunho.
Bong Cha shook her head and frowned at the mention of Jae. “No, he tried but it was ridiculous and all us nurses would not stand for it.”
“She is working with Mr. Ryu?” Yunho asked, amazed. “I would love to see them both.”
Bong Cha chucked. “Not for Mr. Ryu…for his daughter and her husband. They hired her as their nanny.”
“The triplets?” Yunho said, grinning at the thought of Hana chasing those girls around. “I hope she is getting paid well.”
Bong Cha nodded her head. “She is.” She looked at Yunho fondly, still squeezing his arm. “Yunho, I have to go. I have a patient in the whirlpool room. It was so good to see you.”
“Oh, of course. I won’t keep you from your work,” Yunho told her.
Bong Cha stepped away and started to turn around when she stopped. “Yunho, there is a bitter young man in the dining room playing cards that would be happy to see you, although he would never admit it.”
**********
“There he is,” Yunho said, pointing to the young man that sat alone at a table playing cards with himself. “I really only got close to him at the end of my stay here. I was kinda a hermit for most of my stay.”
“He’s so young,” Junsu said, “he’s just a kid.”
Yunho nodded his head. “Yeah, I know, but he has a mouth on him. He makes Changmin look like a sweet pussy cat.”
“Losing the use of your legs and your parents would make one bitter,” Changmin said wistfully of the boy.
“True,” Yunho agreed, walking toward the table. The boy never looked up as Yunho pulled out a chair and sat down opposite of him. Junsu and Changmin both stood behind Yunho, waiting for the kid to look up from his cards.
“You need to get lost,” the kid said without ever taking his eyes off his cards. “Dr. Kim can go suck himself off because I don’t need any social interaction. So get lost already.”
Yunho smiled and couldn’t keep the humor out of his voice. “I know my way around here really good, so it would be hard to get lost.”
The boy looked up, his eyes widening, and he practically shrieked, “Yunho!”
“Glad to see me, Bae?”
“No….just shocked,” Bae told him, denying any happiness at seeing Yunho. Bae looked at Changmin and Junsu behind Yunho. “These friends of yours don’t look as gay as the last bunch.”
“Thanks,” Changmin told him from behind Yunho with a snort.
“Still gay, just not as gay,” Bae clarified.
Yunho just grinned at the young man. “You are going to make Changmin mad…he’s almost as grumpy as you.”
Bae rolled his eyes. “I’m so afraid.” Bae then looked at Junsu. “You’re not as fat in person. On television you look practically cow-like.”
Junsu sat down in a chair beside Yunho and grumbled, “I am so glad I came with you.”
“If the truth hurts, eat less,” Bae snapped at Junsu cockily.
Junsu grimaced at Bae while Yunho reached across the table and took some of his cards. “You better be nice to Junsu. He’s definitely more competitive than you. I would hate for him to beat you at cards.”
“You think he might play cards with me?” Bae asked, looking more interested now. “He looks kinda stupid and doesn’t he have a low IQ? Didn’t I watch a show with you two rolling around on the ground together once that said that? I think Changmin would be a more worthy of opponent. He looks smart.”
“Junsu knows how to play War55 though. I taught him,” Yunho explained to Bae. “Also you shouldn’t believe everything you watch on TV.”
“Hmmm…I might be up to a friendly game then,” Bae told Yunho as he looked Changmin and Junsu over skeptically.
“Friendly,” Junsu snorted as if the boy even knew the meaning of the word.
“Then it’s settled. You three play cards and I will go find Maggie. And I need to talk to Bill,” Yunho said, standing up, ready to continue his reunion.
“Maggie doesn’t work here anymore, duh. Your swan bought some house that she owned months ago and she’s retired and is off living the easy life,” Bae informed Yunho with a frown. “The new housekeepers suck ass. They can’t keep shit clean.”
Yunho stared down at Bae, shocked. “Jae bought Maggie’s cottage?”
“I don’t know what kind of house it was. I just know they threw her a party on her last day and she couldn’t get out of here quick enough. What, your swan doesn’t keep you updated?” Bae told Yunho. “Maybe he wasn’t so fond of the ugly duckling after all.”
“I guess not,” Yunho told him clinging to his cane tightly now. Why would Jae not have told him he bought Maggie’s house? That house was just not important to Jae…it was important to Yunho too.
“So I guess your precious swan left you. Did all the other swans abandon you too?” Bae asked, causing Yunho to flinch.
“Swans?” Changmin couldn’t help but ask as he took Yunho’ seat.
“The pretty boys,” Bae said, grabbing the cards and shuffling them. “You know the ones that used to visit him all the time, and the one that lived here. What did Eun call him? ‘Your Beautiful Friend’, you know the one that had the sex change.”
“Jae…sex change?” Changmin asked, snickering.
“His cock is sewed on if you get my drift? I know there are lots of rumors about Yunho and his swan being queer, but actually it’s a lot sicker than that,” Bae told Changmin knowingly.
Changmin stared at the boy, speechless for a moment, while Junsu lost a battle with the giggles. Changmin finally managed to get out, “Now that’s a rumor I might enjoy seeing spread.”
“Oh, I have,” Bae said, instantly liking Changmin more.
“I would be happy with just a personality change,” Junsu said of the man who had stayed in Tokyo breaking Yunho’s heart.
“I will find you guys later,” Yunho said abruptly, turning and walking away from them…needing to be alone. Yunho walked away, still reeling from the news that Jae had bought Maggie’s cottage…their cottage... and he had never told him.
********
Yunho sat in Bill’s office, waiting for the other man to arrive. He looked at the multiple pictures hanging on the man’s walls of horses and some of family members. There were also pictures of what Yunho assumed were prior patients of Bill’s that had overcome great limitations. Yunho tried his best to focus on the pictures on the walls and push away the negative thoughts that threatened to consume him. He couldn’t allow himself to think of Jae and their torturous relationship right now…he had to focus on his rehabilitation.
“Yunho, good to see you again,” Bill said as he walked through the door to his office. He patted Yunho on the back as he walked past him to sit at his desk. “You look good.”
“Thank you, I’ve been doing really good…well, as long as I get enough rest. Most days I don’t even need this,” Yunho told him as he held up his cane.
“Good,” Bill told him, smiling as he sat down. “Are you just here visiting or can I help you with something?”
Yunho smiled at the small, red headed man’s bluntness. “No, I have come here to make you an offer.”
Bill furrowed his eyebrows together. “An offer?”
“Yes, an offer,” Yunho informed him, trying to make himself grin for the other man’s benefit. “If a very wealthy former patient of yours requested that you accompany him to the states to a rehab facility that you recommended, what would you want to be paid?”
Bill’s eyes lit up and his grin was not forced. “Yunho, about damn time. I am very happy for you. When do you plan to go?”
“At the end of the week. I don’t have any time to waste,” Yunho told him. “I have put it off far too long already.”
Bill rubbed his hands together in anticipation. “Yes, you have. It would be good for me to go back to the States. My family would be overjoyed…but I do have some misgivings.”
“Misgivings? I assure you, I will make it worth your while,” Yunho promised him.
“I have no doubt about that.”
“Then what?”
Bill picked up a pen and tapped it against the desk. “When you first came here and before I was involved in your care…I heard of this great friend of yours. This friend that everybody at Clear Creek loved, even though he was far richer and more handsome than any normal man could ever dream of being…janitors and doctors all loved him. He remembered the smallest details about people, making them bask in his presence…making them feel important.”
Yunho nodded his head and told Bill, “Jae, has always been like that.”
“Except he isn’t like that at all. I never met that version of Jae. My staff did not deal with that version of Jae. Jae is a handful and I don’t know if there is enough money on this earth to sign on for months of his overreacting, and over protectiveness,” Bill told Yunho, not mincing his words.
“Umm…Jae won’t be coming with me,” Yunho explained to Bill, avoiding eye contact.
“Really? Why do I find that so hard to believe?”
Yunho closed his eyes and told Bill in the calmest voice he could muster, “There are a lot of rumors circulating about me and Jae…and Jae does not want to encourage those rumors, so he will be staying behind.”
“Rumors... really?” Bill asked Yunho, smirking.
Yunho turned back to face Bill and exhaled a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “I won’t lie to you because I know it would be useless…yes, I am with him, but I wasn’t always. When I first met you…Jae and I weren’t together. We had broken up a long time ago…I hadn’t spoken with him in years. Nobody was more surprised than I was to find him here at Clear Creek when I woke up.”
Bill leaned back in his chair looking very surprised. “I just always assumed you had always been together. Why did you break up?”
