(no subject)
Another fantastic day. i went to bed around 11 last night and woke up at 2:30 am after having weird dreams. i dreamt that i was walking down the street at night, the same path i always took to mal's old house. when i got there everyone was home, but they were all leaving, and i somehow got stuck upstairs in her room, and couldn't get out because she had no door knob. the scissors we used to use to open it were out on the roof, and Mal's old cat Fondu, who somehow magically morphed into Toast knocked them onto the ground. i started crying, because her room was empty, and then her Dad came in. And I had a flashback of the time i called her dad a fucking asshole, and got in this huge fight with him for like 2 hours. Then I dreamt about pretty much every single time i fought with him over the phone, or while mal was at dance at riverside. and the time he started threatening me because I wouldn't tell him where Mal was. Then in my dream, I started screaming at him, and he tried to break my neck or something, so I ran outside and saw all this weird shit in the mirror that was on her old closet door. Weird shifty looking ghosts, of people from my past. Then somehow i was in her living room, and it was really dark and i couldn't find anyone, but i kept seeing stuff move around. Then I started crying, because i was so alone, and couldn't find mal, and I found a note saying that she and everyone were leaving for Texas. It was really dark, and I was laying on her old couch with the broken arm, trying not to cry, and I kept hearing all these loud crashes upstairs. Then Rodgie kept running around looking lost, and shivering and whimpering. then Mal and Kailey walked through the house, and they had suitcases, and Mal said "I don't love boys who cry". Then they left, and their stupid dad was screaming at me about something, and asking me how I liked being alone. It was extremely realistic, and eventually I woke up, and felt really uneasy. I couldnt' go back to sleep so i layed in a ball and thought about all of the fucking fights i got into with him, all of the times i got into fights with my own dad, the last things my mom said to me when she kicked me out. and I thought about all the tears i've hidden for so long, and how now that i finally choose to show them, i'm automatically a fuck up.
But I think for once I'm 'ok'. And I'm ok, because im ok with the fact that I'm really not ok. And maybe never was.But I'm ok with that. I'm just tired of trying so hard, and loving so much, and just not being able to do it, or anything right. If it were a selective emotion, and not relentlessly painful, I would be much better off. I'm not scared anymore.... I'm just fucking hurt.
To further enhance my day, my grandpa went into the hospital, because something is wrong with his blood and circulation, and that's extremely bad, because the tests he was having before interfere with the blood tests he needs now.
I had an anxiety attack or something, and didin't really go to class. Then when I came home, I slept until now, and during that time dreamed about the time mal took a whole bunch of tylenol, only in my dream I kept trying to wake her up and couldn't. And I was crying, then I woke up standing in my kitchen, crying, and realized I was sleepwalking.
I was sleep walking the other night too, after I rode around in Martins car while he and Chris fucking drank a disgusting ammount of beer, and wouldn't let me out. Then they rode around with Adam and his gang of honda's, and I really thought I was going to die. But that might have been ok. Instead I went home and had a dream i was trapped in grey towers, and woke up in my bathroom.
so the neighborhood's dimming, i smoke on the porch
watch the people as they pass enclosed inside their cars
On their faces just anger or disappointment
i start wishing there was something I could offer them
a consolation, what could I offer them?
well, they are sad in their suburbs, robots water the lawn
and everything they touch gets dusted spotless
and so they start to believe they've not touched anything at all
and the cars in the driveway only multiply
well, They are lost in their houses
i've heard them sing in the shower
making speeches to their sister on the telephone
saying, "You come home, woman, you come here
don’t stay so far away from me"
this weather has me wanting love more tangible
something I can hold
cause it’s getting cold
let's hold up our fists to the flame in the sky
to block out the light that's reaching for our eyes
cause it, cause it would blind us
yeah it will blind us
well, I've locked my actions in the grooves of routine
so I may never be free of this apathy
but I wait for a letter that's coming to me
she sends me pictures of the ocean in an envelope
so there still is hope, yes, I can be healed
there is someone looking for what I've concealed
in my secret drawer, in my pockets deep
you will find the reasons that I can’t sleep
and you will still want me
but will you still want me?
will you still want me?
well i said "Come for the week, you can sleep in my bed
and pass through my life like a dream through my head
it will be easy
i'll make it easy"
but, all I have for the moment is a song to pass the time
and a melody to keep me from worrying
But I think for once I'm 'ok'. And I'm ok, because im ok with the fact that I'm really not ok. And maybe never was.But I'm ok with that. I'm just tired of trying so hard, and loving so much, and just not being able to do it, or anything right. If it were a selective emotion, and not relentlessly painful, I would be much better off. I'm not scared anymore.... I'm just fucking hurt.
To further enhance my day, my grandpa went into the hospital, because something is wrong with his blood and circulation, and that's extremely bad, because the tests he was having before interfere with the blood tests he needs now.
I had an anxiety attack or something, and didin't really go to class. Then when I came home, I slept until now, and during that time dreamed about the time mal took a whole bunch of tylenol, only in my dream I kept trying to wake her up and couldn't. And I was crying, then I woke up standing in my kitchen, crying, and realized I was sleepwalking.
I was sleep walking the other night too, after I rode around in Martins car while he and Chris fucking drank a disgusting ammount of beer, and wouldn't let me out. Then they rode around with Adam and his gang of honda's, and I really thought I was going to die. But that might have been ok. Instead I went home and had a dream i was trapped in grey towers, and woke up in my bathroom.
so the neighborhood's dimming, i smoke on the porch
watch the people as they pass enclosed inside their cars
On their faces just anger or disappointment
i start wishing there was something I could offer them
a consolation, what could I offer them?
well, they are sad in their suburbs, robots water the lawn
and everything they touch gets dusted spotless
and so they start to believe they've not touched anything at all
and the cars in the driveway only multiply
well, They are lost in their houses
i've heard them sing in the shower
making speeches to their sister on the telephone
saying, "You come home, woman, you come here
don’t stay so far away from me"
this weather has me wanting love more tangible
something I can hold
cause it’s getting cold
let's hold up our fists to the flame in the sky
to block out the light that's reaching for our eyes
cause it, cause it would blind us
yeah it will blind us
well, I've locked my actions in the grooves of routine
so I may never be free of this apathy
but I wait for a letter that's coming to me
she sends me pictures of the ocean in an envelope
so there still is hope, yes, I can be healed
there is someone looking for what I've concealed
in my secret drawer, in my pockets deep
you will find the reasons that I can’t sleep
and you will still want me
but will you still want me?
will you still want me?
well i said "Come for the week, you can sleep in my bed
and pass through my life like a dream through my head
it will be easy
i'll make it easy"
but, all I have for the moment is a song to pass the time
and a melody to keep me from worrying