It's Over!
Well, the mess in my kitchen and the pain in my legs and arms would suggest to me that yesterday was a Quest game.
My last Quest game that I'm GMing for a while. I'm not even thinking about running another game until after the semester has started (and I certainly won't be running a game until the spring, at the earliest).
In all, I don't know what to think about the whole experience. I succeeded in that Quest had a full roster of events since 06-07 (and I can't thank gee_tar and the duo of tigerdreams/angelus7988 enough for running games this year also, I really can't). And a majority of the games seemed to have been perceived as successful by the people who attended.
That last bit is really the sticking point for me; people who attended. Not the people busy with life stuff (which happens), not the people who couldn't find rides (which also sucks), not the people who couldn't afford it (and frankly, I took a 600 or 700 dollar hit to my finances, when all is said and done, and that's just what I know off the top of my head, so I totally understand), but also the people for whom, for whatever reason, Quest is no longer a priority. My event yesterday had 19 people in attendance. My event at the beginning of the year had 28 (numbers ranged all year in the high 20s and low 30s all year). That isn't to say I'm not very appreciative of the people who came, both PC and NPC. It's them that make this whole thing feel worth it at all.
I made Quest a priority this year, and it's totally unreasonable for me to think other people would also. And there definitely were people who made Quest a priority this year. There were people (see life stuff and finances) who couldn't. But there were also people who totally blew me off; people who respondez si vous plait, and then didn't have the decency to tell me they weren't coming. People whom I accomodated at every step of the way who still griped, avoided me, or completely blew me off. This is my in-group, these are the people I consider friends?
And some of them aren't friends, not anymore.
I wonder, in my personal fable sort of way (see Psych prof, I don't just tune you out and do well on your tests), how much of it is my fault. There was a time when I was totally vicious on the forums, I got into heated arguments and let my emotions get the best of me. I'm better about that now, but I'm still of a personality that there comes a point where I simply stop taking the bullshit, and I let people know that. It gets me in trouble, it'll probably continue to get me in trouble, and I'm working towards a way to be more forthcoming about my grievances without unleashing hell on people when I get tired of their waffling. I'm little better in my emails, bullying people into voting and doing work, when goodness knows they probably didn't anticipate that a position of leadership would require effort, that things take work, that someone has to clean up the sandbox, put away the toys, and get things ready for the next group of folks looking to play. I've been very vocal about the fact that if you're not here to work, you're hurting the organization. And maybe that's been the wrong tactic. I don't say thank you enough and that can also push people away.
I can't help but wonder if that pushing people away translated into attendance. That people saw that I was running another game and suddenly realized they had plans. That no amount of food bribery and magic items and cool in-game stuff could make people come. This year I gave out 15 magic items, which is more magic items than Quest has seen in a very long time (a magic item also went out in March), and gave them out to the same dozen people. I made sure people weren't on staff for all the games (accepting zfarcher, who is a saint) so that way they could have the opportunity to have their characters pick up money, magic items, and points.
I agonized over everything, put schoolwork and housework and relationship and life on the backburner, since August, to try and save something I felt so passionately about (it's just what I do). But the organization still is going to barely break even, and average attendance dropped steadily over the course of the year. I've reduced the sticks, and increased the carrots, and I still can't get the fucking mule to move. If anything, it kicks back harder. In an attempt to try and please everyone, I've pleased almost no one, myself included.
I expected to come away from this year elated. A full roster of events, 5-6 new players over the course of the year, full staff for every game. And then people couldn't be on staff, and none of the new players came back (that could change for one of the ones who came yesterday, and possibly for others). For all the good I thought I was doing, there's little payoff. Maybe I'm being too short-sighted, but it's going to be impossible to be happy about next game season. Either a bunch of people will start coming to games again in the fall, and regardless of reason, it'll feel like it's because I'm not running those games. Or fewer people will attend and I'll feel like I've hastened the slow decline that's been going on since I started coming to Quest games. I've got all these great ideas for games and game world stuff and policy and marketing and, and, and it all feels totally pointless. I'm not seeing a positive change and the only constant in all these problems is my involvement. I need to think long and hard about what I'm doing to this organization, and to myself. I expected to come off this year elated, and like Quest, I only seem to have come off worse for wear.
Note that this isn't a call for accolades, apologies, or criticisms. Accolades and apologies tend to be meaningless if you have to ask for them, and I criticize myself far more than this public bit of head-space could ever suggest. Further, you've had all year to do all three without my goading.