Yunho swallowed and confessed, “It wasn’t exactly a mutual break up. I broke it off against Jae’s wishes.”
“Because of his attitude? I can see where that could get to be too much,” Bill told Yunho in sympathy.
“No, no, no,” Yunho corrected Bill, shaking his head. “The Jae you described before you met him - that was how he was all the time back then. He wasn’t perfect, but who is? There were some exceptions, but he was pretty much loved by all. He’s always had a way of making everybody feel important and comfortable. Our breakup had nothing to do with his behavior.”
“I might regret asking this…but why, then?” Bill asked, truly curious.
“I gave into my father’s pressure…and my own fear of being found out. Jae was completely thrown off guard by our breakup,” Yunho honestly admitted, frowning. “I hurt him a lot.”
“Ahh, so you are the reason he is like this? As long as you were asleep to the world you couldn’t leave him,” Bill said in understanding. “He can’t trust you.”
Yunho narrowed his eyes. “Of course he can trust me…I would never.”
Bill fought to keep from smiling. “I don’t mean to offend you…but it does explain the immense insecurity.”
Yunho stared at Bill, unable to disregard the truth of the man’s words, but this was not a discussion he should be having with him. “So will you go with me to rehab?”
“I’ll do it. Jae or no Jae,” Bill told him with a grin.
“I told you Jae wasn’t coming.” Yunho hated how sulky his words sounded.
“We’ll see,” Bill told Yunho as he picked up as small ball from his desk and threw it toward Yunho’s right hand. Although Yunho reached his hand up in time to catch the easily caught ball, it went sailing by. “Things change and that right there is going to change too. I expect a good game of right handed catch with you when we are done.”
“Deal,” Yunho told him, but he couldn’t fight the sense of heaviness that was overcoming him.
*********************
An hour later Junsu asked, “Do you really think he will be there?”
Changmin hurried through the grounds of Clear Creek with Junsu right beside him. “I know he is.”
“The place where…” Junsu trailed off, not wanting to put it into words.
“The place where he almost died.”
“I wonder why he would want to go back there?” Junsu asked nervously.
“Why did he want to go there that night? The ground was covered with snow…nobody could believe he made it that far. Yunho is just as crazy as Jae in his own special way,” Changmin told Junsu, not bothering to hide the worry from his voice.
“Sometimes I don’t think Jae and Yunho should be together…they are either completely happy or completely miserable…shouldn’t there be a happy medium?” Junsu rambled out quickly, describing his hyungs’ dysfunctional relationship.
“You are preaching to the choir, but what can we do? They are even more miserable apart…or Yunho was,” Changmin admitted. The years Yunho had spent away from Jae had not been happy ones. Changmin has always noticed a lingering sadness in Yunho even when he had fooled the rest of the world.
“Jae was, too…sometimes I thought he would take his life,” Junsu confessed, making Changmin abruptly stop and turn and stare at Junsu.
“That’s how he got Yunho to open his eyes. He vowed he would kill himself by jumping off the hospital roof if Yunho died. We always assume the worst of Jae. That he will do this and that for their love, but in truth Yunho is just as dysfunctional as Jae…” Changmin pointed out, paling as he realized the truth of his own words.
“You don’t think….”
“Yunho,” Changmin shouted, not giving Junsu time to finish his thought before he was taking off at a full run toward the spot where he had found Yunho so long ago and so close to death.
Junsu raced after Changmin as a fear more terrible than he could ever put into words consumed him. Surely not, Junsu told himself…they were just panicking. Yunho would never do that…suicide was a selfish end, and Yunho was a lot of things but he wasn’t selfish.
Changmin came upon the creek and stopped, gasping for air as he saw Yunho standing at the creek bank unharmed. He was just being ridiculous…a fool. He turned around to face Junsu and they shared a look of relief. Changmin forced himself to calm and he yelled out asking, “Yunho, what are you doing?”
Yunho didn’t answer Changmin, causing him and Junsu to walk closer to him. Yunho just stared down at the creek transfixed on the clear still water. “Yunho, what are you doing?” Junsu asked this time as he bent down and picked up Yunho’s cane that was on the ground beside him.
Yunho startled as if he hadn’t heard them approaching. “Just thinking.”
“Thinking about what?” Changmin asked, uncharacteristically taking the older man’s hand, not liking Yunho’s expression at all.
“I sometimes wonder if you ever pulled me from this creek saving me, if I ever woke from my mindlessness, and sometimes….” Yunho paused and swallowed, “And sometimes I wonder if I ever lived at all. What if I never opened my eyes…what if my heart isn’t even my own?”
Junsu and Changmin both were speechless as they stared at the older man who was now looking up at the sky. Yunho had placed his free hand over his heart. “But what would it say of me if I dreamed such a dark, desperate, and painful dream?”
“You’re not dreaming,” Changmin whispered, clinging to Yunho’s hand tighter.
Yunho went on as if Changmin hadn’t spoken. “What if this has all been my penance?”
“Penance for what?” Changmin asked at a lost.
Yunho turned to Changmin, his eyes held more misery than Changmin thought possible for one man to carry. “For letting it all fall apart…for losing the five of us. I can blame others, you can blame others, our fans can blame others, but in the end it was all my fault. It was my responsibility to hold us all together, and through my pride and cowardliness I let it all slip away.”
“But it didn’t…not forever. We are all back together now. Today is a good day,” Junsu said, grabbing Yunho’s other hand. “Today we get to make it all right again. We all made mistakes, but we’ve forgiven each other now. We get to make it right.”
Yunho turned to Junsu. “I am sorry I’m so melancholy. I must be scaring you two…but I am thinking of the past years, and not just of today. I am also thinking of a future. I have made so many mistakes. It’s so easy to blame Jae…when it’s been me stuck in the same pattern…never correcting it.”
Junsu stared up at the taller man and couldn’t help feeling deeply worried, and asked dreadfully, “What are you going to do about Jae?”
Yunho looked back down at the creek and told them in soft, reflective voice, “Whatever becomes of me and Jae will be up to Jae. I have held the reins of our relationship for too long. It’s all in his hands now.”
Changmin frowned, confused by Yunho’s words. “Are you going to give him an ultimatum?”
Yunho inhaled a deep breath and let it out. He then turned away from the creek, letting go of Junsu and Changmin’s hands, and started walking away with his head held up high. “No, I am going to apologize.”
************
“Then it is done?” Jae aroused from a deep blurry sleep to hear Mrs. Jung ask in a voice that held all the sadness of the world. Jae’s eyes opened and he found himself in a sterile hospital room surrounded by Yunho’s family and friends. The sound of sobbing filled the room as he slowly gathered his senses. He watched Yunho’s parents embracing each other while at the same time clinging to Ji-Hye.
“He’s gone, then?” Changmin asked in a voice that was all but dead. Jae’s eyes darted toward the younger man who was standing at the doorway, talking to three doctors who were decked out in white coats. Doctors Jae had never seen before.
“Yes, it’s done. If it’s any comfort, by donating his organs he saved many lives today,” the doctor in the middle said in a very comforting tone trying to rest a gentle hand on the tall, young man’s arm.
“It isn’t,” Changmin told him in a brittle, broken voice as he jerked his arm away from the man’s touch.
Mr. and Mrs. Shim moved toward their son, trying to embrace him, but he pulled away from them, refusing to be touched. Jae turned around to find Go Ara sitting in the chair beside him, tears flowing down her lovely face.
Jae jumped out of the chair instantly, as the horrible realization hit him. He was back in time. “What are we doing here? What happened?” Jae demanded, causing Changmin to turn and face him. Changmin’s eyes were full of hate for him…that old hatred that Jae hadn’t seen in so long…no. “NO! No…he lived. He survived the shooting.”
“Shut up. Just shut up,” Changmin told him hatefully.
Jae crumbled to the floor beside his chair as the reality of the situation overtook him. This couldn’t be. This had to be a nightmare, Jae reasoned, trying to force himself to wake up. He wasn’t back in this room with them. It couldn’t be. This was a cruel trick of his mind. A gentle touch on the shoulder made Jae look up in Mrs. Shim’s kind, sad eyes. “Jae, you passed out, but you got to see him for a moment. He would have wanted you here. I truly believe that.”
“No…no…no…” Jae cried frantically, shaking his head. “It doesn’t end like this. I got to make it right!”
“God, I hate you so much! Yunho is dead and it’s still all about you. You made it right? You never made anything right! You just made everything worse,” Changmin sneered down at Jae, looking like he wanted to kick him.
“No, there was wonderful forgiveness,” Jae insisted like a crazed man, refusing to believe otherwise. This was a nightmare. It had to be a nightmare. Yunho was not gone.
