ATX
Im in Austin almost 2 weeks now... Don't know if its a depressive episode or Im just really hitting a hard light bulb moment. Thought it was everything I wanted but the start has been slow. I thought I wanted to start slow but ugh... I have to be working. Low key excited to interview for a part time job.
Weird pangs of missing my ex. I have to go see him soon to pick up some of my belongings. The text messages were alright. He wished me late Happy Birthday. It's a little nerve wracking since 2 and half or so years have passed since we broke up. In my opinion thats officially a long chunk of time, enough to see a different person possibly emerge. I've changed, but not really for the better. Theres a lot of trauma I have to sort through now that would of never of happened if I had just stayed with him.
But, I remember how unhappy and sad I was everyday in the last years of that relationship so I needed to be single and just try it.
I have a gut feeling hes never going to change though, that need to act like he doesnt care at all about anything is toxic. Im sure when I see him it will just be more of that. So good for me for not raising any hopes up that hes matured.
Whats weirder than missing my "Good" ex though is missing my Pilot. Ive come to this journal a few times to try and talk about it but I cant process it. I think the closest I can piece together is that its something like Lost in Translation but on a tropical island. He came to see me every day and then he was gone just like that... until one day he surprised me a month later when he came back just for me. He took a mission from Florida to Guam just to surprise me. We had the same day off and we just had fun. I had to hide how many times I cried out of happiness.
Just a few months before him my family had disowned me, and the crazy fuckboy ex left me out on the street while he had my most valuable belongings. This is how people who claimed to care about me treated me.
Then out of nowhere, to have this pilot fly himself across the fucking earth to surprise me with sushi and conversation on the beach was unreal. Its this emotional whiplash I cant fucking process right now. What kind of treatment do I deserve? I encourage? I accept? The crazy emotionally (and low key sexually) abusive ex was embarassing. I fell for the friendship act because I was in vulnerable place... behind closed doors he was majorly disturbed...the classic "all my exes are crazy" kind of guy. Luckily every mutual friend who has asked about it believes me.
I dont really miss the Pilot like I want to date or be with him, but it was knowing we had a connection. Im horrible at writing him back. He came into my life at the right time. I had just finished dealing with people who tried to make me believe I didnt deserve respect. Mr. Pilot restored a lot of faith in what relationships can be again... Lost in Translation always used to make me cry at the end, but now I know I cant watch it ever again. Way to go me.