what's done is done, let it go.

[aprilxduhh]

When I was 14 years old, I fell head over heels for this 13 year old guy. It never made any sense. I was a freshman and he was a seventh grader. That must sound weird, but we were only nine months apart and he had failed a grade. Anyway, I was completely infatuated with the kid. He was the sweetest guy I had ever met and I trusted him more than he'll ever know. Lots of people called me stupid for liking him and my brother was a little pissed. Then, it became accepted I guess. My brother told me that this guy cared about me a lot and never wanted to see me hurt. This guy would never ask me out though and we simply had this ongoing, never ending cycle that lasted for four years. We did the "I love you" thing. We talked about our future. We talked about a lot of things. He meant a lot to me. But he could never commit to me and in the end, he completely broke my heart. He doesn't know that though. That's the one thing I could never tell him. I saw him this winter break for the first time since May. I saw him in the afternoon with my roommate and it was so surreal but almost like nothing had changed. I saw him later that night and while another friend was getting his care, me and this guy acted like we were characters in some romantic movie. He was supposed to be my first kiss of the new year. That didn't happen. He called and texted. I did the same. But again, like every time before, he proved to be unreliable. I didn't even see him. At the beginning of the night, he treated me strange too. Later on, he pulled the "baby" stunts and whatnot. But I think I had an epiphany. And finally, finally, finally... I had what I had been looking for. I had closure. I have closure. I know that I will never be what he wants. I know he will never be exactly what I want. I don't think he even knows what he wants. One friend said that this guy needs about five more years to find himself and then maybe get with me or someone else but one thing is for sure... I'm not waiting around anymore.

I love this guy very much and he will always hold an extremely special place in my heart. He really was the first guy I ever loved. I will always care about him and hope for the best. I'm just finally at peace in my heart knowing that I'm no longer 'pining' for him. I still believe we're perfect for each other, but we're two different people heading in two very different directions and that's okay but it does mean, we're not meant for each other. That's fine with me and I'll always be happy for him.

The butterflies are finally going away.

Look what you missed, living like this... nobody wins.