Changmin reached down, grabbed Jae by the arm, and pulled him to his feet. “There was never any forgiveness!”
“No!” Jae screamed at him, refusing to believe him. His mind was punishing him for being so cruel to Yunho…for staying in Japan. For making Yunho go back to Clear Creek without him. This was just punishment…for making it so hard for Yunho to go to rehab.
“Yes,” Changmin screamed back at him. Changmin was squeezing his arm so tightly…Jae could feel it bruising. “You can keep your last promise to him though,” Changmin told him coldly. “You can keep one last promise to him.”
Jae’s eyes widened at Changmin’s words. “Changmin…”
“Or was that just an empty promise like all your other promises?” Changmin said harshly with his cold, unforgiving eyes, cutting into Jae’s very soul.
“No, I meant it…” Jae said, pulling free of Changmin and backing towards the door. “I meant it. I won’t live without him. I won’t!” Jae vowed as he reached the door and turned around and ran. Jae found the staircase leading toward the roof and ran up the stairs as fast as he could.
Jae flung the door open that led to the roof of the hospital and staggered outside. His body was shaking all over, his breathing labored from running up the stairs. His heart raced as a terrible fear took over…if it was a nightmare he would have awakened already. This wasn’t the dream…the dream was ever being in Yunho’s arms again. The dream was feeling that love again…it had all been a dream. It was his dream…his wonderful, desperate, painful, complex dream where love had finally found a way in the end.
Jae stumbled to the edge of the roof and stared down at the fans gathered outside the hospital…a sea of red as far as his eyes could see. Jae wondered if the fans had all united again. Did one star burning out forever cause Cassiopeia to stand together once again? Did they remember a time when all five were loved as one, and the torn, tattered, divided fandom was full of love for all of them?
Jae crumbled to the floor of the roof. He promised Yunho he would jump, but now that he looked over the edge it seemed like such a selfish end. He had thought that the threat would have sent Yunho back from his dark abyss…but maybe even in death Yunho knew Jae better than he knew himself. Knew what he was and wasn’t capable of…perhaps in the end he could lie to himself, but not to Yunho. Or maybe Yunho’s brain wasn’t merely damaged, but it was really gone. Gone forever and any promises he made were in vain to a mindless shell of a body.
He had once thought he could not live without Yunho, but he had. He had lived with a huge aching pain in his heart but he had lived. He had cried a million tears but he had also smiled. If he could still gaze upon Yunho’s image and dream of one day reuniting with him…he could survive on hope.
But now Yunho was dead, and his body parts were now being spread across all of Korea on their way to the sick and dying to save them. Yunho had saved Changmin and he would go on to save many more after his death…his beloved Yunho. Jae gasped for air as a sharp pain shot through him as he thought of pieces of his beloved Yunho spread all over the country. Yunho would live on in people unworthy of such a gift…nobody was worthy of Yunho’s gift of life. His Yunho….his Yunho’s wonderful strength would go on to fuel others, others who never knew him. Did they love him? Did they scorn him? Did they even know who he was? It didn’t matter because nobody should live on at the cost of Yunho’s life.
His precious Yunho…who he loved more than anything, but did Yunho ever really believe that? Did anybody really believe that? Did Yunho ever really have any faith in that love? Words from the dream played over and over in his mind.
“Yoouu huuurt me as muuuch as yoouu love me.”
“You act like your some fucking martyr. You don’t act like the man that fucked Junsu and made sure Yunho walked in on you!”
“I told you that all your plans for revenge would only end up hurting you the most. I was wrong and you were right. You said Yunho would be the one to suffer and it appears you were correct.”
“So to hell with the rest of the world as long as Jae is happy? You’re such a selfish….”
“Don’t! Don’t you understand your love is poison to me?”
“You love me so much that you don’t give a damn how I feel. Don’t say you love me, because if it was really love than you could be my friend without all these games. I love you…what you feel toward me…it is love but it is also obsessive and sick.”
“Liar! You have some twisted need for me; something deep inside of you that can’t deal with the fact that I let you go. Getting me back might be the confirmation you need to finally pad that ego of yours beyond reproach, but you didn’t always love me…”
“Stay away from me. You can say and do the most hurtful things but you never have to take responsibility for any of it…you always have some excuse. Poor pitiful Jae! You just cry till I end up feeling guilty…for the shit that you do! Well not this time!”
“He wanted to protect me. He always wanted to protect me, but you…you are just a selfish bastard.”
“I wonder if U-Know knows that you would have taken the gun from your psychotic fan and shot him yourself if you had known it meant getting him back.”
“I used to want to hate you…so bad. I thought hate would make it easier. I didn’t hate you and I knew how much it hurt to still care…I didn’t want you to feel that. I would rather you hate me, than to feel that way.”
“That isn’t true. That’s a lie you tell yourself. You could be with Yunho all the time if you really meant that...but you don’t.”
“You are fucking crazy and I am fucking crazy for being with you!”
Jae shook his head, trying to free himself of the voices that had come back to haunt him. Over and over in the dream he had accused Yunho of not loving him enough when the reverse was true. Since the day their love began, Yunho had always fought with his consciousness, gone against his own sense of right and wrong, to be with Jae. Being with Yunho had always been easier for Jae. Jae didn’t let what he regarded as outdated ideas of right and wrong to govern who he loved, while Yunho had fought against his own sense of shame constantly from the very beginning to be with Jae. True, Yunho had lost that battle with his conscious at his father’s bidding, but Yunho had regretted it…well, in the dream he had. Yunho had gone from wanting to deny their love to wanting to announce it to the world.
“I knew you wouldn’t do it. You were always full of nothing but false promises,” the sound of Changmin’s bitter voice broke through the turmoil of Jae’s mind.
Jae looked up at the younger man with red eyes as the strength that had never left him during his living life started to fade away. “All those years ago…I should have never left. He was trying to honor his father…if I had stayed. If I had supported him then…”
“But you didn’t. You let your love turn to revenge.”
“If I had stayed?”
“You know the answer to that. Has he ever been able to deny you anything?”
Jae shook his head. “No, you are wrong. He wouldn’t have changed his mind. He was so determined. I knew he wouldn’t change his mind.”
Changmin snorted at the lies Jae told himself. “He was determined to do the noble thing, but if you had stayed by his side, he would have caved long ago…none of this would have happened. He could never resist you for long. This is all your fault,” Changmin said, looking down at Jae with eyes full of hatred.
“No, it isn’t my fault,” Jae told him, continuing to shake his head. He refused to believe such a thing. This couldn’t be his fault.
Changmin bent down and grabbed Jae underneath the chin and forced him to look at him. “It is. It’s entirely your fault. Yunho is dead. You are a dirty, horrible person, and everybody leaves you in the end…because they realize that you are as ugly on the inside as you are beautiful on the outside.”
“Shut up!” Jae screamed, jerking away from Changmin’s touch. “Just shut up! It isn’t true.”
Changmin straightened up and glared down at Jae. “They all abandon you in the end. The tiny hands that first held yours, your birth mother, your father, your…”
“My mother came back for me!” Jae screamed at Changmin.
“After she found out you were a celebrity…she didn’t care about you till then. Your father didn’t either. People always want something from you, Jae…always. They don’t love you…they love what you can do for them. They love that you are pretty, and they feel prettier standing beside you or even just looking at you. Your fans love the perfect image of you they have created in their mind…they would run from the real you. You have a thousand friends and yet you are the loneliest person I have ever met. Nobody really loves…the real you.”
“Yunho loved me. He did! I was in his heaven…I was his heaven,” Jae muttered, looking away from the cruel man and looking up into the sky. He had always lacked faith, but he prayed silently to wake up. Please God, he prayed, let it all be a nightmare.
Changmin snorted. “That wasn’t Yunho’s heaven, that was your heaven. It was your heaven with a dancing Yunho, and me as your love child. It was your heaven…it was never his heaven.”
Jae smiled as hope sprang anew. “Do you think that’s my heaven? Do you think I could be with Yunho forever?”
Changmin’s eyes narrowed. “Perhaps…”
Jae stood up slowly and stood on the ledge, looking down. “He was the only one I ever truly loved…the only person I could never live without. I loved other things too….I loved being loved by others. I was always so nice to people, so they would love me.”
“Except when it came to Yunho, then you were terrible to people. You were rude and jealous…you became like another man,” Changmin said, moving to stand beside Jae on the ledge.
“Yes, because I could never share him…I could never lose him again. I could never claim him either. Lee Soo Man said I hurt Yunho. Do you…” Jae paused and swallowed, unable to put his thoughts into words.
