Thoughts and musings - Genuine?
So then, I sit here at o'dark thirty in the morning and my mind is flooded with thoughts bouncing off one end of my cranium to the next banging into each other along the way and I decided to share the madness with you.
"The easiest kind of relationship is with ten thousand people, the hardest is with one." - Joan Baez
At the beginnng of this year, I made a promise to myself that I wouldnt lock myself away...I was going to get out there and meet people. I was so sure of it that the reason I am alone, and feel so alone is because I bring it on myself and I wanted to change that. I work from home...and I sit at home day in and day out within the confines of my home, leaving only to take the kid to and from school, a bit of shopping and every so often taking the kiddo out for some sunshine on the weekends.
For the most part though, I can literally go for a couple months and not speak to anyone except my daughter....my only contact to the outside world being what I catch on the news and my online wanderings. I realized just how bad/pathetic this was when my daughter told me I need to make some friends. Goodness! So yes, I decided I would do just that.
I gave it an honest shot. Now that its Dec and Im sitting here thinking, "I give up," I realize that I gave it a full year. The only things that have really changed are that I have a whole new circle of people to be disappointed in, I feel worse about myself, and I cant help thinking of all the gas money and cash I spent on drinks that I could have spent on something..anything else that would have been worth it.
I met a guy last Nov...a friends with benefits type of thing. What I really liked about him though is we actually hung out...plenty of times not taking it private, just for the sake of good company but we were always eager to see each other...at least once sometimes twice a week....Then....suddenly, it just stopped. At first I thought maybe hes busy projects, then as the weeks carried on, I worried I might have said or done something inadvertently offensive and he said no, not at all...he really enjoys my company and we'll get together soon, but it didnt happen. The more time that went by, the more I realized he simply lost interest. He was still going out, still met up with friends for dinner/drinks/etc yet declined/cancelled anytime I called and made plans with him.
What we have has pretty much been reduced IM's that taper off to silence soon after "Howre you doing today?" and occasionally running into him at events. Adding to my confusion, friends of his have approached me saying theyve heard so much about me, very nice and pleasant, and I dont understand why hed talk about me when he doesnt want to talk to me more less be around me.
After a couple of months of sulking, I decided to give it another go and met the interest Ive spoke about. Same thing..things were great...we've always had a great time together then suddenly nothing. While at one time he looked forward to seeing me and hanging out, I sit here now and know that he could really care less one way or the other if he sees me again. Add to the confusion again...his friends always seem happy to see me when they do, and a few have found me on myspace saying theyd like to get to know me as more than the girl that he brings around every so often, even his closest friend has said this which leads me to believe he hasnt said anything negative about me. Just...no reason other than lost interest and dont feel like being around me. Im so disgruntled now.
When I head into a relationship, my first focus is on the friendship..I dont expect or hope for anything more than that. But its a recurring theme for me....this isnt just about the guy from Nov, or just this most recent guy...its everyone. Its the reason I keep coming out...make the effort to meet people...out of the blue they decide they just dont want anything to do with me, and I fade back into myself.
The funniest (?!) part of it all is when I want to rip my hair out, and I go to someone in my past and say..."What is it about me?! What am I doing to drive people off?!" its the *same* answer...if they dont realize what a great person you are, they are losing out. But the one thing no one seems to have an answer to is "Well, if Im such a great person...what happened between us to change everything?" *blank stare* followed by an excuse to exit the convo.
Im not clingy...but Im not distant...I reciprocate interest, whenever I go out its always a good time, I rarely fight/argue..its got to be *serious* to get a rise out of me, Im understanding and respectful of others time and responsibilities, I dont ask for favors, Im there if someone needs me, I dress fairly normally, I dont have a weird laugh, Ive got impeccable personal hygiene..haha! I swear..I run through the list so much to figure out what it is... and the only thing Im left with is....perhaps none of it was real to begin with.
The more I observe, not just between myself but with others...the more I see everyone needs someone for something. Be it for attention, affection, love, because of some skill the other person has to use them for, the shoulder to cry on, the person to laugh with, the drinking buddy, the one to gossip with, what have you. Theres always some sort of purpose to the relationship and once theyve had their fix, then the other person isnt as important anymore..until they need them again. Convenience.
I cant imagine treating someone like that...if I enjoy their company Ill want to indulge it in again. Not just once every few months either...though even that would be an improvement over what I ever have. The same walls I found so constricting last year, I now find comfort and safety in. I dont want to be alone..not just romantically...generally. But I have a hard time with the superficial "Hey, havnt seen you in forever..we should keep in touch and get together sometime!" but never do...type of relationships because I actually mean it...which seems to be some sort of social no-no. I lose track of what people say to be friendly and what people say cause they mean it.
On the plus side...I had a great time with the kiddo tonight...instead of going out as I have been, we had family game night and played Life and Monopoly. She kicked my butt..won every game...! *Grrr!* But she went to bed a happy camper, and I am happy/thankful/grateful to have her. While I dont underestimate the great person and company she is, it would still be great to have someone or a small circle of friends to relate and connect with on an adult level.
Sorry Im so wordy...believe it or not, Im sparing you the bulk of whats been going through my mind. I guess that overall...I feel so let down. I really tried though...I was so open, so willing, stayed positive and hopeful... Now I just feel like I was fooling myself all along.
