Prepare yourself, its a long one.
Alot of things have been weighing me down inside lately.
Thursday night I went downstairs to hang out with Jason despite his feeble attempts to seduce me. Ok well they weren't feeble, he was very good but I was stronger. Finally he quit trying and we started talking. He talked about this girl back home who he tells all of his problems to. It was like this is the girl he really wanted to be with and he was test driving all the other ones. No, he really said that. My temperature was rising. Then he began to tell me about another girl he made out with who he really wanted to pursue something with but he was crushed to find out she was just the type who likes to have fun. I finally was like, "Then what am I? Some trash you only want to hook up with? I am so sick of this. I'm sick of all the guys I meet who I'd actually like to date only want to fuck." I stormed out.
Left for Rocky Mt. yesterday and spent it with the people I truly care about. I came back today to find a msg. from Jason about how sorry he is, that he doesn't know what's going on, that he has to figure things out, hopes we're still cool, and didn't mean to play "dirty pool" right in front of me (???). I really don't know what to think. I can't help but feel powerful that he's the one who apologized to me but I'm wondering is he only apologizing for putting the moves on me or was he also apologizing for rubbing these girls in my face. It's hard to tell. I'm kind of tired of thinking about it though.
The problem is I don't trust this guy. And despite his attempts to hang out with me I don't think he's very much into me even though he's sending the wrong signals. He bitched about all these girls who broke his heart and I was like, "Look, right in front of you. I'm one of the good ones who does't cheat and doesn't sleep around." It was so frustrating. I mean, who knows. This could be a whole part of his game. The way he gets a skeptical girl like me to fall for him. But then again it could be that he's not into me and is telling me about all these girls in a friendly way. I just don't understand and I really don't want to think about it anymore.
I hope he drunkenly comes by my room tonight and I can just be straight with him. I'll tell him that I don't trust him, I don't know if I can be friends with someone I don't trust, and that he's giving me the wrong signals and I don't appreciate it. Does that sound good? I think it does. It gets my point across without sounding desperate or needy or pathetic. He gets mad at me cause I see right through him but I'm tired of this happening to me and I'm tired of guys doing this to all my friends.
I'm so disappointed in guys to the point where I really don't think I can become attached to someone for a while. I don't trust guys' motives and I don't think that there is a single one out there who just wants to spend time with a girl without having something sexual come out of it right away. It's really sad and I think its society telling guys its ok for you to just screw or hookup or even kiss a girl and not call her, or pretend she doesn't exist or walk away when she tells you she's not looking to have sex.
I've saved my virginity this long because I want to share it with someone I love, I want it to mean something, and I don't want to ever regret it. And apparently there isn't a single decent, interesting, fun guy who's willing to put in the time or effort to date someone seriously. I see it everywhere. With my experiences and in the experiences of my friends.
The thing is, I'm tired of guys to the point where I'm ready to give up. If I didn't like the penis, I would become a lesbian. But then again, I don't like girls either. So I might just become celibate.
Thursday night I went downstairs to hang out with Jason despite his feeble attempts to seduce me. Ok well they weren't feeble, he was very good but I was stronger. Finally he quit trying and we started talking. He talked about this girl back home who he tells all of his problems to. It was like this is the girl he really wanted to be with and he was test driving all the other ones. No, he really said that. My temperature was rising. Then he began to tell me about another girl he made out with who he really wanted to pursue something with but he was crushed to find out she was just the type who likes to have fun. I finally was like, "Then what am I? Some trash you only want to hook up with? I am so sick of this. I'm sick of all the guys I meet who I'd actually like to date only want to fuck." I stormed out.
Left for Rocky Mt. yesterday and spent it with the people I truly care about. I came back today to find a msg. from Jason about how sorry he is, that he doesn't know what's going on, that he has to figure things out, hopes we're still cool, and didn't mean to play "dirty pool" right in front of me (???). I really don't know what to think. I can't help but feel powerful that he's the one who apologized to me but I'm wondering is he only apologizing for putting the moves on me or was he also apologizing for rubbing these girls in my face. It's hard to tell. I'm kind of tired of thinking about it though.
The problem is I don't trust this guy. And despite his attempts to hang out with me I don't think he's very much into me even though he's sending the wrong signals. He bitched about all these girls who broke his heart and I was like, "Look, right in front of you. I'm one of the good ones who does't cheat and doesn't sleep around." It was so frustrating. I mean, who knows. This could be a whole part of his game. The way he gets a skeptical girl like me to fall for him. But then again it could be that he's not into me and is telling me about all these girls in a friendly way. I just don't understand and I really don't want to think about it anymore.
I hope he drunkenly comes by my room tonight and I can just be straight with him. I'll tell him that I don't trust him, I don't know if I can be friends with someone I don't trust, and that he's giving me the wrong signals and I don't appreciate it. Does that sound good? I think it does. It gets my point across without sounding desperate or needy or pathetic. He gets mad at me cause I see right through him but I'm tired of this happening to me and I'm tired of guys doing this to all my friends.
I'm so disappointed in guys to the point where I really don't think I can become attached to someone for a while. I don't trust guys' motives and I don't think that there is a single one out there who just wants to spend time with a girl without having something sexual come out of it right away. It's really sad and I think its society telling guys its ok for you to just screw or hookup or even kiss a girl and not call her, or pretend she doesn't exist or walk away when she tells you she's not looking to have sex.
I've saved my virginity this long because I want to share it with someone I love, I want it to mean something, and I don't want to ever regret it. And apparently there isn't a single decent, interesting, fun guy who's willing to put in the time or effort to date someone seriously. I see it everywhere. With my experiences and in the experiences of my friends.
The thing is, I'm tired of guys to the point where I'm ready to give up. If I didn't like the penis, I would become a lesbian. But then again, I don't like girls either. So I might just become celibate.