“Perhaps, you hurt him in ways that you can’t even imagine,” Changmin said, repeating back Lee Soo Man’s words for Jae.
“In my dream…Yunho wanted to come out. He didn’t want to live a life of lies. He wanted to go to rehab…he wanted to dance again. I was so selfish in my dream,” Jae said, sobbing openly now as tears ran down his face.
“So selfish.”
“I was afraid. I was so afraid of what the world would say. What they would think of me. I was also afraid of what they would say about him. His image would be destroyed,” Jae said, looking down at the crowd below him.
Changmin hissed. “You wanted to keep him for yourself…so selfish of that love. You didn’t want the rest of the world to know. You wanted to forever keep him as your plaything and live a dishonorable life. He wanted to live, openly and proudly…he wasn’t meant to hide away in shame.”
“It wasn’t anybody’s business,” Jae cried. “We didn’t owe them anything.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter now, does it? It was just a dream…Yunho never forgave you, and you never asked for forgiveness. You two never found your way back to each other, and Dong Bang Shin Ki never reunited.”
“Just a dream,” Jae whispered softly, holding his chest as that sharp, horrible pain stabbed him again.
“Just a dream,” Changmin repeated. “Just a dream, that can’t ever come true because Yunho died today and left you forever.”
“All hope is dead with my Yunho…my Yunho,” Jae groaned as the pain engulfed him, spreading all over his body. How could Yunho be dead and gone? His beloved lover gone forever and forever, out of the reach of his touch.
“You will never be with him again…unless,” Changmin paused, looking down at the ground beneath them.
“Yes,” Jae said, instantly understanding. “And even if I don’t find Yunho in my afterlife…then at least I wouldn’t be here in this world without him. Maybe it would just be nothingness…instead of this horrible pain,” Jae cried as he rocked back and forth, squeezing his arms to his chest as he came to a decision.
“Nothingness.”
“Yes, better than living without him…never ever being able to see him…to hold him,” Jae cried, reaching up and running his hand through his hair.
Jae knew what he must do. He would not live years and decades without Yunho. He wouldn’t…he couldn’t. His last words to Yunho would not be a lie. They would be the truth…his most honest truth. Jae turned to look Changmin in the eye to bid him farewell, but Changmin was already gone.
Gone like Jae would soon be gone…gone like Yunho was gone. They would die on the same day…him and his love. Dong Bang Shin Ki would officially die with them. One member would die sacrificing himself for another, and another member would kill himself because he couldn’t live with the knowledge that all hope of ever reuniting with that member…his lover... again, was lost.
Jae inhaled a deep breath and stretched out his arms. As long as Yunho was still in the world Jae could have gone on, but he could not live in a world that did not contain Yunho. He smiled as he remembered the first time he laid eyes on the only man he would ever love. Yunho’s wild hair and horrible jumpsuit, jagged teeth, and that smile…that most perfect, sincere smile. Yunho was so full of love. Yunho was the only one capable of loving Jae enough to quench the great need inside of him. Jae shivered as he remembered the feeling of being hugged by Yunho for the first time.
Jae closed his eyes and stepped off the ledge knowing if he could never feel those arms around him again then he would happily fall to his death. He sailed through the air, praying they would be reunited in death. He heard the fans screaming as he fell, and he smiled because he would always be young and beautiful in their eyes, and forever tied to Yunho.
Author: aquariuslover
Pairing: Yunjae
Rating: R
Genre: Future AU, Drama, Angst
Summary: On a cold winter’s day he cast their love away for the sake of his family. The following autumn an act of vengeance left their love beyond the reaches of forgiveness. Two summers later a fan’s anger and the ultimate act of self-sacrifice would redefine everything they knew about love, pride, selfishness, and forgiveness.
A world of thanks always to Kinmotsu and Amy for all they do. Much love to everybody who comments!
I can not stress how important it is to read this slowly…I do not recommend speed reading at all.
Previous Chapters
Changmin sat in the back of the limo watching Yunho and Junsu, who sat across him. Junsu was zonked out beside Yunho, leaning against him as he slept soundly, as if a painful past had never existed between them. It was as if the years of pain, misery, hate, and separation had been washed away completely for Junsu. This Junsu who was so open with his emotions was very much like the Junsu that Changmin had met for the very first time so long ago in a SM practice room. Junsu made no secret of his love for Yunho and Changmin, of his desire to overcome the years of broken promises, hurt, misunderstandings, and lies. Junsu’s heart was laid bare and even for all his pessimism Changmin could not refuse it, and Yunho accepted it without question.
Somewhere along the years they had spent together in the group, Junsu had started feeling the urge to compete with Yunho, and not always in a brotherly love way. Yunho, who was also competitive, took up the challenge, but there was an edge to Junsu’s competitive nature with Yunho that Yunho never returned. Changmin wondered if Jae had noticed this too and if it was the reason he had chosen Junsu to seduce. Changmin refused to believe that Junsu ever felt anything lustful for Jae till Jae set out for his ultimate revenge, but how much easier did Junsu’s desire to best Yunho make it for Jae?
To Changmin, although his love for Yunho and their similar value system was well documented, it was Junsu who was most like Yunho. They both knew nothing of being lazy. They only ever tried their best. They would both dance till their feet bled. They both were capable of being totally oblivious to what was going on around them. They were both controlled and influenced by powerful parents…and they both had finally broken free of the hold their powerful parents had on them to become their own men.
Changmin’s eyes drifted to Yunho and he felt great worry. Changmin loved Jae, but he feared him more. He feared what Jae could do to Yunho. Why Jae was purposely setting out to hurt Yunho, his rational mind could never grasp. Last night they had sang as five again and it had been beautiful…one of the greatest moments of Changmin’s life, and the five of them barely had time to rejoice before that look…that look of darkness had taken over Jae’s face. Jae had broken from the four of them to make a great show of leaving with his friends and ex-lovers. Yoochun had hurried after him, vowing to keep his eye on him, but the look on Yunho’s face showed what little faith he had in Yoochun. Could anybody on this earth control Jae when he set out to hurt Yunho? Yunho could protect others…but who could protect Yunho from Jae’s wrath?
Changmin knew it was Yunho’s plans to leave for rehab at the end of the week that had set Jae off, but the Yunjae rumors circulating all over the net did not help. Were the Yunjae rumors driving Jae to flaunt himself with anybody but Yunho? Many people were questioning just what kind of friend spends a year of their life at the bedside of an old, estranged friend? Jae’s adamant refusal to come out had shocked Changmin. He had always imagined something else entirely. When Changmin had confessed this to Heechul, Heechul had actually sneered at him and accused him of being naïve.
“You should sleep,” Yunho’s quiet voice commanded, stirring Changmin from his thoughts.
“You should follow your own advice,” Changmin told him, meeting the other man’s eyes with his own.
“I would if I could,” Yunho told him as he turned his gaze back to the window and the passing scenery.
“You should try. I mean you can’t be slurring or limping when you tell the world that Dong Bang Shin Ki is five again…it’s a big day for you,” Changmin said, gently reminding Yunho of the announcement he would be making later today.
“Nothing will keep me from making that announcement…on today of all days.”
“Does it feel like a year has passed?”
“It feels like a thousand years have passed. I remember the first time I looked into a mirror after awakening. My body…it was so weak, but my face looked so much younger. Like it had been giving a long peaceful sleep and now I can feel it aging again.”
“Have you heard anything from him?”
“Not from him, but there is news of him all over,” Yunho said bitterly of the pictures of Jae all over the Internet with multiple Japanese celebrities.
“You know, but that was last night. I don’t think there is anything new. He was just making a show of it. I don’t think he would….”
“You don’t know what he would do. I don’t know what he would do…to be completely honest. He’s punishing me for going to rehab….when he feels abandoned,” Yunho stopped, not wanting to put into words his fears.
“You must have thought his offer was sincere? I mean he told you to go,” Changmin explained, trying to make sense of it.
“I thought he was sincere. He seemed sincere, but maybe he was only telling me that so I would refuse to go. Testing me…perhaps? Or maybe he was sincere at the time but then the reality of it changed everything,” Yunho said, turning back to face Changmin and looking lost.
Changmin pushed farther back against the car seat and said aloud a concern he often thought to himself. “Sometimes I think your dad was actually doing you a favor.”
Yunho’s eyes widened. “Changmin, you don’t mean that.”
“I sometimes do. I don’t know what you can ever do to make him feel secure…make him sane.”
Yunho gave Changmin a soft smile. “I do, but he’ll never agree to it.”
