Past and Present (Brigits Flame Week 2 Comp)

[aquarius_galuxy]

Title: Past and Present
Author: Aquarius Galuxy
Fiction type: Prose, original fiction (Novel idea #2)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Suspense (I guess?)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: slight mentions of gore
Word count: 1,850
Summary: Ito's history, and how it relates to her brother's capture.
Author's Notes: Written for brigits_flame's December Week 2 contest, topic being

Comments

[cutecrazyice]

Oh goodie you continued it! Are you doing a third installment? :D

[aquarius_galuxy]

It'll depend on the Week 3 prompt, but at the moment, I have no idea where it's going XD

p1

[mister_troper]

Hi, I'm one of your editors!

On a sort of matter of principle, I don't re-read previous entries in a series when I'm assigned edits, so it's possible I may note something that makes sense when taken as a whole, rather than a part.

Since you asked for moderate, I'm going to just specifically address the questions you asked:

The pace is also uneven, but I don't know how else to get everything explained without confusing readers, and gaining the maximum impact at the same time.The pace is uneven because all the action is in the beginning and the end. The first way to get around that is to make that not happen. One solution is to actually show the various events that make up the middle section of the story. As a rule, I don't like that idea. Authors don't give readers enough credit sometimes. There's a lot of detail that doesn't strictly need to be there - the time after the fire but before Mai, and even to some extent the time with Mai, clearly how they end up with Mai, but also the discussion of their subsequent occupations. The only

P2

[mister_troper]

Feel free to point out loopholes, and maybe suggest ideas on how I can fix them?My problems with the plot: 1) Mai's deal - the leap from "well, you can't be a thief, go learn woodcarving" is a bit odd. Mai's actually an assassin; this ain't Fagan and a bunch of guttersnipes. She kills people for money. I imagine she has uses for a boy who's good with a knife. Additionally, even if just a thief, there's much more to robbery than pickpocketing and burglary. Who's the fence? Who's the thug? As it stands, he generally comes off as, in Tropespeak, The President's Daughter, which is okay because it's short, but something of a disservice

Re: P2

[aquarius_galuxy]

Thank you so much for the suggestions and analysis! The points you mentioned are really useful as I'm still in the middle of developing the plot, and am not sure about the mistakes I've made so far.

May I know what the major urgh-points of a "history thing" are? =o I didn't actually think about that when I was writing this.

Once again, thanks for your time and efforts! =D

Urgh Points

[mister_troper]

Too much history - Infodump of historical knowledge. The classic is the scene of a character dressing, with explanations of each and every item that character puts on. The text shouldn't be there for the purpose of telling how much you know

[aquarius_galuxy]

=O thank you! Good start to what, may I ask? =p

[aquarius_galuxy]

=D Thank you!

Edit!

[jewelsverne]

Hey there! I'm Jewels, your other assigned editor. I just want to start off by telling you how much I enjoyed this piece. I thought it was wonderful and creative and it held my attention from beginning to end. I also love the characters - so vivid and unique

Re: Edit!

[aquarius_galuxy]

Thank you for the edits! =D I agree with what you've said - I've got too many commas everywhere. Glad you enjoyed reading the piece, and thanks for your time and efforts! =D