I think I'm going to be done with lj for a bit.
My last Quest game that I'm GMing for a while. I'm not even thinking about running another game until after the semester has started (and I certainly won't be running a game until the spring, at the earliest).
In all, I don't know what to think about the whole experience. I succeeded in that Quest had a full roster of events since 06-07 (and I can't thank gee_tar and the duo of tigerdreams/angelus7988 enough for running games this year also, I really can't). And a majority of the games seemed to have been perceived as successful by the people who attended.
That last bit is really the sticking point for me; people who attended. Not the people busy with life stuff (which happens), not the people who couldn't find rides (which also sucks), not the people who couldn't afford it (and frankly, I took a 600 or 700 dollar hit to my finances, when all is said and done, and that's just what I know off the top of my head, so I totally understand), but also the people for whom, for whatever reason, Quest is no longer a priority. My event yesterday had 19 people in attendance. My event at the beginning of the year had 28 (numbers ranged all year in the high 20s and low 30s all year). That isn't to say I'm not very appreciative of the people who came, both PC and NPC. It's them that make this whole thing feel worth it at all.
I made Quest a priority this year, and it's totally unreasonable for me to think other people would also. And there definitely were people who made Quest a priority this year. There were people (see life stuff and finances) who couldn't. But there were also people who totally blew me off; people who respondez si vous plait, and then didn't have the decency to tell me they weren't coming. People whom I accomodated at every step of the way who still griped, avoided me, or completely blew me off. This is my in-group, these are the people I consider friends?
And some of them aren't friends, not anymore.
I wonder, in my personal fable sort of way (see Psych prof, I don't just tune you out and do well on your tests), how much of it is my fault. There was a time when I was totally vicious on the forums, I got into heated arguments and let my emotions get the best of me. I'm better about that now, but I'm still of a personality that there comes a point where I simply stop taking the bullshit, and I let people know that. It gets me in trouble, it'll probably continue to get me in trouble, and I'm working towards a way to be more forthcoming about my grievances without unleashing hell on people when I get tired of their waffling. I'm little better in my emails, bullying people into voting and doing work, when goodness knows they probably didn't anticipate that a position of leadership would require effort, that things take work, that someone has to clean up the sandbox, put away the toys, and get things ready for the next group of folks looking to play. I've been very vocal about the fact that if you're not here to work, you're hurting the organization. And maybe that's been the wrong tactic. I don't say thank you enough and that can also push people away.
I can't help but wonder if that pushing people away translated into attendance. That people saw that I was running another game and suddenly realized they had plans. That no amount of food bribery and magic items and cool in-game stuff could make people come. This year I gave out 15 magic items, which is more magic items than Quest has seen in a very long time (a magic item also went out in March), and gave them out to the same dozen people. I made sure people weren't on staff for all the games (accepting zfarcher, who is a saint) so that way they could have the opportunity to have their characters pick up money, magic items, and points.
I agonized over everything, put schoolwork and housework and relationship and life on the backburner, since August, to try and save something I felt so passionately about (it's just what I do). But the organization still is going to barely break even, and average attendance dropped steadily over the course of the year. I've reduced the sticks, and increased the carrots, and I still can't get the fucking mule to move. If anything, it kicks back harder. In an attempt to try and please everyone, I've pleased almost no one, myself included.
I expected to come away from this year elated. A full roster of events, 5-6 new players over the course of the year, full staff for every game. And then people couldn't be on staff, and none of the new players came back (that could change for one of the ones who came yesterday, and possibly for others). For all the good I thought I was doing, there's little payoff. Maybe I'm being too short-sighted, but it's going to be impossible to be happy about next game season. Either a bunch of people will start coming to games again in the fall, and regardless of reason, it'll feel like it's because I'm not running those games. Or fewer people will attend and I'll feel like I've hastened the slow decline that's been going on since I started coming to Quest games. I've got all these great ideas for games and game world stuff and policy and marketing and, and, and it all feels totally pointless. I'm not seeing a positive change and the only constant in all these problems is my involvement. I need to think long and hard about what I'm doing to this organization, and to myself. I expected to come off this year elated, and like Quest, I only seem to have come off worse for wear.
Note that this isn't a call for accolades, apologies, or criticisms. Accolades and apologies tend to be meaningless if you have to ask for them, and I criticize myself far more than this public bit of head-space could ever suggest. Further, you've had all year to do all three without my goading.
I think I'm going to be done with lj for a bit.