“Sleep,” Junsu whined in a sleep-filled voice from Yunho’s side, causing the older man to smile.
“Junsu’s right…we should at least try,” Yunho said, leaning his head back. “We will soon be there.”
***************
Junsu stepped out of the limo and looked upon Clear Creek for the first time. He inhaled a deep breath as he faced what many thought to be the last resting place of Jung Yunho. The guilt he had suffered from after Yunho’s shooting had weighed so heavily upon him for so long…because if he had not been the fool of so many Yunho would’ve never ended up here. If he had not been his mother’s pawn and Jae’s toy of revenge then the five of them would have never reached such a broken state. If he had only been a stronger man…none of this need ever had happened.
“You are going to have to use the cane today.” Changmin’s concerned voice disturbed Junsu from his inner demons.
“I don’t…”
“No, you are not steady today. Did you even sleep on the ride here?” Changmin interrupted, asking Yunho who had just got out of the limo looking very tired.
“No,” Yunho admitted, taking the cane from Changmin. “I didn’t.”
“Are you really up to this?” Changmin asked worriedly, as he watched Yunho walk toward the entrance.
“Yes, I am. Welcome to my home away from home,” Yunho told them, reaching out and motioning toward the facility that has sheltered him for so long.
Junsu hurried to catch up with Yunho. “It looks nicer than I imagined. It looks so peaceful.”
Yunho paused at the door, waiting for a concerned Changmin, and turned to Junsu. “It was a good place to recover. Bong Cha, Hana, Maggie, Bill…I’ve missed them.”
“I liked Bill,” Changmin said, approaching the other two men. “He used to work you real good at the hospital, and I think he had Jae’s number.”
Yunho smiled at Changmin. “Oh, he had both our numbers. He once referred to Jae as my husband. It’s the closest I ever came to dying of embarrassment.”
“If Jae was the husband…what did that make you?” Changmin asked evilly as Junsu tried to control his laughter.
Yunho lifted up his cane and hit Changmin’s leg with it. “It was horrible. I instantly developed an eye twitch. I couldn’t even deny it, my speech was so bad.”
Junsu opened the door for Yunho. “I can’t imagine not being able to understand you.”
“It was bad back then. When I first woke up I kept trying to talk to them, but all they heard was incoherent garble,” Yunho said as he walked through the door.
“I’ve never seen it really bad either,” Changmin said, walking beside Junsu as they followed Yunho inside. “I have seen it screwed up but not impossible to understand.”
Yunho walked up to the main desk and was immediately greeted by an excited receptionist. “Yunho! I mean Mr. Jung! It’s such a nice surprise to see you.”
“I am always Yunho here,” Yunho told her, smiling at her excitement at seeing him. Junsu and Changmin smiled at her too.
“Yes, Yunho. It’s very good to see you. How can I help you?”
“I need to see a couple nurses first thing. Can you point me in the direction of Bong Cha and Hana?” Yunho asked her, still smiling at her excitement.
“Hana no longer works here, but Bong Cha is down B Hall,” the receptionist helpfully told him.
Yunho instantly frowned, nodded his head in thanks, and headed toward B Hall. “Jae…I…can’t believe him!”
“Didn’t he say he failed to have her fired?” Junsu asked, casting a worried glace at Changmin.
“He was lying apparently,” Changmin said, pointing out the obvious.
“I will hire her as my personal nurse…I will show him,” Yunho fumed as he walked down B Hall in search of Bong Cha.
“Well, that’s one…” Changmin, who had been following closely behind Yunho, came to abrupt stop as he walked into Yunho, who had stalled in the hallway his eyes focused on a tall, slender nurse who was probably in her late forties who was studying a chart intently.
The three of them watched as the nurse looked up, sensing that she was being watched. She raised both eyebrows when she noticed Yunho in the hall. “Yunho, what a nice surprise.”
“Bong Cha! God, I missed you,” Yunho told the nurse as he headed toward her. Bong Cha reached out her hand for Yunho, but he ignored it to give her a bear hug.
Junsu laughed at the startled expression on the woman’s face. “He’s a hugger.”
Changmin couldn’t help but grin as Yunho just clung to the nurse, not saying anything. “Yunho, let go or she might file charges against you.”
Yunho pulled away and blushed. “I’m sorry. I am just so glad to see you. I mean a year ago I woke up here…and…you…Hana…I owe,” Yunho stopped, his emotions overwhelming him as his eyes filled with tears of gratitude.
Junsu walked up beside his emotional hyung and rubbed his back, comforting him.
“I can never thank you enough for all you did for him. He always spoke so highly of you. If there’s anything you ever need just let us know,” Changmin told her, feeling terribly indebted to the woman who had taken such good care of his dearest of hyungs.
“Nonsense, it was my job…a job that I delighted in,” she told them, reaching out to squeeze Yunho’s arm. “I never had any patient half as determined…you made me so proud, and still make me so proud.”
Yunho controlled his emotions enough to speak. “Thank you, so much. I can never repay you for the wonderful care you gave me, and I am so sorry about Hana.”
Bong Cha looked at him, confused. “Sorry about Hana? Last I heard she was happy working for the Ryu’s.”
“Jae didn’t have her fired?” Junsu asked happily from beside Yunho.
Bong Cha shook her head and frowned at the mention of Jae. “No, he tried but it was ridiculous and all us nurses would not stand for it.”
“She is working with Mr. Ryu?” Yunho asked, amazed. “I would love to see them both.”
Bong Cha chucked. “Not for Mr. Ryu…for his daughter and her husband. They hired her as their nanny.”
“The triplets?” Yunho said, grinning at the thought of Hana chasing those girls around. “I hope she is getting paid well.”
Bong Cha nodded her head. “She is.” She looked at Yunho fondly, still squeezing his arm. “Yunho, I have to go. I have a patient in the whirlpool room. It was so good to see you.”
“Oh, of course. I won’t keep you from your work,” Yunho told her.
Bong Cha stepped away and started to turn around when she stopped. “Yunho, there is a bitter young man in the dining room playing cards that would be happy to see you, although he would never admit it.”
**********
“There he is,” Yunho said, pointing to the young man that sat alone at a table playing cards with himself. “I really only got close to him at the end of my stay here. I was kinda a hermit for most of my stay.”
“He’s so young,” Junsu said, “he’s just a kid.”
Yunho nodded his head. “Yeah, I know, but he has a mouth on him. He makes Changmin look like a sweet pussy cat.”
“Losing the use of your legs and your parents would make one bitter,” Changmin said wistfully of the boy.
“True,” Yunho agreed, walking toward the table. The boy never looked up as Yunho pulled out a chair and sat down opposite of him. Junsu and Changmin both stood behind Yunho, waiting for the kid to look up from his cards.
“You need to get lost,” the kid said without ever taking his eyes off his cards. “Dr. Kim can go suck himself off because I don’t need any social interaction. So get lost already.”
Yunho smiled and couldn’t keep the humor out of his voice. “I know my way around here really good, so it would be hard to get lost.”
The boy looked up, his eyes widening, and he practically shrieked, “Yunho!”
“Glad to see me, Bae?”
“No….just shocked,” Bae told him, denying any happiness at seeing Yunho. Bae looked at Changmin and Junsu behind Yunho. “These friends of yours don’t look as gay as the last bunch.”
“Thanks,” Changmin told him from behind Yunho with a snort.
“Still gay, just not as gay,” Bae clarified.
Yunho just grinned at the young man. “You are going to make Changmin mad…he’s almost as grumpy as you.”
Bae rolled his eyes. “I’m so afraid.” Bae then looked at Junsu. “You’re not as fat in person. On television you look practically cow-like.”
Junsu sat down in a chair beside Yunho and grumbled, “I am so glad I came with you.”
“If the truth hurts, eat less,” Bae snapped at Junsu cockily.
Junsu grimaced at Bae while Yunho reached across the table and took some of his cards. “You better be nice to Junsu. He’s definitely more competitive than you. I would hate for him to beat you at cards.”
“You think he might play cards with me?” Bae asked, looking more interested now. “He looks kinda stupid and doesn’t he have a low IQ? Didn’t I watch a show with you two rolling around on the ground together once that said that? I think Changmin would be a more worthy of opponent. He looks smart.”
“Junsu knows how to play War55 though. I taught him,” Yunho explained to Bae. “Also you shouldn’t believe everything you watch on TV.”
“Hmmm…I might be up to a friendly game then,” Bae told Yunho as he looked Changmin and Junsu over skeptically.
“Friendly,” Junsu snorted as if the boy even knew the meaning of the word.
