Oh shit.
So, I'm cruising along, reading Geek Feminism's latest linkspam.
And I notice before I start reading any of the links that there are some moderately critical comments about one of the links, but I click through and read it anyway, because the comments don't make it sound that bad. And I dunno if "triggered" is the right word, but I've not actually managed to read the entire thing yet and I'm feeling upset, shaking and distressed, so I'm at least on the triggered spectrum, so to speak.
And I'd really like to tell the Geek Feminists that I think it might be worth having a warning that that link is potentially triggery. Which I would do by leaving a comment, right? But I've been participating on Geek Feminism under my legal, job-seeking name. Idunno that I want potential employers to find me ranting about how I've been treated as a working woman in male-dominated (geeky) fields, how it's left me fragile when certain things are said or implied, or at best, seethingly angry that another woman could be so blasé about what she's implying. Not to mention, well, sexist.
I did consider whether I should comment on the Geek Feminism linkspam under my real name linking to this rant, but that would sort of give the game away. Heh.
So, here's the link to Eileen Burbidge's article about women in tech. Potentially triggery, of course. I'm going to dissect the part that distressed me here, and the quote, or my ranty response, may also be triggery to others.
I currently work in the @whitebearyard office space with a lot of men over 2 floors. I’m quite certain that each one of them (or at least most of them) are acutely aware whenever there is a woman in the office. Full stop. They know if a woman enters the office, steps into the floor or is here for a meeting. In this setting, women get a lot more attention than “just another guy”. And if a woman in this setting cannot make a positive impression or assert her value as a prospective vendor, partner, employee/consultant, then maybe she’s actually not qualified or capable enough - or not wanting it.
I currently work in the @whitebearyard office space with a lot of men over 2 floors. I’m quite certain that each one of them (or at least most of them) are acutely aware whenever there is a woman in the office.
Yes, I've also worked in places where there were so few women everyone noticed when I walked in. And it is horrendously unpleasant. You (or at least I) know that you're under a lot of scrutiny none of the men there are under. You know the odds are that with so many men, and with a woman being present being such a big deal, that there will be at least one idiot (or worse) who will make harrassing or sexist comments about you, or even try to chat you up or otherwise get physical. And you know that while most men aren't harrassers or rapists, the other men there haven't had any practice challenging harrassing or sexist comments or actual assaulting behaviour, because they haven't had to worry, what with there being so few women they're all acutely aware of me. And that they're more likely to stick with the status quo (which is likely to be tolerant of the sexist or harrassing idiot) than suddenly realise they should have said something way back when, because now someone is getting hurt, right in front of them, because of that idiot.
You (or at least I) know that while you're trying to work at the actual job and make a good impression, part of your brain is going to be burning cycles covering your bases, figuring out who you need to avoid or act carefully around, whether you need to change how you dress or behave (in any direction) to reduce the risk of unpleasantness, what kind of hours you need to be present to meet the (usually unspoken) working assumptions and yet not run the risk of being one of only a few present in case they're your potential harrassers.
You (or at least I) need to become friendly with any other women who work there (frequently only admin staff) so you can pick up on the office politics, particularly learning who are the obnoxious types to avoid, ASAP, without impairing your image as one of the programmers, and suddenly finding yourself treated as though you're admin staff too, and don't have to be taken seriously.
I did mention that you're (or at least I'm) trying to do a normal geeky job during all this, didn't I?
Well, that's not good enough.
In this setting, women get a lot more attention than “just another guy”. And if a woman in this setting cannot make a positive impression or assert her value as a prospective vendor, partner, employee/consultant, then maybe she’s actually not qualified or capable enough - or not wanting it.
Because you can't be just an average geek, you have to be exceptionally outstanding to justify the fact that you're female and working in a male environment and everyone will be watching to see how you're doing. You get a lot of attention that the male geeks around you are not getting, do not have to live up to, and that therefore will not make them self-conscious in that way that has now been scientifically demonstrated to contribute to choking.
