questions`
Questions can be frightening.
When you ask a question, do you have an idea of what answer you're expecting, what if it's completely different?
I find myself feeling . . . And that's just it.. It's like my heart and my mind are at odds, not only with eachother but with themselves as well.
Right now, My heart hurts with a pain that I swore I would never allow ANYONE to inflict on me again because danielle pretty much used me for a free place to crash for a few months and then, THE DAY her ex get's his new house finished, she leaves me for him why I asked Because she thinks that he is going in a better direction, she said this with a straight face, with no sign that she even knew that it was one of the single most painful things anyone has ever said to me.
Right now my heart leaps with the sort of timid dare to hope grace od a firstborn doe's beginning steps, because for all the bullshit, even if the past 9 or 10 monthes have SUCKKKKKKed, it's been the biggest learning experiance in my life getting dumped and getting a dui will force you to reconsider things that you have just assumed were facts.
Right now my head is tell ing me that I should call danielle and tell her that I'm going to work more and get a real house so that we can go live in it. And this is stupid. my logic tells me this, She wouldn't come even if i did have a house. logic also tells me, If she did come, WHAT would be different?
I've felt pretty shitty about the whole situation, it's not easy realizing that my friends and family have knows that I was being had. but they couldn't say anything, I was blinded. I was stupid, and i didn' think about what the RIGHT thing to do for MY life was.
But a good friend asked me one day.. when i was mopeing about how awful life is after getting dumped (sarcasm lol) he asked me. "Man, what kind of mother would she have been?"
I just kind of looked at him
and he asked again, he said
"Man would you want her to be the mother of your children, would you want her to be the one to raise and teach your children while you're at work?
And the obvious sexism aside-- that was what did it
I realized that no, I wouldn't want to marry her, or have a family with her. and that made me question why I even let her talk her way in to my life in the first place.
Awkward,
Talking with you earlier today was insane, when i saw your name at the top of the chat box my heart skipped a beat, fuck that I had a mild heart attack, my mouth got dry, my whole body tingeled for a second, it was like one of those movie moments, I swear to god journey Don't stop believing was playing in my head HaHa.
but that happy almost giddy feeling was quickly replaced with this huge well of guilt, guilt for ruining the relationship, guilt for being horrible afterwards, guilt for not being happy for you with jonathon, guilty for not being there, and even kicking you while you were down about austin. and this guilt makes me wonder how you can just talk to me like you did today, like we were old friends or something. and of course then i start thinking, oh jesus, now you want to be with her again. and yes, I do. That's how I feel, I feel like I want to be with you.
but my head is just like, list all the reasons why it can't happen
its been too long
I was an asshole
you're a pretty amazing woman and I'm sure there are guys lining up for a chance to take you out.
you're moved on
We've grown into separate lives
I don't drive
We live far apart
do you even think of me that way
even if you did, and we met, and hung out and things were good and we spent time together and we both wanted to try to start a relationship, what would make this work? would it just have been too long,
And it's at that point i realize that my brain is a 69 corvette that's redlining the RPM's but not moving ANYWHERE.
yeah i think about all those questions, every day, but I've thought of them every day, for a while now. and i guess a part of me wants to say Go for it. Take a cab to her hospital get some flowers and shower her what she's been missing.
then the other part of me is nothing but doubts and unsure feelings and basically like.. that part of me dosen't want to even think of even being with you again because the idea of that becoming a possibility again, and then being taken away. is abhorrent.
I know this is all random as hell, and pretty much out of left field. and so I have spilled my guts forth to the internetz. as i sit here now, spell checking my entry ( i don't knwo why because there's still going to be MAD typo's) I can't but help think that maybe i should make this entry private, but of course as the author just wrote that, of course it won't be. but I feel like maybe it's wrong of me to post this entry on here. knowing full well there's really only one person who reads this. so act as i might that this isn't to you, it is. but i don't know, would knowing this hurt you? make you uncomfortable? freak you out? I dunno.. but I guess I've decided to at least take this teeny tiny chance and see what happens.
I guess it's just easier to post all this here and hope that you write a post back about how awesome i am and how much you need my chiseled body and what not, then it would be to call you and actually try to talk to you.