“Then it’s settled. You three play cards and I will go find Maggie. And I need to talk to Bill,” Yunho said, standing up, ready to continue his reunion.
“Maggie doesn’t work here anymore, duh. Your swan bought some house that she owned months ago and she’s retired and is off living the easy life,” Bae informed Yunho with a frown. “The new housekeepers suck ass. They can’t keep shit clean.”
Yunho stared down at Bae, shocked. “Jae bought Maggie’s cottage?”
“I don’t know what kind of house it was. I just know they threw her a party on her last day and she couldn’t get out of here quick enough. What, your swan doesn’t keep you updated?” Bae told Yunho. “Maybe he wasn’t so fond of the ugly duckling after all.”
“I guess not,” Yunho told him clinging to his cane tightly now. Why would Jae not have told him he bought Maggie’s house? That house was just not important to Jae…it was important to Yunho too.
“So I guess your precious swan left you. Did all the other swans abandon you too?” Bae asked, causing Yunho to flinch.
“Swans?” Changmin couldn’t help but ask as he took Yunho’ seat.
“The pretty boys,” Bae said, grabbing the cards and shuffling them. “You know the ones that used to visit him all the time, and the one that lived here. What did Eun call him? ‘Your Beautiful Friend’, you know the one that had the sex change.”
“Jae…sex change?” Changmin asked, snickering.
“His cock is sewed on if you get my drift? I know there are lots of rumors about Yunho and his swan being queer, but actually it’s a lot sicker than that,” Bae told Changmin knowingly.
Changmin stared at the boy, speechless for a moment, while Junsu lost a battle with the giggles. Changmin finally managed to get out, “Now that’s a rumor I might enjoy seeing spread.”
“Oh, I have,” Bae said, instantly liking Changmin more.
“I would be happy with just a personality change,” Junsu said of the man who had stayed in Tokyo breaking Yunho’s heart.
“I will find you guys later,” Yunho said abruptly, turning and walking away from them…needing to be alone. Yunho walked away, still reeling from the news that Jae had bought Maggie’s cottage…their cottage... and he had never told him.
********
Yunho sat in Bill’s office, waiting for the other man to arrive. He looked at the multiple pictures hanging on the man’s walls of horses and some of family members. There were also pictures of what Yunho assumed were prior patients of Bill’s that had overcome great limitations. Yunho tried his best to focus on the pictures on the walls and push away the negative thoughts that threatened to consume him. He couldn’t allow himself to think of Jae and their torturous relationship right now…he had to focus on his rehabilitation.
“Yunho, good to see you again,” Bill said as he walked through the door to his office. He patted Yunho on the back as he walked past him to sit at his desk. “You look good.”
“Thank you, I’ve been doing really good…well, as long as I get enough rest. Most days I don’t even need this,” Yunho told him as he held up his cane.
“Good,” Bill told him, smiling as he sat down. “Are you just here visiting or can I help you with something?”
Yunho smiled at the small, red headed man’s bluntness. “No, I have come here to make you an offer.”
Bill furrowed his eyebrows together. “An offer?”
“Yes, an offer,” Yunho informed him, trying to make himself grin for the other man’s benefit. “If a very wealthy former patient of yours requested that you accompany him to the states to a rehab facility that you recommended, what would you want to be paid?”
Bill’s eyes lit up and his grin was not forced. “Yunho, about damn time. I am very happy for you. When do you plan to go?”
“At the end of the week. I don’t have any time to waste,” Yunho told him. “I have put it off far too long already.”
Bill rubbed his hands together in anticipation. “Yes, you have. It would be good for me to go back to the States. My family would be overjoyed…but I do have some misgivings.”
“Misgivings? I assure you, I will make it worth your while,” Yunho promised him.
“I have no doubt about that.”
“Then what?”
Bill picked up a pen and tapped it against the desk. “When you first came here and before I was involved in your care…I heard of this great friend of yours. This friend that everybody at Clear Creek loved, even though he was far richer and more handsome than any normal man could ever dream of being…janitors and doctors all loved him. He remembered the smallest details about people, making them bask in his presence…making them feel important.”
Yunho nodded his head and told Bill, “Jae, has always been like that.”
“Except he isn’t like that at all. I never met that version of Jae. My staff did not deal with that version of Jae. Jae is a handful and I don’t know if there is enough money on this earth to sign on for months of his overreacting, and over protectiveness,” Bill told Yunho, not mincing his words.
“Umm…Jae won’t be coming with me,” Yunho explained to Bill, avoiding eye contact.
“Really? Why do I find that so hard to believe?”
Yunho closed his eyes and told Bill in the calmest voice he could muster, “There are a lot of rumors circulating about me and Jae…and Jae does not want to encourage those rumors, so he will be staying behind.”
“Rumors... really?” Bill asked Yunho, smirking.
Yunho turned back to face Bill and exhaled a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “I won’t lie to you because I know it would be useless…yes, I am with him, but I wasn’t always. When I first met you…Jae and I weren’t together. We had broken up a long time ago…I hadn’t spoken with him in years. Nobody was more surprised than I was to find him here at Clear Creek when I woke up.”
Bill leaned back in his chair looking very surprised. “I just always assumed you had always been together. Why did you break up?”
Yunho swallowed and confessed, “It wasn’t exactly a mutual break up. I broke it off against Jae’s wishes.”
“Because of his attitude? I can see where that could get to be too much,” Bill told Yunho in sympathy.
“No, no, no,” Yunho corrected Bill, shaking his head. “The Jae you described before you met him - that was how he was all the time back then. He wasn’t perfect, but who is? There were some exceptions, but he was pretty much loved by all. He’s always had a way of making everybody feel important and comfortable. Our breakup had nothing to do with his behavior.”
“I might regret asking this…but why, then?” Bill asked, truly curious.
“I gave into my father’s pressure…and my own fear of being found out. Jae was completely thrown off guard by our breakup,” Yunho honestly admitted, frowning. “I hurt him a lot.”
“Ahh, so you are the reason he is like this? As long as you were asleep to the world you couldn’t leave him,” Bill said in understanding. “He can’t trust you.”
Yunho narrowed his eyes. “Of course he can trust me…I would never.”
Bill fought to keep from smiling. “I don’t mean to offend you…but it does explain the immense insecurity.”
Yunho stared at Bill, unable to disregard the truth of the man’s words, but this was not a discussion he should be having with him. “So will you go with me to rehab?”
“I’ll do it. Jae or no Jae,” Bill told him with a grin.
“I told you Jae wasn’t coming.” Yunho hated how sulky his words sounded.
“We’ll see,” Bill told Yunho as he picked up as small ball from his desk and threw it toward Yunho’s right hand. Although Yunho reached his hand up in time to catch the easily caught ball, it went sailing by. “Things change and that right there is going to change too. I expect a good game of right handed catch with you when we are done.”
“Deal,” Yunho told him, but he couldn’t fight the sense of heaviness that was overcoming him.
*********************
An hour later Junsu asked, “Do you really think he will be there?”
Changmin hurried through the grounds of Clear Creek with Junsu right beside him. “I know he is.”
“The place where…” Junsu trailed off, not wanting to put it into words.
“The place where he almost died.”
“I wonder why he would want to go back there?” Junsu asked nervously.
“Why did he want to go there that night? The ground was covered with snow…nobody could believe he made it that far. Yunho is just as crazy as Jae in his own special way,” Changmin told Junsu, not bothering to hide the worry from his voice.
“Sometimes I don’t think Jae and Yunho should be together…they are either completely happy or completely miserable…shouldn’t there be a happy medium?” Junsu rambled out quickly, describing his hyungs’ dysfunctional relationship.
“You are preaching to the choir, but what can we do? They are even more miserable apart…or Yunho was,” Changmin admitted. The years Yunho had spent away from Jae had not been happy ones. Changmin has always noticed a lingering sadness in Yunho even when he had fooled the rest of the world.
“Jae was, too…sometimes I thought he would take his life,” Junsu confessed, making Changmin abruptly stop and turn and stare at Junsu.
“That’s how he got Yunho to open his eyes. He vowed he would kill himself by jumping off the hospital roof if Yunho died. We always assume the worst of Jae. That he will do this and that for their love, but in truth Yunho is just as dysfunctional as Jae…” Changmin pointed out, paling as he realized the truth of his own words.
“You don’t think….”
“Yunho,” Changmin shouted, not giving Junsu time to finish his thought before he was taking off at a full run toward the spot where he had found Yunho so long ago and so close to death.
