Tonight.....
Tonight for the first time in ages, after beating my head into a brick wall for months now,I'm just going to say what's on my mind...
Priesthood...feel free to have me booted out if you wish! I'm not sure I care any more or maybe I care too much for my own good.
For months I have felt disconnected from the faith, from people in the faith also. I've blamed myself. I've blamed myself for not being a good enough Shemsu. For not sending enough energy to people. For not giving good enough advice. For not being available enough. For not spending enough time on the boards. For not being popular or interesting enough. For not being part of the 'in person crew' etc
But you know what....
I'm here online for anything up to 8 hours a day, most days. I send energy and most people don't realise it and that's the way I prefer it really. I don't need kudos to use Mum's gift for people. She gave it to me to use and I do so even if I person has no idea. I watch LJ, Twitter, FB and the boards like a hawk and from the simplest sniffles to major problem will get energy sent to help in some way. Its my way of trying to make a difference. Of trying to feel useful. My way to honour the One who gave me a second chance and trusted me enough with something very precious, despite how bloody unworthy I feel about having such a gift.
Advice...some of you tell me I give good advice that helps. Available, yeah I'm here and if not email, offline IM...I'm still easy to get too. As to the popular/interesting side....hey, I've never been that. I'm a nerd, a study nut, a book worm, a loner and that hasn't changed over the years. But I have worked damn hard on me and I've hoped and prayed that I'd become at least tolerated....maybe even acceptable. And I am not sure about that any more....
Just to have one close friend in this faith would be nice. Someone to talk to, to be listened to, to have a laugh with. Am I really asking too damn much. The people I thought were that have just disappeared. There is no point asking because they simply not there. I've got tired of asking...
One time, not so long ago, people hung out, laughed and joked and were there for each other in this church. IM's were fun and you guys made time for people. Now, you have to go to a damn chat to get that. Or you have to part of the 'in person crew' to be good enough in this faith!
I'm sorry, I live in the ass end of the world. It will cost me between 5-7 thousand dollars to come to a retreat, so for me, its not a drop in the bucket. Seeing that I live on 10-12 thousand a year in carer payments its gonna take me a while to get it.
Right now...I don't see the point of saving such a sum. If your not good enough long distance, in person will make no difference!
How many more people feel the way I do? How many more people are wondering where the fuck are their so called brothers and sisters? How many more have to slip between the damn cracks before you wake up?
That's all I have to say.
Aqheretbastmut
Priesthood...feel free to have me booted out if you wish! I'm not sure I care any more or maybe I care too much for my own good.
For months I have felt disconnected from the faith, from people in the faith also. I've blamed myself. I've blamed myself for not being a good enough Shemsu. For not sending enough energy to people. For not giving good enough advice. For not being available enough. For not spending enough time on the boards. For not being popular or interesting enough. For not being part of the 'in person crew' etc
But you know what....
I'm here online for anything up to 8 hours a day, most days. I send energy and most people don't realise it and that's the way I prefer it really. I don't need kudos to use Mum's gift for people. She gave it to me to use and I do so even if I person has no idea. I watch LJ, Twitter, FB and the boards like a hawk and from the simplest sniffles to major problem will get energy sent to help in some way. Its my way of trying to make a difference. Of trying to feel useful. My way to honour the One who gave me a second chance and trusted me enough with something very precious, despite how bloody unworthy I feel about having such a gift.
Advice...some of you tell me I give good advice that helps. Available, yeah I'm here and if not email, offline IM...I'm still easy to get too. As to the popular/interesting side....hey, I've never been that. I'm a nerd, a study nut, a book worm, a loner and that hasn't changed over the years. But I have worked damn hard on me and I've hoped and prayed that I'd become at least tolerated....maybe even acceptable. And I am not sure about that any more....
Just to have one close friend in this faith would be nice. Someone to talk to, to be listened to, to have a laugh with. Am I really asking too damn much. The people I thought were that have just disappeared. There is no point asking because they simply not there. I've got tired of asking...
One time, not so long ago, people hung out, laughed and joked and were there for each other in this church. IM's were fun and you guys made time for people. Now, you have to go to a damn chat to get that. Or you have to part of the 'in person crew' to be good enough in this faith!
I'm sorry, I live in the ass end of the world. It will cost me between 5-7 thousand dollars to come to a retreat, so for me, its not a drop in the bucket. Seeing that I live on 10-12 thousand a year in carer payments its gonna take me a while to get it.
Right now...I don't see the point of saving such a sum. If your not good enough long distance, in person will make no difference!
How many more people feel the way I do? How many more people are wondering where the fuck are their so called brothers and sisters? How many more have to slip between the damn cracks before you wake up?
That's all I have to say.
Aqheretbastmut