"The easiest kind of relationship is with ten thousand people, the hardest is with one." - Joan Baez
At the beginnng of this year, I made a promise to myself that I wouldnt lock myself away...I was going to get out there and meet people. I was so sure of it that the reason I am alone, and feel so alone is because I bring it on myself and I wanted to change that. I work from home...and I sit at home day in and day out within the confines of my home, leaving only to take the kid to and from school, a bit of shopping and every so often taking the kiddo out for some sunshine on the weekends.
For the most part though, I can literally go for a couple months and not speak to anyone except my daughter....my only contact to the outside world being what I catch on the news and my online wanderings. I realized just how bad/pathetic this was when my daughter told me I need to make some friends. Goodness! So yes, I decided I would do just that.
I gave it an honest shot. Now that its Dec and Im sitting here thinking, "I give up," I realize that I gave it a full year. The only things that have really changed are that I have a whole new circle of people to be disappointed in, I feel worse about myself, and I cant help thinking of all the gas money and cash I spent on drinks that I could have spent on something..anything else that would have been worth it.
I met a guy last Nov...a friends with benefits type of thing. What I really liked about him though is we actually hung out...plenty of times not taking it private, just for the sake of good company but we were always eager to see each other...at least once sometimes twice a week....Then....suddenly, it just stopped. At first I thought maybe hes busy projects, then as the weeks carried on, I worried I might have said or done something inadvertently offensive and he said no, not at all...he really enjoys my company and we'll get together soon, but it didnt happen. The more time that went by, the more I realized he simply lost interest. He was still going out, still met up with friends for dinner/drinks/etc yet declined/cancelled anytime I called and made plans with him.
What we have has pretty much been reduced IM's that taper off to silence soon after "Howre you doing today?" and occasionally running into him at events. Adding to my confusion, friends of his have approached me saying theyve heard so much about me, very nice and pleasant, and I dont understand why hed talk about me when he doesnt want to talk to me more less be around me.
After a couple of months of sulking, I decided to give it another go and met the interest Ive spoke about. Same thing..things were great...we've always had a great time together then suddenly nothing. While at one time he looked forward to seeing me and hanging out, I sit here now and know that he could really care less one way or the other if he sees me again. Add to the confusion again...his friends always seem happy to see me when they do, and a few have found me on myspace saying theyd like to get to know me as more than the girl that he brings around every so often, even his closest friend has said this which leads me to believe he hasnt said anything negative about me. Just...no reason other than lost interest and dont feel like being around me. Im so disgruntled now.
When I head into a relationship, my first focus is on the friendship..I dont expect or hope for anything more than that. But its a recurring theme for me....this isnt just about the guy from Nov, or just this most recent guy...its everyone. Its the reason I keep coming out...make the effort to meet people...out of the blue they decide they just dont want anything to do with me, and I fade back into myself.
The funniest (?!) part of it all is when I want to rip my hair out, and I go to someone in my past and say..."What is it about me?! What am I doing to drive people off?!" its the *same* answer...if they dont realize what a great person you are, they are losing out. But the one thing no one seems to have an answer to is "Well, if Im such a great person...what happened between us to change everything?" *blank stare* followed by an excuse to exit the convo.
Im not clingy...but Im not distant...I reciprocate interest, whenever I go out its always a good time, I rarely fight/argue..its got to be *serious* to get a rise out of me, Im understanding and respectful of others time and responsibilities, I dont ask for favors, Im there if someone needs me, I dress fairly normally, I dont have a weird laugh, Ive got impeccable personal hygiene..haha! I swear..I run through the list so much to figure out what it is... and the only thing Im left with is....perhaps none of it was real to begin with.
The more I observe, not just between myself but with others...the more I see everyone needs someone for something. Be it for attention, affection, love, because of some skill the other person has to use them for, the shoulder to cry on, the person to laugh with, the drinking buddy, the one to gossip with, what have you. Theres always some sort of purpose to the relationship and once theyve had their fix, then the other person isnt as important anymore..until they need them again. Convenience.
I cant imagine treating someone like that...if I enjoy their company Ill want to indulge it in again. Not just once every few months either...though even that would be an improvement over what I ever have. The same walls I found so constricting last year, I now find comfort and safety in. I dont want to be alone..not just romantically...generally. But I have a hard time with the superficial "Hey, havnt seen you in forever..we should keep in touch and get together sometime!" but never do...type of relationships because I actually mean it...which seems to be some sort of social no-no. I lose track of what people say to be friendly and what people say cause they mean it.
On the plus side...I had a great time with the kiddo tonight...instead of going out as I have been, we had family game night and played Life and Monopoly. She kicked my butt..won every game...! *Grrr!* But she went to bed a happy camper, and I am happy/thankful/grateful to have her. While I dont underestimate the great person and company she is, it would still be great to have someone or a small circle of friends to relate and connect with on an adult level.
Sorry Im so wordy...believe it or not, Im sparing you the bulk of whats been going through my mind. I guess that overall...I feel so let down. I really tried though...I was so open, so willing, stayed positive and hopeful... Now I just feel like I was fooling myself all along.