Junsu raced after Changmin as a fear more terrible than he could ever put into words consumed him. Surely not, Junsu told himself…they were just panicking. Yunho would never do that…suicide was a selfish end, and Yunho was a lot of things but he wasn’t selfish.
Changmin came upon the creek and stopped, gasping for air as he saw Yunho standing at the creek bank unharmed. He was just being ridiculous…a fool. He turned around to face Junsu and they shared a look of relief. Changmin forced himself to calm and he yelled out asking, “Yunho, what are you doing?”
Yunho didn’t answer Changmin, causing him and Junsu to walk closer to him. Yunho just stared down at the creek transfixed on the clear still water. “Yunho, what are you doing?” Junsu asked this time as he bent down and picked up Yunho’s cane that was on the ground beside him.
Yunho startled as if he hadn’t heard them approaching. “Just thinking.”
“Thinking about what?” Changmin asked, uncharacteristically taking the older man’s hand, not liking Yunho’s expression at all.
“I sometimes wonder if you ever pulled me from this creek saving me, if I ever woke from my mindlessness, and sometimes….” Yunho paused and swallowed, “And sometimes I wonder if I ever lived at all. What if I never opened my eyes…what if my heart isn’t even my own?”
Junsu and Changmin both were speechless as they stared at the older man who was now looking up at the sky. Yunho had placed his free hand over his heart. “But what would it say of me if I dreamed such a dark, desperate, and painful dream?”
“You’re not dreaming,” Changmin whispered, clinging to Yunho’s hand tighter.
Yunho went on as if Changmin hadn’t spoken. “What if this has all been my penance?”
“Penance for what?” Changmin asked at a lost.
Yunho turned to Changmin, his eyes held more misery than Changmin thought possible for one man to carry. “For letting it all fall apart…for losing the five of us. I can blame others, you can blame others, our fans can blame others, but in the end it was all my fault. It was my responsibility to hold us all together, and through my pride and cowardliness I let it all slip away.”
“But it didn’t…not forever. We are all back together now. Today is a good day,” Junsu said, grabbing Yunho’s other hand. “Today we get to make it all right again. We all made mistakes, but we’ve forgiven each other now. We get to make it right.”
Yunho turned to Junsu. “I am sorry I’m so melancholy. I must be scaring you two…but I am thinking of the past years, and not just of today. I am also thinking of a future. I have made so many mistakes. It’s so easy to blame Jae…when it’s been me stuck in the same pattern…never correcting it.”
Junsu stared up at the taller man and couldn’t help feeling deeply worried, and asked dreadfully, “What are you going to do about Jae?”
Yunho looked back down at the creek and told them in soft, reflective voice, “Whatever becomes of me and Jae will be up to Jae. I have held the reins of our relationship for too long. It’s all in his hands now.”
Changmin frowned, confused by Yunho’s words. “Are you going to give him an ultimatum?”
Yunho inhaled a deep breath and let it out. He then turned away from the creek, letting go of Junsu and Changmin’s hands, and started walking away with his head held up high. “No, I am going to apologize.”
************
“Then it is done?” Jae aroused from a deep blurry sleep to hear Mrs. Jung ask in a voice that held all the sadness of the world. Jae’s eyes opened and he found himself in a sterile hospital room surrounded by Yunho’s family and friends. The sound of sobbing filled the room as he slowly gathered his senses. He watched Yunho’s parents embracing each other while at the same time clinging to Ji-Hye.
“He’s gone, then?” Changmin asked in a voice that was all but dead. Jae’s eyes darted toward the younger man who was standing at the doorway, talking to three doctors who were decked out in white coats. Doctors Jae had never seen before.
“Yes, it’s done. If it’s any comfort, by donating his organs he saved many lives today,” the doctor in the middle said in a very comforting tone trying to rest a gentle hand on the tall, young man’s arm.
“It isn’t,” Changmin told him in a brittle, broken voice as he jerked his arm away from the man’s touch.
Mr. and Mrs. Shim moved toward their son, trying to embrace him, but he pulled away from them, refusing to be touched. Jae turned around to find Go Ara sitting in the chair beside him, tears flowing down her lovely face.
Jae jumped out of the chair instantly, as the horrible realization hit him. He was back in time. “What are we doing here? What happened?” Jae demanded, causing Changmin to turn and face him. Changmin’s eyes were full of hate for him…that old hatred that Jae hadn’t seen in so long…no. “NO! No…he lived. He survived the shooting.”
“Shut up. Just shut up,” Changmin told him hatefully.
Jae crumbled to the floor beside his chair as the reality of the situation overtook him. This couldn’t be. This had to be a nightmare, Jae reasoned, trying to force himself to wake up. He wasn’t back in this room with them. It couldn’t be. This was a cruel trick of his mind. A gentle touch on the shoulder made Jae look up in Mrs. Shim’s kind, sad eyes. “Jae, you passed out, but you got to see him for a moment. He would have wanted you here. I truly believe that.”
“No…no…no…” Jae cried frantically, shaking his head. “It doesn’t end like this. I got to make it right!”
“God, I hate you so much! Yunho is dead and it’s still all about you. You made it right? You never made anything right! You just made everything worse,” Changmin sneered down at Jae, looking like he wanted to kick him.
“No, there was wonderful forgiveness,” Jae insisted like a crazed man, refusing to believe otherwise. This was a nightmare. It had to be a nightmare. Yunho was not gone.
Changmin reached down, grabbed Jae by the arm, and pulled him to his feet. “There was never any forgiveness!”
“No!” Jae screamed at him, refusing to believe him. His mind was punishing him for being so cruel to Yunho…for staying in Japan. For making Yunho go back to Clear Creek without him. This was just punishment…for making it so hard for Yunho to go to rehab.
“Yes,” Changmin screamed back at him. Changmin was squeezing his arm so tightly…Jae could feel it bruising. “You can keep your last promise to him though,” Changmin told him coldly. “You can keep one last promise to him.”
Jae’s eyes widened at Changmin’s words. “Changmin…”
“Or was that just an empty promise like all your other promises?” Changmin said harshly with his cold, unforgiving eyes, cutting into Jae’s very soul.
“No, I meant it…” Jae said, pulling free of Changmin and backing towards the door. “I meant it. I won’t live without him. I won’t!” Jae vowed as he reached the door and turned around and ran. Jae found the staircase leading toward the roof and ran up the stairs as fast as he could.
Jae flung the door open that led to the roof of the hospital and staggered outside. His body was shaking all over, his breathing labored from running up the stairs. His heart raced as a terrible fear took over…if it was a nightmare he would have awakened already. This wasn’t the dream…the dream was ever being in Yunho’s arms again. The dream was feeling that love again…it had all been a dream. It was his dream…his wonderful, desperate, painful, complex dream where love had finally found a way in the end.
Jae stumbled to the edge of the roof and stared down at the fans gathered outside the hospital…a sea of red as far as his eyes could see. Jae wondered if the fans had all united again. Did one star burning out forever cause Cassiopeia to stand together once again? Did they remember a time when all five were loved as one, and the torn, tattered, divided fandom was full of love for all of them?
Jae crumbled to the floor of the roof. He promised Yunho he would jump, but now that he looked over the edge it seemed like such a selfish end. He had thought that the threat would have sent Yunho back from his dark abyss…but maybe even in death Yunho knew Jae better than he knew himself. Knew what he was and wasn’t capable of…perhaps in the end he could lie to himself, but not to Yunho. Or maybe Yunho’s brain wasn’t merely damaged, but it was really gone. Gone forever and any promises he made were in vain to a mindless shell of a body.
He had once thought he could not live without Yunho, but he had. He had lived with a huge aching pain in his heart but he had lived. He had cried a million tears but he had also smiled. If he could still gaze upon Yunho’s image and dream of one day reuniting with him…he could survive on hope.
But now Yunho was dead, and his body parts were now being spread across all of Korea on their way to the sick and dying to save them. Yunho had saved Changmin and he would go on to save many more after his death…his beloved Yunho. Jae gasped for air as a sharp pain shot through him as he thought of pieces of his beloved Yunho spread all over the country. Yunho would live on in people unworthy of such a gift…nobody was worthy of Yunho’s gift of life. His Yunho….his Yunho’s wonderful strength would go on to fuel others, others who never knew him. Did they love him? Did they scorn him? Did they even know who he was? It didn’t matter because nobody should live on at the cost of Yunho’s life.
His precious Yunho…who he loved more than anything, but did Yunho ever really believe that? Did anybody really believe that? Did Yunho ever really have any faith in that love? Words from the dream played over and over in his mind.
“Yoouu huuurt me as muuuch as yoouu love me.”
