...
i give up.
I've tried so hard to change who I am. to be a better more mature more responsible adult.
every time I make a little progress life just heaps more bullshit on my plate.
I started saving up money to move out to charlotte, and I get a DUI..
I finally quit smoking weed, and my girlfriend leaves me.
No matter what I do, no matter what advancements in life I make, it's like theres this shadow hanging over my head.
I had a plan, I want to get ym car back in jne, move to charlotte in july, meet new friends and maybe a girl.
The past few weeks or months have been a living hell, I wake up, go to work, come home go to bed and do it again the next day, occasionally my ONE friend ryan and I go do something, he's really trying to help, he tries to get me to go out to bars and parties with him, but onthe slim occasions where I do actually go out, I just wind up sitting in a corner drinking my beer or whatever and watching all the cute happy couples, and I sit there and stew, it is fucking sickening to watch two people be in love, when you know that you will never experiance what those two are shareing. I have forgiven myself for the things i've done, and I finally like the direction that my life is moving in but theres something missing, there always has been and there always will be.
the more i think about it, the more i try to figure out what's missing i keep coming back to the same thing, I want to feel loved like I did when we were together. that was the one time in my life where I said the words and not only ment them, but I couldn't imagine it ever ending, I had dreams about marrying you, raising a family and all that stuff, normally that would scare the fucking hell out of me, but with you, I loved it, I would wake up crying because I didn't think you would ever want to be with me like that, and I guess i created a self fuffilling prophecy because slowly but surely I sabatoged our relationship. mainly just by refusing to quit smoking weed at the time. and it KILLS me, like it honestly makes me physically sick to my stomache to think about that, I go through phases where I can't eat for days, I've done things i never thought i'd do, I cut myself I reread our messages every night and cried myself to sleep, only to dream of you and wake up crying again.
there are no two ways about it, You were it. you were the one, my one and only, and i guess in a wierd way, I'm happy about that, I'd rather have had the chance to love you and ruined it and die alone, then to have never met you and be with anyone else for the rest of my life.
i mean even to this day sooooo many things remind me of you, too many to even begin to list, I remember so many little things from us, the little jokes, the dates we used to go on, working @ the movies, prom, your birthday and so much more, no ammount of drugs of booze on the planet could dull those memories.
I really don't know why I'm even writing this, I guess it just helps to get it out, to putit on paper (text?) I check this a bajillion times a day praying that you'll say something like " yes greg I feel the same way, lets get coffee and talk about things, or something you know?
I know that that's never going to happen, but I still hope every time to see something like that.
I've never stopped loving you.
i realized this when i got in my relationship with danielle, and the way she treated me, i looked back and remembered how you treated me, and the difference was day and night. even with stephaine, and every girl i've even flirted/"talked" to or whatever, i'm just like, is this the kind of girl that will treat me like shannon did? and the answer always comes back No she's not that kind of girl, and so I stop talking to them, with danielle I made an exception because I believed the things she said to me (idiot move) I trusted her, I trusted that she really ment the things she said to me, which in the end proved to be one of the biggest mistakes i've made recently. and after she cheated and left and burned my shit and threw out the things i valued most. I could have said well fuck it, and started smoking and drinking everyday again, but i didn't. I mean no doubt I wanted to, and after the breakup life was hell, and it still is, especially on days like today. I mean i don't drive, and I live alone, and none of the poeple around me are worth a fuck, all smoke weed, and most drink non stop. that's not who I am, those are not the people I want to associate with.
so I impose exile on myself, refusing to answer their phone calls, refusing to answer the knocks on the door.
but i'm fairly sure I'm the only one who even looks at this anymore,
you have been the standard that I've compared every relationship I've had, even the ones before I met you. and when i put you next to them, you ALWAYS shine brighter.
I mean you were FUCKING perfect, you loved me you cared about me. in the truly honest sense. not the bullshit lies that girls just love to feed guys. what we had was real, it was powerful.
and a pretty big part of me believes that I'll never have that with anyone else.
and ueah I know i was a generally horrible person to you. I've changed. The person I am today is so completly different then who I was a year, hell then who i was 6 monthes ago. having your world coming crashing down around your ears will have that effect. for the first time, something bad happened, and I didn't immediatly turn to drugs. it felt good finally having the will power to say Greg you fucked up, you let her too close to fast and she used you, but that does not mean that you're any less valuable as a person, every one gets used, this is not a reason to give up all the hard work and time and effort you put into getting cleaned up and getting out of the blackhole of drug abuse.
