To just be
This is not a post or ranting or raving about how crappy my life is for once. It is one of specalation. I have realized that in my desire to find that special someone that is for me, or at least that I hope is for me, I have lost that aspect that defines who I am. Me. It has been a crappy five to six years, and to be honest I am ready for it to end. I have broken up with John, which was a god send, and some happiness has come back into my life. I feel relief in not having to pretend that all is right in my world. I do find some comfort in going to work, only to see my friends there. They make it tolerable, and I do have fun when they are around. There are some that are on vacation right now, and I miss them. It is strange to say that for me, but I do miss the sarcasim that comes from some of them. It is the best part of the day when I can hear something funny come out of them.
I had met someone online, and other than the day after Christmas, have not heard from them since. There grandmother had a stroke, and I do understand that they can not be at my beckon call, but it would be nice to know if they are alright and if the inevitable has happened. I do not begrudge anyone their time for mourning, but I wonder how they are doing if something has happened. I have put to much emphasis on this relationship, because I believe that we fit so well together. I do believe it is because I am so lonely within my heart, that I long for something to fill it. As Charrie says, I have the dogs, but even they can fill it with so much. I just miss feeling important to someone, and needed. I know you can be lonely within a relationship, and I have been there, but there is just something about having friends and loved ones near that makes life oh so much easier. I just have to remember that he is a friend and nothing more. I can not expect anything more than that, and I shouldn't. I can not expect to find happiness with someone that may or may not hold my same ideals or hopes. I am just lonely to my very being, and I want someone to fil it. Someone very special for me.
I will say that when I went back to see the family for Christmas, for once it was nice. Even though mom started on her rant of how crappy we are as kids, and how we never do anything for her it was still nice. Now, dont get me wrong. Mom has done a lot for all of us, but I have done what I can for her when I can. I can't say that I have always been the best of any daughter, but I have tried. Like mom, I have depression, and trying to keep myself from falling into a black hole along with her is too much. I also have my own life to live, and I am sorry if I can't be there for her and everyone all the time. I was telling Ambers sister that when her mother lashes out, like my own, they are trying to make themselves feel better. It is a way of regaining a power that they have lost. It makes them feel better to feel that they have been victiorious in battle with someone that they feel they can defeat. I just give up with mom, because it is easier to let her have her rant than to fight it.
On another note. Apparently the little darlings called my dogs have tinkled on the dog food bag. When I went to move it, the bottom fell out and I had to go out and get a trashcan to put the dogfood in. To say that I was not amused would be an accurate assumption. I was pissed, and I found yet another darling litle mouse. I swear they are going down. The sticky traps seem to have worked well, so I will get more of those.
I will try and write more later of my adventures in the land of nothinigness. Gods, I need a life. LOL
I had met someone online, and other than the day after Christmas, have not heard from them since. There grandmother had a stroke, and I do understand that they can not be at my beckon call, but it would be nice to know if they are alright and if the inevitable has happened. I do not begrudge anyone their time for mourning, but I wonder how they are doing if something has happened. I have put to much emphasis on this relationship, because I believe that we fit so well together. I do believe it is because I am so lonely within my heart, that I long for something to fill it. As Charrie says, I have the dogs, but even they can fill it with so much. I just miss feeling important to someone, and needed. I know you can be lonely within a relationship, and I have been there, but there is just something about having friends and loved ones near that makes life oh so much easier. I just have to remember that he is a friend and nothing more. I can not expect anything more than that, and I shouldn't. I can not expect to find happiness with someone that may or may not hold my same ideals or hopes. I am just lonely to my very being, and I want someone to fil it. Someone very special for me.
I will say that when I went back to see the family for Christmas, for once it was nice. Even though mom started on her rant of how crappy we are as kids, and how we never do anything for her it was still nice. Now, dont get me wrong. Mom has done a lot for all of us, but I have done what I can for her when I can. I can't say that I have always been the best of any daughter, but I have tried. Like mom, I have depression, and trying to keep myself from falling into a black hole along with her is too much. I also have my own life to live, and I am sorry if I can't be there for her and everyone all the time. I was telling Ambers sister that when her mother lashes out, like my own, they are trying to make themselves feel better. It is a way of regaining a power that they have lost. It makes them feel better to feel that they have been victiorious in battle with someone that they feel they can defeat. I just give up with mom, because it is easier to let her have her rant than to fight it.
On another note. Apparently the little darlings called my dogs have tinkled on the dog food bag. When I went to move it, the bottom fell out and I had to go out and get a trashcan to put the dogfood in. To say that I was not amused would be an accurate assumption. I was pissed, and I found yet another darling litle mouse. I swear they are going down. The sticky traps seem to have worked well, so I will get more of those.
I will try and write more later of my adventures in the land of nothinigness. Gods, I need a life. LOL