“You act like your some fucking martyr. You don’t act like the man that fucked Junsu and made sure Yunho walked in on you!”
“I told you that all your plans for revenge would only end up hurting you the most. I was wrong and you were right. You said Yunho would be the one to suffer and it appears you were correct.”
“So to hell with the rest of the world as long as Jae is happy? You’re such a selfish….”
“Don’t! Don’t you understand your love is poison to me?”
“You love me so much that you don’t give a damn how I feel. Don’t say you love me, because if it was really love than you could be my friend without all these games. I love you…what you feel toward me…it is love but it is also obsessive and sick.”
“Liar! You have some twisted need for me; something deep inside of you that can’t deal with the fact that I let you go. Getting me back might be the confirmation you need to finally pad that ego of yours beyond reproach, but you didn’t always love me…”
“Stay away from me. You can say and do the most hurtful things but you never have to take responsibility for any of it…you always have some excuse. Poor pitiful Jae! You just cry till I end up feeling guilty…for the shit that you do! Well not this time!”
“He wanted to protect me. He always wanted to protect me, but you…you are just a selfish bastard.”
“I wonder if U-Know knows that you would have taken the gun from your psychotic fan and shot him yourself if you had known it meant getting him back.”
“I used to want to hate you…so bad. I thought hate would make it easier. I didn’t hate you and I knew how much it hurt to still care…I didn’t want you to feel that. I would rather you hate me, than to feel that way.”
“That isn’t true. That’s a lie you tell yourself. You could be with Yunho all the time if you really meant that...but you don’t.”
“You are fucking crazy and I am fucking crazy for being with you!”
Jae shook his head, trying to free himself of the voices that had come back to haunt him. Over and over in the dream he had accused Yunho of not loving him enough when the reverse was true. Since the day their love began, Yunho had always fought with his consciousness, gone against his own sense of right and wrong, to be with Jae. Being with Yunho had always been easier for Jae. Jae didn’t let what he regarded as outdated ideas of right and wrong to govern who he loved, while Yunho had fought against his own sense of shame constantly from the very beginning to be with Jae. True, Yunho had lost that battle with his conscious at his father’s bidding, but Yunho had regretted it…well, in the dream he had. Yunho had gone from wanting to deny their love to wanting to announce it to the world.
“I knew you wouldn’t do it. You were always full of nothing but false promises,” the sound of Changmin’s bitter voice broke through the turmoil of Jae’s mind.
Jae looked up at the younger man with red eyes as the strength that had never left him during his living life started to fade away. “All those years ago…I should have never left. He was trying to honor his father…if I had stayed. If I had supported him then…”
“But you didn’t. You let your love turn to revenge.”
“If I had stayed?”
“You know the answer to that. Has he ever been able to deny you anything?”
Jae shook his head. “No, you are wrong. He wouldn’t have changed his mind. He was so determined. I knew he wouldn’t change his mind.”
Changmin snorted at the lies Jae told himself. “He was determined to do the noble thing, but if you had stayed by his side, he would have caved long ago…none of this would have happened. He could never resist you for long. This is all your fault,” Changmin said, looking down at Jae with eyes full of hatred.
“No, it isn’t my fault,” Jae told him, continuing to shake his head. He refused to believe such a thing. This couldn’t be his fault.
Changmin bent down and grabbed Jae underneath the chin and forced him to look at him. “It is. It’s entirely your fault. Yunho is dead. You are a dirty, horrible person, and everybody leaves you in the end…because they realize that you are as ugly on the inside as you are beautiful on the outside.”
“Shut up!” Jae screamed, jerking away from Changmin’s touch. “Just shut up! It isn’t true.”
Changmin straightened up and glared down at Jae. “They all abandon you in the end. The tiny hands that first held yours, your birth mother, your father, your…”
“My mother came back for me!” Jae screamed at Changmin.
“After she found out you were a celebrity…she didn’t care about you till then. Your father didn’t either. People always want something from you, Jae…always. They don’t love you…they love what you can do for them. They love that you are pretty, and they feel prettier standing beside you or even just looking at you. Your fans love the perfect image of you they have created in their mind…they would run from the real you. You have a thousand friends and yet you are the loneliest person I have ever met. Nobody really loves…the real you.”
“Yunho loved me. He did! I was in his heaven…I was his heaven,” Jae muttered, looking away from the cruel man and looking up into the sky. He had always lacked faith, but he prayed silently to wake up. Please God, he prayed, let it all be a nightmare.
Changmin snorted. “That wasn’t Yunho’s heaven, that was your heaven. It was your heaven with a dancing Yunho, and me as your love child. It was your heaven…it was never his heaven.”
Jae smiled as hope sprang anew. “Do you think that’s my heaven? Do you think I could be with Yunho forever?”
Changmin’s eyes narrowed. “Perhaps…”
Jae stood up slowly and stood on the ledge, looking down. “He was the only one I ever truly loved…the only person I could never live without. I loved other things too….I loved being loved by others. I was always so nice to people, so they would love me.”
“Except when it came to Yunho, then you were terrible to people. You were rude and jealous…you became like another man,” Changmin said, moving to stand beside Jae on the ledge.
“Yes, because I could never share him…I could never lose him again. I could never claim him either. Lee Soo Man said I hurt Yunho. Do you…” Jae paused and swallowed, unable to put his thoughts into words.
“Perhaps, you hurt him in ways that you can’t even imagine,” Changmin said, repeating back Lee Soo Man’s words for Jae.
“In my dream…Yunho wanted to come out. He didn’t want to live a life of lies. He wanted to go to rehab…he wanted to dance again. I was so selfish in my dream,” Jae said, sobbing openly now as tears ran down his face.
“So selfish.”
“I was afraid. I was so afraid of what the world would say. What they would think of me. I was also afraid of what they would say about him. His image would be destroyed,” Jae said, looking down at the crowd below him.
Changmin hissed. “You wanted to keep him for yourself…so selfish of that love. You didn’t want the rest of the world to know. You wanted to forever keep him as your plaything and live a dishonorable life. He wanted to live, openly and proudly…he wasn’t meant to hide away in shame.”
“It wasn’t anybody’s business,” Jae cried. “We didn’t owe them anything.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter now, does it? It was just a dream…Yunho never forgave you, and you never asked for forgiveness. You two never found your way back to each other, and Dong Bang Shin Ki never reunited.”
“Just a dream,” Jae whispered softly, holding his chest as that sharp, horrible pain stabbed him again.
“Just a dream,” Changmin repeated. “Just a dream, that can’t ever come true because Yunho died today and left you forever.”
“All hope is dead with my Yunho…my Yunho,” Jae groaned as the pain engulfed him, spreading all over his body. How could Yunho be dead and gone? His beloved lover gone forever and forever, out of the reach of his touch.
“You will never be with him again…unless,” Changmin paused, looking down at the ground beneath them.
“Yes,” Jae said, instantly understanding. “And even if I don’t find Yunho in my afterlife…then at least I wouldn’t be here in this world without him. Maybe it would just be nothingness…instead of this horrible pain,” Jae cried as he rocked back and forth, squeezing his arms to his chest as he came to a decision.
“Nothingness.”
“Yes, better than living without him…never ever being able to see him…to hold him,” Jae cried, reaching up and running his hand through his hair.
Jae knew what he must do. He would not live years and decades without Yunho. He wouldn’t…he couldn’t. His last words to Yunho would not be a lie. They would be the truth…his most honest truth. Jae turned to look Changmin in the eye to bid him farewell, but Changmin was already gone.
Gone like Jae would soon be gone…gone like Yunho was gone. They would die on the same day…him and his love. Dong Bang Shin Ki would officially die with them. One member would die sacrificing himself for another, and another member would kill himself because he couldn’t live with the knowledge that all hope of ever reuniting with that member…his lover... again, was lost.
Jae inhaled a deep breath and stretched out his arms. As long as Yunho was still in the world Jae could have gone on, but he could not live in a world that did not contain Yunho. He smiled as he remembered the first time he laid eyes on the only man he would ever love. Yunho’s wild hair and horrible jumpsuit, jagged teeth, and that smile…that most perfect, sincere smile. Yunho was so full of love. Yunho was the only one capable of loving Jae enough to quench the great need inside of him. Jae shivered as he remembered the feeling of being hugged by Yunho for the first time.
Jae closed his eyes and stepped off the ledge knowing if he could never feel those arms around him again then he would happily fall to his death. He sailed through the air, praying they would be reunited in death. He heard the fans screaming as he fell, and he smiled because he would always be young and beautiful in their eyes, and forever tied to Yunho.