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I am writing this entry to apologize to all those that I have hurt in the past couple months. I never meant to cause anyone any pain, and I feel so horrible that I have. None of you deserve the way I treated you, and I wish I could go back and change the way I acted. However, I can't go back, so all I can do is hope that you can accept my
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I start out writing this and I seriously don’t know what to say. I think I explained it all to you recently. I’m not sure I explained why it bothered me so much, so that’s what I’m going to write about.
Beth, this never would have happened if I actually mattered to you, at all. I was definitely wrong after a while when I thought I did matter to you, and therefore every time I saw you I wanted to say hi, give you a hug, and ask you what’s up in your life. Then I went through a period of time where I felt like I needed to ditch the people in my life that were causing me trouble and wasting time in my life. I have told you numerous times, this was my fault. I should never have done this. But what you did in return is what led up to this. Of the people included in this, you were one of them. Of these people, you were the only one within a week who did not ask me if anything was wrong, why I wasn’t speaking to them, etc. Hell, you didn’t even do it for an entire month. You didn’t even say hi to me, like anywhere. For some reason this didn’t phase me...I guess I felt as if it was your “personality” or something. Then we started talking again, but it started out tremendously awkward, with you talking to me about important things although we had not spoken in a month. After that, you now know what happened. I realized you didn’t even care in that first time that I wasn’t around, so I wanted to see what would happen if I disappeared again. This time, I didn’t do an action just out of randomness, and it wasn’t cruel. Well, this time 2 months passed, and you never even cared to notice. So much for thinking we were good friends and we needed each other. You never needed me, you never cared about me, you never wished to be my friend, even after numerous times you stating so. I guess I don’t deserve you, because I must have done something wrong in order for me to be completely ignored. Do you remember that note you gave me after Valentine’s Day?(in response to the one I gave you) Looking through it, it’s the biggest bullshit I’ve ever read now. If any of it was true, this would have never happened. That note, by the way, is thrown out. I hope you did the same to mine, because although all of it is true, or was true, I don’t believe in any of it. All of this bothers me so much because never before have I felt like I had a good friend and then realize it was just an illusion that the “good friend” pulled in order to do whatever it is they wanted to do. If I were under the presumption you were just a casual friend of mine, it would not have bothered me at all.
As for your apology, its greatly accepted. Obviously you didn’t mean to do it, but that’s just the problem. This whole thing happened, without you thinking anything of it, or why or whatever. I don’t even care about your “apology” now that I think about it, because you’re just saying things I already know you did. And you don’t deserve any pain, no one does. Actually, this whole thing should make you happier because I was no use to you in the end.
All I know is, you’ll go perfectly fine without me in your life. I guess better, because you seemed to be doing fine ignoring me. You’re obviously a smart person with a lot of things going for you. I hope they do work out for you, and I don’t want to be in the way of that, because that’s all I’ve ever been to you...just some kid getting in the way.
~Mark
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