nobody ever said it would be easy
So I signed up for Camp NaNoWriMo yesterday as soon as the site went live. And six or so hours later, I realised I had pretty much signed myself a death sentence.
Cos, yeah, transcribing and novellling?
Equals death and despair and screaming frustration.
I forgot that the reason last year's NaNo was such a blazing success, aside from being practically held hostage by Sean, was because I was monitoring. So I could spend those court hours jotting notes down to be later written up into full prose. Or, you know, actually writing in court.
And now as a transcriber when I come home after work, I am completely devoid of any creative ability. You have to shut down that part of your brain as a transcriber and I, for one, can't just instantly switch back into it. I need time and sleep to move from one mode to the other.
But I want to. Damn it. That childish daimonic urge is looking very stubborn and mutinous and is on the verge of stamping its foot and saying "No! I want it now!" *sigh* And I have made a commitment. I have signed up. It would really rankle if I admitted defeat before I even started. Hell, it still bugs me that I never finished NaNo back in 04. I really don't want another mark on that blackboard of failure.
I had an absolutely horrible day yesterday cos I woke up with a slight headache and then there was something weird with the aircon in the office cos not just me but two other people had splitting headaches. I got there an hour late but that worked out all right because I stayed back an hour too, half wondering how shit my transcribing was. It got to the point where I was practically nauseous when I got home, pretty sure it had flared into full migraine mode where it feels like your brain is just throbbing like a boil inside your head, all those membranes hurting against your skull. So that made the whole NaNo situation seem even worse and I had to force myself to just let it go and go to sleep. "Sleep on it," as kandielei quite rightly said on Bookface.
Woke up at five this morning, fully refreshed and feeling reborn --- god, the bliss of a head that doesn't hurt --- and suddenly it occurred to me that maybe this is what I could do. Go to bed at ten thirty every night, wake up at five and write until I have to go to work.
Except that has never worked for me, has it? I hate having to actually stop writing because of something else, some other commitment. Hell, it maddens me no end when I have to stop because I'm starving so now I make sure I eat before I start writing and that way I can just keep slogging at the scene until it's done and I can relax and then think about feeding myself and relaxing my brain.
I hate that deadline looming up ahead, an external line that says "No, you have to stop right here, I don't care that the scene is working well and that you're in the zone and all the language is flowing wonderfully together and you can sense some brilliant moment of emotional resolution/evolution/revolution up ahead, NO! You have to take your fingers off the keyboard and walk away right NOW." I fucking hate that shit, it makes me want to slit throats and cry and throw things against walls.
*sigh* The soul urge that will not be denied.
So I don't know. I don't know what to do. The only viable option is to somehow make myself write every night after work and that makes me worry about how bad the writing will be, how it may undo all the good hard work I've already put into the novel up to this point.
Actually, that might solve itself. Because the whole thing with NaNo is the 50,000 word goal, right? And I've already got 135,000 words. So I was kinda wondering how to make it easiest for me to calculate my written words for the day. Rather than trying to find that certain start point every day, I thought maybe I should just do a new document, call it 'campnano' and just write in that. Cos, yeah, no, I don't do chapters, every novel is just one document of scenes. "Chapters are an invention of parents who want to go to bed," said Terry Pratchett.
And that might work out well because if I can just write in a whole new document, then it doesn't really matter about how it matches up. It really will be like a rough draft and then I have that illusion of going back to refine it, make it good before I paste it into the master document.
Yeah. *nods* I can do that.
The little illusions we create for ourselves. :p
I wonder if we can get graham crackers here. I'm rather tempted by the whole smores thing. I've never had smores. And they do sound like something I would like. But the whole thing of melting chocolate sounds a bit messy. *lol* But, yes, supplies. I should inventory the stock of chocolate and biscuits and see what needs buying. Good thing my work bus stop is right outside Woolies Metro. Hee.
We can do this. We can totally do this. Whether it be for one month or two. Whether we sail through or collapse of exhaustion. We will triumph!
Who's this 'we' business?
It's just me. Me at the laptop.
Me and a few other million people at their laptops, hacking away through the mess of words to create that good art. That's why you love NaNo, remember? That sense of not being alone in this for once.
