I met the craziest man ALIVE...(bullet point no. III on the outline of my life)
Aside note: upon entering my dorm, you will find a red bowl. This bowl is full of candy and prizes. It's our candy and prizes bowl. Not many people can offer that to you. Maybe candy, but usually not prizes.
Back to the subject at hand...
On a scale of 1-10, today was: Ridiculous.
I'm going to try to give my life to you today in OUTLINE FORM! Aaaandheeeerewego.
26 January 2005, Otherwise known as--Wtfuck?
I. Visual Communications
A. When the new stadium for the Cardinals is finished, it will have a rotating field and...?
1. answer: a losing football team.
B. What is the function of fountains?
1. There is no function...Fountains are like jewelry, like wearing diamonds. We're basically saying "look! we're a desert! and we're throwing
water into the air!" -quote, the guy who looks like the singer in Iron & Wine...which is why I want to be his best friend. That and
because his beard and hair are exactly the same shape and consistency. It's like he had an extra beard, and stored it on his head for
safe keeping.
II. Family Time
A. Met with my attorneys to discuss $$$ (car accident settlement from for-ev-er ago)
1. My attorney speaks with an accent.
2. He is not foreign.
3. I think he just likes sounding like a businessman. Or Captain Hook. "Miiiish-turrr Schmeeeeeeee"
B. Watched a wet dog tunnel through my bed at my house
1. My room smells like wet dog after bath
a. probably because it had a wet dog in it. after a bath.
2. Pretty sure I need, uh, all new sheets
C. Helped fix my family's cable
1. ...even though the cable at my DORM is still BROKEN.
2. Parental controlled away all the fancy porn and programs with a creative sexual storyline (things like Moon Porn: Arma-get-it-on)
III. House-Hunting turns into meeting a crazy OCD Recluse who owns a parrot and lives in a house shrouded in trees AND mystery.
A. We passed the house 3 times because it is COMPLETELY concealed by trees that look like they haven't been trimmed in 50 years.
1. It is so ridiculous, that a landscaper literally drove by, turned around, got out of his car, laughed hysterically, and drove off.
a. TRUE STORY. I witnessed this.
2. It literally looks like there is no house there, as if the city planner decided... okay nice suburban house, patch of national forrest,
another suburban house.
3. We finally maneuver our way through the various dead trees, monstrous trees, and out of control shrubbery into the house.
B. I'm pretty sure this house was built on top of a tear in the fabric of the universe, or on a smaller scale of the Bermuda Triangle.
1. The interior looks as though the 70's threw up all over it...and then peed on it to claim its territory.
2. I'm pretty sure items enter this house and never leave: this man brings things in, and removes nothing.
3. Everything was dim, as if his house is permanently set to murderous mood lighting.
4. Everything was pea green, dead plants hung from the ceiling like lynched corpses, and there was no functional place to bathe.
5. The foundation of the house is cracking, as if the earth is threatening to swallow it up any minute.
C. This man has a serious case of OCD.
1. No wife, no kids, just Mr. McCrazy and his Parrot. His parrot refuses to talk to him, even.
2. He had a huge pile of kleenex boxes piled to the ceiling and organized by color and floral pattern.
a. It looked as though the Kleenex factory went out of business and he picked up the excess in bulk.
b. Or...perhaps his Y2K backup plan was Kleenex hoarding.
3. He arranged his tee shirts by color, and I think the only pair of (tattered) pants he owned were on his legs.
4. He walks around with a tape cassett player in his breast pocket and earphones around his neck.
5. When we tried to look at the master bedroom, he FLIPPED out, jumped ahead of us, closed the door, and said... "I prefer you not view
this room, I can show you a similar room if you follow me this way..."
D. The Current Owner of Your Possible Future Living Situation Might Be A Psychotic Killer When...
1. When considering the price of the house, you wonder about the cost of excavating for dead bodies.
2. He wouldn't have to leave the comfort of his own home to kill you in the woods, because the woods are conveniently planted around
the house's perimeter...in the middle of suburbia.
3. He's the only one living (or left) in the four bedroom house.
4. You can't look 2 feet in any direction without seeing something dead that used to be alive.
IV. For dinner, I ate a burrito the sice of an ethiopian baby at Taco del Mar. And chips with nacho cheese. And cold stone ice cream.
A. I'm sure you all love the change of pace from me witnessing a Murder Mystery Movie moment to...what I had for dinner.
B. Just pretend like you're happy about reading of food right after I spent forever and a day describing a real life horror film scenario.
V. I Creepily saw into another room's window with Amy while watching The Office.
A. They were playing football.
B. Don't worry, we know them. It's not as sketch-tastic as it sounds.
In Conclusion, my rating for today's events is: AVERAGE.
wow, just kidding, it was actually completely twilight zone worthy.