And because I'm very good at meta, I am simultaneously aware that my self-consciousness is probably making it harder for me to do even a decent job, therefore beating myself up for feeling self-conscious, (and for beating myself up; did I mention I'm good at meta?) and there you go, yet more brain cycles devoted to stuff that is absolutely not what I am (nominally) there to actually work on.
And again, feeling angry that all the men present don't have to worry so much about demonstrating that they're capable or qualified enough, and yet their right to be there doesn't have to be proven, and aware that even if they did (or the tables were turned, a man working in a woman-dominated environment), they have access to a much wider range of assertiveness without getting the "bitch" label, access to a much wider range of physical appearance without getting the "slut" or "dowdy" label, and permission to make far more mistakes while still being given respect and treated seriously, like an authority who knows what they're talking about.
It is an utter tightrope walk under the most excruciating circumstances, it has little to do with the supposed job, and walking the tightrope successfully doesn't get you anything, no-one notices there was even a problem or 20 that you carefully negotiated while pretending it didn't exist, because after all, it has nothing to do with writing code, or whatever you're getting paid for. And it doesn't help the next woman who arrives (probably after you've left because the stress is just not worth it).
And sometimes you do meet women like Burbidge who can apparently function well under these circumstances, and then you have more to feel bad about ("why can't I do that?") while you're wondering if she's on the autism spectrum because she seems not to notice exactly how she's being looked at, the different way she's being treated, the different expectations on her, in comparison to her male colleagues. And how she thinks it's all fine and reasonable that the standards are that different, or she hasn't noticed that the standards are that different, and you sort of feel sorry for her, and you don't really want to be friends with her because she doesn't seem to have the capacity to imagine how it feels to be you, and that's really not the kind of friend you need to survive this place.
I was going to read a bit further on into Burbidge's post, but bugger it, if no-one understands how upsetting reading just that was and why I'm reluctant to read further, I should just give up.
I'd like the shaking in my arms to stop now, thanks. At least I'm feeling more angry than fragile now.
This entry is originally published at http://aquaeri.dreamwidth.org/78014.html. Please go here to read comments; here to leave a comment (you can use your LJ OpenID).
comments so far.
And I notice before I start reading any of the links that there are some moderately critical comments about one of the links, but I click through and read it anyway, because the comments don't make it sound that bad. And I dunno if "triggered" is the right word, but I've not actually managed to read the entire thing yet and I'm feeling upset, shaking and distressed, so I'm at least on the triggered spectrum, so to speak.
And I'd really like to tell the Geek Feminists that I think it might be worth having a warning that that link is potentially triggery. Which I would do by leaving a comment, right? But I've been participating on Geek Feminism under my legal, job-seeking name. Idunno that I want potential employers to find me ranting about how I've been treated as a working woman in male-dominated (geeky) fields, how it's left me fragile when certain things are said or implied, or at best, seethingly angry that another woman could be so blasé about what she's implying. Not to mention, well, sexist.
I did consider whether I should comment on the Geek Feminism linkspam under my real name linking to this rant, but that would sort of give the game away. Heh.
So, here's the link to Eileen Burbidge's article about women in tech. Potentially triggery, of course. I'm going to dissect the part that distressed me here, and the quote, or my ranty response, may also be triggery to others.
I currently work in the @whitebearyard office space with a lot of men over 2 floors. I’m quite certain that each one of them (or at least most of them) are acutely aware whenever there is a woman in the office. Full stop. They know if a woman enters the office, steps into the floor or is here for a meeting. In this setting, women get a lot more attention than “just another guy”. And if a woman in this setting cannot make a positive impression or assert her value as a prospective vendor, partner, employee/consultant, then maybe she’s actually not qualified or capable enough - or not wanting it.
I currently work in the @whitebearyard office space with a lot of men over 2 floors. I’m quite certain that each one of them (or at least most of them) are acutely aware whenever there is a woman in the office.
