(no subject)
Tired. Again. Whey is the only time i ever update when i'm tired? Maybe it's a self-defence mechanism; if i claim i'm tired i don't have to write so much and can break off at any time. Also, i don't have to go into so much detail. It's more likely that staring into a bright screen for over five hours a day makes my eyes tired all the time. Gives me headaches too. Maybe from now on all my journal entries should be read assuming that i'm so tired i'm swaying in front of the keyboard.
Although it's not like anyone reads these. The only reason i still do this is because i like the idea of being one of those people who are able to sit down at their shiny Mac on their desk - not oak, or polished walnut, that's too formal. Maybe something in smoked glass and brushed aluminium? - and write down pat all the interesting and sophisticated things they did that day with their interesting and sophisticated friends. Possibly as they're writing they're sipping a latte from a tiny cup, and picking from an organic bran muffin. So i'll never get that in my life. I'm writing this on a wireless keyboard that's batteries are in the final stages of life. The computer isn't fairing much better and the mouse gave up a while back. I'm perched on the edge of a threadbare, bloodstained swivel-chair that doesn't swivel, because my cat is taking up eighty percent of the seat.
Actually, i enjoy the fact that nobody reads this. Before i used to censor myself constantly, in every entry, because of what people might think. That meant i had spin-off journals, things like a dream journal and a private journal nobody knew about. They're still littered about livejournal, i forget their names and passwords and drift on to a new dream journal, because the last one just wasn't working. No, it can't have been that my dreams just weren't very interesting. I think it might have been the colour scheme i was using.
On the note of not censoring myself anymore: I agreed to go to Megan's today. I really don't want to go. Megan is really nice, i knew her vaguely from Law last year, and now i sit next to her in english. She's always going on about how i don't appreciate her, and i don't like her. I do like her, i've just always had the nagging feeling she didn't like me.
Let me explain; when i was little there was a girl i knew called Jodie. I would always try to be nice to her, but sometimes she would be a bitch to me. She'd make fun of me for the things that i'd told her because i was trying to be friendly. Then, the next time i spoke to her, she'd be nice to me. But, because i didn't trust her anymore, i'd be cold back to her. So then sh'd act all upset, asking why i didn't like her. So the next time i'd be nice....and she'd be a bitch again. It kind of went round in circles for my entire primary school life.
I don't think it's just this girl that's made me like this, but i get a bit paranoid when people are nice to me that are a little different to the safe, geeky people i'm comfortable talking to . I think they're only talking to me so they can laugh later. If i hear people laughing in my vicinity i assume it's about me. That sort of neurotic thing. Yes, i know, i'm insane.
But that's the problem with Megan. She's so cool that i just assume she's above me. But then she talks to me in a nice way, and then assumes that i don't like her because i'm a little distant. I'm not distant, i just worry about why someone like her would bother to talk to me.
So i'm panicking about seeing her today. She invited me, i think Andy is coming too. But she hasn't said a time, hasn't said what we'd be doing....i don't do things like this! I don't have a social life! Is this some kind of test? If i say i'll meet her too early will she be pissed off? What if it's too late? She says she'll meet me in town...what if it's a trap? What if she never turns up?
And Max has just said something about going to the cinema. I'd much rather do that. Will Megan be able to tell if i suddenly change my story and pretend i'm busy? I know she'll give me crap about it on monday. What if we bumped into her in town?
ARRRGH i hate my blossoming social life. When i go to university i'm not going to have friends, i've decided. I'll put people off in the first week by not showering, then for the rest of the year i'll hole up in my room - god i hope i get an en-suite - and only leave when i need more toilet roll or to change a lightbulb. Actually, not even then. I don't need light i'll just curl up in the gloom and the dank. I would leave to get toilet paper though.
Although it's not like anyone reads these. The only reason i still do this is because i like the idea of being one of those people who are able to sit down at their shiny Mac on their desk - not oak, or polished walnut, that's too formal. Maybe something in smoked glass and brushed aluminium? - and write down pat all the interesting and sophisticated things they did that day with their interesting and sophisticated friends. Possibly as they're writing they're sipping a latte from a tiny cup, and picking from an organic bran muffin. So i'll never get that in my life. I'm writing this on a wireless keyboard that's batteries are in the final stages of life. The computer isn't fairing much better and the mouse gave up a while back. I'm perched on the edge of a threadbare, bloodstained swivel-chair that doesn't swivel, because my cat is taking up eighty percent of the seat.
Actually, i enjoy the fact that nobody reads this. Before i used to censor myself constantly, in every entry, because of what people might think. That meant i had spin-off journals, things like a dream journal and a private journal nobody knew about. They're still littered about livejournal, i forget their names and passwords and drift on to a new dream journal, because the last one just wasn't working. No, it can't have been that my dreams just weren't very interesting. I think it might have been the colour scheme i was using.
On the note of not censoring myself anymore: I agreed to go to Megan's today. I really don't want to go. Megan is really nice, i knew her vaguely from Law last year, and now i sit next to her in english. She's always going on about how i don't appreciate her, and i don't like her. I do like her, i've just always had the nagging feeling she didn't like me.
Let me explain; when i was little there was a girl i knew called Jodie. I would always try to be nice to her, but sometimes she would be a bitch to me. She'd make fun of me for the things that i'd told her because i was trying to be friendly. Then, the next time i spoke to her, she'd be nice to me. But, because i didn't trust her anymore, i'd be cold back to her. So then sh'd act all upset, asking why i didn't like her. So the next time i'd be nice....and she'd be a bitch again. It kind of went round in circles for my entire primary school life.
I don't think it's just this girl that's made me like this, but i get a bit paranoid when people are nice to me that are a little different to the safe, geeky people i'm comfortable talking to . I think they're only talking to me so they can laugh later. If i hear people laughing in my vicinity i assume it's about me. That sort of neurotic thing. Yes, i know, i'm insane.
But that's the problem with Megan. She's so cool that i just assume she's above me. But then she talks to me in a nice way, and then assumes that i don't like her because i'm a little distant. I'm not distant, i just worry about why someone like her would bother to talk to me.
So i'm panicking about seeing her today. She invited me, i think Andy is coming too. But she hasn't said a time, hasn't said what we'd be doing....i don't do things like this! I don't have a social life! Is this some kind of test? If i say i'll meet her too early will she be pissed off? What if it's too late? She says she'll meet me in town...what if it's a trap? What if she never turns up?
And Max has just said something about going to the cinema. I'd much rather do that. Will Megan be able to tell if i suddenly change my story and pretend i'm busy? I know she'll give me crap about it on monday. What if we bumped into her in town?
ARRRGH i hate my blossoming social life. When i go to university i'm not going to have friends, i've decided. I'll put people off in the first week by not showering, then for the rest of the year i'll hole up in my room - god i hope i get an en-suite - and only leave when i need more toilet roll or to change a lightbulb. Actually, not even then. I don't need light i'll just curl up in the gloom and the dank. I would leave to get toilet paper though.