(no subject)
So I'm up late again. And confused. And sad even though an hour ago I was the independent version of myself. Things have been really hard lately on the inside. I've been trying to do everything I can to get my mind off of it. I know I only write in here now when I'm really depressed or something stupid has happened that I end up blowing out of proportion or overanalyzing. I guess after I write here I make my inner turmoil known to the people who really know my deepest thoughts and then I feel better. Does that make sense or sound totally lame? Anyhow. I realized one thing. I love my major. I know its what I want to do. But other than that I'm like that John Mayer song. Something's missing. And I don't know what it is. I've been adding bits and pieces to my story/wannabe novel and watching Garden State plenty of times hoping to get myself out of the funk. Hoping that someday I'll meet a guy like Zach Braff/Andrew Largeman and he'll think I'm wonderful.
One thing did come to mind today when I was walking back from the library after reading Their Eyes Were Watching God. I realized how much I dislike Brooks and didn't know it. He's everything I hate in guys: emotionally detatched, sexist, republican, and judgemental. The kid has so many issues that he needs to work out but he deflects them onto other people. He made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Because I was experimenting and trying new things that made me weird. And for that, like Paul McCartney said, makes him weird. As we were driving this weekend on the way to a party and I was playing the Garden State soundtrack he turned to me and said, "I just realized we have absolutely nothing in common. We don't like the same music, movies, or anything." And I nodded. But I'm not sad. I finally know what its like to grow apart from someone. Because when I was with him I was a afraid to grow. But now I can look at it and see that I'm growing and doing things on my terms, not on his. I'm making myself happy, not him. And even though I knew I should do that, I'm finally seeing it clear for the first time. This women in lit class is really helping me see things and weed out the bad guys. Brooks wanted me to be seen and not heard which is exactly what happened to Janie in Their Eyes Were Watching God. I related to that. I just never realized he was doing that to me. And we all know, of all people, I refuse to be ignored.
But if I can make this journal entry about one thing, it is that I'm finally realizing that I'm not waiting to find myself anymore but I'm actually doing it.
One thing did come to mind today when I was walking back from the library after reading Their Eyes Were Watching God. I realized how much I dislike Brooks and didn't know it. He's everything I hate in guys: emotionally detatched, sexist, republican, and judgemental. The kid has so many issues that he needs to work out but he deflects them onto other people. He made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Because I was experimenting and trying new things that made me weird. And for that, like Paul McCartney said, makes him weird. As we were driving this weekend on the way to a party and I was playing the Garden State soundtrack he turned to me and said, "I just realized we have absolutely nothing in common. We don't like the same music, movies, or anything." And I nodded. But I'm not sad. I finally know what its like to grow apart from someone. Because when I was with him I was a afraid to grow. But now I can look at it and see that I'm growing and doing things on my terms, not on his. I'm making myself happy, not him. And even though I knew I should do that, I'm finally seeing it clear for the first time. This women in lit class is really helping me see things and weed out the bad guys. Brooks wanted me to be seen and not heard which is exactly what happened to Janie in Their Eyes Were Watching God. I related to that. I just never realized he was doing that to me. And we all know, of all people, I refuse to be ignored.
But if I can make this journal entry about one thing, it is that I'm finally realizing that I'm not waiting to find myself anymore but I'm actually doing it.