Yes, I've also worked in places where there were so few women everyone noticed when I walked in. And it is horrendously unpleasant. You (or at least I) know that you're under a lot of scrutiny none of the men there are under. You know the odds are that with so many men, and with a woman being present being such a big deal, that there will be at least one idiot (or worse) who will make harrassing or sexist comments about you, or even try to chat you up or otherwise get physical. And you know that while most men aren't harrassers or rapists, the other men there haven't had any practice challenging harrassing or sexist comments or actual assaulting behaviour, because they haven't had to worry, what with there being so few women they're all acutely aware of me. And that they're more likely to stick with the status quo (which is likely to be tolerant of the sexist or harrassing idiot) than suddenly realise they should have said something way back when, because now someone is getting hurt, right in front of them, because of that idiot.
You (or at least I) know that while you're trying to work at the actual job and make a good impression, part of your brain is going to be burning cycles covering your bases, figuring out who you need to avoid or act carefully around, whether you need to change how you dress or behave (in any direction) to reduce the risk of unpleasantness, what kind of hours you need to be present to meet the (usually unspoken) working assumptions and yet not run the risk of being one of only a few present in case they're your potential harrassers.
You (or at least I) need to become friendly with any other women who work there (frequently only admin staff) so you can pick up on the office politics, particularly learning who are the obnoxious types to avoid, ASAP, without impairing your image as one of the programmers, and suddenly finding yourself treated as though you're admin staff too, and don't have to be taken seriously.
I did mention that you're (or at least I'm) trying to do a normal geeky job during all this, didn't I?
Well, that's not good enough.
In this setting, women get a lot more attention than “just another guy”. And if a woman in this setting cannot make a positive impression or assert her value as a prospective vendor, partner, employee/consultant, then maybe she’s actually not qualified or capable enough - or not wanting it.
Because you can't be just an average geek, you have to be exceptionally outstanding to justify the fact that you're female and working in a male environment and everyone will be watching to see how you're doing. You get a lot of attention that the male geeks around you are not getting, do not have to live up to, and that therefore will not make them self-conscious in that way that has now been scientifically demonstrated to contribute to choking.
And because I'm very good at meta, I am simultaneously aware that my self-consciousness is probably making it harder for me to do even a decent job, therefore beating myself up for feeling self-conscious, (and for beating myself up; did I mention I'm good at meta?) and there you go, yet more brain cycles devoted to stuff that is absolutely not what I am (nominally) there to actually work on.
And again, feeling angry that all the men present don't have to worry so much about demonstrating that they're capable or qualified enough, and yet their right to be there doesn't have to be proven, and aware that even if they did (or the tables were turned, a man working in a woman-dominated environment), they have access to a much wider range of assertiveness without getting the "bitch" label, access to a much wider range of physical appearance without getting the "slut" or "dowdy" label, and permission to make far more mistakes while still being given respect and treated seriously, like an authority who knows what they're talking about.
It is an utter tightrope walk under the most excruciating circumstances, it has little to do with the supposed job, and walking the tightrope successfully doesn't get you anything, no-one notices there was even a problem or 20 that you carefully negotiated while pretending it didn't exist, because after all, it has nothing to do with writing code, or whatever you're getting paid for. And it doesn't help the next woman who arrives (probably after you've left because the stress is just not worth it).
And sometimes you do meet women like Burbidge who can apparently function well under these circumstances, and then you have more to feel bad about ("why can't I do that?") while you're wondering if she's on the autism spectrum because she seems not to notice exactly how she's being looked at, the different way she's being treated, the different expectations on her, in comparison to her male colleagues. And how she thinks it's all fine and reasonable that the standards are that different, or she hasn't noticed that the standards are that different, and you sort of feel sorry for her, and you don't really want to be friends with her because she doesn't seem to have the capacity to imagine how it feels to be you, and that's really not the kind of friend you need to survive this place.
I was going to read a bit further on into Burbidge's post, but bugger it, if no-one understands how upsetting reading just that was and why I'm reluctant to read further, I should just give up.
I'd like the shaking in my arms to stop now, thanks. At least I'm feeling more angry than fragile now.
This entry is originally published at http://aquaeri.dreamwidth.org/78014.html. Please go here to read comments; here to leave a comment (you can use your LJ OpenID).
comments so far.