(no subject)
To kill time my dad and I went driving in the hills outside of Poccy this afternoon. It was beautiful and, I don't even know how to explain it, except that I was deeply moved. My feelings inspired the following poem. Please critique.
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MOTHER
I wander your barren unpopulated hills
And know I am home
I want to sink my fingers into your black earth
To feel your soul run through them
I want to breathe in your sweet wind
I want to sleep on your fields, under your watchful gaze
Your dewey grass my mattress, your twinkling lights my blanket
And I must leave
I am broken, tears run down my face
You are not yet gone, and still I ache
Knowing the new and un-natural lie around the bend
Waiting to seize me and smother
This piece of my soul you have woken
Oh, do not forsake me, Mother
Without you I am not whole
You possess the most precious fragment of my heart
And your warmth thaws the bitterness that resides there
You feed my soul
And if I do not return
May you welcome me with open arms when at-last I feed you
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I am having problems with a few of the lines, especially the 1st one (not sure I want to use the word barren). I am also considering trying to make it rhyme. Dunno though.
------------------
MOTHER
I wander your barren unpopulated hills
And know I am home
I want to sink my fingers into your black earth
To feel your soul run through them
I want to breathe in your sweet wind
I want to sleep on your fields, under your watchful gaze
Your dewey grass my mattress, your twinkling lights my blanket
And I must leave
I am broken, tears run down my face
You are not yet gone, and still I ache
Knowing the new and un-natural lie around the bend
Waiting to seize me and smother
This piece of my soul you have woken
Oh, do not forsake me, Mother
Without you I am not whole
You possess the most precious fragment of my heart
And your warmth thaws the bitterness that resides there
You feed my soul
And if I do not return
May you welcome me with open arms when at-last I feed you
------------------------
I am having problems with a few of the lines, especially the 1st one (not sure I want to use the word barren). I am also considering trying to make it rhyme. Dunno though.