Ughhh I'm such a coward.
When you ask a question, do you have an idea of what answer you're expecting, what if it's completely different?
I find myself feeling . . . And that's just it.. It's like my heart and my mind are at odds, not only with eachother but with themselves as well.
Right now, My heart hurts with a pain that I swore I would never allow ANYONE to inflict on me again because danielle pretty much used me for a free place to crash for a few months and then, THE DAY her ex get's his new house finished, she leaves me for him why I asked Because she thinks that he is going in a better direction, she said this with a straight face, with no sign that she even knew that it was one of the single most painful things anyone has ever said to me.
Right now my heart leaps with the sort of timid dare to hope grace od a firstborn doe's beginning steps, because for all the bullshit, even if the past 9 or 10 monthes have SUCKKKKKKed, it's been the biggest learning experiance in my life getting dumped and getting a dui will force you to reconsider things that you have just assumed were facts.
Right now my head is tell ing me that I should call danielle and tell her that I'm going to work more and get a real house so that we can go live in it. And this is stupid. my logic tells me this, She wouldn't come even if i did have a house. logic also tells me, If she did come, WHAT would be different?
I've felt pretty shitty about the whole situation, it's not easy realizing that my friends and family have knows that I was being had. but they couldn't say anything, I was blinded. I was stupid, and i didn' think about what the RIGHT thing to do for MY life was.
But a good friend asked me one day.. when i was mopeing about how awful life is after getting dumped (sarcasm lol) he asked me. "Man, what kind of mother would she have been?"
I just kind of looked at him
and he asked again, he said
"Man would you want her to be the mother of your children, would you want her to be the one to raise and teach your children while you're at work?
And the obvious sexism aside-- that was what did it
I realized that no, I wouldn't want to marry her, or have a family with her. and that made me question why I even let her talk her way in to my life in the first place.
Awkward,
Talking with you earlier today was insane, when i saw your name at the top of the chat box my heart skipped a beat, fuck that I had a mild heart attack, my mouth got dry, my whole body tingeled for a second, it was like one of those movie moments, I swear to god journey Don't stop believing was playing in my head HaHa.
but that happy almost giddy feeling was quickly replaced with this huge well of guilt, guilt for ruining the relationship, guilt for being horrible afterwards, guilt for not being happy for you with jonathon, guilty for not being there, and even kicking you while you were down about austin. and this guilt makes me wonder how you can just talk to me like you did today, like we were old friends or something. and of course then i start thinking, oh jesus, now you want to be with her again. and yes, I do. That's how I feel, I feel like I want to be with you.
but my head is just like, list all the reasons why it can't happen
its been too long
I was an asshole
you're a pretty amazing woman and I'm sure there are guys lining up for a chance to take you out.
you're moved on
We've grown into separate lives
I don't drive
We live far apart
do you even think of me that way
even if you did, and we met, and hung out and things were good and we spent time together and we both wanted to try to start a relationship, what would make this work? would it just have been too long,
And it's at that point i realize that my brain is a 69 corvette that's redlining the RPM's but not moving ANYWHERE.
yeah i think about all those questions, every day, but I've thought of them every day, for a while now. and i guess a part of me wants to say Go for it. Take a cab to her hospital get some flowers and shower her what she's been missing.
then the other part of me is nothing but doubts and unsure feelings and basically like.. that part of me dosen't want to even think of even being with you again because the idea of that becoming a possibility again, and then being taken away. is abhorrent.
I know this is all random as hell, and pretty much out of left field. and so I have spilled my guts forth to the internetz. as i sit here now, spell checking my entry ( i don't knwo why because there's still going to be MAD typo's) I can't but help think that maybe i should make this entry private, but of course as the author just wrote that, of course it won't be. but I feel like maybe it's wrong of me to post this entry on here. knowing full well there's really only one person who reads this. so act as i might that this isn't to you, it is. but i don't know, would knowing this hurt you? make you uncomfortable? freak you out? I dunno.. but I guess I've decided to at least take this teeny tiny chance and see what happens.
I guess it's just easier to post all this here and hope that you write a post back about how awesome i am and how much you need my chiseled body and what not, then it would be to call you and actually try to talk to you.
Ughhh I'm such a coward.