But the thing that makes me think the most, is the dreams, Ever since i saw your mom a few weeks ago, I've been having extreamly intense dreams, and you are in every one.
I honestly believe that dreams have meanings and messages that tell us what we need to know in life..
and before this i rarely remembered my dreams, hardly ever, but now, every night I dream of you, it's not always the same like the reoccuring dream (which i still have failry often) but the similarities from dream to dream are pretty interesting.
my favorite one
the night i went to your moms house and left and i was crying so badly, and i came back and we talked and fooled around. In reality I went home after this and that was the last time that we really saw eachother as a couple or whatever we were at that point. but in the dream i satyed the night with you, and woke up the next morning with you, and we made omletts just like we did at my hose with steve that one time, and then i wake up, and it's the most bitter sweet feeling in the world, it's like I love getting to experiance that in ym dreams, but I want it to be a reality, I want to be that guy for you, more then anything in this planet i would give up everything i owned, every memory i've experianced, I honestly would do ANYTHING for you, I've loved you unconditionally for over 4 years now. and nothing has diminished that feeling i have for you.
I know it's been a different story with you. especially because of the way i treated you towards the end, and after our relationship. it still kills me. and i guess i just wish i could have that proverbial "last chance" to show you who I really am, and who I am boing to be, and show you that my life is not about the same things it once was.
Yopu are absolute perfection to me in every single way. and I have no better way of communicating this to you then on live journal.. what would you do if i called you and told you all this? hang up on me? block my number? or say, Wow I feel the same way, les see what happens?
there's no way to know untill i call you and tell you, but I can't bring myself to do it, I've tried so many times thes lasat week or two, and as soon as i press the send button, i feel like a deer in the headlights and i hang up before it can ring. i don't knwo what dto do... I know what I want to do, but I'm afraid that you'll reject me. and honestly I've been rejected so many times, I just don't think I could deal with any more...
Maybe one day soon i'll cut the bullshit and call you and tell you how I feel, and maybe god likes me enough that you'll feel the same way.
I've tried so hard to change who I am. to be a better more mature more responsible adult.
every time I make a little progress life just heaps more bullshit on my plate.
I started saving up money to move out to charlotte, and I get a DUI..
I finally quit smoking weed, and my girlfriend leaves me.
No matter what I do, no matter what advancements in life I make, it's like theres this shadow hanging over my head.
I had a plan, I want to get ym car back in jne, move to charlotte in july, meet new friends and maybe a girl.
The past few weeks or months have been a living hell, I wake up, go to work, come home go to bed and do it again the next day, occasionally my ONE friend ryan and I go do something, he's really trying to help, he tries to get me to go out to bars and parties with him, but onthe slim occasions where I do actually go out, I just wind up sitting in a corner drinking my beer or whatever and watching all the cute happy couples, and I sit there and stew, it is fucking sickening to watch two people be in love, when you know that you will never experiance what those two are shareing. I have forgiven myself for the things i've done, and I finally like the direction that my life is moving in but theres something missing, there always has been and there always will be.
the more i think about it, the more i try to figure out what's missing i keep coming back to the same thing, I want to feel loved like I did when we were together. that was the one time in my life where I said the words and not only ment them, but I couldn't imagine it ever ending, I had dreams about marrying you, raising a family and all that stuff, normally that would scare the fucking hell out of me, but with you, I loved it, I would wake up crying because I didn't think you would ever want to be with me like that, and I guess i created a self fuffilling prophecy because slowly but surely I sabatoged our relationship. mainly just by refusing to quit smoking weed at the time. and it KILLS me, like it honestly makes me physically sick to my stomache to think about that, I go through phases where I can't eat for days, I've done things i never thought i'd do, I cut myself I reread our messages every night and cried myself to sleep, only to dream of you and wake up crying again.
there are no two ways about it, You were it. you were the one, my one and only, and i guess in a wierd way, I'm happy about that, I'd rather have had the chance to love you and ruined it and die alone, then to have never met you and be with anyone else for the rest of my life.
i mean even to this day sooooo many things remind me of you, too many to even begin to list, I remember so many little things from us, the little jokes, the dates we used to go on, working @ the movies, prom, your birthday and so much more, no ammount of drugs of booze on the planet could dull those memories.
