My Addiction
Today has been very...difficult. Like Extremly.
I'll mark today as being one of my crisis days,
where everything goes into insanity, and I can't breath.
Days this bad only happen once or twice in a year or so.
I consume the deppression like a toilet drinking piss.
One of those hopeless, I don't want to live any more days,
and right now I surely don't.
I've had too many times this school year,
where I just can't bare it any longer.
Toying with my truth until it becomes blurry,
and I start shaking until my chest hurts.
If only you were there to see me,
It's god damn shameful, the way I cry some times.
tsk tsk
I remember how I'd used to feel this way in middle school.
I'd put on some cheesy "I will survive" song, pop in the shower,
lip sync it out, be as gay and campy as possible. Even in my own privacy.
I'd come out refreshed from something horrible. Light a candle, and wisk it away.
A true fucking optimist in and out.
Well I'm trying to learn how to do that again.
I'll half ass it if I have to. I little bit more optimism would help.
I need those survivor instincts, when I am my own worse enemy,
and when I feel more comfortable being unhappy in front of people.
Emotional Massochistic patterns have become by addiction,
because one day I decided bringing myself down wouldn't over power anyone,
maybe making some one understand,
trying to make it easier for some one to grow close to me.
Because I always seemed to overpower people.
Well there is a flaw in this system, it's not working for me.
By gods, it's gunna change.
I'm not sure when or how, or how to start.
but I'll try my hardest not to slip.
I'm already slipping...
I'll mark today as being one of my crisis days,
where everything goes into insanity, and I can't breath.
Days this bad only happen once or twice in a year or so.
I consume the deppression like a toilet drinking piss.
One of those hopeless, I don't want to live any more days,
and right now I surely don't.
I've had too many times this school year,
where I just can't bare it any longer.
Toying with my truth until it becomes blurry,
and I start shaking until my chest hurts.
If only you were there to see me,
It's god damn shameful, the way I cry some times.
tsk tsk
I remember how I'd used to feel this way in middle school.
I'd put on some cheesy "I will survive" song, pop in the shower,
lip sync it out, be as gay and campy as possible. Even in my own privacy.
I'd come out refreshed from something horrible. Light a candle, and wisk it away.
A true fucking optimist in and out.
Well I'm trying to learn how to do that again.
I'll half ass it if I have to. I little bit more optimism would help.
I need those survivor instincts, when I am my own worse enemy,
and when I feel more comfortable being unhappy in front of people.
Emotional Massochistic patterns have become by addiction,
because one day I decided bringing myself down wouldn't over power anyone,
maybe making some one understand,
trying to make it easier for some one to grow close to me.
Because I always seemed to overpower people.
Well there is a flaw in this system, it's not working for me.
By gods, it's gunna change.
I'm not sure when or how, or how to start.
but I'll try my hardest not to slip.
I'm already slipping...