Back to the subject at hand...
On a scale of 1-10, today was: Ridiculous.
I'm going to try to give my life to you today in OUTLINE FORM! Aaaandheeeerewego.
26 January 2005, Otherwise known as--Wtfuck?
I. Visual Communications
A. When the new stadium for the Cardinals is finished, it will have a rotating field and...?
1. answer: a losing football team.
B. What is the function of fountains?
1. There is no function...Fountains are like jewelry, like wearing diamonds. We're basically saying "look! we're a desert! and we're throwing
water into the air!" -quote, the guy who looks like the singer in Iron & Wine...which is why I want to be his best friend. That and
because his beard and hair are exactly the same shape and consistency. It's like he had an extra beard, and stored it on his head for
safe keeping.
II. Family Time
A. Met with my attorneys to discuss $$$ (car accident settlement from for-ev-er ago)
1. My attorney speaks with an accent.
2. He is not foreign.
3. I think he just likes sounding like a businessman. Or Captain Hook. "Miiiish-turrr Schmeeeeeeee"
B. Watched a wet dog tunnel through my bed at my house
1. My room smells like wet dog after bath
a. probably because it had a wet dog in it. after a bath.
2. Pretty sure I need, uh, all new sheets
C. Helped fix my family's cable
1. ...even though the cable at my DORM is still BROKEN.
2. Parental controlled away all the fancy porn and programs with a creative sexual storyline (things like Moon Porn: Arma-get-it-on)
III. House-Hunting turns into meeting a crazy OCD Recluse who owns a parrot and lives in a house shrouded in trees AND mystery.
A. We passed the house 3 times because it is COMPLETELY concealed by trees that look like they haven't been trimmed in 50 years.
1. It is so ridiculous, that a landscaper literally drove by, turned around, got out of his car, laughed hysterically, and drove off.
a. TRUE STORY. I witnessed this.
2. It literally looks like there is no house there, as if the city planner decided... okay nice suburban house, patch of national forrest,
another suburban house.
3. We finally maneuver our way through the various dead trees, monstrous trees, and out of control shrubbery into the house.
B. I'm pretty sure this house was built on top of a tear in the fabric of the universe, or on a smaller scale of the Bermuda Triangle.
1. The interior looks as though the 70's threw up all over it...and then peed on it to claim its territory.
2. I'm pretty sure items enter this house and never leave: this man brings things in, and removes nothing.
3. Everything was dim, as if his house is permanently set to murderous mood lighting.
4. Everything was pea green, dead plants hung from the ceiling like lynched corpses, and there was no functional place to bathe.
5. The foundation of the house is cracking, as if the earth is threatening to swallow it up any minute.
C. This man has a serious case of OCD.
1. No wife, no kids, just Mr. McCrazy and his Parrot. His parrot refuses to talk to him, even.
2. He had a huge pile of kleenex boxes piled to the ceiling and organized by color and floral pattern.
a. It looked as though the Kleenex factory went out of business and he picked up the excess in bulk.
b. Or...perhaps his Y2K backup plan was Kleenex hoarding.
3. He arranged his tee shirts by color, and I think the only pair of (tattered) pants he owned were on his legs.
4. He walks around with a tape cassett player in his breast pocket and earphones around his neck.
5. When we tried to look at the master bedroom, he FLIPPED out, jumped ahead of us, closed the door, and said... "I prefer you not view
this room, I can show you a similar room if you follow me this way..."
D. The Current Owner of Your Possible Future Living Situation Might Be A Psychotic Killer When...
1. When considering the price of the house, you wonder about the cost of excavating for dead bodies.
2. He wouldn't have to leave the comfort of his own home to kill you in the woods, because the woods are conveniently planted around
the house's perimeter...in the middle of suburbia.
3. He's the only one living (or left) in the four bedroom house.
4. You can't look 2 feet in any direction without seeing something dead that used to be alive.
IV. For dinner, I ate a burrito the sice of an ethiopian baby at Taco del Mar. And chips with nacho cheese. And cold stone ice cream.
A. I'm sure you all love the change of pace from me witnessing a Murder Mystery Movie moment to...what I had for dinner.
B. Just pretend like you're happy about reading of food right after I spent forever and a day describing a real life horror film scenario.
V. I Creepily saw into another room's window with Amy while watching The Office.
A. They were playing football.
B. Don't worry, we know them. It's not as sketch-tastic as it sounds.
In Conclusion, my rating for today's events is: AVERAGE.
wow, just kidding, it was actually completely twilight zone worthy.