I really don't know why I'm even writing this, I guess it just helps to get it out, to putit on paper (text?) I check this a bajillion times a day praying that you'll say something like " yes greg I feel the same way, lets get coffee and talk about things, or something you know?
I know that that's never going to happen, but I still hope every time to see something like that.
I've never stopped loving you.
i realized this when i got in my relationship with danielle, and the way she treated me, i looked back and remembered how you treated me, and the difference was day and night. even with stephaine, and every girl i've even flirted/"talked" to or whatever, i'm just like, is this the kind of girl that will treat me like shannon did? and the answer always comes back No she's not that kind of girl, and so I stop talking to them, with danielle I made an exception because I believed the things she said to me (idiot move) I trusted her, I trusted that she really ment the things she said to me, which in the end proved to be one of the biggest mistakes i've made recently. and after she cheated and left and burned my shit and threw out the things i valued most. I could have said well fuck it, and started smoking and drinking everyday again, but i didn't. I mean no doubt I wanted to, and after the breakup life was hell, and it still is, especially on days like today. I mean i don't drive, and I live alone, and none of the poeple around me are worth a fuck, all smoke weed, and most drink non stop. that's not who I am, those are not the people I want to associate with.
so I impose exile on myself, refusing to answer their phone calls, refusing to answer the knocks on the door.
but i'm fairly sure I'm the only one who even looks at this anymore,
you have been the standard that I've compared every relationship I've had, even the ones before I met you. and when i put you next to them, you ALWAYS shine brighter.
I mean you were FUCKING perfect, you loved me you cared about me. in the truly honest sense. not the bullshit lies that girls just love to feed guys. what we had was real, it was powerful.
and a pretty big part of me believes that I'll never have that with anyone else.
and ueah I know i was a generally horrible person to you. I've changed. The person I am today is so completly different then who I was a year, hell then who i was 6 monthes ago. having your world coming crashing down around your ears will have that effect. for the first time, something bad happened, and I didn't immediatly turn to drugs. it felt good finally having the will power to say Greg you fucked up, you let her too close to fast and she used you, but that does not mean that you're any less valuable as a person, every one gets used, this is not a reason to give up all the hard work and time and effort you put into getting cleaned up and getting out of the blackhole of drug abuse.
But the thing that makes me think the most, is the dreams, Ever since i saw your mom a few weeks ago, I've been having extreamly intense dreams, and you are in every one.
I honestly believe that dreams have meanings and messages that tell us what we need to know in life..
and before this i rarely remembered my dreams, hardly ever, but now, every night I dream of you, it's not always the same like the reoccuring dream (which i still have failry often) but the similarities from dream to dream are pretty interesting.
my favorite one
the night i went to your moms house and left and i was crying so badly, and i came back and we talked and fooled around. In reality I went home after this and that was the last time that we really saw eachother as a couple or whatever we were at that point. but in the dream i satyed the night with you, and woke up the next morning with you, and we made omletts just like we did at my hose with steve that one time, and then i wake up, and it's the most bitter sweet feeling in the world, it's like I love getting to experiance that in ym dreams, but I want it to be a reality, I want to be that guy for you, more then anything in this planet i would give up everything i owned, every memory i've experianced, I honestly would do ANYTHING for you, I've loved you unconditionally for over 4 years now. and nothing has diminished that feeling i have for you.
I know it's been a different story with you. especially because of the way i treated you towards the end, and after our relationship. it still kills me. and i guess i just wish i could have that proverbial "last chance" to show you who I really am, and who I am boing to be, and show you that my life is not about the same things it once was.
Yopu are absolute perfection to me in every single way. and I have no better way of communicating this to you then on live journal.. what would you do if i called you and told you all this? hang up on me? block my number? or say, Wow I feel the same way, les see what happens?
there's no way to know untill i call you and tell you, but I can't bring myself to do it, I've tried so many times thes lasat week or two, and as soon as i press the send button, i feel like a deer in the headlights and i hang up before it can ring. i don't knwo what dto do... I know what I want to do, but I'm afraid that you'll reject me. and honestly I've been rejected so many times, I just don't think I could deal with any more...
Maybe one day soon i'll cut the bullshit and call you and tell you how I feel, and maybe god likes me enough that you'll feel the same way.