Onwaaaaarrrrrds! *raises laptop and charges*
Cos, yeah, transcribing and novellling?
Equals death and despair and screaming frustration.
I forgot that the reason last year's NaNo was such a blazing success, aside from being practically held hostage by Sean, was because I was monitoring. So I could spend those court hours jotting notes down to be later written up into full prose. Or, you know, actually writing in court.
And now as a transcriber when I come home after work, I am completely devoid of any creative ability. You have to shut down that part of your brain as a transcriber and I, for one, can't just instantly switch back into it. I need time and sleep to move from one mode to the other.
But I want to. Damn it. That childish daimonic urge is looking very stubborn and mutinous and is on the verge of stamping its foot and saying "No! I want it now!" *sigh* And I have made a commitment. I have signed up. It would really rankle if I admitted defeat before I even started. Hell, it still bugs me that I never finished NaNo back in 04. I really don't want another mark on that blackboard of failure.
I had an absolutely horrible day yesterday cos I woke up with a slight headache and then there was something weird with the aircon in the office cos not just me but two other people had splitting headaches. I got there an hour late but that worked out all right because I stayed back an hour too, half wondering how shit my transcribing was. It got to the point where I was practically nauseous when I got home, pretty sure it had flared into full migraine mode where it feels like your brain is just throbbing like a boil inside your head, all those membranes hurting against your skull. So that made the whole NaNo situation seem even worse and I had to force myself to just let it go and go to sleep. "Sleep on it," as kandielei quite rightly said on Bookface.
Woke up at five this morning, fully refreshed and feeling reborn --- god, the bliss of a head that doesn't hurt --- and suddenly it occurred to me that maybe this is what I could do. Go to bed at ten thirty every night, wake up at five and write until I have to go to work.
Except that has never worked for me, has it? I hate having to actually stop writing because of something else, some other commitment. Hell, it maddens me no end when I have to stop because I'm starving so now I make sure I eat before I start writing and that way I can just keep slogging at the scene until it's done and I can relax and then think about feeding myself and relaxing my brain.
I hate that deadline looming up ahead, an external line that says "No, you have to stop right here, I don't care that the scene is working well and that you're in the zone and all the language is flowing wonderfully together and you can sense some brilliant moment of emotional resolution/evolution/revolution up ahead, NO! You have to take your fingers off the keyboard and walk away right NOW." I fucking hate that shit, it makes me want to slit throats and cry and throw things against walls.
*sigh* The soul urge that will not be denied.
So I don't know. I don't know what to do. The only viable option is to somehow make myself write every night after work and that makes me worry about how bad the writing will be, how it may undo all the good hard work I've already put into the novel up to this point.
Actually, that might solve itself. Because the whole thing with NaNo is the 50,000 word goal, right? And I've already got 135,000 words. So I was kinda wondering how to make it easiest for me to calculate my written words for the day. Rather than trying to find that certain start point every day, I thought maybe I should just do a new document, call it 'campnano' and just write in that. Cos, yeah, no, I don't do chapters, every novel is just one document of scenes. "Chapters are an invention of parents who want to go to bed," said Terry Pratchett.
And that might work out well because if I can just write in a whole new document, then it doesn't really matter about how it matches up. It really will be like a rough draft and then I have that illusion of going back to refine it, make it good before I paste it into the master document.
Yeah. *nods* I can do that.
The little illusions we create for ourselves. :p
I wonder if we can get graham crackers here. I'm rather tempted by the whole smores thing. I've never had smores. And they do sound like something I would like. But the whole thing of melting chocolate sounds a bit messy. *lol* But, yes, supplies. I should inventory the stock of chocolate and biscuits and see what needs buying. Good thing my work bus stop is right outside Woolies Metro. Hee.
We can do this. We can totally do this. Whether it be for one month or two. Whether we sail through or collapse of exhaustion. We will triumph!
Who's this 'we' business?
It's just me. Me at the laptop.
Me and a few other million people at their laptops, hacking away through the mess of words to create that good art. That's why you love NaNo, remember? That sense of not being alone in this for once.
Onwaaaaarrrrrds! *raises laptop and charges*